Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Decide to Self-Publish Your Book

October 12, 2015October 11, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 68 Comments

The inspiration for this list is my latest efforts to self-publish the next John J. Cannon story titled His Revenge. Since I had absolutely no experience in publishing the journey was a long winding road marked by plenty of mistakes. I’m sure the trial and error method of my learning is not over yet, but here is some of what I learned. Don’t forget I’m a fiction writer, so some of these lessons have been enhanced with dubious facts to make them more interesting and hopefully humorous. I would, therefore, resist publishing this list on the Huffington Post. (hear that Arianna?)

10 If you decide to self-Publish your book, do not drink any alcoholic beverages for four weeks before and two weeks after you hit the publish button. If you do, at best those little things you forgot are not necessary. At worst, you find out after six weeks you submitted the wrong cover with the manuscript. (You know the one. It has “fiction” spelled “fuction”).

9 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not try to edit the manuscript yourself. If you do, at best you will have a fool for an editor. At worst, your book will be featured on a blog with the lovely title of “The Poorest Written Books of the Year.” (You are so lucky to have the top position)

8 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not think you don’t need to know how to format the interior. If you do, at best your readers will be treated to several blank lines. At worst, your book will resemble something created by a room full of monkeys on keyboards. (Yeah, it can be done but that one page with only the word “then” on it took the cake)

7 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not think that cute Crayola picture done by your youngest on the cover is relevant to the book. If you do, at best you will miss some sales due to the confusion. At worst, you will get some letters from outraged parents who thought the story of a mass murderer was a kids story. (Ah well, you can always refund the money)

6 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not think you don’t have to follow the instructions on the publishing site. If you do, at best you will finally give in and start over following directions after wasting many hours. At worst, you will be locked out of the site for one hundred years. (Most places have no sense of humor when it comes to messing with their process).

5 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not think the various choices offered by the site are not significant enough to understand the differences. If you do, at best you may end up with a book that does not make you happy. At worst, your book is so expensive to produce you have no royalty or room to promote. (You are independently wealthy Right?).

4 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not think you don’t need to order a proof copy. If you do, at best you will miss some of those little messy typos and double periods. At worst, you totally missed the fact that you mislabeled the chapter headings and now have two of each. (The reviewers will have so much fun pointing out the mirror effect).

3 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not rush the process. If you do, at best there will be something overlooked but no one will notice. At worst, you forgot to include the dedication that you already read aloud to the recipient. (Hard to convince the person you were sincere after this omission).

2 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not think you can skip the marketing. If you do, at best your family and friends will carry you for a couple of sales. At worst, you will be one of several hundred thousand books published at the same time and will be entirely lost in the numbers. (You did expect to sell your beautiful book right?)

1 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not lay awake at night worrying about possible mistakes instead of planning every detail. If you do, at best you will feel out of control. At worst, you will have a lot to worry about since without planning mistakes will happen. (Even with planning there could be some, Nobody’s perfect).

Sunday – Fifty-Two Views of the Gulf

October 11, 2015October 10, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 18 Comments

The view is good. The wind is low velocity and the wave action normal. We had two days of rain and managed to get about an inch and one-half. The only one out there is a jogger.

Last week’s photo.

Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt “Ing”

October 10, 2015October 9, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 22 Comments

Stream of Consciousness Saturday time again and this week the prompt is “ing.” On top of the prompt, we get extra points for using ing in the first and last word of the piece. You may think these points aren’t important. Well, let me tell you …..hmm. If you would like to know more about this craziness visit Lind’s site and read all about it. Also, there is quite a few clever writers all working hard for the points. http://lindaghill.com/2015/10/09/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-oct-1015/ Here is my interpretation.

“Ing come over here.”

“Yes, boss. What is it?”

“I’ve noticed you have not been using your last name on all your project requisitions. Mind telling me why?”

“Well, boss I think my first name is distinctive and to add my last name would take away from that. Ing Schtingmeister does not roll off the tongue. I’m gaining a rep as the Mighty Ing.”

“I can appreciate that Ing, but company policy dictates a full signature on all project requisitions.”

“Since when has this rule been in effect.”

“I don’t know. Since the beginning of the company I guess.”

“I never heard of such a thing.”

“Well as your boss I’m asking you to comply since I don’t need auditing to come in here and give us some findings simply because your signature is not complete.”

“Is this a legal thing or company nit-picking?”

“No, it is a legal. Here let me quote the rule. All project signatures must be the full legal signature of the requisitioner. So you see you need to use your legal signature.”

“Terrific. No Problem. I changed my name a year ago.”

“Changed it? To what?”

“Ing.”

“Ing?”

“yup. Just Ing.”

“I’ll be darned. Ing?”

“Ing.”

“No more problems then Ing. Use Ing.”

“I was thinking of changing it again.”

“Again?”

“Yup. This time it will be Mighty Ing.”

“You know we may be talking about a firing Mighty Ing.”

“I’ll keep Ing.”

“Smart thing Ing.”

Friday John Ku – AKA TGIF

October 9, 2015October 8, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 30 Comments

Friday is here and with it another week of reading writing and arith— No hold that. The only arithmetic I did this week was when I had to buy new stainless steel screws at the lumber yard. That’s a story for another day.

Well, that’s not fair to dangle that one out there is it? Okay here’s the story. I opened one of our outside doors facing the Gulf and one of the hinge plates came away from the wood. The screws that had been holding the plate in place rusted, and the screw heads simply fell off. When I inspected the rest of the doors I found all of them in a similar condition.

What I had to do was drill out the old screws and put wood back in the holes so the new screws would have something to hang on to. A total of eight doors needed to be fixed. Each door had three hinges and each hinge had eight screws. That’s a total of 8 doors x 3 x 8 = 192 screws. I had to have a Brinks Armored Car employee walk me to my car with the 192 screws made of gold…er stainless steel. The process took a while but now it will be my wife’s next husband who will have to deal with this problem again. Here is a photo of one of the hinges finished. I was too perplexed to take a before shot.

Which finally get’s us to this week’s JohnKu that talks about a stitch in time.

Temporary things,

By nature need nurturing. . .

For maximum use.

Thursday – A Little Personal

October 8, 2015October 7, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 27 Comments

For those who wonder, I have a small update on the progress of my venture into the world of self-publishing. So far, notwithstanding the fact I have no hair, I think things are going well. I have been successful in setting up the print version of His Revenge, and the e-book is also ready to go. The imprint of His Revenge is my new publishing company Keewaydin Lane Books. Also not sure I made the right choice but I have signed up for KDP Select for Ninety days. It really means I have to stay with Kindle for the time being. I can go after the 90 days to the other e-book formats if not satisfied.

The only thing holding up publication is I’m waiting for a copy of the book so I can do a physical check on whether the real thing looks like its digital doppelgänger. It is due to be delivered tomorrow. Once confirmed then it is a ready-set-go situation. Before launch, I will be setting up all the various places to announce the book.

I have planned to launch on November 2nd and so far have a bunch of delightful folks who have volunteered plus some guest blog appearances. There have been more interested in helping, but I haven’t received an e-mail. If I don’t get the e-mail, then I suppose a reblog will work. Thank you all.

Wednesday Story Day – AKA Hump Day

October 7, 2015October 6, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 18 Comments

Wednesday again and time to continue the story. Last week we came to understand that Alexis parents are more concerned with Ben’s intentions than with his desire to blow up a building. We also saw the familiar “dad said it was okay ” way children try to get their way. I don’t know about you, but I find these parents to be a little weird. Let’s go back and join the group.

“Would you like more pizza Mrs. Worthe?”

“No thank you, Ben. My limit is one and I have finished my piece. You go ahead though it doesn’t appear as if you have any limits.”

“Mom you are starting the Victoria nasty again.”

“Alexis. How many times have I asked you not to use my name with strangers.”

“Ben is not a stranger mom.”

“Well, he is not part of the family so we must consider him covered by the stranger rule.”

“Mom let’s just drop it okay?”

“If you have no respect for my feelings okay drop it.”

“Ben and I want to go to the plant and pick up some C4. You think tomorrow is okay?”

“I still want to talk to your father. Blowing up buildings is dangerous, and I’m not sure you two have the skills to do it safely.”

“Mrs. Worthe I can assure you I know what I’m doing. Believe me I would not want to hurt a hair on Alexis’ head.”

“That is easy for you to say, Benjamin. A mother has to be sure.”

“Mom Ben has done some demolitions, and he is excellent.”

“Alexis please do me the courtesy of allowing a discussion with your father. So that I can sleep at night knowing you are safe. If I don’t have the discussion, you can just get your C4 someplace else.”

“You know there is no other place that is safe.”

“Yes I do Alexis. So humor me.”

“Yes, mother.”

Tuesday – Anything Possible Kreative Kue #45 by Keith Channing

October 6, 2015October 12, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 24 Comments

As you may know, I have become enamored by the talent of Keith Channing. He has a weekly prompt named Kreative Kue, which runs on Mondays. Here are the instructions from Keith for the prompt. “Using this photo as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; and either put it (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithkreates@channing.fr before 6pm on Sunday (if you aren’t sure what the time is where I live, this link will tell you). If you post it on your blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated.”

His advice. “Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries, with links to your blog or website, next Monday.” Here is the photo.

“Alright, I’m here now tell me what you did Ray.”

“Nothing. I just squeezed the trigger on this thing.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“Look at the street. There’s nobody around.”

“Whoa, you are right there’s no one here.”

“I just love it when you state the obvious.”

“So why did you call me?”

“To help me figure out how to get the people back.”

“What is that thing anyway?”

“I don’t know. I found it on the sidewalk over there.”

“Why did you pull the trigger?”

“I didn’t know it was a trigger. It looks more like a button to me. See?”

“Yeah, a red button. Don’t you know red buttons mean trouble.”

“Well, I do now for sure.”

“Any other dials or buttons on that thing?”

“Look there’s this green one.”

“There you go. The green one probably puts everything back. Go ahead push it.”

“Okay. I hope you’re right.”

“Man. Did you see that?”

“All the buildings are gone.”

“No kidding. I’m right here with you. Push the green again maybe it’s a cycle thing.”

“There.”

“Nice. The buildings are back.”

“I think I should push the red one again. It looks like red is for people and green for stuff. If I push the red again, I believe the people will come back.”

“Okay, but point that thing towards the buildings.”

“Here I go.”

“Nothing happened Ray. Where the hell are you? Oh, Ray if you can hear me don’t push the red again.”

Ten Things Not to do If You Don’t Normally Shop for Whatever You are Buying

October 5, 2015October 4, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 15 Comments

This list was inspired by having to fill in on a few occasions when it was necessary for me to venture into places where I’ve never been. These examples are not necessarily places where you’ve never been they are just the places where you are not normally found buying things.

Ten Things Not to do If You Don’t Normally Shop for Whatever You are Buying.

10 If you don’t normally buy birthday cakes, do not take it upon yourself to alter the instructions you have been given. If you do, at best those colors that looked so good in the store clash with the birthday party decorations. At worst, that nickname you think is so cute was not to be shared with anyone outside the house and now 25 of your child’s friends have a brand new torture vehicle. (Don’t worry the name will eventually die out in twenty of thirty years.)

9 If you don’t normally buy tires, do not listen to the guy wanting to sell four of the $300 super slick Michelin. If you do, at best, you will now have 60,000 miles of wear guarantee. At worst, your car has about 30,000 more miles in it before it dies. (The tires sure look good as the tow truck pulls it away.)

8 If you don’t normally buy power tools, do not pick up the first thing on sale. If you do, at best the tool might be on sale for a reason. At worst, the money you saved on the tool will be more than offset by the cost of the repair contractor. (You were sure the saw would work long enough to finish the project weren’t you.)

7 If you don’t normally buy toys for Christmas, do not buy anything, not on the list. If you do, At best you may set the record for the most gifts bought for any Christmas. At worst, your preschool kids might be too young for the mini drone and Xbox games they find under the tree. (At least they will have fun with the boxes.)

6 If you don’t normally buy the vacation airline tickets, do not think those add-ons are a bargain. If you do, at best you will find you did not need that extra pillow or rancid can of nuts. At worst, you may find you may have the distinction of paying the most to go the shortest distance.(You must wonder why the airline keeps sending you letters asking when you will book your next trip.)

5 If you don’t normally buy appliances, do not go alone to buy anything in the appliance category. If you do, at best you may have to pay a restocking fee for its return. At worst, you will have something in your house that no one will use. (And it is right in the hallway where you run into it every night.)

4 If you don’t normally buy automobiles alone, do not say yes to that yellow sports convertible. If you do, at best you will be broadcasting a midlife crisis. At worst, you may find it too cramped for comfortable sleeping quarters. (And now the yard starts to look good.)

3 If you don’t normally buy clothing alone, don’t grab that suit simply because you saw it in an ad. If you do, at best the tailor just might be able to adjust some of the youthful features. At worst, you will be obvious in your choice of clothes that will not be age appropriate. (To the delight of co-workers and passers-by.)

2 If you don’t normally buy wine, do not make a selection based on either high or low price. If you do, at best you will pay more for a good wine than necessary. At worst, your low-priced selection might be good for bumper rust removal but not drinking. (Lucky you grabbing a bottle on your way to the boss’s house.)

1 If you don’t normally buy snacks for the football game, do not buy what you think will be good for the people watching football. At best, you will have a lot of untouched snacks. At worst, you may end up watching the game by yourself and your pet rabbit. (Of course it is not logical but that’s football.)

Kindle Scout Tour with Stevie Turner #RRBC

October 4, 2015October 4, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 22 Comments

I NEED YOUR VOTE!!!

This third blog on Stevie’s Kindle Scout tour focuses on Chapter 2 of ‘The Donor’.

Previously a Kindle Scout campaign was only open to authors in the U.S. Now, however, it is open to writers internationally. Stevie Turner took advantage of this and submitted her 53,500-word manuscript ‘The Donor’, which was accepted into the programme. Her campaign runs until October 11th, 2015, so there is still a week left if you would like to cast your vote by clicking on the link below.

https://kindlescout.amazon.com/p/39QH2DL8AQE7R

Also, Stevie is giving away a boatload of prizes to visitors on her tour. Here is the Rafflecopter link http://www.rafflecopter.com/rafl/display/4af5be7f26/

For those unfamiliar with Kindle Scout, the rules are as follows:

Kindle Scout is reader-powered publishing for new, never-before-published books. It’s a place where readers help decide if a book gets published. Selected books will be published by Kindle Press and receive 5-year renewable terms, a $1,500 advance, 50% eBook royalty rate, easy rights reversions and featured Amazon marketing.

Every book has 30 days to earn your nomination. Authors are submitting new books all the time so check back often. When you discover a book that you think is great, nominate it and the book will be added to Your Nominations panel. Keep up to three books nominated at a time, and update your nominations whenever you want.

When a book’s 30-day campaign ends while in Your Nominations panel, your nomination is tallied and removed from your panel – freeing up that nomination for another book. You will receive an email to let you know whether your book has been selected for publication. As a thank you from us and the authors you support, you will receive an early, free copy of all the Kindle Scout books you nominated that are published. Continue to champion the books and authors you helped bring to life by leaving reviews and sharing with friends.

Following on from the previous blog, here is a short synopsis and Chapter 2 of ‘The Donor’, a Women’s Fiction novel.

SYNOPSIS

When you know you have met the love of your life, the last thing you expect is for your sister to lure him away. Clare Ronson is faced with this scenario when her sister Isabel marries singer and guitarist Ross Tyler. To compound Clare’s jealousy and bitterness, Ross hits the big time and becomes a wealthy tax exile, relocating to France with his family. Clare cannot bring herself to speak to Isabel or Ross for the next 30 years. However, when tragedy occurs in 2002 causing Ross to arrive back in England at Clare’s doorstep, Clare must try to put the past behind her for her sister’s sake.

CHAPTER 2

ROSS

As stoned as I am that day in the chaos of Desolation Hill I can see her standing out from the rest, with that ethereal, new-born fawn fragility that always seems to appeal to a man’s protective instinct. I watch her as wounded, she collapses to the ground, oblivious to her surroundings. I want to gather her up in my arms there and then and never let her go.

I have to make sure I’m not treading on anybody’s toes; you know what I mean, don’t you? Has another bloke already laid claim? I look about, but she seems to be on her own. I’m on my way back to Ryde; the festival hasn’t really lived up to my expectations, but when I find Clare I know the whole experience of living in shit for three days has been well worth it.

She isn’t used to weed, that’s obvious. She seems unsullied; shiny as a new pin. I wonder if she’s experienced in the ways of the world so to speak, but for now that will have to wait. I assume the latter, as she looks only about 18 or 19 and is still rather shy. I’ll have to tread carefully in that department; when I’d been that age I’d already put it about quite a bit, but I don’t think it’s the same for girls, although thankfully more of them are on the pill in these enlightened days.

I want to see her again. She sleeps most of the way to Ryde with her head on my shoulder. The driver is a fucking bore; all he talks about is top-dressing his fields with lime before the next wheat crops go in. I want him to shut up so that I can concentrate on holding Clare, but have to pretend to listen. I don’t really give a shit about soil testing, pH levels and screened lime, but I learn all about it anyway and hey, who knows, it might even come in handy one day.

She wakes up as we drive down Argyll Street. She seems a bit embarrassed to have been asleep so long, and sits up apologetically. I give her shoulder a quick squeeze before letting her go.

“We’re nearly at Ryde seafront.”

“Oh God; sorry to have conked out like that.”

She gives me a beautiful smile. Even the old farmer seems taken with her and keeps glancing her way when he really needs to be looking at the road. Me, I am gutted that our journey is coming to an end. I don’t mind if the farmer drives us around and around the Island ad infinitum until we disappear up the van’s exhaust pipe just for the continued chance of holding her close for another few hours.

There is already a huge crowd of festival-goers at the hovercraft terminal when we climb out of the van, so I know there’s going to be a long wait. Clare is yawning and dazed, and slumps down on a nearby seat. I take her ticket, go into the terminal, queue up and book our seats on the 20:45 hovercraft. I am conscious of the fact that the ride back to Southsea only takes 10 minutes, and I know that if I do not look sharp she will soon be slipping through my fingers.

Some bastard is chatting her up when I get back to the seat. I take both of her hands in mine, pull her up, and guide her over to the sea wall where we can sit in relative privacy.

“We’ve got about an hour to wait. I’d buy you a cup of tea, but I don’t have any money.” I laugh.

“That’s okay.” She looks around. “I’m going to find a phone box and make a reverse charge call; I’ll ask my mum to get Dad to pick me up at Southsea. He doesn’t know where I’ve been, but I’ll talk him round.”

“I’ll come with you; there’s toilets along there.” I point towards the other side of the terminal. “There might even be a drinking fountain inside as well.”

The phone box is up near St. Thomas’ Street. She disappears inside and speaks animatedly to person or persons unknown. I stand alone on the pavement suddenly jealous of the family who are waiting for her on the other side, eager to take her back to the fold and away from me. Presently she comes out grinning and is seemingly wide awake.

“Mum said my dad will set off for the Southsea terminal in about half an hour. Do you need to phone anyone?”

“Nah; I can walk home from there.” I shake my head. “I’m okay.”

“It’s no trouble; I’ll get Dad to give you a lift.”

***

I don’t fancy the idea of meeting her father and having him look down on me when he sees the state of the outside of our house. In my experience, Dads, on the whole, do not take kindly to their daughters running around with the likes of me. The long hair puts them off for a start, and when they find out that not only do I sing and play guitar in a rock band, but I also attend Art College, it seems to drive the wedge in a bit further. I suppose they are on the lookout for a future bank manager son-in-law for their little princesses; unfortunately there I come up a bit short. The idea of spending the rest of my days in some back office poring over dusty ledgers appalls me to the point where I know I’d rather be dead than have to live that way.

It will be easy to sidle out of the lift. However, the next item on my agenda might prove to be rather trickier. As we walk back towards the toilets on the seafront, I screw up my courage and take her hand.

“How do you feel about us meeting up again after tonight? We don’t live that far apart. I sing in a band; you could come and watch if you like. We’ve got a gig next Friday at the Wig and Pen.”

There is a few seconds of silence while she digests the information, and then I feel her squeeze my hand:

“If I wake up in time; I think I’m going to sleep for a week.”

Yes! She wants to see me again! I try not to show too much enthusiasm, but actually I am over the moon.

“Great; my older brother Darryl is the drummer; then there’s Chaz, the bassist, and Andy plays lead. I’ll get Darryl to drive his van over and pick you up a couple of hours before. I’ve got a biro in my rucksack; hang on.” I swing the rucksack around to the front and take out a pen. “Write your address on my arm.”

“It’s all hairy.” She giggles.

I turn my arm over and she begins to write on the white underside of my forearm. The gentle fluttering strokes of the pen feel somehow strangely erotic, and it’s all I can do to stop myself ravishing her there and then on the pavement.

“It’ll be a great evening.” Regardless of my hard-on I pull her to me when she has finished writing. “I’m glad I’ve met you.”

“Me too.” She smiles shyly at me.

I kiss her opposite the Tourist Information Centre, and then once again by the sea wall before I disappear into the toilets to relieve both my bladder and also by now my somewhat embarrassing erection.

***

We don’t speak much on the hovercraft. The overall atmosphere is subdued, with glassy-eyed revellers swiftly coming to the conclusion that the festival is over and that the real world will be beckoning them in a few hours’ time. Clare rests her head on my shoulder and holds my hand as we bounce over the waves, waving to her father as we exit the hovercraft a few minutes’ later, who is already waiting for her up on the road. Bastard. It’s time to make myself scarce.

—————————————————————————————–

Stevie lives in the East of England with her husband Sam, and previously worked as a medical secretary. She is now a full-time writer. She can be contacted on the following social media:

Twitter @StevieTurner6

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Stevie-Turner-432183066899400/timeline/

Website: http://www.stevie-turner-author.co.uk/

WordPress blog: https://steviet3.wordpress.com/

Thank you for supporting Stevie’s campaign. Just like the wheels on a car, 4WillsPublishing keeps you moving forward!

https://4willspublishing.wordpress.com/

Cover design by Y Correa at All Authors Graphic Design.

Sunday – Fifty-Two Views of the Gulf

October 4, 2015October 3, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 18 Comments

I managed to get the spot in spite of the low-riding sun. Today’s shot shows there is a little wind and the temperature was in the low 70’s due to a front moving in overnight. We are supposed to have two days where the daytime highs are no more than the low 80s. Then it’s back to the usual high 80’s. The morning glories are there but don’t show up well. Have a great week.

Last week’s photo