Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Have a Sitter

July 16, 2018July 16, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 60 Comments

The inspiration for this list was a discussion about Alexa and what would happen if one asked Alexa remotely to turn on the lights and music while a sitter was in the house. That was just the priming of the pump I needed to develop Ten Things.

10 If you have a sitter, do not say, “Help yourself to anything in the fridge.” If you do, at best the sitter will be on a diet. At worst, that weeks worth of shopping that you just put in the fridge will need to be replaced tomorrow. (It is amazing how someone so small can put away that kind of food huh, Eaton?)

9 If you have a sitter, do not ask Alexa to turn on the lights and music from a remote location. If you do, at best the sitter will call the police. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ who was hired after the local minister said he needed a chance to be responsible, will knock out each wall with a lamp trying to protect the kids. (Well the joke is on you, Ed. Looks like your good deed did not go unpunished.)

8 If you have a sitter, do not let them invite their friends over. If you do, at best the police will be called early. At worst, you will be reading how the party that started at your house spread to a city-wide night of rampage. ( That bill for repairs looks like the national debt, Eddy.)

7 If you have a sitter, do not let them prepare dinner. If you do, at best 100% of your dishes will find their way to the sink. At worst, the fire department could not find a hydrant that worked and could only watch as your house became a vacant lot. (Lucky for you there is insurance. Oh, wait! Someone forgot to send in the premium, and the cancellation notice is in the former mailbox, Elton.)

6 If you have a sitter, do not let them use your computer. If you do, at best your data cap was reached in two hours, and now you have dial-up speed for the rest of the month. At worst, your computer picked up so many viri the tech at the computer store declared it a DOA. ( It is a shame that you never backed up that 100,000-word novel, Evander.)

5 If you have a sitter, do not let them choose a movie on pay-tv. If you do, at best they will fall asleep after only one selection. At worst, you receive your bill and note that the sitter selected twenty movies and only watched six minutes of each. (Well, Ever. The charges stick after five minutes. You never said, “Just pick one.”)

4 If you have a sitter, do not leave the liquor cabinet unlocked. If you do, at best your sitter is a teetotaler. At worst, unbeknownst to you, your sitter was just released from a twelve-step residency program. The array of bottles was just too much. (Well this is a fine mess. Not only is all your liquor gone but the sitter insists that you need to pay for another stay in the clinic. After all, Elwood. You were the one who left that temptation.)

3 If you have a sitter, do not leave your checkbook on the kitchen counter. If you, at best the pizza box will cover it. At worst, on the next statement, you’ll find that the sitter has given a self-issued generous tip. (Don’t try to find the sitter, Eadward. Russia has no extradition treaty with the US.)

2 If you have a sitter, do not tell your friends who it is. If you do, at best the sitter availability will be rare. At worst, you will be in a bidding war for the sitting service and will only quit when the sitter earns more than you. (You would like to make that kind of money wouldn’t you, Eamon?)

1 If you have a sitter, do not let your kids influence your choice. If you do, at best none of your rules will be followed. At worst, before you know it you have an additional member of the family, and now you have to get a new sitter. (At least all the kids get along, Eberhard.)

Views of the Neighborhood – Deep Sea Round-Up

July 15, 2018July 14, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments

The Deep Sea Round-Up is an annual fishing tournament held in Port Aransas and benefits scholarships for students and community youth activities. It is the 83rd annual

Of course, you need a T-shirt.

And a goofy picture.

The main stage with all the sponsors listed.

The neighborhood pirate ship.

Here is the leaderboard where the leading catches are recorded.

For Dan Antion, a crane used to replace floating docks.

When you come in from fishing, volunteers greet your boat.

They take your fish.

And weigh them. (This is a catfish)

And a trout.

Then your fish is put on the measuring board.

Where it is straightened out and measured.

Then the girth is measured with a tape.

Some kingfish being weighed.

A red snapper being weighed.

Then your fish are brought back to you.

A bucket of red snapper. I hope you enjoyed the view.

Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt – Any Three Letter Word

July 14, 2018July 13, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 53 Comments

Duh. It is Stream of Consciousness Saturday and this weeks prompt is “Any Three Letter Word.” Linda Hill says we can use any three-letter word. Also, extra credit is available if the start of the post (nailed it) and the end of the post is a three-letter word. If you would like to tease your brain and end up like most of us, then visit Linda’s blog and read how. Here is the link.

The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS July 14/18

“Duh? You call that a word?”

“Yes, that’s a word. Go ahead look it up.”

“Okay, I’ll give it to you, but I have to be honest.”

“About what?”

“I thought you would be more creative being an author and all.”

“Oh please. Duh is quite creative.”

“For a hack.”

“What did you call me?”

“Nothing. I was thinking of a carriage ride in the park.”

“Don’t change the subject. If you think duh is pedestrian what word would you use?”

“I think I would use words that have some action connected to them.”

“Like what?”

“Zap, zip, jog, zig, fix, pix, mix. Hey, this is fun.”

“Why don’t you do the post then.”

“I’m not the author. Look up there.”

“Where?”

“Up on the header. Who’s name is there.”

“Mine.”

“The prosecution rests. You need to do the post but come up with a better word.”

“Fine then. How about yak?”

“Been done by that Entertaining Stories guy.”

“Gin?”

“Now that has some possibilities. What do you have in mind?”

“Well, it could go something like this. A bat, ewe, cow, ape, and bee walk into a bar. The bartender asks what they would like to drink. They each order a gin. The bat wants his upside down. The ewe orders hers in a Fuzzy Navel. The cow wants hers in milk. The ape orders a banana gin fizz, and the bee a stinger.”

“Where is this going?”

“Hold on I’m getting to the end.”

“This is a three-minute read. I would hurry up.”

“So then the bartender makes a comment about how odd to see this kind of group hanging out.”

“Then the ape asks, ‘You got a problem with animals and insects?”‘

“The bartender says, ‘Not as long as they behave yourselves.”‘

“The ape then tells his friends to drink up.”

“Why did he do that?”

“He thought he caught the bartender in a lie.”

“OMG the dumbest story ever.”

“Don’t you get it? He thinks the bartender has some prejudice against animals and insects and he wants to leave as a protest.”

“Yeah, I got it. Still dumb. I gotta go.”

“It is a societal metaphor.”

“Excuse me, but it sucks. Bye.”

Friday JohnKu- AKA – TGIF

July 13, 2018July 12, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 40 Comments

Another work week into history. I hope yours was full of the accomplishments you laid out for yourself before its beginning. I have slowly returned to working on the WIP. My daughter was visiting for the Fourth of July holiday, and I didn’t get much writing done while she was here. I managed the blog and e-mails, but that was about it.

Feels good to get back at it. Today’s JohnKu talks about the lure of the manuscript. I hope you all have a great weekend.

Could write a hundred,

Maybe even a thousand. . .

If on WIP all’s good.

Thursday – A Little Personal – Twiggy Continues Learning

July 12, 2018July 11, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 72 Comments

“Hi, Bailey. What’s going on?”

“Hi, Pops. I was just wondering what Lucy and Twiggy are up to out there.”

“From here it looks like they are talking.”

“Talking? What about?”

“Hard to say, Bailey. You know Lucy has taken her role as big sister seriously. Why don’t you join them and see what they are saying?”

“Good idea.”

“Hey, you guys. Whatcha talkin’ about?

“Twiggy was asking about the birds and the bees.”

“OMG so soon?”

“Relax, Bailey. She was worried about the Pelicans.”

“You tell her they are just big fish eaters?”

“Yup. Man look at that flock.”

“Anyway, I also told her to beware of those big bees.”

“What are you looking at Twiggy?”

“I think I see a bee out there Bailey.”

“I don’t think so. That looks like a fly to me.”

“A fly? It’s a pretty big fly.”

“You guys should pay more attention to those flying things.”

“Relax Twiggy. That is a heron. He also eats fish. Not too many dog eaters around here.”

“Besides, little one. if someone came after you, they would have to get through Bailey and me first.”

“Aw. That is so comforting. I feel better about the wild things, Lucy.”

“Unless they had a treat to offer.”

“Lucy!”

“Just kidding Bailey. Just kidding.”

Wednesday Story Day – AKA – Hump Day

July 11, 2018July 10, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 54 Comments

Wednesday? I set my alarm for Friday. Come back on Friday

It is Wednesday Story Day again and last time (we skipped the last week for the Fourth of July) Andrew the M.E. and Larry the detective decided to head over to the M.E.’s office to check on the report Andrew says he wrote up on Sandusky’s death. Apparently, when Larry looked at the report there was no mention of the fact that Andrew noted heart residue in the body indicating that the heart had been pulverized. (Whew. Are we all caught up now?) I see Andrew and Larry have arrived at the M.E.’s office. Let’s go over there and see what is up.

“Hey, Larry and my goodness look who the cat dragged in.”

“Good morning Perry. I wonder if Andrew and I can get a moment?”

“For you anything, Larry. Andrew, how is retirement treating you?”

“Pretty good Perry. However, as you can see sometimes the past drags you kicking and screaming out of bed.”

“Yeah, it’s quite a surprise seeing you here. What gives?”

“Larry here is working on the Sandusky case and he was telling me about the report. It seems like there are some pieces missing.”

“Missing? How can that be?”

“That’s what I said. I remember making some notations on the cause of death that Larry says are not in the report he read.”

“What? Maybe a page was missing or something?”

“That’s why we’re here. I thought we could look at the original file and check for ourselves. Larry is working the Sandusky cold case and it is pretty important.”

“By all means. I think we have all the information backed up. Let’s start with the hard copy and then go to the soft.”

“Perfect.”

“Good thing I keep duplicate files. That is one thing you taught me that stuck.”

“Come on, Perry. You are one of the best M.E’s in the country. My best student.”

“Nice of you to say, Andrew. Yes, here is the file.”

“Let me look. I can turn to the exact place where I made the notation.”

“What notation was that, Andrew?”

“I believe Sandusky’s heart was pulverized by a current. That is what I noted.”

“Pulverized? You mean infarcted where the supply of blood is cut off?”

“No that would still leave the heart tissue intact. I’m talking about extracorporeal shock waves that actually break up the tissue into millions of tiny pieces.”

“Wow. I’ve only heard of that being done on gallstones.”

“Well up to this case I was in the same boat. There can be no other explanation. Here is the place where the notation should be. And it is missing.”

“Let me see that.”

“Sure, Larry. Take a look.”

“Holding this page up to the light, I don’t see where it has been altered.”

“I have to agree. This doesn’t sound like good news on the soft copy since this is a print out from that file.”

“I agree, Perry. Let’s have a look anyway.”

“Hold on, Andrew. I’ll have it up in a second. That’s odd.”

“It’s missing right?”

“How’d you know Larry.”

“How’d I know? Just my detective intuition at work. The hard copy has some missing information. It makes sense then that the soft copy is gone. How else to make the case tougher to solve than to eliminate the damn file from the computer?”

“Perry.”

“Yes, Andrew.”

“Can you get a forensic team to recover the file if it has been deleted.”

“I believe it is worth a try.”

“Good thinking, Andrew. Maybe we are not out of luck after all.”

“It’s a long shot, Larry but one worth taking.”

“Andrew?”

“Yes, Larry.”

“You want to come work for me on the Sandusky case?”

“You payin’?”

“You bet.”

“I’m in.”

Tuesday – Anything Possible – Kreative Kue #182 by Keith Channing

July 10, 2018July 9, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 47 Comments

In Keith’s words. “Using this photo (below) as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put it (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before 6pm next Sunday (if you aren’t sure what the time is where I live, this link will tell you). If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here.

Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries, with links to your own blog or web site, next Monday.”

The Photo.

“Sush, someones coming.”

“I don’t hear anyone.”

“I have this super sense of hearing. Trust me. Stop chewing that gum.”

“How did you know I had gum in my mouth. I barely chewed it.”

“I could hear your molars coming together. If I can hear them so can they.”

“Okay, then. I’ll spit it out.”

“No don’t. The sound of you spitting can carry for miles.”

“For you maybe. How many people do you think have your hearing sensitivity.”

“You want to take a chance there is one?”

“You make a good point. I’ll not chew.”

“Thank you very much. Can you hold your breath?”

“Oh, for heaven’s sake. Now you are going too far.”

“Sush. Your blabbing is going to get us killed.”

“You really think those folks are going to kill us?”

“Do you know what they do to others like us?”

“No, I can’t say I do.”

“I have heard sometimes they cut off your skin while you are alive.”

“My God. That is horrible.”

“Also they put you in hot water after cutting you in half.”

“In half. That’s barbaric.”

“One guy told me, and he swears it’s true that he witnessed a group being drawn and quartered.”

“Okay, I’ll stop breathing. How close are they?”

“I can hear their young ones screaming as they run ahead.”

“Why do they do that?”

“I don’t know I think they use their young to draw fire in case of an ambush.”

“So how close?”

“A few hundred feet. They are also carrying baskets.”

“Baskets what the hell for?”

“Prisoners. Those they don’t kill and eat immediately they take as prisoners to torture and kill later.”

“I think I’m going to cry.”

“They could miss us if we keep quiet. Who knows, they may be more into those poor apples in the next forest. If so we will be spared.”

“Where are they now?”

“I think they are going for the apples.”

“Thank God. We pears live another day.”

“Yeah, they are hitting the apples. I can hear them screaming. We dodged the bullet today. Long live the pears.”

“Long live the pears.”

“Sush. Whisper. The hairless apes could still find us.”

Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Are in a Dentist’s Chair

July 9, 2018July 8, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 73 Comments

The inspiration for this list was a routine visit to the dentist. Like all dentist offices, I could hear what was going on in several offices around me. I heard some funny things, and also I made up some of my own. I hope you enjoy this list

10 If you are in a dentist’s chair, do not try to answer the dentist’s questions while their hand is in your mouth. If you do, at best your answer will be garbled and not understood. At worst, the dentist may come up missing a tool. (Yes, it is strange the dentist asks a question while you are incapable of speech, Elijah. Try to resist since that lost tool may be with you for a long time.)

9 If you are in a dentist’s chair, do not listen to Tiny the WWF champ whimper in the next room. If you do, at best it may unnerve you. At worst, Tiny may catch sight of you as he leaves and will want to make sure you won’t gossip about his lack of fortitude. (That shadow passing over you as you go from the dentist office, Evan, is Tiny coming up from behind. Don’t think. Just drop and roll.)

8 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not ask about the cost of a procedure while it is underway. If you do, at best you won’t like the answer. At worst, the dentist may decide to give you a discount provided you can endure the procedure with no painkiller. ( You have to wonder, Ezekiel, why he keeps asking, “Is it safe?” from the movie Marathon Man. Yes that is you making all that noise.)

7 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not try to read your chart when the Dentist leaves. If you do, at best you won’t understand a thing. At worst, the hygienist will walk in just as you are leaning over backward with the chart in your hands. (How do you explain yourself, Edgar? You could have just asked to see your chart.)

6 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not think about the Italian sub you had for lunch. If you do, at best you won’t open your mouth. At worst, you will try to explain your faux pas all while the hygienist continues to spray mouthwash each time you open your mouth. (You wish the “ew” sound were as a result of a different source huh, Elliott?)

5 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not fool around with the controls. If you do, at best you won’t get wet. At worst you will cause possible complications from the polishing tool function being replaced by a drilling tool function. (That hole in your front tooth is charming, Emmett. Maybe you can get a diamond to fit in there.)

4 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not think the dentist will be right in to see you. If you do, at best your waiting time will seem even longer. At worst, you fell asleep and drooled all over that lovely napkin under your chin. (How do you explain the wet spot to the hygienist, Edwin? Try your Quasimodo impersonation. “Here. Take whistle. Only thing I hear. Blow if in trouble.” They will love it.)

3 If you are in the dentist chair, do not remind yourself about that 32-ounce Big Gulp soda you finished on the way over here. If you do, at best you will forgive yourself for not making a restroom stop. At worst, the dental staff will think you are a crack addict given the amount of twitching and jumping you go through as you try to manage the specter of an accident. (Why is that little voice in your head still talking about Niagara Falls, Easton? Pretty self-defeating I would say.)

2 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not acknowledge the rumbling inside of you. If you do, at best your explanation of the sour kraut and corned beef sandwich will fall on unsympathetic ears. At worst, you may give your body permission to vent off the building pressure. (Nothing pleases people more in a closed room, Edmund.)

1 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not ask to hold a teddy bear before the procedure. If you do, at best the staff will think you are joking. At worst, you will get the bear and a chart notation to watch for an emotional break in the future. (Ever wonder why everyone talks in a whisper when you visit the office, Ezequiel?)

Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt – “Sup.”

July 7, 2018July 6, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 41 Comments

t is Stream of Consciousness Saturday time again and this weeks prompt is, “sup.” Linda Hill advises that we can use it as part of a word or any other way we want. If you would like to join in and try your hand at these prompts, go to Linda’s blog and read how. Here is the link https://lindaghill.com/2018/07/06/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-july-7-18/

“Sup bra?”

“What are you doing?”

“Whatchew mean?”

“Talking like a hip-hop vocal group member.”

“I’m just tryin’ to expand my cultural knowledge. Don’t get all up in my grill.”

“Stop it.”

“All righty then.”

“Cut the Pet Detective bit as well.”

“Man you are no fun. You act like my supervisor at work.”

“Please don’t tell me you were pulling some of your antics with your boss.”

“I did my famous imitation of Steve Reeves.”

“Superman? Do you know how superficial that kind of thing looks?”

“Naw, he loved it.”

“How do you know?”

“I got an award as the Most Supercilious Employee of the Week.”

“Do you have any idea what supercilious means?”

“Well, any word that has “super” in it can’t be all bad.”

“Kill the W.C.Fields impersonation and listen to me.”

“Of all the gin joints in this world you had to step into mine.”

“Thanks, Bogy. Would it help to know that supercilious means thinking you are superior to everyone?”

“Well, maybe as Superman I was.”

“Your boss was pointing out your superficiality with a word he was pretty sure you wouldn’t understand.”

“I don’t think he would do that to Superman.”

“Would you please come back to reality.”

“Sure Doc.”

“Forget Bugs.”

“Sufferin’ succotash.”

“Drop Daffy.”

“T-T-That’s all folks.”

“You’ll be superb at the unemployment office.”

Quest of the Brokenhearted – New Book by Charles E. Yallowitz – On Sale for $0.99 for the Month of July

July 6, 2018July 5, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 23 Comments

A battered soul faces a city of monsters in
Quest of the Brokenhearted!

As Windemere moves forward, a broken spirit falls into the shadows.

Two years have passed since Luke Callindor was lost during the champions’ battle against Baron Kernaghan. Many mourn the loss, but none have been hurt more than the fiancée he left behind, Kira Grasdon. Plagued by grief and determined to prove he is alive, she has sacrificed her business, her reputation, and her hope. Surviving on the streets of Gaia, she has become an emotional husk of her former self. It is only by chance that Kira crosses paths with an old friend and learns of a path, which will either end her suffering or revive her shattered soul. As the rumors state, hundreds of adventurers have flocked to Lacarsis and none have returned.

Will Kira meet her death in the City of Evil or will she thrive among the monsters?

*****

Book Excerpt: The Farm

The blast of warm air hits and swirls around the area to make all those in metal armor feel like they are about to faint. As the wind billows out, it carries the fog away to reveal broken fences and an abandoned farmhouse. The porch is partially collapsed with a swing sitting in the mud, its chains still connected to the fallen roof. The front door is closed, but a large hole is in the middle as if something tried to punch its way inside. Rusty pots and tools are scattered about the ground, some of them having been plunged into the ground. Not far away is a large barn, which shows no sign of damage beyond peeling paint and cobwebs dangling from the eaves. A crooked weathervane sits above the hay loft, the bat-shaped object spinning wildly even though the wind has died. Wilted crops stand in the fields among those that have already rotted into mush. Piles of hay dot the landscape, each one having turned black and become surrounded by swarms of thumb-sized flies. When the last of the fog clears, the entire area is bathed in a sickly orange light that causes the adventurers’ skin to crawl.

An animal call erupts from a nearby pasture, the grass a light brown and showing signs of being repeatedly trampled. In response, the sounds of chickens drift from the farmhouse and they are soon joined by other familiar noises. The ear-wrenching symphony continues to grow as the adventurers spread out across the road and into the fields. Most are focused on the farmhouse door, so they are caught off-guard when the attack begins. Zombified pigs, horses, goats, and sheep burst out of the barn to charge the nearest warriors. With acidic foam flying from their mouths, the undead livestock crash into the armored figures and rip into whatever flesh they can reach. The goats and pigs cause the most damage, their teeth breaking through metal and bone while the horses do more harm with their hooves. Flapping wings from the farmhouse are a slight warning before a flock of chickens and ducks explode from the windows. Lacking teeth, they have a harder time killing their prey, who swing wildly and blindly cast spells that miss half of the time. Chaos is consuming the crowd when the first animal call erupts from the right and four knights are sent hurtling through the air. Flesh dangling from its horns and blood splattered across its rotting face, the zombified bull barrels into the adventurers. The grunting beast tramples everything in its path as it crashes into one of the fields and sends a broken cart rolling away. Turning around, the animal ignores the arrows that stick into its hindquarters and charges back into the crowd.

While the others try to retreat, Kira swings her sickle at the bull’s side and gets the weapon stuck between the exposed ribs. She holds on while she is dragged and uses the blunt end to swat chickens out of the air. As she passes a stallion, she swings her kusari-gama to get the chain wrapped around its hind legs. With the horse galloping away from the bull, Kira plants her feet and pulls hard on her weapon. Her strength combined with that of the zombified steed allows her to shatter the larger animal’s ribs. Spinning around, she whips the sickle into the side of the stallion’s head and uncoils the chain as it crashes to the ground. Without turning back, the adventurer dives to the side and narrowly avoids getting gored by the bull. The moment she hits the ground, she pounces to grab the jagged hole in its body and pulls herself close enough to punch inside with the blunt end of her weapon. Kira continues striking the rotting heart until the confused animal rears back and exposes its stomach for a pair of spearmen to impale it. They are unable to support its weight and are promptly crushed while the young woman flips up to slam her sickle into the base of its skull. Hanging onto the bucking bull, she violently twists the blade until the zombie finally falls over and rapid decays. The others are about to cheer when the call of another bull bursts from the pasture.

“They just keep coming,” Kira mutters as she watches more animals pour out of the buildings.

Grab your copy on Amazon for 99 cents throughout the month of July!

*****

Interested in more Windemere? Then don’t forget to check out Charles E. Yallowitz’s first series: Legends of Windemere

Or more interested vampires? Then check out War of Nytefall: Loyalty:

About the Author:

Charles Yallowitz was born and raised on Long Island, NY, but he has spent most of his life wandering his own imagination in a blissful haze. Occasionally, he would return from this world for the necessities such as food, showers, and Saturday morning cartoons. One day he returned from his imagination and decided he would share his stories with the world. After his wife decided that she was tired of hearing the same stories repeatedly, she convinced him that it would make more sense to follow his dream of being a fantasy author. So, locked within the house under orders to shut up and get to work, Charles brings you Legends of Windemere. He looks forward to sharing all of his stories with you, and his wife is happy he finally has someone else to play with.

Blog: www.legendsofwindemere.com
Twitter: @cyallowitz
Facebook: Charles Yallowitz
Website: www.charleseyallowitz.com

LET THE TOURNAMENT OF LACARSIS BEGIN!