Tag: author

Liar Is as Liar Does – The Results

~ John W. Howell ~ 17 Comments

Here is the final set of results for the five truths and a lie. If you missed the original you can click http://wp.me/p2Qoij-TH.

For the first set of results you can click http://wp.me/p2Qoij-TR

Makes me feel a little guilty that only four of the responses were correct. So here are the final results and the those who guessed correctly. Again I apologize for not having a Ferrari to give as a prize. Maybe next time.

Story Number Four   I went off to college and believed I would make a good veterinarian. I loved animals and could not imagine a more worthy career. The first term in vet school found me up late at night babysitting a very sick goat. The goat needed surgery and the vet finished the task.  My job was to walk the goat around so the anesthesia could be naturally dispersed. If the goat lay down it could ultimately suffer from a bloated condition that could be fatal. I walked the goat for more than eight hours and did some serious thinking. That night alone with the goat made me realize I was not really prepared to deal with life and death decisions over these gentle creatures. The goat did survive, but I decided to make a change. I changed majors at the end of the term. The story is FALSE.

I initially enrolled in the Landscape Architecture school. Spent the term struggling since I found I had no talent. It was the kind of thing you either have it or you don’t. I didn’t. I also ran for class office and won. This spelled the end of my career in Landscape Architecture and the beginning of a long association with the liberal arts.

Story Number Five   When I was getting ready to graduate from the university I began the process of interviewing for a job. A number of companies interviewed right at the school and so I signed up for about thirty or so. I was talking to a company which manufactured office furniture. All was going well until I complimented the person on the quality of their clocks. As can happen doing a number of interviews I had the wrong company. Their names were the same, but one did clocks and one did furniture. The furniture guy was not pleased to talk intelligently only to discover the person he thought would be right for the job was an idiot. The story is TRUE (unfortunately)

If there was ever an award for the most inept interviewer I would have won hands down. The guy looked at me and shook his head and advised me to do better research. The sad point was; I had researched the hell out of clocks. I think I could have built one out whatever material was at hand.

Story Number Six   I graduated from college and went to work for a famous consumer products company. (Yes I survived the interview process) My job was to introduce new products and maintain share of established brands in my assigned territory. I would visit grocery stores, drug stores, and mass merchants to represent the company brands. I worked diligently and was recruited away by another company. The presentation that caused the recruiter to believe I was right for the new company involved swallowing Tic Tacs telling the buyer before “if you don’t say yes to this order I have some cyanide I will need to take since my boss will kill me anyway.” It only worked from a humor point of view. The story is TRUE

I was unaware there was anyone observing my presentation. The door to the buying office was open and one of the salesmen sitting in the anteroom overheard the conversation.  He caught me on the way out and suggested I give his boss a call. He thought I would fit in with his company. The rest is history since I took the new job and stayed for over twenty years. He was right, it was a perfect fit.

Thank you all. Here are the links to those who guessed correctly. Go see what makes them so clairvoyant.

Beth Drew

Charles Yallowitz

Bastet

gingerfightback

Top Ten No Nos Is as Top Ten No Nos Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 29 Comments

Here is the 22nd installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

dogdriving

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Traveling with Dogs

10.  If you are traveling with your dog by car, refrain from putting your pet in a pet taxi on the roof because there’s no room inside.  At best, it will be a short trip once you realize that the laws of motion sickness dictate a downward flow  over your windshield.  At worst, given your heartless demeanor your family may decide to strap you to the car’s roof on the way home.

9.  If you are traveling with your dog by car, avoid letting your dog drive, no matter how tired you may be and how good a driver you think he is.  At best, your dog will insist on making frequent stops at every fire hydrant he sees. At worst, your dog will confuse the stop and go lights at intersections since they can’t distinguish between red and green, and you will wind up having to explain to your insurance company and the police how your unlicensed operator dog wound up in your driver’s seat with the keys in its paw.

8.  If you are traveling with your dog by car, do not put your dog in the front passenger’s seat wearing sunglasses and clothes just so you can use the carpool lane.  It doesn’t matter how much your dog might look like your spouse.  Chances are you’ll be pulled over by a traffic cop who will then take a photo of your dog, put it up on Facebook tagged with your spouse’s name (which you were stupid enough to give), and you’ll have divorce papers or worse waiting for you when you get home.

7.  If you are traveling with your dog and planning to stay at hotels, be sure the hotel will accommodate pets.  A barking dog is bad enough in a pet-friendly hotel; but in a non-pet-friendly hotel, at best, you’ll be charged double for disturbing your neighbors.  At worst, you and your dog may have to take shelter at a shelter.

6.  If you are traveling with your dog and staying at a pet-friendly hotel, do not think that just because the hotel is pet friendly, everyone else is.  At best, some guests may just asked to be removed from your immediate vicinity due to the incessant (but to your ears, endearing) yapping of your young pug.  At worst, you and your dog may wind up like #7, taking shelter in a shelter.

5.  If you are traveling with your dog by plane, don’t think that just because you taught Hugo, your Great Dane, how to roll up into a ball, you can claim him as carry-on baggage.  At best, Hugo won’t fit under the seat and you’ll have his head in your lap for the whole flight.  At worst, the airport won’t be deceived by your efforts and will have the TSA examine you for other hidden dogs.

4.  If you are traveling with your dog by plane and your dog actually does fit into a soft carry-on bag, do not assume that the flight attendant will appreciate your frequent requests for water, doggie biscuits (because the ones you had on you were confiscated by TSA), or wee-wee pads.  At best, the flight attendant might simply douse you with water and suggest that your dog lick it off you.  At worst, the attendant will be so smitten with your Pomeranian and its pink bow, she  will offer to take her to the galley to feed her and that will be the last you see of either the attendant or your dog.

3.  If you are traveling with your dog by train, do not think that all the other passengers will find it entertaining if you let your dog run up and down the length of the train car for exercise.  At best, your dog might get tired from all the running and you won’t be able to coax him off the train when you reach your destination. At worst, you might find both of you dumped off at the next station, hundreds of miles from your destination as the Siberian winter sets in.

2.  If you want to take a cruise with your dog, do not try to pass your dog off as a service animal in order to sidestep the cruise line’s no pet policy.  While your dog might do quite well at acting the part of a service animal, chances are you will forget which disability you chose.  At best, cruise line staff might start following you around, suspicious that at one moment you claim to be deaf and the next you’re singing along to music from your iPod.  At worst, you might find yourself set in a dinghy tethered to the stern of the ship, while your dog gets to stay on board and play with the cruise line staff for the rest of the trip.

1.  If you are traveling with your dog on a pet-friendly cruise line, take precautions to make sure the cruise line stays pet-friendly.  For example, do not allow your dog to jump into the pool with the other passengers just because your dog loves to swim.  At best, you’ll be made to clean the pool by yourself.  At worst, you may find yourself taking a swim that is a bit longer than across   the pool.

 

Friday Catcher is as Friday Catcher Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 14 Comments

dream catcherFriday at last. Last week I published a story about the Friday Catcher. You can read it here: wp.me/p2Qoij-RX

A few comments lead me to come back to the story since none of us could figure out where time goes. Last Friday’s story had a character’s wife calling on Wednesday to find out where her husband was since he had disappeared. The supplier of the Friday Catcher (allows the user to wake up the next day and it is Friday) has no idea where the husband went. He quoted the old “where does the time go?” to try to explain. He told the wife he will be back Friday. The wife left the line.

Today’s story is from the POV of the user of the Friday Catcher. The idea is to explain where he went from the time he went to sleep Tuesday night to Friday.

Friday Catcher part two by John w. Howell ©2013

“Excuse me sir.”

“Yes son.”

“Can you tell me where we are? It looks like my town, but there is no one here.”

“Yeah it’s probably your town all right.”

“Where is everyone?”

“You used the Friday Catcher right?”

“Y-Yes I did. It sure didn’t work though. I was supposed to get up and it would be Friday morning.”

“Yeah that sounds like the way it was supposed to work.”

“So what’s the deal?”

“My name is Richard, What’s yours?”

“Robert, Go by Bobby though.”

“You from the south?”

“Yeah. How did you know?”

“Everyone adds a y to their name there.”

“Never thought about it before, but seems right to me. Where you from?”

“California.”

“California? What you doing in Texas?”

“I have been asking myself since nineteen ninety-four. I was in New York when someone hung that Friday Catcher above my bed.”

“Ninety four? Who hung the Friday Catcher?”

“One of the nurses.”

“Wait a minute. You were sick.”

“Boy you can say that again. Your president was a sick as hell. I must add I am not a crook.”

“My president? I could not place your face until now. Are you telling me you are Richard Nixon?”

“I prefer Richard Milhous Nixon.”

“Oh man. I am in real trouble.”

“Been there. Got the shirt.”

 

Have a great weekend y’all

 

Thanksgiving Eve is as Thanksgiving Eve Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 25 Comments

Thanksgiving

Wednesday seems to come quicker every week. I guess that is a good thing considering it is the first time in the week we think about being able to make the weekend. This week is kind of special in it is Thanksgiving Eve. I’m not sure anyone really thinks of a particular day in this manner. Hey, it is better than just letting the day before Thanksgiving go by without notice. In honor of Thanksgiving Eve I’m going to tell a little story on Fiction Favorites about “The Night before Thanksgiving.” Before I start, I need to set the mood. Ready? Okay here goes; a nice fire is in the fireplace, cats, dogs, kids and family gathered around.  Cranberry scone and a mug of hot pumpkin spice toddy (give me some slack, this is fiction) is in your hand. The CD player is set up with one-hundred of your favorite Thanksgiving songs and the soft Thanksgiving lights are twinkling on the Thanksgiving tree. I think we are there. Here is the story:

 

The night before Thanksgiving,

 

All around the place.

 

The family has gathered,

 

In every inch of space.

 

The turkey is soaking,

 

To thaw in water base.

 

The drinks, food are bought,

 

Stored, guarded by mace.

 

Teenagers seem quiet,

 

New games of face?

 

Mother-in–law has advice,

 

Need a fly to chase.

 

Dad in the cups,

 

Never liked that vase.

 

Sis is complaining,

 

Husband left, no trace.

 

Still it’s good,

 

Thanksgiving embrace.

 

Happy Thanksgiving y’all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Top Ten No No’s is as Top Ten No Nos Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 22 Comments

Here is the 21st installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy

turkey-eat-ham

Top Ten Things Not to do with Your Thanksgiving Turkey

10.  If you get a live bird for Thanksgiving, do not let your kids dress it up as a pilgrim. At best the bird might actually look good. At worst you’ll probably be having carry out for dinner after the kids discover what is going to happen to their new best friend

9.  If you decide to get a live bird for Thanksgiving, do not listen when it starts singing “gimmie three steps . . . gimmie three steps mister. . . Gimme three steps toward the door.” Chances are that your kids are playing Lynard Skynard too loud and you’ve already had too many celebratory drinks.

8. If you decide to get a live bird for Thanksgiving, do not watch the “Presidential Pardon” ceremony on TV with your kids. You will likely end up with the same problem as item #10.
7.  If you decide to go hunting for your Thanksgiving turkey, be aware the turkey population has ways of fooling you into shooting a cow or your hunting partner.  The turkey won’t care who gets hurts as long as it’s not a turkey.

6.  If you plan on deep-frying your Thanksgiving turkey, do not drop a cold icy bird into a giant vat of hot peanut oil. At best you will have an overflow of hot liquid that will take a lot of elbow grease to clean up. At worst you may burn down your house.

5.  If your turkey is still frozen on Thanksgiving, do not invent a game where the turkey is used as a bowling ball with empty beer bottles as pins. It may sound fun after you’ve had all those before dinner drinks, but the clean-up of thawed bird and broken glass will be hell.

4.  If you plan to serve fresh turkey on Thanksgiving, do not let the bird sit out as you would a frozen one. At best you’ll wind up with a precooked bird; at worst, you will all wind up seeing the friendly ER doctor in the early morning hours.

3.  If you plan to serve tofu turkey for Thanksgiving, do not try to dress it up to look like an actual turkey. Your guests won’t be fooled and might actually wonder if you have lost your mind.

2.  If you find that your turkey is too big for the refrigerator, do not put it out in the cold garage on the hood of the car. At best your cat may help itself and you’ll have shredded turkey for dinner.  At worst you may forget the turkey is there until you’re making that frantic dash to the store for eggnog at which point you slam on the brakes, your turkey rolls off the hood and into the street, and then is run over by a Hummer.

1.  If you have leftover turkey for Thanksgiving, do not try to disguise it in other forms. You are not on “Chopped” and good ole turkey is best served as itself.

 

Friday Catcher Is as Friday Catcher Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 24 Comments

Friday is here. This is a very good thing. I decided in celebration of Friday I would write a very short story about the day. It is in the dialog set that I have been working with lately, so here goes. I hope you like it.

dream catcher

Friday by John W. Howell ©2013

“So what is that thing you got there?”

“It is a Friday catcher.”

“A what?”

“Friday catcher. You heard of a dream catcher right?”

“Well yeah, but never a Friday catcher. How’s it work”

“You put this thing above your bed the night before you want Friday to arrive and then go to sleep.”

“What happens?”

“You wake up and it’s Friday morning.”

“Like the next day?”

“Yeah. Like the next day. Duh.”

“I want to try it.”

“Okay, but make sure you are ready for whatever Friday brings.”

“Waddaya mean?”

“Let’s say it’s Monday night and you want the next day to be Friday. Let’s also say you have a project due on Friday. You just have to make sure you do the project before you use the Friday catcher.”

“Oh I get it. Give it to me I want to use it tonight. I can’t stand Wednesday’s and would like to wake up tomorrow on Friday.”

“Call me when you get up.”

“Will do. See ya.”

***

“Hello this is Helen Baxter. Is this Frank?”

“Uh yes this is Frank.”

“My husband was talking some wild stuff about a Friday thingy that you gave him.”

“Yes I gave him a Friday catcher. What’s the problem?”

“He’s gone.”

“Gone. What do you mean gone?”

“ He went to sleep last night with that thing hanging on the headboard and when I got up he’s missing and so’s the thing.”

“Oh yeah. . . He’ll be back Friday.”

“Friday? Do you know where he went?”

“Not really, but since this is Wednesday and he wanted to wake up on Friday, I assume he is sleeping somewhere.”

“What the hell do you mean somewhere?”

“Where ever the time goes between Wednesday and Friday that’s where he is. Haven’t you ever heard the expression ‘I don’t know where the time goes?’ Well I sure don’t know either. Where ever it is, your husband is there. Is it clear? Hello Mrs. Baxter. You still there? Hello.”

Publishing Next Step is as Publishing Next Step Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 42 Comments

Wednesday is a good day. I am working to mail off the Galley pages for my novel My GRL to the publisher. I got them last Thursday with a request to get them back by today. As for most requests made of me by the publisher, I need to make the deadline. I still don’t have a release date as yet. The next step should be cover design and I think then we will be ready to go.

I don’t know about you, but when I opened the galley file and came upon the title page I almost lost it. I can hardly believe that after first thinking of the story many moons ago it is almost time to see that story in print. I know you vets are really used to this kind of thing, but as a newbie I can’t tell you how thrilled I am to be near the point of publication. Once published the real work will begin, but I am ready for that next step.

Here is a screen shot of the title page. It is no coincidence that a star burst appears near the Martin Sisters Publishing name. They are divine.

005

I started the book in April of 2012 and finished the first draft in August of that year. After a bunch of edits, I finally got the courage to start the query process. I began with agent queries and picked up a suitcase full of rejections. While I was trying to attract an agent, it came to me to try a different tactic. I subscribe to Writer’s Market so I punched in a search with the parameters set at publishers who accept un-agented work and are not vanity presses. http://www.martinsisterspublishing.com contacted me after I sent them a query and wanted to execute a contract. You can imagine how long I pondered the prospect. I signed the day it came in and have never looked back.

So now I wait for whatever is next and am still editing my second novel. It is sequel to the first and a story of the character John J. Cannon attempting to survive threats against his life and the security of the US. The second has more bullets and mayhem and prepares us all for the third book in the series.

Well enough of me and my book I hope y’all have an easy hump day.

Top Ten No Nos Is as Top Ten No Nos Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 21 Comments

Here is the 20th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. This list has been prepared for all you campers who will be taking advantage of the Thanksgiving weekend. We hope you enjoy.
tent
Top Ten Things Not to do When Camping at a Primitive Campsite

10.  If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not forget to pack a sufficient amount of toilet paper for your stay.  Yes, the added bulk and weight of the paper may seem burdensome in your backpack, but you will appreciate the luxury soon after you’ve eaten too much of the wrong kind of berries.

9.  If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not store your food in your tent thinking it will be more protected from the elements there.  If you do, you will likely be rudely surprised in the middle of the night by, at worst, a bear that will find your leg more delicious than your beef jerky, or, at best, a coterie of raccoons who will steal your pistachio nuts and proceed to eat them loudly in the surrounding bushes.

8.  If you camp at a primitive campsite and want to explore some of the nearby hiking trails, do not forget to bring a topographical map of the area in which you are camping.  At best Google Maps may not be up-to-date on the hiking trails around your campsite and you may wind up walking in circles while your iPhone quickly burns its battery. At worst the Google map didn’t give you a warning about the five hundred foot drop you encountered on the way to the trail below.

7.  If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not forget to bring plenty of waterproof Band-Aids for blisters.  No matter how many layers of socks you wear and how well-broken in your boots may be, you are likely to suffer at least one blister.  Without aid, at best you can expect to spend the rest of your camping trip hopping around in burning pain. At worst you will find yourself trying to apologize to your hiking partner for having to carry you the last five miles.

6.  If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not forget to bring a water filtration system in case you run out of potable water.  The water in the creek near your campsite may look clean and pure, but without a filtration system, at best you may end up wishing you had brought more toilet paper. At worst you might get a close up view of the local ER.

5.  If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not carry a gun thinking it will be sure protection against any wild animals that you may encounter.  For one thing, you are in their territory and if it isn’t hunting season, you have no right to be toting a lethal weapon.  For another, if you are afraid of wild animals, then you risk shooting your own foot when you awake to a leg cramp in the middle of the night and think it is a bear gnawing at your calf.

4.  If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not forget insect repellant.  Be prepared to apply repellant every hour unless you don’t mind being a blood donor for all species of biting insects.

3.  If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not think this is the best time to break in those new Keen Ketchum hiking boots you bought for $160.  Chances are your feet will wind up in worse condition than is suggested in item #7, and you will be driven so crazy by the painful blisters that you will throw your new hiking boots and maybe yourself off the nearest cliff.

2.  If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not try to make like Grizzly Adams and befriend any orphaned bear cub or other wildlife you come across.  Chances are the bear cub is not orphaned, its mama is in smelling distance of you, and you’ll soon find yourself having to explain to a very impatient mama bear why you have her precious cub in your hands.

1.  If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not leave your trash behind.  Take out what you pack in.  Otherwise, you might find yourself in a Far Side cartoon where the deer and the bear join forces to wipe every trace of you from their habitat.

The Best Workday Is as The Best Workday Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 20 Comments

cacfriday5

Friday is the day we have been waiting for. We started out the week on Monday and made some personal notes to self that we would never ever party like a rock star again. Look at us today. We are working our duff off so we can go out tonight for another meeting of the Bacchus Brothers Social Club. WHAT IS WRONG WITH US ANYWAY?  Did we not learn a valuable lesson last week? Did we not make it home in one piece? Did we not swear to the ceramic deity that we would never cast major dispersion onto the still waters again? Yet here we are looking anxiously forward to another Friday night and weekend. I think insanity has been described as repeating the same action expecting a different outcome. Okay so here is a question:

How many think that the number of drinks we had last week will not produce the same effect as before is we do it again this week? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? *Crickets*

I thought not. Of course the answer is, the same number of drinks in the same amount of time will produce the same results. You know  the results:

  • Speaking into the ceramic microphone.
  • Calling train arrivals such as, “Poughkeepsie,” and “Pittsburg.”
  • Walking around with a headache so big you wish for bolt of lightning to take you out.
  • Hands shaking so bad people think you’ve got at least three of each.

Well, since we never learn, here is a little Haiku to help you through the weekend.

Get Up By John W. Howell ©2013

Find the light today,

Yesterday is not too clear. . .

Tomorrow is life.

Have a great weekend.