with John W. Howell
If you have not had a look at The Tophat Raven Art and Literary Magazine yet, I would suggest you go HERE and check it out. The magazine is on-line and is chock full of poetry, art, stories and photos. It is really something to occupy many moments of pleasurable reading. Oh yes, I should mention one of my stories titled The Card is included and starting on page 20. I was so delighted when informed my story submission was selected and I’m sure you will be delighted in reading issue two as well.
Wednesday is upon us again and time for a story. Please tell me if this Wednesday thing is too routinized cause if it is, I sure don’t want to keep busting my hump (heh heh worked it in) on the day to create something you don’t like. After all this blog is not for me . . . hold on. Wait this blog is for me. What am I saying? I have been reading too much about how to write an interesting blog. I’m starting to get sensitive to what I think y’all would like to see. STUFF THAT. I need to tell a story about a sensitive man in an insensitive world and that’s what I’m going to do. The title is “Hey You” I really do hope you like it.
Hey You by John W Howell © 2014
“Hey you. Where you going?”
“I was just going to get a bite to eat.”
“You can’t leave the room. Your number hasn’t been called.”
“Yeah, but I’m really hungry. I haven’t had a thing to eat all day.”
“Well that is your problem you were told to bring a lunch.”
“Yes I know, but you see my wife is in the hospital and I went to see her this morning and didn’t have time to grab a lunch.”
“Still not my problem chief. Now go sit down before I need to call someone.”
“She’s very sick and I have a couple of kids that need to be cared for as well.”
“Sure we all have kids. I will ask you to sit one more time before I call security.”
“Okay I am sitting. No need to get anyone else in here.”
“So where is your wife?”
“She is in Mercy hospital. She came down with the flu and then it got worse.”
“That’s not good. Where are the kids?”
“We have a sitter who comes in.”
“Well that’s good. At least they are not alone. What is your number anyway?”
“Uh, let me get it. Here it is, number sixty-five.”
“Oh man. They are only on twenty-one. You have quite a wait. Tell you what. You go grab some lunch and promise me you’ll be back in a half hour.”
“Oh sir that is so nice of you.”
“Yeah well, don’t mention it and don’t tell anybody.”
“Okay I will just slip out.”
“Go ahead.”
“Hey where is that guy going?
“He needs to go see a sick wife. What’s it to you?”
“Well I know he is number sixty-five and I am sixty-six. If he doesn’t come back then my number will be up when possibly I wouldn’t have been served today.”
“Yeah so?”
“I know this euthanasia for science research thing is voluntary and the money is good, but I don’t think I am ready to go through with it.”
“Shoulda thought of that before you signed the contract. Now go sit down.”
Here is the 39th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.
Top Ten Things Not to do When Bowling, Golfing, Playing Tennis or Eight Ball with Friends
10. When playing sports with friends, do not laugh at a missed shot. If you do, at best, they may laugh at you in turn. At worst, you may be wearing an imbedded racket, club or bowling ball on your trip to the hospital.
9. When playing sports with friends, do not play doubles with your spouse as a partner. If you do, at best, you will have a small argument about the missed shot. At worst, you might just end up asking your friends for a marriage counselor recommendation before the game is over.
8. When playing sports with friends, do not try to adjust the score to make your team look better. If you do, at best, you will get caught and look foolish. At worst, you may just win as a result of cheating and will need to atone for your indiscretion someday.
7. When playing sports with friends, do not try to avoid paying your fair share of the expenses. If you do, at best, you will be eventually found out and will have to pay anyway. At worst, your friend s will figure out a way to stick you with a bill someday which will require a bank loan to cover.
6. When playing sports with friend, do not purposefully try to outspend them on equipment and clothing. If you do, at best, your play quality will need to match your clothing and equipment price. At worst, your friends will come to some conclusion about your self-esteem which may or may not be accurate.
5. When playing sports with friends, do not drink too much alcohol especially if you are playing mixed doubles. If you become over-served, at best, you may be the cause for the loss of the game. At worst, you may just lose all inhibitions and decide to tell your friends and spouse what you really think of their playing ability, which will make for a quiet ride home and bad morning after.
4. When playing sports with friends, do not come up with the idea to put money on the game. If you do, at best, you will only win a few dollars. At worst, you may lose a few friends.
3. When playing sports with friends, do not set yourself up as the rule cop. If you do, at best, everyone will get tired of your reminders. At worst, you may find yourself gagged and tied up on the twelfth green with a note to the grounds keeper to let you go if you promise not to say anything more about rules.
2. When playing sports with friends, do not be the one who decides which game to play. If you do, at best, you will be blamed if the events turn out badly. At worst, you might be forced into a role of peace keeper since everyone will assume the thing went badly because you suggested it.
1. When playing sports with friends, try to remember the purpose of the game is to have fun. If you don’t, at best, you will be miserable. At worst, all those around you will be miserable as well and may not want to play with you anymore.
Making it to the end of the workweek doesn’t necessarily mean we can totally forget our jobs over the weekend. Imagine if you will (Rod Serling visual here) the prospect of having to re-learn everything you knew last Friday when you return to work on Monday. Also think of the pain of learning how some of your job sucks all over again as well. This week’s Haiku looks at the idea of completely forgetting ones work over the weekend.
Where Am I by John W. Howell© 2014
Out of bed Monday,
Can’t remember what I do . . .
Hope I’m a doctor.
Have a great weekend
Here is the 38th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.
Top Ten Things Not To Do When Choosing To Adopt a Pet
10. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not go to the animal shelter without your significant other to help you make a decision. If you do go without your significant other, at best your significant other will forgive you for bringing home a cat with an ear-piercing howl and buy you both a lifetime supply of earplugs so you can at least sleep through the night. At worst, your significant other may start talking about the need to “see other people, particularly people without cats.”
9. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not assume that just because Newfoundland puppies are cute and a perfect size for cuddling, that they will always be a perfect size for cuddling. At best, you may learn to not mind when you get pushed off the bed when your grown-up, 130-pound Newfoundland stretches out next to you. At worst, you may have to design a harness and pulley system to get your grown-up, 130-pound Newfoundland off your lap.
8. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think just because the ferrets at the pet store were all asleep during your visit the one you picked will spend most of its time sacked out. At best, you won’t mind playing daily games of hide-and-seek as your ferret playmate finds new places to hide in your home. At worst, you may find those new places to hide involve the ferret eating holes in your upholstery causing you to buy a new suite of living room furniture every week.
7. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think that your regular vacuum cleaner will suffice for cleaning up the hair shed by the white Himalayan cat you desire. At best, you will be properly advised, causing you to purchase a top-of-the-line model. At worst, you may have to learn to live with having your brown velour furniture look like it has been blanketed with snow.
6. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think bringing home a python will do much to improve your social life. At best, you and the animal control officer who was called out to your house after your neighbors complained may fall in love and together you will find a proper home for the python. At worst, you may be confronted by a mob of your neighbors after your python repeatedly escapes and the small animals in your neighborhood disappear.
5. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think that cats are more hygienic than dogs. While generally that may be true, at best, you may find your new cat poops outside its litter box only when you provide food it doesn’t like (and thereby quickly training you to give it what it wants when it wants it). At worst, your cat may eventually eschew the litter box altogether causing you to invest heavily in wee-wee pads and kitty diapers and daily meditations of “Fluffy is a good kitty. Fluffy is a good kitty.”
4. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not assume that little Fido’s incessant yipping is something he will simply outgrow. At best, you may wind up deciding at least you no longer need a security system for your home since Fido emits a series of high-pitched yips at every movement behind your door or window. At worst, you may invest in a series of expensive sessions to train Fido not to yip only to learn that Fido is as Fido does—YIP!
3. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not assume simply training your German Shepherd Gunther to obey commands gets you a pass at keeping your dog on a lease in public places. At best, joggers will quickly learn to stop running when they see Gunther so he will not chase them as you call in vain for Gunther to “Heel!” At worst, the next jogger whose crotch Gunther sticks his nose into will be an employee of the police force who will be more than happy to write-up a series of citations against you and to confiscate Gunther for conscription into the police dog unit.
2. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not assume fish would be a good choice if you live in an apartment where pets are not allowed. At best, your landlord never visits your apartment and you manage to keep your relationship with George, your oscar cichlid, a secret. At worst, your landlord may catch you in the elevator with the new aquarium for George which you had to buy because he doubled in size, and your landlord doesn’t buy the story that you plan to use the aquarium for a sitz bath.
1. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think you will be able to stop at just one. At best, you may learn to accept the fact that animals will gravitate toward a warm heart and a safe home, meaning you and yours. At worst, you will find yourself having to make accommodations for your pets in your will since as you get older, your willingness to rescue abandoned animals has grown greater.
Thanks be to our lucky stars; we made it. Only eight more hours before we can break the binds that tie us to our money machine and run headlong into the ethereal bliss that is the weekend. We can be free, to be, who we want to be. (Whoa wait a minute. This is getting out of hand and sounds like a Coke or US Army commercial)
It is always good to hit the last day of the week and know we have fought the good fight and have given it our best shot. We need to take a minute and reward ourselves if for nothing else than actually making it through the week.
Here is the Haiku celebrating our fortitude during the work week.
Guts by John W. Howell ©2014
All week we stood tall,
Crouching in the perfect spot . . .
To avoid arrows.
Have a great weekend
Here is a podcast done by Adam Scull of Eat, Sleep, Write. His questions are very good and explores the writer’s mind in a way in which we can all identify. Please give it a visit and you can also send comments to Adam at Adam@EatSleepWrite.net. If you would like to do a podcast you can give Adam a pitch at http://eatsleepwrite.net/submissions
Another Wednesday. As a celebration of Wednesday there is a story to be told each week. In case you wondered, all the stories are written for this post and are original. I continually wonder if these stories are what you want to read. I have been reading up on what makes a good blog and have to admit some of the advice seems to make sense. Well . . . it seems to make sense for those bloggers who follow the advice. For instance; the advice says the blog can be really long and if enough good content is there, people will read it. This does make sense, since there are a number of really good blogs out there where the writer has over 4000 words and about as many followers. I try to keep mine to less than 400 words and up until recently I could say I had about that many followers. Maybe there is some relationship between number of words and followers. I sure hope not. I have this belief people are way too busy to read every blog they follow anyway and to have to read several at 4000 words it doesn’t take much time to get to 80,000 words. This would be like reading a book a day. So unless y’all have any objections I’ll go against the advice and keep it short. Which brings up the story for today:
The Follower by John W. Howell ©2014
“You asked for comments and here is mine. I really like your blog. You seem to understand the subject and it is presented in a very interesting way. I am following you.”
Your comment is in moderation
“Dear Frank. Thank you for following my blog. I had a chance to go and visit yours and am following you as well.”
Your comment is in moderation
“Thank you George for the follow. I hope you like my blog as much as I like yours. In case you want to read my book here is a link.” http://amazon.com/mybook/frankthejerk
“Yeah thanks for the link. I guess you never thought about certain rules regarding hijacking a comment section of a blog with personal promotion.”
“Gee. I did not mean to get you in a wad. I really thought you would like my book.” 🙂
“I’m not in a wad, but I have spent a lot of time on preparing this post and hate to see it ripped off with a book promotion.” 😦
“Well I really didn’t mean to rip off your blog with one little comment. I guess you are really sensitive.” 😉
“I don’t think sensitive covers it. This is not appropriate behavior.”
“Who made up the rules. You?”
“No. I just write this blog.”
“Figures.”
“What does that mean?”
“I‘ve noticed certain bloggers invite comments, but when they come in they have a problem with them” 😦
“I don’t think that is the point.”
“So what is the point?”
“You have used my blog to promote your book. If I promoted your book on my blog it would be a different matter. You did not even ask.”
“Oh I understand. Okay let me ask; will you promote my book on your blog?”
Your comment is in moderation
Here is the 37th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.
Top Ten Things Not to do on Saint Patrick’s Day
10. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not dye any of your body hair green. If you do, at best, you will get strange looks and a possible reprimand from your boss. At worst, you will have to live with the color until the hair grows out or your divorce is final, whichever comes first.
9. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not try to wish everyone a happy day with a made up Irish brogue. If you do, at best, you might offend a genuine Irish person. At worst, the genuine Irish person offended might just be the local police officer.
8. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not believe you need to bring your homemade corned beef and cabbage to the office to share. If you do, at best, you might have coworkers avoiding your cube since the smell of cabbage might lead them to believe it is something else. At worst, the hazmat team from office services will have foamed down your work area before you have a chance to explain.
7. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not think Guinness stout drinks just like any other beer when you go out to celebrate with your coworkers. If you do, at best, you might have to find a ride home. At worst, you might have to rehearse your apology for the coworkers and your boss in an effort to salvage your job.
6. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not sing your favorite limericks no matter how innocent you believe them to be. If you do, at best, you will start a round of Limericks that aren’t so innocent. At worst, the local authorities will be called in to calm the disturbance reported by those within earshot of what can best be described as X-rated songs.
5. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not follow the suggestion of a coworker to play a Leprechaun at the cake and coffee gathering. If you do, at best, you will be the laughing-stock till next year. At worst, you will be asked by your boss to play the leprechaun at the family St. Patrick’s Day picnic and there is still snow on the ground.
4. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not wish everyone Erin Go Bragh unless you know what it means. If you don’t know what it means and you say it to the wrong person, at best, you may get some weird looks. At worst, you may find your self embroiled in a political battle with someone with a different view.
3. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not think Bushnell’s in coffee is no more harmful than sugar. If you do, at best, you may find yourself slurring your words when you say Erin Go Bragh. At worst, you may find yourself totally wide awake and unable to find your way home.
2. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not put any kind of green-colored hat on your head. If you do, at best, you will look ridiculous. At worst, there will be several photos snapped that you will pay large sums to have deleted.
1. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not drink anything green. If you do, at best, you will have the lips of a lizard. At worst, you will need to schedule a dentist appointment to have your teeth restored to their original color unless you plan to attend a vampire convention.
Many of you know Jim O’Sullivan as the curator of some of the funniest posts on the planet. His Gingerfightback blog has some curious inhabitants and some serious writing as well. On any given day you may get love advice from Oily George, A review of the arts by Terry Cotter the Potter, musings about life by Bob on the Pot, and life style advice from Auntie Bill. In addition, there are enough sausages to be placed on celebrities heads to satisfy any urge. All this is put together with an eye toward those lucky few who were born with ginger hair.
On the serious side of his blog Jim tells a great story and will from time to time allow us entrance into his talented venue of fiction. His Train Travels Series is not to be missed. He also shows his poetry side and his intolerance for bullying. The Gingerfightback site is well worth a visit if you never have been and well worth returning if you have.
Jim wrote a nice review about My GRL and posted it to Amazon. Jim said:
“Normally I am not a fan of this genre. But the plot of My GRL and the quality of writing soon put paid to my prejudices and took me on an imaginative and inventive roller coaster ride of an espionage thriller. The pacey narrative, well drawn characters and a plot which sadly these days would appear to be less than fanciful, add up to a book the reader can immerse themselves in. The twists were clever, never forced and added to the depth and suspense John generates. The wry humour percolating through the book provided additional textures and characterisation which sets the book apart from others in this genre and is I hope one of the reasons we will see a sequel in the not too distant future Well worth reading.”
That humour ( I kept the Crown version) line I loved since Jim is a person who can make you laugh out loud so he sets a pretty high bar.
Thank you Jim.
