This post continues the Top Ten Not to Do list with a historical background. Scholars widely assert that November 25th is the anniversary of the beginning of the great flood in 2348 BC. Pretend you were there and here is a list that will keep you out of trouble.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Great Flood of 2348 BC.

10 In the time of the great flood, do not mock Noah’s boat building so far from water. If you do, at best he won’t hear you. At worst, after forty days and nights of rain, you are going to wish you never had. (Good luck on treading water for a few months, Gregory. Those boat jokes seem a little lame now don’t they?)

9 In the time of the great flood, do not offer Tiny the  WWF champ some help with that rhinoceros. If you do, at best he’ll pass on the assist. At worst, Tiny who has just finished his group session on self-esteem will believe you think he is incapable of loading that snorting beast into the Ark. (Now you have to worry about a loose rhinoceros and soothing Tiny’s feelings, Giovanni. I think the rhino might be an easier task.)

7 In the time of the great flood, do not ask Noah about who is playing in the show lounge. If you do, at best Noah will think you are joking. At worst, Noah will realize you think the whole boat thingy is a Carnival cruise. (I suppose you should feel grateful Noah allows you to ride in the dinghy, Graham. He could have just tossed you overboard.)

6 In the time of the great flood, do not start singing the Unicorn Song. If you do, at best Noah will think it cute. At worst, since Noah was not able to get the unicorns on board, he’ll feel bad. (Don’t forget Noah is 600 years old, Gilbert. He probably never heard of the Irish Rovers and now you are in the brig on bread and water.)

5 In the time of the great flood, do not smack a pesky mosquito. If you do, at best it will recover. At worst, you just killed one of the two on board. (Although it seems like you have done a service to humanity, Gustavo, Noah is going to be plenty pissed since he was supposed to have two of everything. I would lay low if I were you.)

4 In the time of the great flood, do not try to bring more than one carry-on bag on the Ark. If you do, at best the second bag will be floating. At worst, you’ll be caught, and Captain Noah will allow the bags to ride but toss you off. ( I don’t think the punishment is too harsh, Gustavo. What is every being brought two suitcases?)

3 In the time of the great flood, do not try to water ski off the back of the Ark. If you do, at best you won’t lose your grip on the rope. At worst, the Ark is not going fast enough, and you’ll sink like a stone. (It doesn’t do much good to signal for help, Gerard. That giraffe has no idea what you mean.)

2 In the time of the great flood, do not ask Noah for a turn at the tiller. If you do, at best he will turn you down flat. At worst, he will give you a spin. ( The fact that you don’t know North from South is not going to play well here, Gabe. Lucky the mountain tops are fourteen cubits under the water. What’s a cubit you ask? Go look it up.)

1 In the time of the great flood, when Noah asks you to release a dove, do not release that duck. If you do, at best the duck will come back. At worst, the duck will be able to float, so there is no need to return to the Ark. ( Noah is now asking you about how to determine if the waters have receded. “Wait until you see land,” is not the answer he is looking for, Gideon. Those water wings should help keep you up until you sight land. By the way that shark following you has not eaten for a couple of weeks.)

This post continues the historical backdrop for the Top Ten Things Not to Do. Yesterday was the anniversary of William Tell purportedly shooting the apple off his son’s head in 1307. If you were there at the time, there are ten things that you should take care not to do.

10 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not sneeze at the critical point when he takes aim. If you do, at best William will bless you with a Gesundheit. At worst, your sneeze will throw him off, and you will be the next in line for the apple shot. (Lucky for you he missed his son’s head, Flavien. Now it is your turn, and William looks very angry.)

9 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ to stand in for you. If you do, at best Tiny will eat your apple. At worst, Tiny who just left his veterans of the apple shot near miss support group will be traumatized by the offer. (Tiny works out his trauma by doing body slams, Florian. I think you better start looking for a soft place to land.

8 At William Tell’s archery challenge do not start humming the William Tell Overture. If you do, at best someone will like the tune. At worst, you may be accused of being a warlock since Rossini did not write it until 1829. (A couple of dips in the dunking chair will help clear that music out of your head, Florian. Can’t imagine why you would give in to an earworm anyway.)

7 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not fail to bow in respect to the hat that the newly appointed Austrian Vogt, Albrecht Gessler, has placed on a pole. If you do, at best no one will see you not bow. At worst, you will be arrested for not doing the same thing William Tell did not do. ( I hope you know how to shoot a crossbow, Fonzo. It looks like you have to hit a crabapple off of Tiny’s head. If you miss Tiny is going to be very upset. Especially if you hit him.)

6 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not wear your Austrians Suck t-shirt. If you do, at best the Austrians will think you are joking. At worst, the Austrians will think you are a leader of the Swiss independence movement. (Now you’ve done it, Forseti. The next time you see daylight, it will be at your hanging. Enjoy the brief view.)

5 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not open a stand and begin selling swiss chocolate. If you do, at best the Austrians will like the chocolate. At worst, your chocolate will be declared contraband and you a revolutionary. ( I told you to stick with Speckknödel, Francesco. Now look at the fine kettle of fish you’ve gotten yourself into.)

4 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not ask William for his autograph. If you do, at best he will blow you off. At worst he might give you to the count of five to see if you can outrun a crossbow bolt. (Don’t forget, Frandscus, William just shot the apple off his son’s head. I don’t think he thinks of himself as a hero.)

3 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not offer William a contract to take his apple shooting show on the road. If you do, at best William will be in a good mood and ignore you. At worst, William will sign the agreement with the understanding that you will have the apple on your head. (Well a contract is a contract, Frannsaidh. Looks like you are signed up for a thirty city tour or one depending.)

2 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not start selling T-Shirts that say I’m the Apple of my Daddy’s Eye. If you do, at best William won’t see them. At worst, William’s sense of humor will have hit an all-time low and your T-shirts pushed him over the edge. (Looks like those shirts are going to make a nice bonfire, Franziskus.)

1 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not start taking odds on whether William will hit the apple or his son. If you do, at best no one will tell him. At worst, William will find out what your activities and come looking for you. (I would stay under that table, Frazier. I don’t think you want to explain yourself right now.)