
This post ran on September 18, 2017; given the coming winter storm weather, it could happen to all of us.
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The inspiration for this list came from living without the internet and very spotty cell service for the last two weeks. It took me a while to get used to the fact that I could not do what has become everyday activities with my devices.
Top Ten Things Not to Do If Your Internet and Cell Service Are Down
10 If your internet and cell service are down, do not try to send emails. If you do, at best, you’ll never get an answer. At worst, you will convince yourself that you have been cut off from the world and will start filling bottles with notes. (Forget the fact that the most significant body of water near you is the dog dish, Barnaby.)
9 If your internet and cell service are down, do not look for “likes” on that last selfie. If you do, at best, you’ll think no one saw it. At worst, you’ll feel no one actually liked your selfie and could spiral into a black hole of self-doubt. (Your raging FOMO is about to overtake you, huh, Barlow?)
8 If your internet and cell service are down, do not think you can poach off your neighbor. If you do, at best, they will have a secure connection. At worst, your neighbor’s brother-in-law, Tiny, the WWF champ who just returned from survival school, will notice you crouched in the bushes close to the house. (That scream you are hearing was taught to Tiny to throw off the enemy he is about to pounce upon. Guess who, Bartek?)
7 If your internet and cell service are down, do not think you can sneak into a coffee house and use theirs without buying anything. If you do, at best, the manager is sixteen years old and afraid of you. At worst, the manager is a retired Marine who has just been told by a twenty-year-old District Manager that they will be fired if they allow poaching of the WiFi. (Looks like you made it out of there unscathed. Too bad about that flying laptop. The landing was not pretty right, Bastian?)
6 If your internet and cell service are down, do not try to meet your book publication deadline in spite of the difficulties. If you do, at best, you will be forced to set a new deadline. At worst, you will end up bald and with a bad case of PPSD. (That’s Post Publish Stress Disorder Bubba.)
5 If your internet and cell service are down, do not try to stream a movie that you have wanted to watch. If you do, at best, you’ll have to watch an old Harry Potter DVD. At worst, you’ll refuse to believe that the “LOADING” sign is a lie. (So after watching the LOADING sign for two hours, maybe it’s time to call it a night, Bub.)
4 If your internet and cell service are down, do not keep picking up your phone after every little noise. If you do, at best, you’ll be continually reminded that it’s gone. At worst, you might develop a tick requiring long-term therapy. (Try explaining to the doctor that your illness is cell phone related, Berkley.)
3 If your internet and cell service are down, do not put your life on hold until they return. If you do, at best, you’ll miss out on trying new things. At worst, your family will begin to wonder if they need to orchestrate an intervention. (Sitting in a chair all day will not bring the internet and cell service back faster, Bixby.)
2 If your internet and cell service are down, do not lay out sheets in the backyard spelling the words, “Help, I Have No Internet.” If you do, at best, a passing helicopter will drop some supplies in your yard. At worst, the Channel Six news team will hover above you and broadcast a story about the world’s shallowest individual. (You could have guessed the story would go viral, right, Bojan?)
1 If your internet and cell service are down, do not think anyone will miss you on your social media accounts. If you do, at best, your feeling of isolation will drive you to books. At worst, you take to standing at the traffic light with a sign that says, “Will work for Tweets.” (Notice how many drivers look away when you get near, Benny?)













































