This post was published in December of 2017. Since history does not lend itself to humor this week, I thought you might enjoy a revisit or a visit for those who missed it.
I always enjoy wrapping presents. I pretty much avoid the “store gift wrap” in favor of the messes I create. I think putting oneself into the process is a way you can show the recipients of the gift that you really care. The inspiration for this post is every year of doing my own. I hope you enjoy it.
10 If you are gift wrapping, don’t think it’s the thought that counts. If you do, at best, your wrapping will look like you didn’t think at all. At worst, your package will be mistaken for trash and never opened in the first place. (No wonder you didn’t get a thank you, Cassidy.)
9 If you are gift wrapping, do not try to use a fake box with Tiny, the WWF champ who just enrolled in a court-ordered intensive course on how to handle disappointment. If you do at best, you won’t be in the room when Tiny open,s the Tiffany box to find a screwdriver. At worst, although Tiny will do his best to control himself, it may be more than one can expect. (You have been thinking of removing that dining room wall anyway right, Crane?)
8 If you are gift wrapping, do not use seasonally inappropriate paper. If you do, at best, others will think you mentally unstable. At worst, friends and family will gather and determine what to do with you now that you have lost track of time. (Okay, so you wanted to save a few bucks on paper, but Easter wrap was not the way to go, Clive.)
7 If you are gift wrapping, do not forget the nametags. If you do, at best, you’ll remember each gift and who it goes to just by the wrapping. At worst, Uncle Phil will wonder what you are trying to say with the Lady Schick electric razor gift. (You thought for sure that red box was a bottle of bourbon, Cal. I wonder what aunt Helen thinks of it.)
6 If you are gift wrapping, do not forget to measure twice before cutting once. If you do, at best, there is a smaller box that can be wrapped with your mistakes. At worst, you have another trip to the wrapping store to get additional supplies. (Too bad they are all out of Christmas wrap, huh, Cameron? They have plenty of Easter wrap, though.)
5 If you are gift wrapping, do not use the same paper for all the gifts. If you do, someone will recognize it as last year’s $0.99 Target sale item. At worst, your display under the tree will look like the packages were done by Mrs. Jones first grade class. (Why is everyone asking if these gifts are meant for a Toys for Tots donation, Carling?)
4 If you are gift wrapping, do not throw away the return receipts. If you do, at best all your gifts will be perfect. At worst, those gifts that were a little off the mark will show up next year. (You could have sworn you gave this scarf to your cousin last year, huh, Carmichael?)
3 If you are gift wrapping, do not think more scotch tape will solve sloppy wrapping. If you do, at best, your recipients will have a scissor handy to cut through. At worst, you’ll get calls about paper cuts and tape in kid’s hair. (Maybe taking more time would have been a good idea, Carver.)
2 If you are gift wrapping, do not try to create what you are not qualified to design. If you do, at best yours will be the last one opened. At worst, your package will end up looking like a bizarre thing that should soak in water before being disarmed. (Gotta wonder why your brother-in-law called the bomb squad. That grenade on top was a dummy right, Caster?)
1 If you are gift wrapping, do not think a bunch of sparkling confetti in the box will be well received. If you do, at best, the recipient will be kind and not shoot you. At worst, the gift is opened on the new white living room carpet. (You just know that stuff will be there until next year, don’t you, Chadwick?)
