Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Gym

Top Ten Things Not to Do

 

This week in history had some pretty serious things going on, and not one was something I could mock without appearing disrespectful. (I guess Babe Ruth’s 60th home run in 1927 could be an exception, but I have already done a ballpark top ten) So, I have begun going to the gym again (after a broken kneecap), so I thought it would be fun to restate some things not to do if you go to a gym.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Gym

10 If you go to the gym, do not wear your workboots on the treadmill. If you do, at best, they are clean. At worst, these are the same boots you wore to the barn cleaning. (Well now you’ve done it, Jabari. You’ve caked the ellipsis with old Dobber’s straw and poop. I think this might be the last day of your membership.)

9 If you go to the gym, do not point out to Tiny the WWF champ the  “Do Not Drop Barbells” sign. If you do, at best he’ll think you are pointing to the water fountain. At worst, Tiny, who just left his narcissist support group, will wonder why you are so rude as to ask him to follow the rules. ( Tiny has a way to handle what he thinks are nasty folks, Jabbar. He takes them for a helicopter spin and body drop, which only hurts for a little while.)

8 If you go to the gym, do not aks the guy who has three hundred pounds pressed overhead for the time. If you do, at best, he will have a sense of humor. At worst, you will break the lifter’s concentration. (Nice going, Jabir. You and he are now in the basement after the drop of the weights took you both through the floor. I would suggest you get up and get out quickly before he comes to.)

7 If you go to the gym, do not forget to wipe off any of the equipment that you sweated up. If you do, at best someone else will do it. At worst, a committee will form to convince you to begin. (Don’t look now, Jaccob but the committee is armed with spray disinfectant, and I think you may be the machine they intend to wipe down.)

6 If you go to the gym, do not carry on a cellphone conversation while working out. If you do, at best, the place will be empty. At worst, those around you want you to die. ( As a second choice, Jacinto you will be able to find your phone in the ten-foot end of the pool.)

5 If you go to the gym, do not finish that hero sandwich while riding the stationary bike. If you do, at best you only had two bites left. At worst, once you really got going the crumbs, lettuce and onion bits are blown everywhere. ( What a sight, Jacky. You look like a confetti machine on New Year’s Eve. Now go get a vacuum machine and clean this stuff up.)

4 If you go to the gym, do not think that wife-beater t-shirt that says “People Suck,” is appropriate exercise wear. If you do, at best, you’ll be totally ignored. At worse, the biggest guy in the gym walks over and says, “I’m a people.” (Well now, Jacobson you have a choice. Fight or flee. I would suggest the latter thank you.)

3 If you go to the gym, do not moan out loud with each lift of the weights. If you do, at best everyone will be listening to music. At worst, everyone will be making faces behind your back. (I hope you are happy, Jacoby. There is an entire mime show going on behind you to the delight of the performers.)

2 If you go to the gym, do not keep wearing the same unwashed exercise clothes. If you do, at best no one is near you. At worst, people keep wondering aloud who is hiding the Limburger cheese. (Normally you wouldn’t care, Jacquin but the pack of dogs following you are becoming a pain.)

1 If you go to the gym, do not work the New York Times crossword puzzle while on the treadmill. If you do, at best, your no hands workout is an accomplishment. At worst, your attempt at no hands treadmill work is a disaster. ( Don’t worry, Jacquelin no one laughed when you went teacart over teacups at the end of the treadmill. Well, almost no one. Okay everyone but the guy eating the hero laughed.)

65 comments

  1. Oh my gosh! You had me cracking up from the start, John. This was great! Happy Monday!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks, Jill. Have a good one as well

      Liked by 1 person

  2. So funny. Thanks for the giggles, John. Have a good week 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Harmony. You as well. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve heard a few people gripe about what goes on at their gyms, and believe me — if their reports are true, you nailed it with this one.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It is true. Thanks, Linda

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  4. Funny Stuff! Moving back to Arizona…will touch base with you in a few days. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Good luck on the move. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

      1. As fate would have it, the buyers did not qualify – after all the weeks of waiting…back to the ‘starting gate’! ‘Glum Chum!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Damn. You have to get some high rollers to come by. Sorry about that.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I go to the gym 3x a week and brother can I relate to some of these!!
    I want to tell cell phone users to get off the machine I want and sit in the lobby to end your conversation!
    I have taken to wiping down every machine I start to use – not just afterward because too many are busy on their cell phones and can’t bother to wipe their own sweat off!
    We don’t have too many dropping their weights, but we do have guys strutting their stuff carrying their weights around the room and wearing tight workout gear to showoff their muscles – jeez, have they no pity on us old folks?!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. The saving grace here is they will be where you are someday. Thanks, GP.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Haha, revenge is sweet!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes. Bad knees and all.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Hilarious! A thigh-slapper, each and every one!!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. #10 – Swear to God…I saw a guy at the gym with boots on. Like cowboy boots. Up to the knees. I’m not sure if that was his “cool” outfit or he forgot his athletic shoes.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I could see that. The worse I saw was a guy in yellow construction boots and what looked like a speedo. Thought it was one of the Village People​.

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      1. LOL. I think I would have needed brain bleach for the speedo.

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      2. That scores very high on the Eww-o-Meter. Pass that brain bleach, please.

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  8. All the more reason to avoid such places. Far too dangerous.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes. Not to mention there are people there.

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      1. With their staring, judgmental eyes.

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Ha! This one is great, John. I haven’t been to a gym in a long time. We have two pieces of equipment at home, so only my wife gets to laugh and complain about the crumbs. I thnk I’d be safe with your rules, but given the cast of characters, I wouldn’t want to risk it.

    I was in Physical Therapy for several weeks on two different occasions. They had a rule about cell phones. If you are using your phone, the PT will skip you, but you will still be charged for the session. They enforced that on two different people, and there was no argument. The lead PT has a Tiny-like attitude.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I wish there was a bucket of water rule. Use your phone as long as it is underwater​.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That would be a good rule.

        Liked by 1 person

  10. I avoid the gym at all costs.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Let’s hope there is no cost.😊

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Lol! Congrats on hitting the gym, John! Great advice here!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Congrats on going to the gym to mend, John! That said, I can attest that you’re spot on with this post. Well, I can’t attest personally, as I avoid public exercise like the plague it is, but the Domer can attest and I believe him. The food, the music, the annoying people … all too true. Hang in there! Maybe you’d prefer to invest in a nice treadmill for your new home??

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I see and hear so much of #3, #6, and #7. Thanks for the laugh, John!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. This brings back memories of when I had a gym membership. To give you some idea, it was during the early stages of the W administration.

    You clearly understand gym life, Sheriff.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Oh man! You have brought me back to the gym where I have met every single one of those described above! I think the worst is the loud groaner every time he lifts the weights. Really, Joe? You want us to look at how strong you are? What a maroon…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh, and Boss? When the hell do you have time to go to the gym?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah, I hear you but I do. I didn’t mention it but I don’t sleep. 😁 I do sleep that was a lie. I just make time is all.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. The groaner makes me never to want to have sex again. That sound is way too annoying.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. They are so awful.

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  16. Gwen M. Plano · ·

    This is one of your best, John. I laughed all the way through the list. Thank you, my friend! 😀

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Gwen. It was fun to do as well

      Liked by 1 person

  17. D.L. Finn, Author · ·

    Great list for the gym, John:)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Denise.

      Liked by 1 person

  18. I love the word “IF” …in your post 🙂 because right now – I simply don’t go to the gym 😭😭 – #badplanning #lazyRay

    Liked by 2 people

    1. To each his/her own. Yes If is a good word.

      Liked by 1 person

  19. Laugh out loud funny, John. For me going to the gym is strictly a spectator sport. As long as my blood pressure can handle it.😎

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Glad you enjoyed it. Soooz

      Liked by 1 person

  20. #11. Do not sit in your car in the gym parking lot reading blogs for a good 30 minutes before heading into the gym as a way to avoid going to the gym (like I’m doing now). Best case: the gym could get a little emptier so there’s no line for the cardio machines. Worst case: you’re being judged pretty hard by everyone who walked by your car. They probably timed you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I have done this more times than I can count. I was hunched over my phone and someone knocked on the window to see if I was alive. Thanks for the visit and comment, Crissi.

      Liked by 1 person

  21. Great list, John! I do go to the gym and every one of these is spot-on 🙂 #3 is my biggest pet peeve at the gym. Some guys groan so loud I want to shout at them to “Get a room!” But, of course, I don’t because they are usually very big guys 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ha haha. “Get a room.” Terrific. Marie.

      Liked by 1 person

  22. Dear John, good luck with sport activity! May new Olympic games be with you!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Maria. I’ll wear your colors.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Always at your service, dear John! Oh, that’s very kind of you! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  23. Hilarious!!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Jennie.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome, John.

        Liked by 1 person

  24. Sorry about your knee. (By the way, how’d you break it?) Anyway, me and gyms don’t git along. They do their thing and I do mine and never the twain shall meet … or something like that.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It was the kneecap on my replaced knee. I twisted wrong while trimming trees and it snapped.

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    1. Thank you, Kalib.

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