Since today is the 53rd anniversary of Janis Joplin’s first live concert held in the Avalon Ballroom in San Francisco, I thought it would be fun to go there. Of course, we need a list of things not to do to make sure we don’t make a mistake that could cause trouble later.  Time travel can be tricky, so every precaution taken is worth the time and trouble.  I hope you enjoy the list and if you should happen to end up at the concert, I hope you stay out of trouble.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at Janis Joplin’s First Live Concert in 1966

10 If you go to the concert, do not accept little squares of litmus paper from someone named Tim Leary. If you do, at best, he’ll give you a placebo. At worst, you’ll end up on the ride of a lifetime. (Have you not read of the LSD experiments, Hovsep? I hope you enjoy the view of Jupiter from way up there.)

9 If you go to the concert, do not attempt to convince Tiny the WWF champ that you are a good friend of Janis and deserve a visit backstage. If you do, at best Tiny has not met Tim Leary yet. At worst, he and Tim have been conducting side experiments on the treatment of Tiny’s aggressive behavior. (Whelp. Another experiment gone off the rails, Hrimfaxi. Looks like Tiny thinks you are a character from a Godzilla movie and intends to help you through that brick wall. This may hurt so get ready to call 911. Oh, sorry there is no 911 in 1966.)

8 If you go to the concert, do not start waving your cell phone in time to the music. If you do, at best those around you will be too preoccupied to notice. At worst, the security team made up of the Oakland Chapter of the Hells Angels will help you out. (It looks like none of these guys care about the phone, Hrut. They just enjoy pounding folks and throwing them out the back door. They thought your phone was a flash camera and delighted in seeing you airborne. Yeah, that landing could be rough.)

7 If you go to the concert, do not yell out a request for “Me and Bobby McGee.” If you do, at best no one will have heard of it. At worst, you’ll give your self away as a time traveler since the song by Janis was released in 1971. (Here comes the Hells Angels again, Hud. This time just lay back, and maybe they will crowd surf you to the exit.)

6 If you go to the concert, do not inhale the smoke that is all around you. If you do, at best it will be a weakened batch of inferior weed. At worst, you will be on the breathing end of some Maui Wowie, and you can see the lights dimming quickly. (No there are no munchies available, Hughson. You’ll just have to deal with the side effects. No, that person is not talking about you. Paranoia is another side effect.)

5 If you go to the concert, do not drink from that bottle of Southern Comfort being passed around. If you do, at best it is Southern Comfort, Janis’ favorite drink. At worst it is some homemade concoction that is guaranteed to make you lose all inhibitions. (Okay, Hugues you need to put your pants back on. No one is interested in your Sponge Bob SquarePants boxers. They don’t even know Sponge Bob since the premiere of the show was in 1999.)

4 If you go to the concert, do not get overly excited to see the Grateful Dead sitting in for a set. If you do, at best people will think you are a rabid fan. At worst, you will raise some suspicions since the band is a regular feature at the Avalon. (Be sure and not spill the beans about how popular they will become, Hula. You’ll only attract the Angels again.)

3 If you go to the concert, do not try and sing along with Janis. If you do, at best, you will be ignored. At worst, those around you will beg you to stop and then call security. (It was not so much you sang off-key Hyacinth. it was the fingernails on the chalkboard tone that got to them.)

2 If you go to the concert, do not decide to visit in the moshpit. If you do, at best everyone is smaller than you. At worst, before you know it, you will be jumping up and down in time with everyone hoping to get a breath. (If only you had had the list with you. Hyman. You could have avoided all this. You say you might faint? Oh I wouldn’t do that if I were you.)

1 If you go to the concert, do not forget to bring back a program. If you do, at best you’ll simply forget what went on. At worst, you’ll miss out on the opportunity to have a rare souvenir of that one-time event. (Not to mention the possibility of selling it on E-Bay, Hawiovi. Oh well. Easy come, easy go.)