This Top Ten list of what not to do continues with a historical backdrop. On December 24th, 1818 the Christmas carol “Silent Night” composed by Franz Xaver Gruber was first sung at St Nicholas parish church in Oberndorf, Austria. If you time travel there here is a list that might keep you from making a mistake and prepare you for a Merry Christmas.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Singing of Silent Night in 1818 by John W. Howell © 2018

10 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not sing off-key. If you do, at best the crowd will cover you up. At worst, the choir director will call a couple of big guys and have you removed. (We know you love to sing, Gerrald. You just have to sing more quietly.)

9  If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not try to avoid making a contribution in the collection plate being passed by Tiny the WWF champ. If you do, at best Tiny won’t notice. At worst, Tiny who has just promised 10% of his earnings to the church, will take offense. (Being held upside down and shaken until the coins fall is not the best thing, Gerritt. Sure beats a windmill body slam though.)

8 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not wear your “Happy Birthday JC,” Christmas sweater. If you do, at best most will not understand the message. At worst, a six foot seven Knight of the Templer will take it upon himself to eliminate your sweater ( I think I would offer to take the garment off and do some kind of penance, Giacomo. Otherwise, he is going to keep applying pressure to your head.)

7 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not arrive late for the service. If you do, at best there will be a seat in the back pew. At worst, you will be directed to the front bench. (While you are taking that long walk, Gibson the director is holding his baton in mid-air waiting for you to reach your seat. Good thing you wore a red scarf. Your face matches it correctly.)

6 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not think you know the words and avoid using the hymnal. If you do, at best you’ll only be noticed by a few. At worst, the entire congregation will be nudging each other and pointing as you get most wrong. ( You can almost feel the mocking, can’t you, Gille? Wait until you turn around to leave.)

5 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not fall asleep during the sermon. If you so, at best only the priest will know. At worst, your snoring is the subject of more than a few giggles. (Sadly, the priest decides to use you as an example of the sinning world. Oh, and don’t compliment the priest on his sermon on the way out, Gimle)

4 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not finish that 32-ounce tankard before you arrive at the service. If you do, at best the service will be short. At worst, the service turns into the highest mass with the most ritual possible. (After the first hour you are now beginning to openly sweat, Girisha. I would pray harder for mercy.)

3 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not wear your Long Live France t-shirt. If you do, at best most will not remember the War of the Seventh Coalition in 1815. At worst, most of the congregation are veterans of the war. (It looks like you have hit a sore point, Guiliano. I think you might want to exit through the side door.)

2 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not go a-wassailing for too many wassails before the service. If you do, at best the cold night air will straighten you out. At worst, you’ll accidentally do a header into the pew in front of you. (I know you just meant to bow your head, Gleipnif. Try telling that to the spinster on whom you are laying.)

1  If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not try to sneak out without shaking the priest’s hand. If you do, at best the side door will be unlocked. At worse, you choose the wrong door and realize you are now in the priest’s vestment room. (Funny how that door locked behind you, Godfrey. You will now have the pleasure of explaining precisely what you are doing here once the priest is finished shaking hands.)