This week marks the anniversary of the lighting of the first national Christmas tree on the White House grounds by Calvin Coolidge on Christmas Eve in 1923. The tree was a balsam fir from Vermont and stood 48 feet high. It was also the first time electricity was used to light the green and red bulbs. In the spirit of the season, we need to go there and take part in the ceremony. Don’t forget to pack this list. We don’t want any accidents in the time continuum.

Top Ten Things Not to do at the Lighting of the First National Christmas Tree in 1923.

10 If you go, do not start singing “Rocking Around the Christmas Tree.” If you do, at best, everyone will believe you were overserved with Wassel. At worst, you’ll raise questions about this thing calls “rock.” (Now you’ve done it, Julius. You are singing a song released in 1958 and trust me, brother, you are no Brenda Lee.)

9 If you go, do not ignore the warnings of Tiny, the WWF champ, to stay behind the ropes. If you do, at best, you’ll get a shove that will return you to behind the lines. At worst, Tiny, who missed his last five self-esteem group meetings, will take personal offense that you didn’t listen to him. (Don’t worry, Jamal. Tiny will tire of spinning you above his head and give you a toss. Good thing, there is snow on the ground. Oh, I didn’t see that rock where you landed. That had to have hurt.)

8 If you go, do not mess with the extension cord running from the White House to the tree. If you do, at best only the tree lights will go out. At worst, you will be the cause of the East Coast grid going down. (How embarrassing for Mr. Coolidge. Here he wanted to do something beautiful for the country, and instead, the population is shivering in their dark hovels on Christmas. I couldn’t have invented a more “Grinch stole Christmas” story if I tried, Jon. Thanks.)

7 If you go, do not take more than one sugar cookie. If you do, at best, some others will not want theirs. At worst, you will have eaten a cookie that would have marked the difference between a joyous Christmas and dismal for a sweet child. Wow another story, Joey. You are some muse.)

6 If you go, do not think you can join the Epiphany Church choir in singing Christmas carols. If you do, at best, the numbers will drown you out. At worst, you’ll take a solo part causing multiple shatterings of the White House Waterford crystal. (Talk about not being invited back next year, Jermaine. Mrs. Coolidge is in tears, and Calvin looks like he is going to explode.)

5 If you go, do not forget to take a gift. If you do, at best, no one will notice. At worse, Calvin will let you know that all the presents received are being given to the orphanage. (You might want to run down to the five and dime and pick something up, Jax. No, taking one from the plie just won’t cut it.)

4 If you go, do not remove one of the 2500 bulbs on the tree, thinking it would make a great souvenir. If you do, at best, no one will miss it. At worst, once you remove the bulb, the rest go dark. (This is 1923, Jeffery. Way before the invention of the parallel circuit light string where the others stay lit. )

3 If you go, do not forget to take off your wet boots before traipsing through the White House. If you do, at best, others will too. At worst, the head custodian of the White House will make sure you clean up the mess. (Also, Jefferson, the head custodian, is Tiny’s brother, Bigen. It looks like you will be mopping floors for a very long time.)

2 If you go, do not think you can take an ornament off the inside tree. If you do, at best security will let you put it back. At worst, you will be charged with attempting to steal government property. (Benjamin Harrison was the first to set up a tree in the White House in 1889. You just managed to grab one of the original ornaments, Jarrod. This just may be a capital crime. At least Calvin thinks so.)

1 If you go, do not bring out your “Save the Trees” protest sign. If you do, at best, you’ll get raised eyebrows. At worst, Calvin will ask the Marine Band to play some traveling music while the secret service escorts you to Pennsylvania Avenue. (Nothing like a grand exit, Jules. You certainly will be talked about, especially since you caught your trousers on the iron fence after being tossed over. The hit song Moon over Pennsylvania captured the moment.)

December 16th marks the 116th anniversary of the first flight of a self-propelled heavier than air aircraft by the Wright brothers at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. We do want to go and witness this major event. I have a list of things to avoid so that we don’t get into any trouble while we are there. So let’s get ready to go.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Flight of an Airplane.

10 If you are at the first airplane flight, do not ask the Wrights for a special in-flight meal. If you do, at best, you’ll get a confused look. At worst, Orville will think you have a great idea, but the weight of the turkey will prevent the flight from taking off. (You did not have to specify turkey, Jose. A nice cucumber sandwich would have sufficed.)

9 If you are at the first airplane flight, do not ignore Tiny the WWF champ and self-appointed flight attendant directions. If you do, at best, Tiny won’t notice. At worst, Tiny, who has skipped the last ten court-ordered anger management sessions, is highly offended. (Well, Jamie. You only have yourself to blame. It appears Tiny wants to see if you bounce when dropped out of a plane at 1000 feet. I think we’d all like to know that too.)

8 If you are at the first airplane flight, do not demand a hotel and meal voucher if your flight gets canceled. If you do, at best, no one will understand what you are talking about. At worst, on top of all their troubles, the Wright brothers will consider you a pest. (Looks like Wilber is coming out of the barn with his trusty shotgun, Jackson. It may be time to try out those new Nike running shoes.)

7 If you are at the first airplane flight, do not shout, “Go Gamecocks.” If you do, at best, everyone will be busy and not hear you. At worst, the crowd will come to a silent halt. (You see, Jake, The Gamecocks are a South Carolina University team, and you are standing in Tar Heels territory, which is North Carolina University space. I see a few men picking up shovels. Best head for the hills.)

6 If you are at the first airplane flight, do not try to check an overweight bag. If you do, at best, it will be refused. At worst, the luggage will be jettisoned once the Wrights are airborne.  (Looks like those Sponge Bob Squarepants boxers are a big hit with the goats, Jude. With everyone else not so much.)

5 If you are at the first airplane flight, do not ask Wilber if he gives frequent flyer miles. If you do, at best, Wilber will miss the point. At worst, Wilber will issue you credit for the 100 feet before he ejects you from the plane. (You see, Juan. This thing isn’t ready for passenger travel yet no matter what Orville says.)

4 If you are at the first airplane flight, do ask about a Wright Airline club membership. If you do, at best, you’ll get no response. At worst, Wilber will collect a lifetime fee and direct you to the barn. (Quit complaining, Jay. This club is so exclusive you are the only member. Those chickens are interlopers, and I would report them to the management. Free drinks? Sure the pump is right over there.)

3 If you are at the first airplane flight, do not ask for champaign once you get on the plane. If you do, at best, you’ll get a laugh from Orville who will think you are joking. At worst, Orville will find it easier to take someone else than to get a bottle of champaign (Well that didn’t end well, Joe. Now you’ll have to beg for a ride.)

2 If you are at the first airplane flight, do not ask Wilber what time you are arriving at your destination. If you do, at best, Wilber won’t hear you. At worst, Wilber will wonder what happened to your brain. (The first flight lasted 12 seconds and went 120 feet, Jerome. It’s no wonder Wilber thinks you are nuts.)

1 If you are at the first airplane flight, do not ask which movie is playing. If you do, at best, you’ll get a blank stare. At worst, since Orville and Wilber are serious fellows, they think your question is an insult. (Movies are just becoming popular, Jerry but are seen as frivolous entertainment. These two guys from Ohio are very sensitive. Oh look, they have called the sheriff. It must be time to go.)