The inspiration for this post came as a result of thinking hard about the Top Tens that have already been done. Since history was a little less funny this week I decided to do this since it hasn’t been done before.
Top Ten Things Not to Do in an Elevator
10 If you are in an elevator after inspecting the inspection document, do not mention that the inspection date is overdue. If you do, at best you have already reached the ground floor. At worst, you are on an express that has 50 levels to go. (Well, you lucked out, Jack. No one on the elevator has a bucket of tar and a feather pillow.)
9 If you are on an elevator, do not stand too close to Tiny the WWF champ. If you do, at best Tiny is bust worrying about the creaking cable. At worst, Tiny, who just left his OCD workshop, has decided his personal space needs to be enlarged. (Yes, Jeremy Tiny is suggesting that you get off at the next stop. I would take the hint which is far better than a full helicopter spin toss-off.)
8 If you are on an elevator, do not think of the big gulp soda you just had before getting on. If you do, at best, you only have a few floors. At worst, the downward motion of the elevator will give you a challenge. (It is not up to me to say, Joel but finishing your tour of the Empire Stae building with a 32 oz soda might not have been a genius move. Have faith only 100 floors to go. Yeah, that swishing sound does remind me of running water.)
7 If you are on an elevator, do not open that container of take out garlic chicken. If you do, at best everyone in the elevator has had garlic for lunch. At worst, your lunch will be a feature on the evening news. (That report about the hazmat emergency in your building was a source of embarrassment huh, Jesse? That photo of you being booked as a chemical warfare terrorist was especially unflattering. I don’t think orange is your color.)
6 If you are on an elevator, do not think you can make room for those giant packages from Ikea. If you do, at best everyone will get off. At worst, the four people who were bumped and bruised all have excellent lawyers. ( Might be more comfortable to settle out of court, Jeffrey. Those four plaintiffs have formed a class action suit against you. The one with the black eye seems the most unforgiving of all. The others not so much.)
5 If you are on an elevator, remind everyone that your pet lion is friendly. If you do, at best one or two may pet it. At worst, the first roar may cause a mass evacuation. ( And even a few might get off, Judah. Please give everyone else your card and the name of your cleaner.)
4 If you are on an elevator, do not hum a song. If you do, at best everyone has earbuds and won’t hear you. At worst, the occupants will consider you psychotic. (You must wonder why you only made it to the first stop, Jasper. The vigilantes declared you unfit for a further ride. Don’t worry, another will be along shortly. This time stay quiet.)
3 If you are on an elevator, do not look at anyone. If you do, at best they will be looking at their shoes and miss the connection. At worst, you’ll make eye contact with that big guy in the back. (Now you’ve done it, Jonah. That big guy needs to ask someone if they can spare $5.00 for a train ride back to Connecticut. All you have is a ten? Maybe he will make change.)
2 If you are on an elevator, do not continue your cell phone call. If you do, at best everyone will be interested in how you know Taylor Swift. At worst, the most annoyed may just take your phone from you. (I think if you ask nicely, they’ll give it back, Josh. Ooops my bad. Looks like you might need a new one.)
1 If you are on an elevator, do not practice emergency procedures in case the cables break. If you do, at best you’ll be tossed after thirty seconds. At worst, the rest of the occupants will start jumping up and down to try and time hitting bottom in the up position. (As luck would have it, Jaden the cable does break under the weight of twenty folks jumping up and down. Don’t worry, there is an automatic brake system. Well, there should be an automatic brake.)
