Top Ten Things Not to Do the Day After Christmas

Day After Christmas

 

10 On the day after Christmas, do venture out to return gifts. If you do, at best due to the lines you will get to return three in eight hours. At worse, you will encounter conditions much like warfare and require treatment for PGRTS. (Post Gift Return Traumatic Syndrome is nothing to take lightly Buford.)

9 On the day after Christmas, do not watch a bowl game. If you do, at best, it won’t keep you awake. At worst, the two teams will be so bad you will totally regret the time spent watching. (You never realized a schedule made up entirely six loss teams could be so boring did you Bunky. Bunky? You awake?)

8 On the day after Christmas, do not go out to dinner. If you do, at best you will avoid ptomaine poisoning. At worst, you will be eating in a place where all the full-time help have been given the day off, and the only thing on the menuΒ is chipped beef on toast. (You didn’t know that tonight’s chef Β typically works in prison did you, Roy?)

7 On the day after Christmas, do not decide to take in a movie. If you do, at best you’ll finally get into the midnight show. At worst, you will be jammed into a theater with 300 victims of swine flu. (Didn’t all that coughing give you a hint Wilbur?)

6 On the day after Christmas, do not fall for the Day After Christmas sale. If you do, at best you’ll find something cheaper than what you paid for Aunt Millie’s gift. At worst, you will find your hand on the same item as the WWF champ Tiny. (Tiny is growling. In one more second he will be doing his death match biting routine. I would let go now.)

5 On the day after Christmas, do not get on a ladder to fix that burned out light in the blinking string. If you do, at best you may cause the whole series to go out. At worst, you might do your Olympic swan dive with a degree of difficulty of 4.6 and get an EMS score of 10. (Why was it easier to put them up there? Oh yeah, you did them ten years ago when you were still under 65.)

4 On the day after Christmas, do not ask for a special menu that does not include leftovers. If you do, at best you might be wearing your dinner. At worst, you might have the time to be wondering why you never put heat in the dog house. ( Not much room after Bowser take his spot is there Ferd?)

3 On the day after Christmas, do not think you can avoid fixing all the high-quality toys that took the kids three minutes to break. If you do, at best the damage will increase. At worst, you may have to suffer from the din of dissatisfied kids. (You do know they do that on purpose don’t you Ralph?)

2 On the day after Christmas, do not bother everyone with that new video camera you received. If you do, at best you may be told to leave the house and go record birds or something. At worst, your camera will be confiscated and only eligible for return after New Year’s day. (Why on Earth did you get a gift that no one wants to enjoy with you? MaybeΒ it was the one hundred hints that drove the decision.)

1 On the day after Christmas, do not try to make up for the lousy gifts you gave everyone. If you do, at best it will cost way more than you have. At worst, your efforts will not be appreciated and will serve as the basis for lessons to your children. (Next year start shopping before December 24th Oliver.)

36 comments

  1. Gwen Plano · ·

    Hilarious as always, John. PGRTS? too funny…….

    1. Thanks, Gwen. πŸ™‚

  2. Loved number five, John…LOL! I’m staying far away from the mall today. I hope you and your family had a wonderful Christmas.

    1. Thanks, Jill. I hope yours was good as well. We had the best time. πŸ™‚

  3. Hmmm. So that leaves staying in bed and avoiding other humans as the only option. I can support that.

    1. I think you hit the nail on the head. πŸ™‚

  4. A very true list, John. LOL. December 26th… aka the zombie apocalypse. πŸ˜€ Have a marvelous Monday. Mega hugs.

    1. Ha ha ha. Thanks, Teagan. Hopeful Monday to you. πŸ™‚

  5. Great list, John. I’m going to relax with leftovers and adult beverages. #9 is good, but 3 days after Christmas, it’s ok to watch a bowl game (WVU).

    1. I wood think WVU is good to watch anytime. Thanks, Dan. πŸ™‚

      1. I have to work Wednesday, but Pitt plays at 2:00 and WVU at 7:00. I told my wife that I might have to stop for some takeout on the way home from work and that it might not be ready until the Pinstripe bowl is over πŸ™‚

      2. I will be watching WVU. Pitt not so much.

      3. Understood. I went to both, so

  6. I love the guy who’s left his lights up for 10 years. They did fairly well if only one bulb went out. If I had my hand on something Tiny wanted, I’d retract it and fade into the crowd ASAP. Good post, John. πŸ˜€ — Suzanne

    1. Thanks, Suzanne. Glad you liked it. πŸ™‚

  7. Ain’t that the truth? Gotta lurve the holidays…! πŸ˜‰

    1. You do have to love them. (The Holidays that is) πŸ™‚

  8. Another great list, good sir! Today is Boxing Day in Canada – BIG sales! We used to take our kids to the Eaton’s Centre in Toronto on Boxing Day so they could spend their Christmas cash. The crowds were unbelievable! Where were you when I needed you? Nobody told me…

    1. Thanks, John. I wish I could have helped.

  9. We hit the hills and trails and stayed as far away from shopping centers as we could. We did stop for a deli sandwich after our hike though at our neighborhood deli. Thankfully, the line wasn’t too deep and sandwiches as good as always.

    1. I used to love the sandwiches at an Italian deli on Lombard street near the marina. Long gone I’m sure. πŸ™‚

      1. My newest favorite restaurant in the city is Park Chow down by Golden Gate Park. I don’t have a favorite deli in the city. I don’t get up there enough to have one really.

      2. The name Park Chow sounds like it would be good.

      3. SO GOOD! And, they make an awesome virgin bloody Mary. πŸ™‚

      4. Hmmm. I like mine sinful.

  10. LOL … and Post Gift Return Traumatic Syndrome is definitely Obama’s fault … as would be if anyone tried any of the above.

    1. So true. Actually getting the wrong gift is Obama’s fault

      1. No question … or one you don’t like.

  11. Never go near the malls – if anything needs to be exchanged or returned, we wait a few days because of #10.

    1. Or just burn the stuff. πŸ˜€ Thanks, Teri

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