This week marks the anniversary of the world’s first telephone directory issued by the New Haven Connecticut Telephone Company containing the names of its 50 subscribers. Most of us are always interested in the release of a new book. This one is only one page but is the first of its kind, so we should go and see what it is all about. As usual, we need to take a list of things not to do to avoid the dreaded time continuum tear.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Issue of the First Telephone Book in 1878 by John W. Howell © 2020

10 If you are there, do not ask about a ‘do not call’ list. If you do, at best, folks will wonder what you mean. At worst, the publisher of the book will call you a radical communist. (After all, Kevin. Who doesn’t want to be called by their friends and neighbors? I think those guys with brass knuckles wish to talk with you.)

9 If you are there, do not try to take a second copy from Tiny, the WWF champ, who is also the distribution manager. If you do, at best, Tiny will gently remind you only one copy per customer. At worst, Tiny, who has skipped three anger management sessions and also his morning coffee, will demonstrate the law of gravity, and his ability to toss a 180-pound weight ten feet into the air. Yes, Kennith, you are about to go airborne.)

8 If you are there, do not describe the mayor out loud as having “More chins than the New Haven directory.” If you do, at best, you’ll be ignored. At worst, the Chin brothers want to talk to you. (Now you’ve done it, Khalil. The brothers think your comparison cast them in a bad light since they are not listed. It looks like a duel at sunrise is the only solution.)

7 If you are there, do not ask how you can get an anonymous listing. If you do, at best, the crowd will merely wonder about your point. At worst, the idea will spread, and the phonebook will be dead before it begins. (The phone company management wants to see you in private, Kurt. I don’t think they are going to offer you a bonus for your brilliant idea.)

6 If you are there, do not ask why there are no numbers and just names. If you do, at best, your question will demonstrate your lack of knowledge about how the phone works. (there are no direct dialing methods, Kenny. You pick up the phone and ask for a person by name. This will be explained to you in the basement of the phone company office. Oh yes, there will be a water board to help you remember where you came from.)

5 If you are there, do not try to spend more than three minutes on a single call. If you do, at best, you will be gently reminded of the rules. At worst, the phone police will suspend your call privileges. (It appears that you missed the provisions of the phone company, Kareem. Customers are limited to three minutes per call, and no more than two calls an hour without permission from the central office. It looks like Geraldine is in charge. Good luck in getting your privilege back.)

4 If you are there, do not begin talking without the company’s proscribed greeting of ‘hulloa.’ If you do, at best, no one else will be on the line. At worst, there will be others on the line, and everyone will be talking at once. (Nice going, Karl. You have now created the first mob scene in telecommunications history. Also saying ‘y’all shut up” hasn’t helped.)

3 If you are there, do not think your phone is missing a part. If you do, at best, someone will explain that the talk and listen function is in one piece. At worst, you’ll be ignored, and you will miss half of the conversation. (You are supposed to say ‘That is all,” when you are finished, Klaus. You then switch the receiver quickly to your ear to listen. There is a big guy heading your way to take that instrument away from you. Let him have it.)

2 If you are there, do not say anything you don’t want fifty people to hear. If you do, at best, what you say is insignificant. At worst, calling the doctor and talking about what is bothering you will be around town in three minutes. (Yeah, Kiefer. Everyone is avoiding you. They are wondering about that rash you described to Doctor Thompson. Maybe you could have used a code word for ‘down there.’)

1 If you are there, do not try to place a collect call. If you do, at best, the operator will laugh. At worst, the police will be notified since you have not paid your subscription fee. ( The price is $22 a year, Kurtis, and there is no such thing as a payphone. I think you have disrupted not only the phone company but time as well.)