
This post was published on March 26th, 2018. Since four-hour trips still happen, perhaps it will be useful.
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Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Four-Hour Car Trip Alone
This list was inspired by my recent four-hour one-way trip to Galveston. I had to keep reminding myself to avoid these things, which I managed to do.
10 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not decide to set up a new playlist on Spotify while driving. If you do, at best, you’ll take a wrong turn. At worst, you’ll get pulled over by a small-town police officer who thinks you are texting and driving. (Lucky the officer is a Dead Head and let you go after a twice run-through of “Keep on Truckin,” huh, Dawud?)
9 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not pick up hitchhikers. If you do, at best, they will be a traveling preacher. At worst, you’ll pick up Tiny, the WWF champ, who has just jogged for ten miles and tells you he thinks he needs a shower. (What gave you a clue, Daylin? Maybe the steamed-up windows or the fact that your air freshener exploded?)
8 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not continue to update the GPS system looking for a shorter route.. If you do, at best, you’ll end up at a dead-end street. At worst, after four hours, the system will route you to a point where you realize you are one state over from your destination. (Best to keep your hands off the system, Dearborn. Maybe it is time to deal with those trust issues.)
7 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not think you must pass every car on the road. If you do, at best, you get stuck behind a slow-moving truck and pass through a speed trap ten miles under the limit. At worst, you’ll find yourself in the oncoming lane with someone at your side who has the same objective. (Is he actually wearing a death’s-head mask, Declan? Maybe you better hit the brake and get back in your lane. I know, tough decision.)
6 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not decide to do e-mails on your phone. If you do, at best, you’ll trash the most important. At worst, you will get so engrossed that you miss the road closed sign. (Looks like you are buried in mud, Delany. Hope you have Triple-A.)
5 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not try to stay alert with copious amounts of caffeine. If you do, at best, there will be plenty of rest areas. At worst, you didn’t pay attention to the sign Last Rest Area for 100 Miles, and now you are sweating like an overworked racehorse. (Even the descriptor of racehorse brings up increased tension, Delmar. Why is all the land around you flat and lacking vegetation?)
4 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not start singing and using stage gestures along with the show tune on the radio. If you do, at best, those going the opposite way won’t call the State Police to report a crazy person behind the wheel. At worst, they will. (You passed the touch-nose test, Demitri. Now, let’s see how that straight-line walking goes.)
3 If you are alone on a long trip, do not think you are safe going nine miles an hour over the speed limit. If you do, at best, you won’t see any police. At worst, you will meet a friendly State Trooper who writes up everyone who is five miles per hour over the limit. (The nice part about being caught in a small town is the folks in jail are very friendly, Derby.)
2 If you are alone on a long trip, do not think you can drive and let your mind wander at the same time. If you do, at best, the rumble strips will pop you back to reality. At worst, you’ll have just solved that plot conundrum at the same time you end up in a ditch. (The sad thing is that solution flew out your very broken window when you rolled the car, Deron.)
1 If you are alone on a long trip or any trip, do not text and drive. If you do, at best, there will be no consequences. At worst, you might be in a position to regret your actions for the rest of your life, Derry.
















































