10 On the day after Christmas, do venture out to return gifts. If you do, at best due to the lines you will get to return three in eight hours. At worse, you will encounter conditions much like warfare and require treatment for PGRTS. (Post Gift Return Traumatic Syndrome is nothing to take lightly Buford.)

9 On the day after Christmas, do not watch a bowl game. If you do, at best, it won’t keep you awake. At worst, the two teams will be so bad you will totally regret the time spent watching. (You never realized a schedule made up entirely six loss teams could be so boring did you Bunky. Bunky? You awake?)

8 On the day after Christmas, do not go out to dinner. If you do, at best you will avoid ptomaine poisoning. At worst, you will be eating in a place where all the full-time help have been given the day off, and the only thing on the menu is chipped beef on toast. (You didn’t know that tonight’s chef  typically works in prison did you, Roy?)

7 On the day after Christmas, do not decide to take in a movie. If you do, at best you’ll finally get into the midnight show. At worst, you will be jammed into a theater with 300 victims of swine flu. (Didn’t all that coughing give you a hint Wilbur?)

6 On the day after Christmas, do not fall for the Day After Christmas sale. If you do, at best you’ll find something cheaper than what you paid for Aunt Millie’s gift. At worst, you will find your hand on the same item as the WWF champ Tiny. (Tiny is growling. In one more second he will be doing his death match biting routine. I would let go now.)

5 On the day after Christmas, do not get on a ladder to fix that burned out light in the blinking string. If you do, at best you may cause the whole series to go out. At worst, you might do your Olympic swan dive with a degree of difficulty of 4.6 and get an EMS score of 10. (Why was it easier to put them up there? Oh yeah, you did them ten years ago when you were still under 65.)

4 On the day after Christmas, do not ask for a special menu that does not include leftovers. If you do, at best you might be wearing your dinner. At worst, you might have the time to be wondering why you never put heat in the dog house. ( Not much room after Bowser take his spot is there Ferd?)

3 On the day after Christmas, do not think you can avoid fixing all the high-quality toys that took the kids three minutes to break. If you do, at best the damage will increase. At worst, you may have to suffer from the din of dissatisfied kids. (You do know they do that on purpose don’t you Ralph?)

2 On the day after Christmas, do not bother everyone with that new video camera you received. If you do, at best you may be told to leave the house and go record birds or something. At worst, your camera will be confiscated and only eligible for return after New Year’s day. (Why on Earth did you get a gift that no one wants to enjoy with you? Maybe it was the one hundred hints that drove the decision.)

1 On the day after Christmas, do not try to make up for the lousy gifts you gave everyone. If you do, at best it will cost way more than you have. At worst, your efforts will not be appreciated and will serve as the basis for lessons to your children. (Next year start shopping before December 24th Oliver.)