This post ran on August 14, 2017. If you are moving, it may make sense. Hopefully, it will give a chuckle.

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The inspiration for this piece was the arrival of a new couch and the accompanying rearranging of furniture. Since moving households is something almost everyone faces, I thought it would be fun to recap some things we should avoid doing should a move be necessary. I hope you enjoy the list.

10 If you are moving, do not attempt it alone. If you do, at best, it may take longer than expected. At worst, you could get caught under that heavy dresser and be missing for weeks. (Gotta hope the new tenants will figure out where those screams are coming from, hey, Buster?)

9 If you are moving, do not forget to tip the movers. If you do, at best, that last carton will stay on the truck. At worst, the big guy named Tiny, the WWF champ, will be asking questions about the quality of service. (You hope he puts you down gently, right, Buford?)

8 If you are moving, do not think the movers will understand your attachment to grandma’s hand-me-down table. If you do, at best, that scratch can be covered up. At worst, you can start your first fire with what is left. (Seems like you should have mentioned how fragile it was, Boswell)

7 If you are moving, do not pack the boxes yourself. If you do, at best, there will be a few items broken. At worst, that tinkling noise when you pick up the box marked “crystal” will not be a welcome sound. (Looks like the savings on the cost of packing has gone into the red, Boris.)

6 If you are moving, do not mark the boxes with your own code. If you do, at best, you’ll remember most of the code. At worst, in the rush of the move, you will forget what you meant and take a guess as to where things should go. (Nice to have all your pots and pans in the garage, isn’t it, Bosco?)

5 If you are moving, do not leave the old house without checking to see that everything is out. If you do, at best, you’ll leave behind things that don’t matter. At worst, you’ll wonder what happened to the washer and dryer in transit. (Of course, the movers thought they stayed with the house, Basil.)

4 If you are moving, do not forget to change the water, gas, and electric bills. If you do, at best, it might take you a day or two to remember. At worst, you receive a bill that is ten times your usual usage. (The new people decided they like the air conditioning set at 70 degrees and the lawn watered daily. Guess you should have paid attention, Bentley.)

3 If you are moving, do not think your new neighbors need to give you cookies. If you do, at best, you might be disappointed. At worst, as you mention the oversight, you learn your previous residents were running a crack house. (Looks like it might be a couple of years before anyone trusts you, Bubba.)

2 If you are moving, do not think the movers will place everything as you have it labeled. If you do, at best, you may find some things in unusual places. At worst, you realize after they are gone that your master bedroom furniture is on the patio. (And guess what furniture is in the master bedroom, Burt?)

1 If you are moving, do not think you can challenge your partner on the layout of each room. If you do, at best, you are in for a long day. At worst, combined with the stress of moving, your input might be enough to win you an overnight accommodation in the backyard. ( You could have said something when the plans were drawn up, huh, Butch?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do Holding Up a Bank

10 If you are holding up a bank, do not hand the teller a note written on the back of one of your checkbook deposit slips; if you do, at best, you need to get the slip back. At worst, the police all-points bulletin will include your name, address, phone number, and the current balance of your account. (Interesting situation having a sheriff’s car waiting in your driveway huh, Buford?)

9 If you are holding up a bank, do not try to convince the teller your banana is a gun. If you do, at best, you will be laughed out of the bank. At worst, Tiny, the WWF champ who has just graduated from security school and desperately wants to try his new taser, is on duty. (Looks like you will be lying on the floor twitching for a while, Tex.)

8 If you are holding up a bank, do not use foul language as part of the process. If you do, at best, one of the customers is your fifth-grade English teacher. At worst, the security camera footage will go viral on YouTube, and your mother will wonder where you learned that kind of language. (It’s hard to explain it was just an act, right, Bosco?)

7 If you are holding up a bank, do not try the caper during non-business hours. If you do, at best, no one will notice you in a ski mask and gloves trying to get in. At worst, if you do get in, all the money will be in a vault, and the alarm system has called the police. (You wonder what those guys mean by, “Come out with your hands up,” Roscoe?)

6 If you are holding up a bank, do not use someone who has been drinking as a getaway driver. If you do, at best, you have to wake them up to get away. At worst, they may plow into the police car on the corner. (The fun part was the cop had no idea a bank robbery was in progress, Buster.)

5 If you are holding up a bank and are successful, do not brag about it on Facebook. If you do, at best, you have so few friends no one will notice. At worst, your post will be forwarded to the police, and you’ll be pinched. (At least the officer gave you a “like,” huh, Putz?)

4 If you are holding up a bank, do not try to push through a door marked “pull.” If you do, at best, you’ll figure it out after a few tries. At worst, you keep bashing the door until the police arrive. (I guess you can blame nerves for your actions, Bunky.)

3 If you are holding up a bank, do not shoot your gun into the ceiling. If you do, at best, you will make a clean getaway. At worst, you will be charged with destruction of property in addition to armed robbery. (Too bad you were caught, Pard.)

2 If you are holding up a bank, do not go through a drive-through for lunch while escaping. If you do, at best, your order will be filled immediately. At worst, you will be asked to pull over while your sandwich is being prepared “especially for you.” It seems the policeman behind you in line had the same sandwich and your license number. ( Those red and blue lights mean something, Ferd.)

1 If you are holding up a bank, do not accept a bag of money that contains a dye pack. If you do, At best, it won’t go off until you get home. At worst, the dye pack will go off as you are walking down the street, subsequently trailing red smoke. (Pretty hard to try to explain the smoke as a lunch that didn’t agree with you, huh, Ralph?)