Photo by Ankhesenamun on Unsplash
This post ran first on July 26, 2016. I’m sure there will be some art shows you’ll want to attend so the advice will hopefully be helpful.
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Top Ten Things Not to Do at an Art Show
10 If you are attending an art show, do not touch any of the art. If you do, at best, you’ll be reprimanded by the artist. At worst, that blotch of tomato sauce from your stromboli, which now sits on the piece of art, marks it as yours. (You always wanted to own a painting with the obsessive/compulsive title “My Evil Obsession,” didn’t you, Slick?)
9 If you are attending an art show, do not ask the artist if they give a discount. If you do, at best, you will have to listen to a monologue about the value of hand-crafted art. At worst, you will be called certain names which you probably haven’t been called before. (That peyote sure gets those artist folks fired up, doesn’t it?)
8 If you are attending an art show, do not sit in a chair that is clearly a work of art. If you do, at best, you will be asked kindly to get up. At worst, you might face Tiny, the WWF ex-champ who is also a very close friend of the artist. (That crack you just heard better be a bone and not the chair.)
7 If you are attending an art show, do not interact with an exhibit that has a sign “Look but don’t touch.” If you do, at best, nothing will break, and you’ll make a clean getaway. At worst, although fun, the cost of that broken piece will keep you on peanut butter sandwiches for months. (Who ever heard of a wind-up toy that doesn’t wind up?)
6 If you are attending an art show, do not let your kids run helter-skelter through the exhibits. If you do, at best, the organizer will return them to you with a stern warning. At worst, your youngest will come screaming to you with a ransom note demanding payment before the release of the others. (A bit costly for a few minutes of entertainment, wouldn’t you say?)
5 If you are attending an art show, do not pick up objects to see how they feel. If you do, at best, you’ll be lucky and not drop one. At worst, that eagle feather that looked so light will turn out to be made of concrete that unfortunately broke in two as it took out the mirror-covered table. (A two-finger lift was not the best way.)
4 If you are attending an art show, do not try to impress the artist if you know nothing about art. If you do, at best, you will confirm you know nothing. At worst, the artist will kindly listen and then call upon the local shaman to strike you mute. (Was fun listening to yourself talk until you couldn’t anymore, right?)
3 If you are attending an art show, do not eat anything while touring the booths. If you do, at best, most of the artists will warn you away. At worst, you could be the proud owner of an unusual weaving kissed with Philly Cheesesteak juice. (Wasn’t your first choice, was it?)
2 If you are attending an art show, do not try to barter your books for a piece of art of your choice. If you do, at best, the artist will say they have already read your book. At worst, the artist will flip through your book and hand it back. (You didn’t need to hear that they don’t ever read your genre.)
1 If you are attending an art show, do not think your purchase has a money-back guarantee. If you do, at best, you will be embarrassed when you try to bring it back. At worst, the artist will be insulted that you didn’t want to keep the precious item. (That lawyer they hired just won’t go away, darn it.)
Fiction Favorites 
I’m sure I’ve seen social media videos of all of these happening.
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I’m sure you have. 😁
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I laughed hard at Tiny, harder at the eagle feather, and hardest at the ransom note. Thanks for the belly laughs, John.
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Thanks for letting me know you like the post, Jennie.
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You’re welcome, John.
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😊
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Dang! I could use that shaman’s contact information. There are a few people I’d like to curse.
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Dial 666. Miss Harpy will take care of you.
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Cool. I remember her.
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Cold hearted that one.
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Had to laugh about the kid with the ransom note. 🙂
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Made me laugh too. Thanks, Joan.
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Number 1 is exactly why we buy all of our art at Walmart…thankfully, we have never needed to return any of “our pieces”. Fun read this morning John…thanks.
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Glad you like it, Jim.
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Our daughter went to art school, John. Not many people have the experience of reframing a work of art at 2:00 am because someone knocked it off the wall while setting up the show. Tiny did not get involved, but I don’t think I knew of his availability at the time.
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Would have been nice to be able to call him up for sure
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If you are attending an art show, don’t be tempted to think, “I could do better than that.” Trust me, you couldn’t!
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Sounds like great advice. 😁
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I would add, Keith, don’t say “I could do better” out loud either!
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That would be so wrong in so many ways…
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Indeed it would.
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Good one, Liz.
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Thanks, John!
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A friend of mine has a studio where they regularly have showings. I’ve seen #6 many times.
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Sadly you see kids off hook everywhere. Thanks, Teri.
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Regardless of the event, if I see #6, I’m outa there!
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I agree.
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No. 2 would be sooo embarrassing!! Hard enough to sell books without having your give-aways returned. And what is it about art that makes us want to touch??
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I don’t know but it is true.
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Observe with hands in pockets and behave. 🙂
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Yes indeed. Thanks, Tim
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I loved the one about not dropping an objet d’art. I just read that some art show visitor dropped and broke and multi-thousand dollar piece of art. He or she will be paying the cost for years – and I’m not sure it is replaceable. All these warnings are pretty hilarious, but definitely true!
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Thank you, Noelle. 😊
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Great list, John. It’s heartbreaking to see anyone damaging art. I always wonder about their parents or their teachers. Somehow these individuals grew up unaware of the inherent value of paintings and other works of art.
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I think it really boils down to respect. Respect the artist and the art.
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So true!
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Good point, Liz
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Thanks, John.
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😁
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I’m with you. I just don’t understand some behaviors. Thanks, Gwen
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I cracked up at the money-back guarantee. 🙂 Good top ten, John!
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Thank you, Jan.
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This is a great list, John. Sadly, a lot of people do exactly what you say they shouldn’t do.
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it is sad. Thanks, Marie.
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Haha, John, as someone who has recently started drawing and painting, I feel some affinity to the poor artists.
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You are wonder woman for sure.
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As always, a great list, John!
But do you think Tiny would get mad if I told the artist, I could do better?
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Naw. Give it a try. I would dress lightly in case you need to move out of there fast.
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💨 like the wind…
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Ha ha ha Good plan. 😁
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Good post, John 🙂 I have a hard time with the look do not touch part
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We all do.
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Made me laugh.
You know, you probably shouldn’t yell fire or pull the fire alarm and set off the sprinkler system. Just food for thought.
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That is a good upgrade, Michele.
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Ah! I love Number 2, John. That one got a guffaw out of me. So funny. All of us writers were muttering “Oh darn.”
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Oh darn, indeed.
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I don’t know — if I were you, I might try bartering one of your books for some especially nice art. Nothing ventured, nothing gained!
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Might be laughed out of the place. 🤣
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You’re right on about the discount. I was married to an artist once and I knew better than to ask!
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I was also married to an artist once. What a ride. 😁
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Seriously!
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Yes, indeed 15 years of mayhem.
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And you know there are peeps out there that do all of these things…
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And drop trash at the park.
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Yes! These people are exactly that!
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😊
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I’m always concerned with commenting on a work of art and completely misinterpreting what the artist actually tried to convey. Look but don’t touch…and don’t talk either, John!😃
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An artist once told me that art is personal. It means different things to different people. I like that idea.
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This is why I love street art!
No fear or pretensions.
Although, I did sit on a bench that was part of the show many years ago. It was totally humiliating.
õẋ õẋ õẋ õẋ
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I would have loved to have been there for that. We could have turned humiliation into grand gesture. õẋ õẋ õẋ õẋ 🌺
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“This is the most public of my many humiliations.”
A grand gesture, eh? I wonder what that could be? 🌺 õẋ õẋ õẋ õẋ 🌺
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I fall to one knee take your hand and say loudly “That bench is much too common for your highness.” OX OX OX OX
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Wish I had read this a couple of weeks earlier. There was this Vincent van Gogh show that I went to with my wife. What I think saved me was that it was only a projection of his works in a warehouse-like space. There was no real art in there. Phew!
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You were very lucky, Ankur. Hard not to violate one rule or another.
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[…] Top Ten Things Not to Do at an Art Show […]
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Thanks for sharing my post.
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If you ask me, #2 sounds a little too close to home, John. Just sayin’.
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Ha ha ha.
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