Wednesday Story Day – AKA – Hump Day

January 29, 2020January 28, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 65 Comments

It is Wednesday Story Day again and last week Jerry’s landlord walked in asking a lot of questions and then fingered the three to the police as possible trespassers. This was all after a bunch of guys made toothpicks out of Jerry’s door. So, our boys are about to get a visit by a group of very nervous police officers. We better get there. Not that we can help but what would a story be without us.

“YOU PEOPLE IN THE APARTMENT. GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES AND PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD.”

“Well, Larry. It looks like we are in another fine kettle of fish. I hate this. My knees are not healthy enough for a lot of kneeling.”

“Let’s just do as they say, Andrew. We don’t want any accidents. You too, Jerry. Do as they say. IT’S OKAY OFFICERS WE ARE ALL ON OUR KNEES.”

“Well, what do we have here?”

“Detective Larry Dunfee of the Boston police department, officer.”

“You have ID?”

“Yes, I do. May I get it”

“Hold on. I’ll tell you when to move. Who are you guys?”

“Andrew Cummings, Office. I have arthritic knees, which are killing me.”

“Well, Mr. Cummings, if you be patient, we will have you on your feet in no time. You with the Boston police as well.”

“No, sir. I’m the former ME.”

“How about you?”

“Jerry Foster and this is my place.”

“And the bum’s two weeks behind in his rent.”

“Excuse me, sir. Who are you?”

“I’m the landlord.”

“Please stand over there, sir. We’ll get your statement shortly.”

“Who’s going to pay for that door.”

“Please, sir. Give us a moment here.”

“Officer, look at the guy. Wife beater t-shirt, two days growth, leather vest, suspenders, pork pie hat, cigar, and evidence of three days of meals on his shirt. He’s right out of central casting. You think he’s going to listen to you?”

“Mr. Dunfee, is it?”

“Detective Dunfee and I have my service weapon on me.”

“That’s fine, detective Dunfee. We’ll get to all that. Right now, we would appreciate it if you and your associates would get your IDs out, please.”

“What about my weapon.”

“Just leave that where it is for now. There are three assault weapons in this room, so your weapon doesn’t concern me. I want your ID first.”

“Here you are.”

“So how did you come to attract all this attention, Detective Dunfee?”

“Can we get off this floor?”

“Sure, but don’t make any sudden moves. These officers don’t take kindly to sudden moves.”

“You have me convinced. I’m moving as slowly as I can. Jerry and Andrew, please do the same.”

“To my question. Do you know why those people might want to see you dead?”

“Not a clue, Officer. When we first got to town, we were assaulted, and we eventually shot the perps dead.”

“How did whoever want you dead know you were here?”

“No idea. I guess they followed us here.”

“How about you, sonny. Any Idea?”

“L-like the detective said, maybe they followed us.”

“How about you, Mr. Cummings?”

“I have no idea. I guess being followed is as good a reason as I can think up.”

“Okay, Mr. Landlord. What do you know?”

“Nutten. I was relaxin’ and, then all hell broke loose.”

“By all hell, you mean gunshots.”

“You’re not kidden’. Shells falling all over the place. Look at this place. There’s holes everwhere.”

“You see anyone?”

“No way. I wasn’t about to stick my head out of my door with World War three goin’ on.”

“Thank you. You may go.”

“See if you can get that punk to cough up my rent. That would be a service. You do protect and serve, right?”

“Please leave, sir. Thank you. Now let me call this in and see there is any reason to hold you three.”

Tuesday – Anything Possible – Kreative Kue #247 by Keith Channing

January 28, 2020January 27, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 70 Comments

In Keith’s words

“Using this photo (below) as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put it (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before 6pm next Sunday (if you aren’t sure what the time is where I live, this link will tell you). If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here.

Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries next Monday.”

The photo

Kreative Kue #247

“You call a cab buddy?”

“I sure did.”

“Well, jump in. You can sit upfront with me. Here I’ll open the door.”

“Er. I’m not sure I’m your ride.”

“Why are you not sure. You said you called for a cab?”

“Yeah, I did. But I thought I had called the Yellow Cab company.”

“Ah, what’s the difference. You still get to your destination.”

“Well, that is my worry.”

“What worry?”

“I’ve been reading a lot about gypsy cabs. You know the ones where they kidnap unsuspecting travelers and hold them for ransom.”

“Oh, man. You must have been reading the Enquirer. That doesn’t happen around here.”

“How do I know that?”

“Look at me. Do I look like the kind of guy who could kidnap anyone? I’m an old fart with skinny arms. You could take me in a minute. You work out right?”

“Yeah, I do work out.”

“I could tell by those biceps you got. Some pair of guns. Hey, guy, I need the fare. If you don’t want to get in then just close the door and I’ll be off.”

“I don’t mean to be so cautious but this is my first time here.”

“I understand. If it would make you feel better you can get in the back.”

“That would make me feel better.”

“Okay, no problem. Jump in and we’ll get you to your hotel bing badda boom.”

“You from the States?”

“Yeah, Brooklyn. Born and raised.”

“Okay, I’m in.”

“Where to, Pal?”

“The Continental. Wait why did those doors lock?”

“To keep you safe .”

“Oh.”

“And to keep you from getting away.”

“What do you mean.”

“We are going on a little trip so sit back and relax.”

“Hey. Stop this cab and let me out.”

“Not gonna happen, brother. You are my meal ticket. There at a bunch of nice guys who’ll pay me a thousand bucks for you.”

“Okay, I’m coming up there if you don’t let me out.”

“Yeah just try. Your seat belt has you locked in. You cautious types always put on the seat belt. Makes it so much easier.”

“I demand that you pull over.”

“This is rich if I say so myself. Here’s a guy who is making demands. The same guy who gets in a gypsy cab with the name of Moron. This is one for the boys at the tavern.”

Cover reveal and Pre-Order for The Reckoning Squad by Susanne Burke

January 27, 2020January 26, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 68 Comments

I am pleased to be part of the announcement and cover reveal for Suzanne Burke’s latest thriller. The regular Top Ten feature will be back next week.

I was fortunate to be part of the beta reader team for The Reckoning Squad and can say this is another great example of Suzanne’s talent for writing thrillers. Here is Soooze to fill you in.

Hello, and welcome to the Cover Reveal of my New Psychological Thriller.

“The Reckoning Squad.”

The Reckoning Squad

By

S. Burke

Available to Pre-Order NOW.
Release Date: Monday FEBRUARY 24th, 2020.
Mystery>Psychological Thriller & Suspense >

It is such an exciting time for an author when releasing a new book! I would be remiss in not sharing my heartfelt thanks to the marvelous people who gave of their time so readily to beta read my latest book. Their valuable insights helped me enormously when crafting “The Reckoning Squad.”

At long last, I’m able to share the cover and blurb for “The Reckoning Squad,” my latest Psychological Thriller.

“The Reckoning Squad ” is due for release on Monday, February 24th, 2020.

It is NOW available for Pre-Order.

I have many good friends sharing this cover across the blogosphere today and tomorrow, so you’re likely to see it pop up in various places. Thank you to everyone participating in my cover reveal splash, and to everyone dropping by to share in my excitement. Here’s my new baby . . .

With much gratitude to Eeva Lancaster at The Book Khaleesi for the cover creation.

Cover Created by Eeva Lancaster at The Book Khaleesi

Presenting “The Reckoning Squad” A Psychological thriller.

“The Reckoning Squad“

THE RECKONING SQUAD HIGH RES IMAGE of BOOKCOVER

BLURB:

The Reckoning Squad was the new name being whispered in the darkened corridors of the powerful in Washington. The name was whispered with awe, and the whispers grew louder.

Twenty people had been carefully vetted and recruited to undergo specialized training. Training engineered to break them utterly, intended to shatter everything they once believed themselves capable of surviving. Only the best of them made it through the twelve weeks of hell. They now formed a cohesive black-ops unit, known as The Reckoning Squad.

Their facility is breached, and the team’s numbers are decimated. The survivors know that they’re in a fight for their lives. They have been betrayed from within. Trust has now become a rare commodity. They want answers.

The betrayers don’t understand just what they’ve unleashed.

But they are about to find out.

The Reckoning Squad are coming, and they have just rewritten the rules.

Here’s an extract from the Prologue.

Prologue.

New York: November 8^th, 2003.

Chastity Adams checked the time, ran a brush through her long blonde curls and hurriedly grabbed her school books. She shoved them into her backpack and slipped on her gloves. One quick look from her bedroom window was enough to tell her just how windy it was outside. The last of the fall leaves still clung bravely to the branches, all the while knowing it was futile. The others swirled in small angry spirals across her backyard. She grabbed her coat, pulled on a beanie, and loosely draped a scarf across her shoulders. Chastity was unaware of how pretty she looked with her long curls falling in a soft curtain around her. Her mind was too busy to cloud it with vanity.

She suddenly recalled a decision she’d made yesterday.

Chastity hurried down the hallway to her brother Nathan’s room and knocked on the door.

Nathan stood looking down at her from his 6ft 3ins, rubbing his eyes and leaning on the wall. “What’s up, squirt?”

Chastity ignored the nickname, she’d be thirteen in a couple of days then she’d ask her big brother to quit using it, “I was just wondering if you had some gloves and maybe a beanie or scarf you don’t ever wear.”

“Why would you need them?”

Chastity flushed a deep shade of pink, “There’s this boy at school, he kinda always looks cold. He’s still wearing the same stuff he was wearing back in June. It’s way too cold now for shorts and a tee-shirt. So, I figured maybe his folks just didn’t have enough money to buy him some warmer stuff, you know? I mean he could have one of mine, but he already gets picked on enough and adding bright girl colored stuff would just make it worse.”

“You off on another one of your missions to save the world, squirt?”

“I’m not! But it just doesn’t seem right that some folks have too much, and some folks never have enough. That’s all.”

Her brother looked at her closely and nodded. “Okay. I guess I have some stuff I don’t really need.”

His sister flung her arms around him. “You are the best brother ever! You wouldn’t maybe have an old hoodie as well?”

Nathan knew he’d lose an argument with his kid sister. He had never been able to deny her anything. And the little minx knew it.

His eyes followed her as she left the room with her donated bootie. He tried to shrug off the thought that his friends may start looking at his kid sister a little differently, and soon.

Then he grinned and was comforted by the knowledge that the squirt was capable of laying them out flat on the ground, courtesy of the karate lessons she’d undertaken since the age of five. If she didn’t dissuade them, they’d have to come through him. That wasn’t about to happen. This whole big brother thing had suddenly altered in a way he hadn’t anticipated happening quite so soon.

***

Travis Wilson shivered as he stepped outside and hurriedly locked the front door behind him. The baggy shorts and tee-shirt he was wearing gave him no armor to fight off the cold November wind. He steeled himself to brace it, picked up his violin case and hurried to catch the school bus.

He climbed on and made his way quickly down to the back corner and grabbed the window seat. He spoke to no one and kept his eyes averted, but he couldn’t shut his ears off from hearing the nasty comments from the other kids that sat nearest to him. “You going away to a beach somewhere, freak? Don’t much like your choice of swimwear.”

The guy had secured himself a good laugh with that one.

Then the other comments started. Kids seemed to grow braver when they formed a pack. Travis knew they weren’t all cruel, not normally, but the need they had to belong trashed all over their distaste at what they were doing. Driven by the desire to be considered popular inspired them to be as cruel as they could be. Their words lacerated his already damaged soul and Travis felt his face darken with the shame of it. He didn’t respond either by word or action, knowing they’d soon become bored with their bullying of him, and move their spiteful tongues on to some other kid they deemed to be weak and an easy target.

He looked out the window and sighed with relief when he spotted Chastity Adams and her best friends readying to climb onboard at the bus stop. Chastity was different from the rest of them. He always felt a little better about his day when she’d seek him out and give him a smile. He looked across at her then, just as she turned. He knew she had caught the wistful look on his face. She simply smiled across at him and turned back to her chattering best friends.

He caught the smile and burned it into his memory. He would remember it when the darkness descended again. It would help keep him warm.

***

Purchase The Reckoning Squad on Amazon.com

Again my grateful thanks to the generous folks sharing my Cover reveal with you today.

I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

Suzanne Burke Amazon Author Page

On TWITTER.

My Blog

Views of the Neighborhood – Music at the Library

January 26, 2020January 26, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 72 Comments

Views of the neighborhood

As if the place wasn’t cool enough, every Friday the Lake Travis Community Library hosts a musical performance. This week is was The Southside Sheiks Band

These guys bill themselves as “Raisin’ a ruckus wherever they go, the Southside Sheiks will play old-timey jug band, ragtime, and holler blues.” Other weeks have included a Jazz singer, Pianist, and singer/songwriter. So, come on along. Don’t worry about keeping your voice down, there is enough music going on to cover you. This is a fast view today.

Views of the Neighborhood

As you can see the reading section has been taken over by the music section.

Views of the Neighborhood

Another view of the band and the folks having a good time.

Views of the neighborhood

It seems like a contradiction, the music and the stacks of books. I noticed there were some people reading along as if the room was totally quiet.

Views of the neighborhood

As the clouds roll in we take a pause and view the pond outside the library.

Views of the neighborhood

I’ve shown this little boy before. He and his trusty canine are spending some quality time by the pond reading a book.

I hope you enjoyed the quick view today. If you want to check out the complete calendar or just curious about all the library offers, here is a link to the library webpage

Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt “Last Call.”

January 25, 2020January 24, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 52 Comments

It is Stream of Consciousness Saturday time again, and this week’s prompt needs an expert to describe. So let’s drag Linda Hill from her warm cozy house and ask her to explain.

“Fine, John. You could have at least allowed me to get my coat, but never mind. Here it is. Your prompt for #JusJoJan and Stream of Consciousness Saturday is: “last call.” Talk about the enterprise (sales or service) conducted by the last phone call you received from a business you’re not associated with (i.e. your workplace), or talk about that phone conversation itself. Have fun!”

Thank you, Linda. If you would like to participate, visit Linda’s blog. Here take this coat with you. The link is.

The Friday Reminder for #SoCS & #JusJoJan 2020 Daily Prompt – Jan. 25th

“Why so glum chum?”

“I just got off the phone with the doctor.”

“Oh my goodness, what’s wrong?”

“No, nothing’s wrong.”

“Then why the long face?”

“I was given a clean bill of health.”

“And that bothers you, why?”

“No, it’s not that.”

“Do I need to pound the reason out of you?”

“Okay, here’s the scoop. My prompt this week is ‘last call.'”

“The fact that your whole life revolves around that prompt kills me. Go on.”

“According to the rules, I have to take the last call I received and talk about it.”

“Yeah, so?”

“A friggen’ doctor’s office call? Whats to talk about?”

“Describe the visit.”

“Hell no. Not a soul would care. Besides, there are laws protecting my medical privacy.”

“Not if you spill the beans.”

“You keep using ‘spill the beans’ in these posts. Why?”

“Don’t change the subject. What is the problem.”

“I had planned to talk about something more exciting.”

“Like what?”

“Like the new Porsche 911 Carrera Cabriolet.”

“Yeah, that’s exciting all right. What made you think you were going to get a phone call about a Porsche? Those things start at $110,000. That may be without wheels and steering wheel too.”

“I had it all planned. I phoned the dealer and asked to speak to someone and then pretended I had to go and asked them to call me back.”

“No call, I take it.”

“No., Just the doctor.”

“The dealer probably heard of you.”

“What do you mean?”

“They ran a credit check, and your score was so low, Experian was going to bill them for the report.”

“Very funny.”

“So talk about your doctor’s visit. Start with the part where you had to take off your pants.”

“I did not have to take off my pants. Just my shirt.”

“Okay, I’ve heard enough. I need something to kill the image.”

“A loaded gun?”

“Good one. Maybe a six-pack will do it”

“Make it two.”

“Done.”

Friday JohnKu – AKA – TGIF – Sunshine Blogger Award

January 24, 2020January 23, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 63 Comments

Sunshine Blogger Award

I was very honored this week to receive the Sunshine Blogger award from three terrific bloggers.

Mark Bierman

Ron Yates

Gwen Plano

I don’t usually do awards, but I was so touched that these three would ~~gang up on me~~ separately nominate me for an award that has anything at all to do with sunshine. Well, yes, I’m an outgoing, happy person, but sunshine? For example, I was called a curmudgeon, recently, and it wasn’t by the internalist doing my colonoscopy either.

So the rules are:

Thank the blogger(s) who nominated you and link back to their blog.
Answer 11 questions the blogger asked you.
List the rules and display the Sunshine Blogger Award in your blog post.
Nominate 11 new bloggers & their blogs. Leave a comment on their blog to let them know they received the award and ask your nominees 11 new questions.

Whew. That means 33 questions to answer and 33 to write.

Let me thank each who nominated me and link back to their blog.

Thank you, Mark, Ron, and Gwen. If you haven’t visited them before now, you should. They all have a lot to say and do it very well.

Rather than answer separate questions, let me make a summary statement that will cover a number of them.

I started blogging in March of 2012 and have been doing it every day since. So this year marks my eighth and so far I have over 300,000 views and over 90,000 comments.

My blogging philosophy is to present content that folks want to read. I like humor and prompts. Most of my posts could be considered on the fluffy end of the spectrum. I do this on purpose. Maybe someday I’ll get around to an “author” blog where I can write about writing. Right now, I would prefer to just write and leave the teaching to others.

I am a dyed in the wool panster, and many times on my blog, I have no idea what I’m going to write until the first word. In my novels, I lay out the last three sentences of the book and work to reach them. I’ve done this for six books now, and it seems to work for me.

I get my ideas from living every day. Most of what I write is made up. I do have some philosophical beliefs that wind their way into my stories, but they are rare.

The writing system I use is to keep at it until I have written at least 1000 words. Since I write every day, that is my daily goal in just my novels.

My advice to new writers is to write every day, no matter how much or how little. Grammarly tells me they have checked 10M words since I started. I’m still learning. I do intend to keep writing until they pry the keyboard from my cold fingers.

Thank you again, Mark, Ron, and Gwen. I’m honored that you thought of me.

Today’s JohnKu talks about peer recognition. I hope you have a great weekend.

You never expect,

The day would come, then it does . . .

A nod from your peers.

Thursday – A Little Personal – Lucy and Twiggy Face the Rain

January 23, 2020January 22, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 88 Comments

Lucy and Twiggy

“Okay, Ladies. Time to go out.”

“It’s raining out there.”

Lucy and Twiggy

“I just hate the rain, Lucy.”

“I know how you feel. The boss is not moving, though.”

“Which way you going?”

“Not sure, Little One. The rain seems to be coming down everywhere.”

“Oh, this is great. We have a wind chill of 44 degrees, and the door is closed.”

“Give it a whine and cry, Twiggy. That always works.”

“Here comes dad, Lucy.”

“I’ll put on my sad face. Maybe it’ll hurry him up.”

“Hey, Little One. This towel is for me.”

“You can share. I’m freezing.”

“So now you want to play with Flamingo?”

“What better way to warm up?”

“Hey, boss. Any chance for a treat? We survived the rain of 2020.”

“That’s pretty funny, Lucy. Who is going to straighten the mess you two made?”

“If you mean the mussed up couch cover, pillow on the floor, clownfish, Benny bones, and Flamingo strewn about, that’s all Twiggy.”

“I see a spec of dirt here, Lucy. That’s on you.”

Wednesday Story Day – AKA – Hump Day

January 22, 2020January 21, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments

Lucy and Twiggy — “Friday?”
“Long way off, Little one.”

It is Wednesday Story Day again, and last week we all thought there was going to be a significant shoot-out. We were quite surprised that whoever was intent on shooting Larry, Andrew, and Jerry decided that since the police were on the way, they should take a powder (True Detective magazine vernacular) Let’s get back to Jerry’s apartment to see what happens next.

“What the hell happened to the door?”
“Who are you?”
“That’s my landlord, Larry.”
“Thanks, Jerry. Sir, we are going to ask you to step outside. This is a crime scene.”
“Yeah, and who the hell are you?”
“This ID has my name and the word detective on it.”
“I see it. It says, ‘Boston.’ What right do you have here?”
“Every right. Now, you going to step outside, or do I need to call the police.”
“From all the noise, it looks like the cops are headed this way. Okay, I’ll wait in the hall, but I think you are trespassing.”
“Look, little man. Jerry here invited us in. So, go away.”
“Geez, Larry. Give the guy a break.”
“I didn’t pull my gun, now did I?”
“Thank heavens. That’s all we need you threatening civilians.”
“So, Jerry. Any idea who those guys were?”
“I have a sneaking suspicion. The problem is if I tell you anything, I’m going to end up like Rafferty.”
“You know anything about his death?”
“W-well. I think I know who did it.”
“Come on, man. Spill the beans. Talk to me.”
“Uh, Larry. There is enough time for that. I think we had better think of what to say to the police who I can tell by the sound of silence, just pulled up outside.”
“Large termites.”
“What?”
“Just kidding. Sure would explain that splintered door.”
“We need to do better than that.”
“Okay. First off, Jerry. You are safe with us. We won’t let you get killed. Second, let’s just tell the truth.”
“The truth?”
“Yeah. Like those guys on the highway, someone has it in for you and me.”
“How did they know we were here?”
“Don’t know. Followed us, we guess.”
“Do we have any idea why?”
“Nope, but we sure would like it if the police would put a stop to it.”
“I hate to say it, Larry, but it sounds good to me.”
“We want to keep Jerry here out of it. We were here as a follow up to our questions.”
“Don’t mention Wentworth.”
“Oh, hell no. We can take care of him ourselves.”
“Wentworth?”
“Yeah, Jerry. We need to keep mum about Wentworth telling you to keep your mouth shut. You got the story now?”
“Yes, sir. I got it.”
“Okay, then I think we are ready.”
“I hear some noise in the hall.”
“They are in there, officers. Three guys, and I think they are trespassing.”
“Stupid landlord.”

Tuesday – Anything Possible – Kreative Kue #246 by Keith Channing

January 21, 2020January 20, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 48 Comments

In Keith’s words.

“Using this photo (below) as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put it (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before 6 pm next Sunday (if you aren’t sure what the time is where I live, this link will tell you). If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here.

Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries next Monday.”

The Photo.

Kreative Kue #246

“What are you doing up there?”

“I can’t seem to find anything.”

“What is the problem.”

“I have mislaid my bouncy ball.”

“Well, I don’t think you’re going to find it u there.”

“It could have bounced onto this shelf.”

“With the ladder in the way, I hardly think so.”

“It is possible.”

“Okay, I’ll admit the possibility is there I just doubt the feasibility.”

“You have a lot of bility. How about you giving me an idea of where the ball went.”

“Let me ask. Who was the last one playing with the ball?”

“Er. That would be me.”

“Okay, where were you playing with the ball?”

“In the yard, I think.”

“So, what makes you think it is on that shelf?”

“A hunch.”

“And you decided to follow your hunch?”

“Yes, that’s it. I followed my hunch.”

“The fact that a bag of treats is on that shelf has no relevance, huh?”

“T-treats. I don’t see no stinking treats.”

“Come down from there. Let me smell your breath.”

“Smsnbrrtlrthe brth.”

“Open your mouth.”

“Mmmbftth.”

“For heaven’s sake. You have a mouthful of treats.”

“Dgtjoegbthh.”

“Drop them.”

“Fine.”

“What do you have to say for yourself?”

“I’m a victim.”

“A victim? What are you talking about.”

“Dog abuse.”

“Come again?”

“The placement of the ladder was without regard to my natural instincts to hunt down the treats. Hello ASPCA.”

“I’ll ASPCA you. Bad dog.”

“Abusive language. I think I have PTSD.”

“Have a treat.”

“Bribery. Class D misdemeanor.”

“You’ve been watching too many cop shows. Go to your bed.”

“Solitary confinement. Against the Geneva convention.”

“So, sue me.”

“First how about a game of catch?”

“Where’s the ball?”

“In the yard where it’s been all along.”

Top Ten Things Not to Do at The Second Monte Carlo Auto Rally in 1912

January 20, 2020January 19, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 59 Comments

Henri Rougier and the 25Hp Turcat-Mery before the inaugural Monte Carlo rally 1911

This week marks the anniversary of the second auto rally at Monte Carlo in 1912. We all know we want to go there, and as usual, we need to take a list of things not to do to stay out of trouble. So here is the list.

10 If you go, do not ask anyone when the first rally took place. If you do, at best, whoever you ask will think you are drunk. At worst, you’ll be considered an outsider and non-rally buff. (The first rally took place in 1911, Jan. It was won by Henri Rougier under a ton of scandal around the vague judging rules. You now have the officials nervous thinking you might be a hired Pinkerton agent.)

9 If you go, do not encourage Tiny the WWF champ to join a rally team. If you do, at best, he will ignore you. At worst, he will join, and since he weighs so much, his team’s car could not manage the 22 Miles Per Hour needed to win. (Tiny, who has missed over a year’s worth of self-esteem and body shaming group sessions, is now looking for you, Janus. He plans to practice his new hold. He loosely describes it as the ‘Backbreaker.’)

8 If you go, do not promise to enter a car in the race next year and pay the entry fee. If you do, at best, the price is low. At worst, the high cost of entry will be held for you until 1923. (You see, Janyl because of tensions surrounding the circumstances leading up to WWI the race was canceled for next year. The race did not resume until 1923. Let’s hope you can make it back. That entry fee was very dear.)

7 If you go, do not talk about Peugeots, Mini-Coopers, Alpine-Renaults, Lancias, and Porsches. If you do, at best, no one will understand you. At worst, you’ll give the impression that you need mental care. ( The cars of the day are Turcat-Mery, Gobron, Dunkop, and Berliet, Japheth. Yes, we know you’ve never heard of them but take my word for it. Here come some guys in white coats, and they don’t look like they have a very good sense of humor.)

6 If you go, do not ask to buy tickets to the pits. If you do, at best, no one will know what the pits are. At worst, someone will take your money and show you to an underground jail. (The rally isn’t the kind of race where you have pit stops, Jaran. Competitors come from several cities and end up in Monaco. The idea at this time is to get there first and have the most elegant car. I hope you enjoy your stay in the pit. Pay no attention to that guy hanging from the wall in chains. He’ll try to make you believe he is innocent. Maybe like you will with the next sucker.)

5 If you go, do not ask where the VIP tent is set up. If you do, at best, someone will direct you to a restroom. At worst, they’ll think you are part of a radical political element. (The person thought the letters VIP stood for Vendredi International Partier which they loosely interpret ‘do away with the monarchy on Friday.’ So now the special police are headed your way, Jaren. You may end up in the pit after all.)

4 If you go, do not ask for directions to the t-shirt stand. If you do, at best, someone will point to the North (for no real reason). At worst, you will be asking a secret service person who now wants to know where you came from. (Don’t tell him anything, Jarin. If he discovers you are a time traveler, you will break all laws of the time continuum. Huh, it looks like he is heating up a poker. Yeah, I would spill my guts if I were you. That thing looks like it might hurt.)

3 If you go, do not kick the tires on the Turcat-Mery. If you do, at best, nothing will happen. At worst, your kick just happened to hit the weak spot on the front left tire. (Good for you, Jaromir. You now have flattened the tire on last year’s winner. It looks like they won’t place this year since there is no spare. By the way, Henri looks a little upset, and that monkey wrench in his hand appears very big and solid.)

2 If you go, do not congratulate Von Eismark for his second-place finish. If you do, at best, he may just step on your foot. At worst, instead of confronting Jules Beutler, the winner, he may turn on you. (Looks like you are in line for a duel, Jarrah. It seems there was a dispute on the road, and ole Von Eismark just couldn’t get over it. Just a word of advice. Don’t choose swords as the weapon of honor.)

1 If you go, do not ask Jules Beutler the winner for a selfie. If you do, at best, it’ll happen before he knows what is up. At worst, the police will think you are holding a gun and come get you. (Why on Earth would you take a selfie anyway, Jarrel. Just pulling out that camera phone causes riots in this time zone.)