Top Ten Things Not to Do Holding Up a Bank

~ John W. Howell
I know it seems silly to be writing about holding up a bank, but this subject came up on July 31, 2017, while discussing the idea with a fellow author. I had done a serial on a fellow named Frank, who was very incompetent when it came to holding up banks. This list came out of a half-hearted attempt to help him out. I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do Holding Up a Bank

10 If you are holding up a bank, do not hand the teller a note written on the back of one of your checkbook deposit slips; if you do, at best, you need to get the slip back. At worst, the police all-points bulletin will include your name, address, phone number, and the current balance of your account. (Interesting situation having a sheriff’s car waiting in your driveway huh, Buford?)

9 If you are holding up a bank, do not try to convince the teller your banana is a gun. If you do, at best, you will be laughed out of the bank. At worst, Tiny, the WWF champ who has just graduated from security school and desperately wants to try his new taser, is on duty. (Looks like you will be lying on the floor twitching for a while, Tex.)

8 If you are holding up a bank, do not use foul language as part of the process. If you do, at best, one of the customers is your fifth-grade English teacher. At worst, the security camera footage will go viral on YouTube, and your mother will wonder where you learned that kind of language. (It’s hard to explain it was just an act, right, Bosco?)

7 If you are holding up a bank, do not try the caper during non-business hours. If you do, at best, no one will notice you in a ski mask and gloves trying to get in. At worst, if you do get in, all the money will be in a vault, and the alarm system has called the police. (You wonder what those guys mean by, “Come out with your hands up,” Roscoe?)

6 If you are holding up a bank, do not use someone who has been drinking as a getaway driver. If you do, at best, you have to wake them up to get away. At worst, they may plow into the police car on the corner. (The fun part was the cop had no idea a bank robbery was in progress, Buster.)

5 If you are holding up a bank and are successful, do not brag about it on Facebook. If you do, at best, you have so few friends no one will notice. At worst, your post will be forwarded to the police, and you’ll be pinched. (At least the officer gave you a “like,” huh, Putz?)

4 If you are holding up a bank, do not try to push through a door marked “pull.” If you do, at best, you’ll figure it out after a few tries. At worst, you keep bashing the door until the police arrive. (I guess you can blame nerves for your actions, Bunky.)

3 If you are holding up a bank, do not shoot your gun into the ceiling. If you do, at best, you will make a clean getaway. At worst, you will be charged with destruction of property in addition to armed robbery. (Too bad you were caught, Pard.)

2 If you are holding up a bank, do not go through a drive-through for lunch while escaping. If you do, at best, your order will be filled immediately. At worst, you will be asked to pull over while your sandwich is being prepared “especially for you.” It seems the policeman behind you in line had the same sandwich and your license number. ( Those red and blue lights mean something, Ferd.)

1 If you are holding up a bank, do not accept a bag of money that contains a dye pack. If you do, At best, it won’t go off until you get home. At worst, the dye pack will go off as you are walking down the street, subsequently trailing red smoke. (Pretty hard to try to explain the smoke as a lunch that didn’t agree with you, huh, Ralph?)

63 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do Holding Up a Bank”

  3. My luck, the shot fired into the ceiling would hit a sprinkler line. I’d have the firemen and the police to greet me. LEt’s hope I don’t need this list, John (but I’ll tuck it away just in case).

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you. Now I’m all ready for my next heist. (And I know what I did wrong the last time, mainly number ten and two. What can I say, I forgot to bring anything to write on, and I was hungry!)

    Liked by 1 person

  10. These are hilarious! #5–no joke, but more criminals are captured for putting their escapades on social media. We really need Tiny to knock some sense into those fools.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. The one about not bragging on Face Book or other social media is a good one – that’s how they caught those awful teenagers who ran down a former Chief of Police on his bicycle.

    Like

  15. I’m not planning on holding up a bank, but I can see where your list might be helpful to those so inclined! By the way, I can’t help but giggle when someone in front of me “pulls” a door when it’s clearly marked “push”!!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. I once read a story that bank robbers were caught because, they tried to push open the doors to the street when it said “pull” on them.
    I must admit that I consider this an urban myth because normally, as a safety measure, the doors of a public building should open by pushing. But I still like that story. 🤤

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Wasn’t there a case where the bank robber actually did write the note on the back of one of his deposit slips? Talk about making it easy!

    I love the nod to Far Side too.

    And that dye, it ever does come out. . .

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Great tips for would-be bank robbers … but I hope they don’t take your advice 😉

    (By the way, I replied earlier but WP seems to be having a problem recognizing me unless I “log in.” So my apologies if you wind up with two comments from me :-))

    Liked by 1 person

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