It works this way. I open a book at random and point to the page. The word or words closest to my finger becomes the prompt. Today I opened The Last Drive randomly to page 49. My finger was closest to the word ‘was.’ Since it was part of a quote, I decided to use the whole sentence.
This post originally ran on April 10, 2017. Since we all still (or should) go to the eye doctor, I hope you enjoy it.
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The inspiration for this list was living through the replay of the eye doctor visit with our youngest. Since she is a millennial, we were glad that she went to the eye doctor, so we were passively listening to the blow-by-blow description of the visit.
Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Eye Doctor
10 If you are at the eye doctor, do not guess at the letters on the chart. If you do, at best, you’ll have to retake the test. At worst, the doctor will outfit you with coke bottle lenses that render you sightless. (Seemed like a good joke until the $400 bill was put in your hand, huh, Ferd?)
9 If you are at the eye doctor, do not hesitate when asked which lens is better, one or two? If you do, at best, you’ll get a third choice that doesn’t work. At worst, you’ll spend the afternoon reviewing the lens tests until you finally declare a preference. (It makes you wonder why you are so indecisive, huh, Buford?)
8 If you are at the eye doctor, do not turn down the grandfather sunglasses if your eyes have been dilated. If you do, at best, you may hurt yourself squinting. At worst, you’ll never see Tiny, the WWF champ stepping off the curb. (Always wondered what it is like to run into a rhinoceros, did you? Buster? Now he looks pretty mad.)
7 If you are at the eye doctor, do not have garlic bread for lunch. If you do, at best, your exam may be from across the room. At worst, the doctor must call in a hazmat crew to remove you and your smell from the office. (Sure looked good on the menu, huh, Pard?)
6 If you are at the eye doctor, do not complain about the magazines. If you do, at best, the doctor will raise your bill to cover improvements. At worst, the magazines were a personal choice by the doctor and sold by the underprivileged children of the doctor’s church. (You wish for an atomic bomb blast to take you out right now, right, Slick?)
5 If you are at the eye doctor, do not try to tell the doctor what you think you need regarding a prescription. If you do, at best, the doctor will ignore you. At worst, the doctor will refer you to the eye doctor next door who happens to specialize in large animals. (You look pretty foolish in that stall, Slug.)
4 If you are at the eye doctor, do not have a few drinks before. If you do, at best, the doctor will be able to detect the fact. At worst, the doctor will be calling social services to set you up with a counselor for the seeing impaired. (Why all these people think you need help is beyond you, isn’t it, Putz?)
3 If you are at the eye doctor, do not try on one hundred pairs of frames. If you do, at best, you’ll realize your face is the problem. At worst, the office will close, and you’ll find yourself on the street with two monocles in your hand. (Try to figure out how to use those, Tex. A hint. You have to arch your eyebrow.)
2 If you are at the eye doctor, do not try to stay within your insurance budget. If you do, at best, you get half a pair of glasses. At worst, you might be able to make it work if you give up on the nose and ear pieces. (You are right back to the monocle, aren’t you, Pal)
1 If you are at the eye doctor, do not argue about going to stronger lenses. If you do, at best, you will appear petty and self-absorbed. At worst, you will demonstrate your fear of getting older, which your doctor will take as a cry for help. (I hope you are enjoying your group therapy sessions. Come on, tell us how you really feel. That’s where it’s at, isn’t it, Bunky?)
Today we are going to search Lakeway for signs of Easter. We are being catered by Another Broken Egg of Austin. Our entertainment is Bing Crosby.
Menu
SHRIMP ‘N GRITS – Gulf shrimp and andouille sautéed with red peppers and onions in a spicy low country reduction over creamy cheese grits. Served with garlic bread and lemon.
HASH BROWN BENEDICT – Ham and cheese stuffed crispy hash brown croquettes, topped with poached eggs, mushroom herbed hollandaise, and red peppers. Served with grits or fresh country potatoes.
EGGS BLACKSTONE BENEDICT – Grilled red tomato slices on an English muffin, topped with poached eggs, hollandaise, chopped bacon, and green onions. Served with grits or fresh country potatoes.
MARDI GRAS OMELETTE – Filled with Louisiana crawfish, gulf shrimp, andouille, and red peppers, topped with tomato hollandaise, tomatoes, and green onions. Served with an English muffin and grits or fresh country potatoes.
CRAB CAKE BENEDICT – Jumbo lump crab cakes on an English muffin, topped with poached eggs, andouille-infused hollandaise, red peppers, and green onions. Served with grits or fresh country potatoes.
SMOKED SALMON BENEDICT – Toasted bagel, cream cheese, smoked salmon, and poached eggs, topped with red onions, capers, and green onions. Served with grits or fresh country potatoes.
COUNTRY POWER BOWL – Scrambled eggs filled with country ham, onions, and tomatoes over Cheddar jack cheese grits. Topped with country sausage gravy. Served with baked bacon and an oversized biscuit.
CHICKEN & WAFFLES – Crispy fried chicken tenders on a Belgian waffle, drizzled with house-made chipotle honey.
CINNAMON ROLL FRENCH TOAST – Thick-sliced, house-baked French-toast style cinnamon rolls topped with cream cheese icing, rum butter sauce drizzle, fresh seasonal berries, and fresh whipped cream. Served with two eggs any style and baked bacon or house-made sausage patties.
MONTEREY POWER OMELETTE – Egg white omelet filled with chicken, onions, green chilies, and tomatoes. Topped with guajillo sauce, Jack cheese, and avocado. Side of sour cream. Served with an English muffin and fresh seasonal fruit.
SKINNY OMELETTE – Goat-cheese-filled egg white omelet with asparagus, roasted red peppers, and roasted garlic cloves. Topped with fresh herbs and green onions. Served with an English muffin and fresh seasonal fruit.
SHRIMP BENNY – Poached eggs on grilled focaccia with sautéed mushrooms, roasted peppers, onions, and arugula. Topped with Gulf shrimp in a creamy velouté sauce and green onions. Served with fresh seasonal fruit.
Let’s go.
Our first stop is a fancy bunny mail topper.
Next is another bunny but one looking very content.
The purple house has gone all out with Easter Baskets (in the skeleton’s flanges) and eggs.
Now, this is an Easter display that you may remember from last year.
Bunny guards the door.
Here are some pretty sketchy carrots. The spring wreaths look good.
Bunny-eared tortoise. Yes, that is a bunny tail on the tortoise too.
Reaching for the steaming cup of heaven’s gift for a no-morning person, the thought raced through my mind. What antic will those Warner Brother look-alikes have on tap today? The answer came swiftly after the first sip. A voice so loud the vibrations of my cup threatened a tsunami that would ruin both my morning and the living room carpet. “I say there, boy. I say hey, come out here. Yes, you boy. I say, I’m talking to you” It was clear Foghorn Leghorn was in the tent. Taking what was left of my coffee to the tent’s darkness, the tense music caused me to stop. In the center ring, a spotlight was focused on Foghorn, slowly inserting himself into the muzzle of a giant cannon.
Phil Harris was exhorting the crowd to cheer him on. The Tasmanian Devil, Beaky Buzzard, Yosemite Sam, Sylvester, Henery Hawk, Claude Cat, Arnold the Pit Bull, Hector the Bulldog, Baba Looey, Charles the Dog, and Lola Bunny were all dressed as clowns and holding a substantial net downrange of the cannon.
Phil finally got to the point of saying, “Ready, aim ……….fire.” With that, a loud explosion and shower of sparks followed the form of Longhorn as he rose out of the muzzle and straight up to the tent’s peak. NewtonNewton’sf gravity could not be denied, and Fognorn slowly arched over and began an ever-increasing speed of descent. “I say, boy. I say, y’all on the net. I say, look smart now ’cause here I come.”
Foghorn hit the net with such force that he created a hole that sucked the rest of the clowns into its depths. Foghorn managed to pull himself and the others out of the hole. “I say, boy” I’m happy for the soft Earth and sawdust ring.” He walks over and hands me an envelope before taking a large bow acknowledging the cheering crowd.
Of course, the message was from Linda Hill, and it read. Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “antic.” Use it as a word or find a word that contains it. Bonus points if you do both. Enjoy!
The mainstream media is filled with headlines about how the United States is helping Ukraine, but under the radar is how some Ukrainians are returning the favor.
Having arrived in Minneapolis, Minnesota, as recently as a few months ago, a group of 7 Ukrainian refugees has signed up for a 2,000-mile road trip to Mississippi to help with tornado relief.
Tornadoes tore a path of destruction across rural Mississippi and Alabama on the night of Friday the 24th. The nonprofit American Service is just one of several aid organizations heading to help the victims.
They quickly organized a team of volunteers and headed down to North Fork, MI, expecting to arrive on Tuesday.
American Service’s Director of Operations, Sofiia Rudenko, is a Ukrainian who has only been in the country since Christmas. Still, after receiving help settling in from American Service, she quickly dedicated her time to helping other new arrivals.
“Here in America, a lot of people helped me to establish here, and we have this kind of culture that we want not only to take but also to give back and to help the others,” Rudenko told MPR News.
“I found a group of people, Ukrainian, that is not working today and willing to go immediately, and now we’re packing and going. It’s so exciting. I hope we can do something great for this world.”
American Service has so far helped 80 Ukrainians like Rudenko find temporary housing, jobs, and a bit of community in Minneapolis.
Their first trip down to Mississippi is to bring water exclusively, and a second trip will follow based on whatever they discover is in short supply after the first trip.
The good news here is those who have been helped are repaying by helping others who need help. Today’s JohnKu talks about repayments. I hope your weekend is lovely.
The method used is to open a book to a random page and point to a page without looking. Today’s finger-point prompt was pulled from The Last Drive on page 107. The word my finger points to is ‘wandering.’ I hope you enjoy it. (by the way, excuse the fuzzy focus on the word. The camera intended to make sure my hand was in the foreground.
“I’ve been told this building has an exclusive bar.”
“Well, this is a hotel, so your information is correct. It is not on this floor, though.”
“OMG. I don’t know how I got lost. What floor is it on?
“It’s one floor beneath you. It’s the lobby floor.”
“Is it far?”
“Heavens no. Here let me help you to the elevator.”
“Elevator? What’s that?”
“It is used to travel between floors.”
“I’ve never ridden in one.”
“You mean you used the stairs?”
“I suppose.”
“Well. Come with me. Here this is the elevator. Just get on and punch the button marked L.”
“Could you help me? I don’t see very well.”
“Certainly. I’ll come with you.”
“You are very kind.”
“Here we are. The lobby. The bar is right over there.”
“Would it be too much trouble to take me there? I’m so tired from walking.”
“Yes, hold my arm, and I’ll take you.”
“Ever so kind.”
“Here we are. Isn’t it a magnificent bar?”
“Oh, but it is. Where’s the bartender?”
“Here, I’ll call him. Oh, barkeep?”
“Yes, sir.”
This guest wants something. Go ahead, sir.”
“Where’s the bartender.”
“I’m right here, sir.”
“I know I can see you. I just need you to answer my question. You see, my jaws aren’t as strong as they used to be, so I will need some easier wood to chew.”
“You’re a termite.”
“Correct.”
“The old joke. The termite walks into a bar and asks, “Where’s the bar tender.”
“Yup. That’s the situation.”
“Never thought I would live to see it happen.”
“So?”
“I’d try next to the window. The sun keeps hitting the bar there. I’m sure it is more tender.”
“Much obliged. See you later.”
“Yeah, sure. Look forward to it. Hey, Charlie, where did that guy come from anyway.”
This was posted on March 21, 2016. I hope you enjoy it.
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If you are like me, you don’t often go to the museum, but when visiting, you like to have as little to do with other people as possible. The inspiration for this list is the sometimes annoying behavior of other visitors on these rare visit occasions. I live on an island and have visited the local museum many times, so my other museum visits involve travel and time. The trouble of getting to a museum is why I’m incredibly annoyed when others seem to believe space is theirs to do as they please.
Top Ten Things Not to Do in a Museum
10 If you are visiting a museum in the kid’s section, do not hog all the interactive displays. If you do, at best, you will upset your kids. At worst, you will give new meaning to the term bully. (Sure, the electricity display is fun, but come on, Rufus, give the kids a break)
9 If you are in a museum, do not continue walking around in your squeaky shoes. If you do, at best, you will annoy everyone you pass. At worst, your squeaks will spark an instinctive urge to kill in Tiny, the WWF ex-world champ just released from a treatment facility. (Yes, his eyes are glowing red, and he’s coming your way)
8 If you are in an Art museum, do not loudly vocalize your profound understanding of the artist’s motivation in any work. If you do, at best, those around you will have validation you don’t know anything about art. At worst, you may have to put up for the rest of your visit with a similarly-minded art aficionado who hasn’t had a bath in months. (You really have something to say about the piece titled “My Poop?)
7 If you are in a museum, do not touch a painting. If you do, at best, a kindly octogenarian guard will ask you to step away. At worst, you will have to be quick to avoid the falling gate and the tear gas before you are tackled by a SWAT Team member. (Now you know the sign “Do Not Touch The Art” is not kidding. Don’t worry. You’ll make bail.)
6 If you are in a museum, do not take pictures. If you do, at best, you will be asked to stop. At worst, your camera will be confiscated, and you will be charged a royalty for each picture. (Of course, instead of paying, you could always let them keep your camera or phone)
5 If you are in a museum, do not talk back in a loud voice to the recorded tour you hear in your headphones. If you do, at best, all you’ll get are strange looks. At worst, some well-meaning person will call EMS since they are convinced you are in an overdose situation. (The tip-off for them was when you were arguing with the recording about the meaning of a black hole.)
4 If you are in a museum, do not try to help the staff by removing a dinosaur tibia bone because you thought it would fall. If you do, at best, the bone is going to fall on its own before you touch it. At worst, the bone was the cornerstone of the entire dinosaur skeleton, and although it looked like it would fall was positioned that way because it supported the whole ten thousand bone construction. (It only took museum employees four years to construct what took four seconds for you to make into a pile. Sneaking out before discovery might be a life-saving measure)
3 If you visit a primarily adult display museum, do not take kids under three years old. If you do, at best, you will be worn out trying to keep them quiet. At worst, the time of the rest of the people in the museum will be spent wishing you could keep them quiet and how to get you all to leave. (Better a trip to the park next time)
2 If you visit an art museum, do not discuss out loud your art at home as it compares to the masters. If you do, at best, others will think you are a braggart. At worst, you might be overheard by an enterprising but out-of-work youth who will surprise you in the middle of the night while helping himself to your paintings. (Now, don’t you feel foolish discussing those Wal-Mart knock-offs?)
1 If you visit an art museum, do not comment on the nude statues in your outside voice. If you do, at best, some may be offended by your observations. At worst, you may unknowingly violate some local indecency ordinance when referring to particular body parts. (Most everyone will admit after you were taken away, the way you wove Da Vinci’s David into your locker room joke was pretty funny)
Since there is not too much going on in Lakeway, I thought we would just cruise and see what turns up. We are catered by Valentina’s of Austin, and our entertainment is Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow.
Menu
So let’s go.
Our first stop is near city hall and the chess player sculpture. Looks like they are putting in a path.
It winds past the Elk sculptures.
A piece of equipment for Dan.
A new pedestrian bridge over the creek.
A final look at the site.
You don’t often see pinwheels in bags of recyclables.
A desk in pieces. Maybe work at home time is over.
A broken pot inside its identical partner. Now, this is a sad scene.
Here’s a pot on its own. Looks like plant culture didn’t go well.
The old recliner with a cup holder. This serious leisure item on the street means the tough times are back.
Box springs and door combo means someone didn’t clean their room on time. (Parent quote, “If you don’t clean up this room, I’m throwing your door and bed in the trash.”)
Well, that’s the tour. I hope you liked a little bit of nothing. Now relax have some food and enjoy the music.
The air is filled with the first signs of spring. The coffee machine has granted another hassle-free cup of life-giving elixir. The first sip jogs the memory. There is still a circus in the backyard. Avoiding the truth, my thoughts turned to the bottle of milk I emptied on a bowl of Raisin Bran Crunch. A run to the store will have to be made before another serving. Putting a reminder in my phone, my attention is shattered by the loudspeaker outside. “Ladies and Gentlemen and children of all ages. I direct your attention to the ceiling. High above the arena awaits the lovely Petunia Pig. She is the queen of the flying trapeze.” A quick entrance into the tent confirmed Petunia Pig bathed in white hot spotlights at the very top of the tent.
The music begins, and she starts swaying on the bar of a trapeze. The diamonds in her tiara reflect the spotlights, producing dancing light flashes. The crowd goes quiet as she picks up momentum and then erupts in a collective sound of surprise as she leaves the one swinging bar and catches another. She flips around and catches a third trapeze in time to prevent a bone-crushing fall. Porky hangs by his knees upside down on the fourth swing and maintains a back-and-forward swinging motion while continuing to bring his hooves together and then apart as a signal he is ready to catch the flying queen.
Petunia builds momentum on her trapeze as the music keeps time to her motion. Once she reaches the highest point of the swing arc, she lets go. Like a soaring bird, she flies toward Porky. He is ready for her, and in one heartstopping moment, he snatches her from sure death. The crowd, as one lets up a monster, cheer. The band increases the volume of the music, and Porky lifts Petunia to the still-swinging bar. He joins her, and in tandem, they acknowledge the adoration of those below.
My neck hurts from straining to see and the tension of the moment. Turning to leave, my progress is stopped by a bump into Speedy Gonzales. “Ah, senor,” he says. “I have an envelope for you.” My first thought was to run away, but that would be a hopeless gesture. Speedy hands me the envelope. Inside is the message we all expect from Linda Hill. It reads. Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “the last thing you emptied.” Think of the last thing you emptied or something you empty often and use it as your prompt any way you like. Have fun!
If you want to have fun, visit Linda’s blog and read how easy it is. Here is the link.
Our first stop is a fancy bunny mail topper.
