Top Ten No No’s is as Top Ten No No’s Does

October 28, 2013October 26, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 22 Comments

Here is the Seventeenth installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy. This list is in recognition of Halloween which will be celebrated this week.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Halloween

10. If you decide to dress up for Halloween, do not take this opportunity to show the world parts of your body that should be kept completely private. At best the parts that are visible will only lead the viewer to believe you are older, more out of shape, or hairier than you really are. At worst you end up trying to explain to a judge why you don’t need psychological care.

9. If you decide to take your kids trick or treating, try to refrain from going through the treat bag for the sole purpose of pulling out all the full size Twix and Snickers bars. Oh sure, you can pretend to inspect the candy for safety, just don’t get caught with that Hershey bar in your back pocket.

8. While trick or treating with the kids, try to refrain from making comments about the treats being handed out. When you least expect it, the spouse of the person handing out the treats will be behind you trick or treating at their own house. At best you may not know they are there. At worst you’ll find yourself groveling in front of your own children.

7. While handing out treats at your own house, refrain from asking the bigger kids about how old they are. It could be one of them is a parent accompanying a child or, worse, a disturbed teen just looking for an excuse to let the air out of your tires.

6. If you are invited to a Halloween party and the invitation clearly says “please come in costume,” refrain from ignoring that part of the invitation. Showing up and explaining that you are dressed for work won’t go over well with the hosts. Of course, the only exception to this would be if you are unemployed.

5. When dressing up for Halloween, refrain from wearing a costume that could interfere with the triage process at an emergency room. You never know what may happen but you certainly want the emergency room personnel to believe you are human and not a piece of food.

4. If you should run out of treats on Halloween, do not try to pass off leftovers, boxes of cereal, or fruit of any kind as your offering for trick or treat. If you try, at best you will look like a cheapskate. At worst you may need a power washer to get all the soap off your windows,

3. If you decide to set up an elaborate scheme to haunt little kiddies as they come to your house to trick or treat, try to understand that a child’s digestive system will take only so much surprise. After this amount is exceeded, the natural tendency is for the body to lighten its load to prepare for the flight response. Just dropping bags of candy will probably not be the sole items of evacuation.

2. When you decide to carve your pumpkin for Halloween, refrain from carving words that you would not be proud to carry into next Sunday’s church service. Although it is pretty fun to invent new things to say on a pumpkin carving, little minds may have way too many questions for their parents about what you have written and the parents may come to you for answers.

1. When helping the children trick or treat, refrain from drinking every drink that is offered to you by friendly neighbors. Time does get away from us while having fun and more than an ounce of alcohol per hour tends to impair certain judgment factors such as: when to go home and where to sleep. At best you may spend time stumbling around. At worst you may forget where you live and have to ask your kids for directions

Tropical is as Tropical Does

October 25, 2013October 22, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 30 Comments

It is Friday and it has been a lovely week. Here in South Texas we got a whole bunch of rain. This means that the water restrictions, as a result of the drought, will be lifted soon. A cold (relatively) front moved in on Tuesday so the night-time lows are in the sixties for the next few days. This means we can open some windows and allow the air conditioner to have a few nights off. We’ll be back to the higher degrees, but for now it is great. The cold front also signals the end of the hurricane season so we can put the survival gear back in the closet and enjoy the rain and wind without worrying about the surge and damage that hurricanes bring.

You know you live in a tropical climate when you become pretty nonchalant about storms with names. The only time it gets dicey is when the barometric pressure starts dropping toward the nine-hundreds. Oh yes we have a barometer that we read and understand. I never thought I would ever be able to understand the barometric pressure situation. There are other things about living in a tropical climate that I never thought about. Here are some:

Never thought I would understand the difference between a cockroach and Palmetto bug. (hint: there is none, nicer name is all)
Never thought I would need a dermatologist on call. (Knows me by name)
Never thought I would stop wearing socks. (and underwear)
Never thought I would be concerned about gophers and spiders the size of gophers. (Both carry weapons)
Never thought I would be concerned about door hinges rusting off from the salty spray. (No slamming of doors around here)
Never thought I would have to have the house repainted every three years. (salty spray again)
Never thought I would be concerned when a gang of ants decide they want the patio furniture. (I just give it to ‘em now)
Never thought I would be glad for a cloudy day. (Few and far between)
Never thought I would be super happy to have spent the money for a parts and labor extended warrantee on the air conditioning system. (Full ten-year and the system has been replaced twice)

There are more, but it is time to wish you all a happy weekend

Reader is as Reader Does

October 23, 2013October 19, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 14 Comments

Engraving of a Reader (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Readers are fundamental to what we do. Without them there would be little reason to spend the long hours propped up to a key board pounding out the words that make a story. It is the words that make a story not the brainstorm that created the concept. So with that in mind I have a question. Do you take care of your readers? I don’t mean do you house and feed them, I am really asking if you actually write for your readers? In writing for your readers do you do everything possible to make certain they are okay as they read what you have written?

You can’t query your readers as they move through your book (unlike the old high school smart assed trick on a long report, “if you have read this far check the box.”) so you must think ahead about pleasing them. How do we do that? (BTW Thanks for asking) Here are five simple things to think about and try as you are writing:

Think about your reader as a real person sitting in the room with you and you are reading your story to them. This will allow you to have personal contact with the reader and if you are a good writer you will be able to detect questions that your reader might have about what you have written.
Don’t leave your reader in the dark about some key points of plot that will help them come to some resolution about what you intended in the story. Nothing is more discouraging for a reader than to have invested their time in a story only to wonder what happened in the end. This can be as simple as a question about the rationale for character actions or as complex as a plot twist that comes out of left field with no preparation.
Think of some of the habits of your reader. If you are writing in a particular genre and that genre has some fast rules, your reader will not expect deviations from those rules. You as an artist may want to deviate from these rules to demonstrate your multi-dimensional talent, but your reader may be left in the dust of the experiment. If there is a question about artistic freedom and genre conventions you should side with the reader. There are a number of break out genres that the reader expects rebelliousness. This would be the more proper place for your grand statement.
Try to understand the demographics of your reader. In this way you can keep your story true to form. Age, sex, income and education all make up who your readers are in life. If your readers are highly educated and more affluent then you can use more sophisticated sentence and plot structures. If your reader is more like the population norm then the writing style should be geared to be most understood by the largest number. You may have the desire to use your story as an educational tool or literary statement, but if your readership cannot understand what you have written, you may lose the interest of a wide segment of readers doing so.
Think about how your readers live and what they want to think about when reading your story. Doing this will allow you to create some amazing scenes that may actually carry your reader away from the mundane and into the special world you have created. In this special world, all the worries and concerns of your reader’s everyday life can be washed away for the time spent reading. If you are able to build a story that transforms the reader even for a few hours you will have won the reader over to a loyalty factor that will last a lifetime.

I hope you find these tips useful. Let me know what you think.

Community Story Board Prompt – Frost is and Does

October 22, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 6 Comments

Here is my interpretation of the Prompt ‘Frost” created by Susan Nichols for the Community Story Board

I watched this old guy struggle with the heavy outer door and finally make it into the bank. He crossed the marble foyer and looked like he was going to end up at my cage. I could see he was dressed in some baggy pants, a checkered shirt, and was wearing a hounds tooth fabric hat like the ones I’ve seen on old guys driving a Mercury Marquis in the fast lane at about thirty miles an hour. He was carrying what looked like an ecologically friendly supermarket shopping bag. Sure enough he came up to my position.

“Can I help you sir?”

“You look like you are able to do that.”

“Excuse me sir?”

“Well you asked if you could help me and I made the judgment that you looked able. Now if you had said, ‘may I help you sir?’ I would have said ‘Yes you can.’”

“Yes sir. I get it. Bad grammar on my part.”

“Don’t feel alone son. I hear bad grammar all the time.”

“Yes sir. May I help you?”

“My name is Frost. Jack Frost.”

“Yes sir. . . er Jack Frost?”

“Yeah kid and before you go on, let me say I’ve heard them all over the last eighty years.”

“I’m sure you have sir. What can I do for you?”

“I would like to make a withdrawal and I don’t have any of the forms.”

“No problem sir. I can help you right here. I’ll fill them out for you. Do you have an account number?”

“No I don’t. Can’t remember where I put the darn card with numbers on it.”

“Here I’ll just look up your account under your name. Could I have your address as well?”

“Sure it’s. . . Damn I can’t remember it either.”

“Oh sir don’t worry, I’ll just look up your name and then maybe there will be only one Jack Frost.”

“Yeah I don’t imagine there will be a lot of them.”

“Okay sir. I don’t seem to be able to find your name in our system.”

“Well that is real strange isn’t it? I could’ve sworn I had an account here.”

“Looks like you don’t. Maybe it is another bank that looks like this one.”

“Yeah you may be right. At my age everything pretty much looks the same.”

“Can I help you any further?”

“Yeah you can. As long as I am here why don’t you open your cash drawer and pull out all the money and pass it to me.”

“You must be joking sir. You know it is a federal offense to rob a bank.”

“So who’s robbing? I am making a withdrawal like I said I wanted to do.”

“But sir you have no money in this bank so you are taking someone else’s money which is robbery.”

“Have you touched the silent alarm button?”

“No. I don’t think you are serious and you should just turn around and leave. No one has to know.”

“Good. Now what do you think I have in this bag that I am eventually going to put the money in?”

“I have no idea sir.”

“Does dynamite ring a bell with you?”

“Dynamite?”

“Shush. Do you want it to go off?”

“No for heaven’s sake.”

“Here take a look. What do you see?”

“Well some sticks and wires.”

“That’s right. Notice this wire that is wrapped around my finger? That’s the one that makes this whole shebang go bang if you catch my drift. Even if I drop the bag the wire will pull the trigger, so be real careful and give me the money.”

“Yes sir. I must say I hope you are very proud of yourself by coming in here and scaring me to death not to mention putting everyone at risk.”

“Yeah sure. I’m a bad one alright. Keep shoveling the money.”

“There is no more in my drawer.”

“Okay so you need to give me about five minutes to clear the bank. You don’t want to be responsible for people getting hurt if the bomb inadvertently goes off. After five minutes you can call in the Marines for all I care.”

“One more question before you go.”

“Yeah what?”

“Your name. Is it really Jack Frost?”

“Kid, I hope you have a strong person in your life.”

“Why’s that.”

“You have to be the most gullible person on Earth and you need someone to watch out for you. See ya around.”

“Yeah see ya. . . I mean. . . go to hell . . .”

Top Ten No Nos is as Top Ten No Nos Does

October 21, 2013October 17, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 19 Comments

Here is the Sixteenth installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy. This list was put together at the request of Minion Leader Ionia Martin at http://readfulthingsblog.com.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Library

When at the library, refrain from using the stacks in the archived periodicals section to conduct an amorous liaison. While you may think that few if any people browse those stacks, chances are there will be at least one lonely doctoral student who will trip over you while you are in flagrante delicto with the potential of causing all of you great distress.
When at the library, do not try to sneak in food and drink from anywhere, much less a fast food restaurant. Libraries prohibit food and drink as it is, but the aroma (or odor) of greasy burgers and fries will likely draw a sizeable crowd of children to your table, all of whom will want a bite of your lunch or, if gone, you.
When at the library, do not try the patience of the reference librarian by asking questions like, “So, who first discovered drinking milk from a cow?” At best, the librarian will simply point you to the stacks on animal husbandry. At worst, the librarian will pull out a cattle prod and demonstrate its use … on you.
When at the library, do not think it is okay to talk loudly on your cellphone just because you found a “quiet” corner away from other patrons. Sound carries and it is the mission of every librarian to ensure a quiet place for study. You may get to finish your call before they find you, but it will be the last call you ever make in that library once the librarians are done with you and possibly your firstborn as well.
When at the library, do not use library staff as free babysitters. No matter how adorable your children might be, it is not the purpose nor necessarily the desire for librarians to break up squabbles between 3-year-old twins, assist your two-year-old to the toilet for a lesson in potty training, or chase after the 5-year-old boy who insists on running through the stacks to burn off the high sugary breakfast you gave him that morning. The next time you show up to drop off your kids, the librarians might (literally) rope you into a game of dancing around the May Pole, with you as the pole.
When at the library, do not commandeer the computers in the children’s section. Just because these interactive computer games weren’t available when you were young (much less computers) doesn’t mean that you can push kids out of their chairs and take over the computer. At best, the children will sulkily go away to another room. At worst, the children will return with both parents (one of whom is a professional wrestler) and the head librarian in tow and you will quickly find yourself bouncing down the library steps on your bum.
When at the library, do not think anyone would think it is funny or entertaining for you to take every copy of Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex and put them alongside The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Calculus, the Bible, and Mastering the Art of French Eating. If you are caught by a librarian, you will likely wind up having to unstack and restack the Fiction section fifty times for penance, or, worse, an embarrassing request for a date.
When at the library, do not return DVDs or CDs without first checking and cleaning them if necessary. It would only be a matter of time before the librarians would figure it out that it is you returning DVDs and CDs after you’ve used them to play Frisbee with your cats or as coasters at your Saturday Margarita fest. Once you’re found out, you’ll likely be sent to the basement where they will make you clean every DVD and CD in their collection, as well as rewind every cassette and video tape.
When at the library, do not drop off your soiled and smelly paperbacks and magazines as donations. Before long, the library patrons will associate the odd cat-wizz smell coming from the donations bin with the same smell that consistently comes from your shoes. (Dear kitties love the warmth of your shoes and they seem to hold a lot.) At best, they will have security bar you from dropping off your donations before you even enter the door. At worst, you will be forced to clean each and every one of your donations until their smell no longer causes people to wrinkle their noses and start sneezing.
When at the library, do not stack towers of books on a table, peruse a few of them, and then just walk away. It may be the librarian’s (low-paying) job to return books to the stacks, but to horde books without any concern to the other patrons will cause you to fall into disfavor among the librarians. At best, they will simply shoot you nasty looks as they retrieve your tower of books. At worst, they will make a wall of said books and bury you behind it along with the convicted felon doing community service.

Margarita is as Margarita Does

October 18, 2013October 14, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 37 Comments

Friday has finally arrived. If you are like me it is a welcome sight for sore everything. Even though I don’t have a traditional workweek, I still like to kick back and celebrate its close. In fact, someone asked me my idea of a good Friday. I said, “A good Friday is where I write my ass off, reward myself with a Margarita and then try to explain to my wife what I had done all day.” I wrote a little Haiku to honor that Margarita and the Friday celebration. Hope you enjoy and have a great weekend.

My Margarita,

Celebrate one for Friday. . .

Two; hurts tomorrow.

Wednesday is as Wednesday Does

October 16, 2013October 13, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 24 Comments

King Kong Fighters (Photo credit: auchard)

Wednesday is upon us again. The mid-week always gets me into a mood to do something different. This week is no exception. I thought it would be fun to think of some new pitches for possible query letters on some very popular Favorite Fiction. The way this will be done is to take a book title and use it to make a new plot to be pitched to an agent or publisher. I do not mean to disparage any of the work that has been produced, but to have a little fun while I take a break from the edit chore.

Fifty Shades of Grey – Action packed story of a pack of color challenged wolves who are seeking their own identity in a confused and competitive world of wild animals.
Game of Thrones – Amusing romp through the wonderful and rock ‘em sock ‘em life of professional musical chair players on the ultimate tour circuit.
Doctor Sleep – Taut tale of sleeping beauty and her personal physician as they work together to overcome her sleeping addiction.
The Longest Ride – A compelling thriller that has an unwitting bystander being the only one to save an entire village trapped on a runaway roller coaster.
Gone Girl – Tear wrenching tale of a young hopscotch champion’s battle with chalk addition and the team of loved ones who try to help her.
Moby Dick – Thrilling story of a rock band’s foray into the dark world of private investigation to find the lost jewel of the Opera.
Inferno – An epic story of a match and its struggle to be recognized in the difficult world of petroleum accelerates.
Lord of the Rings – The round by round depiction of the struggle of a rope supplier to the world of boxing.
Thankless in Death – Sad story of a young man who took care of and loved a herd of elephants at the zoo, but continued to eat his lunch on the spot where the big bull liked to sit.
Angles and Demons – The step by step struggle of a new writer to gain acceptance for a novel that tells the story of the comparative strength of a tyrannosaurus versus King Kong.

Hope you enjoyed.

Publish is as Publish Does

October 15, 2013October 14, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 41 Comments

I am very pleased that the Paperbook Collective has published one of my short stories in the third edition. You can go to the site: http://issuu.com/jaydeashe/docs/the_paperbook_collective_issue_thre/1?e=0 and read the story and look at the rest of the fine collection. My story begins on page nine, but you might want to look at the others.

The Collective is interested in other submissions as well. You can go here: The Paperbook Collective for more information.

Top Ten No No’s is as Top Ten No No’s Does

October 14, 2013October 10, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 30 Comments

Here is the Fifteenth installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Trying to Get Published

10. When trying to get published, do not send a query letter to a publisher with the opening phrase “You probably have never heard of me, but that will change.” The publisher will no doubt get a big laugh and your query will get a direct pitch into the trashcan with the words, “Want to bet,” on the publishers lips.

9. When trying to get published, do not use cute gimmicks in your query letter to get the publisher’s attention. They will not appreciate whatever it is that you send along with the letter and could just charge you for the clean-up later. This includes: glitter hearts, artificial snow, two tickets to the Bruins hockey game, a six-pack of beer, sand from your beach story, or anything else not on paper.

8. When trying to get published, do not think a personal phone call to the publisher will make a difference. You will only risk sounding like an idiot even though you have thoroughly rehearsed your pitch. If you should by chance get someone to talk, being able to find your query letter to give you the feedback you demand may get you put on hold permanently.

7. When trying to get published, do not, under any circumstances, show up at the publisher’s place of business in person. The publisher will be extremely embarrassed since they will have no idea what to do with you. Your query just might get placed in your back pocket as you are shown the exit into the alley.

6. When trying to get published, do not tell the publisher in your query letter that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for them. The only thing that may be a once in a lifetime opportunity is the one second it takes for the publisher to pitch your query into the wastebasket with the words, “I’ll take that chance,” on the publisher’s lips.

5. When trying to get published, do not try to build rapport with the publisher with words like, “If I were in your shoes I would be looking for a talented writer and by golly I just happen to know one.” The publisher will have a nice laugh at your expense and will probably use your query in the next seminar on How Not to Query. Of course he will be paid an enormous fee and you will get…well…nothing.

4. When trying to get published, do not send a query letter before you have your fiction manuscript finished. Unless you are Stephen King, there is not a publisher in business today who will jump at the chance to publish your story if it is in the concept stage. Describing in detail what might be will probably get you a response of what actually is happening, a flat “no.”

3. When trying to get published, do not assume you have only writing in mind. The publisher will want you to carry most of the marketing work on your shoulders. Your query letter should stay away from self-descriptive words and phrases like: artist, literary principles, clean hands, introvert, higher calling, too good for others, filthy capitalism, save trees activist, reclusive researcher, and only want to write.

2. When trying to get published, do not admit you are only in this for the money even if you are. There may be a time when the publisher contacts you as a result of your query. This is not the time to start pressing the publisher for a compact timetable because you need the money. Like banks do not lend money to people who need it, publishers know there is little money for authors and will pass on you for another more motivated by non-monetary reasons.

1. When trying to get published, do not give up. There are a million potential reasons to keep sending queries and who knows, your manuscript just might be the next million copy seller.

End of the Week is as End of the Week Does

October 11, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 9 Comments

Friday again. Man how the week goes by. I spent most of it editing my next book and I must say I like this one. I know you would like to agree with me, but it’s going to be a while till I get the thing out the door. Besides the fact that you will have to pick it up and read it before you agree or not, I have confidence you will.

The subject of my post today is to celebrate the week’s end with a quick Haiku that hopefully translates the meaning of Friday to most of us. Those of you who are lucky enough to avoid work can stop right here cause you will simply not get the meaning and social import of the words assembled. For the rest of us who must face the prospect of working each and every day here is my haiku homage to work.

For some work is play,

Work for others is judgment. . .

Drinkers work’s a curse.

Have a Happy Friday and Great weekend