The inspiration for this list came from observing some weird behavior on the beach and wondering aloud it that person’s mother ever told them not to do what they were doing. The wondering brought up thought on what our mothers told us not to do. I hope you enjoy the list.
10 Your mother told you not to leave the house in dirty underwear. If you ignored her, at best you kept your pants on. At worst, all the people in the emergency room now know you’ve been neglected. (You better explain that you didn’t listen before you go under, Buford)
9 Your mother told you not to talk to strangers. If you didn’t listen, at best the only stranger you met was a cop. At worst, you fell in with the wrong crowd. (Those police officers outside are pretty serious about you coming out with your hands up, Tex.)
8 Your mother told you to finish your milk. If you didn’t listen, at best you would revisit the same milk tomorrow. At worst, you would be crippled for life because of the lack a calcium in your diet. (At least that was the warning huh, Bosco?)
7 Your mother told you not to run with scissors. If you did anyway, at best the only hole made when you fell was on the new couch. At worst, you made the evening news as the only person is known to have survived ignoring a mother’s advice. (Of course, those scissors made a nice scar didn’t they, Slick?)
6 Your mother told you not to be a cowboy. If you ignored her, at best you now live in Marfa Texas. At worst, you are herding cows, eating beans, and living outside most of the year. (You thought being a cowboy meant a Hollywood contract didn’t you, Slim?)
5 Your mother told you to wash your hands and face. If you didn’t, at best there was no dinner. At worst, her prediction of catching bubonic plague has come true, and no one wants to be near you. (It could have been avoided, Putz. What’s a little soap and water anyway?)
4 Your mother told you there would be days like this. If you didn’t listen, at best you’ll think this is forever. At worst, you will make unreasonable plans to try to correct what is wrong. (So it’s raining, Ferd. Get over it and quit that silly chant.)
3 Your mother told you to tie your shoes. If you ignored her, at best everyone you meet will remind you. At worst, you will step on a shoe lace just as you decide to lean over the rail to get a great shot of the Grand Canyon. (Funny how those screams continue to echo around, isn’t it, Buster?)
2 Your mother told you to mind your manners. If you didn’t listen, at best you can kiss another invitation goodby. At worst, you might offend Tiny the WWF champ who has just left a ten-hour manners management course mandated as part of his parole. (Notice how far your feet are off the floor when Tiny lifts you by the neck, Weezer?)
1 Your mother told you to be a gentleman. If you decide not to be, at best you might get home early. At worst, you might win the international record as the most slapped human on the planet. (You need to wake up, Boris before your face falls off.)
Grab a chair or lounge. Here take this margarita and let’s sit a spell.
