Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Great Flood of 2348 BC

~ John W. Howell

 

 

This post continues the Top Ten Not to Do list with a historical background. Scholars widely assert that November 25th is the anniversary of the beginning of the great flood in 2348 BC. Pretend you were there and here is a list that will keep you out of trouble.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Great Flood of 2348 BC.

10 In the time of the great flood, do not mock Noah’s boat building so far from water. If you do, at best he won’t hear you. At worst, after forty days and nights of rain, you are going to wish you never had. (Good luck on treading water for a few months, Gregory. Those boat jokes seem a little lame now don’t they?)

9 In the time of the great flood, do not offer Tiny the  WWF champ some help with that rhinoceros. If you do, at best he’ll pass on the assist. At worst, Tiny who has just finished his group session on self-esteem will believe you think he is incapable of loading that snorting beast into the Ark. (Now you have to worry about a loose rhinoceros and soothing Tiny’s feelings, Giovanni. I think the rhino might be an easier task.)

7 In the time of the great flood, do not ask Noah about who is playing in the show lounge. If you do, at best Noah will think you are joking. At worst, Noah will realize you think the whole boat thingy is a Carnival cruise. (I suppose you should feel grateful Noah allows you to ride in the dinghy, Graham. He could have just tossed you overboard.)

6 In the time of the great flood, do not start singing the Unicorn Song. If you do, at best Noah will think it cute. At worst, since Noah was not able to get the unicorns on board, he’ll feel bad. (Don’t forget Noah is 600 years old, Gilbert. He probably never heard of the Irish Rovers and now you are in the brig on bread and water.)

5 In the time of the great flood, do not smack a pesky mosquito. If you do, at best it will recover. At worst, you just killed one of the two on board. (Although it seems like you have done a service to humanity, Gustavo, Noah is going to be plenty pissed since he was supposed to have two of everything. I would lay low if I were you.)

4 In the time of the great flood, do not try to bring more than one carry-on bag on the Ark. If you do, at best the second bag will be floating. At worst, you’ll be caught, and Captain Noah will allow the bags to ride but toss you off. ( I don’t think the punishment is too harsh, Gustavo. What is every being brought two suitcases?)

3 In the time of the great flood, do not try to water ski off the back of the Ark. If you do, at best you won’t lose your grip on the rope. At worst, the Ark is not going fast enough, and you’ll sink like a stone. (It doesn’t do much good to signal for help, Gerard. That giraffe has no idea what you mean.)

2 In the time of the great flood, do not ask Noah for a turn at the tiller. If you do, at best he will turn you down flat. At worst, he will give you a spin. ( The fact that you don’t know North from South is not going to play well here, Gabe. Lucky the mountain tops are fourteen cubits under the water. What’s a cubit you ask? Go look it up.)

1 In the time of the great flood, when Noah asks you to release a dove, do not release that duck. If you do, at best the duck will come back. At worst, the duck will be able to float, so there is no need to return to the Ark. ( Noah is now asking you about how to determine if the waters have receded. “Wait until you see land,” is not the answer he is looking for, Gideon. Those water wings should help keep you up until you sight land. By the way that shark following you has not eaten for a couple of weeks.)

55 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Great Flood of 2348 BC”

  5. Number One reminds me that, on my first offshore voyage (a story unto itself) I was the one given the responsibility of sighting Port Aransas. It would have been a lot easier for Noah if he’d been able to call out, “Condo Ho!”

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  9. One of your best lists, John. I loved the mosquito story. Of course, the trailing shark made me smile. How could there be a Howell story without terror? 😀

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  10. But I swear, my bag fit inside that framework thing. You guys must have overbooked. What’s the wifi password? But there are two bulldogs, a male and a female. Can I get a cabin away from the parrots? Do you offer turn-down service? You do realize I post reviews on Yelp, don’t you?

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    1. Yes sir. We have a special room for you up top. You will be able to see everything and might be the first to sight land. We are sorry that the nest has no heat but our engineering department is working on that right now. The pengun will show you to your room. 😀

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  13. Just when I thought you couldn’t get any funnier!! If I can only take carry on, I’m not going. I’ll stay back with the silly unicorns. Love the Irish Rovers, great guys.

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  21. Water skiing and water wings? Yep, I’d bought my water wings onboard, but do they count as extra baggage? And what about my inflatable crocodile and inflatable dartboard? We gotta have some fun on the ark, yeah, John? 😀

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  23. Boss,

    The unicorns didn’t make it onto Noah’s ride, which makes it all the more remarkable that they’re still around today.

    And I think Flo and the Machine would have played in the Show Lounge of Noah’s Ark, if you think about it . . .

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