The inspiration for this post has been my attendance at some full moon campfires on the beach. Now I know everyone who will read this will not have the opportunity to attend some full moon campfires, but you never know and should be prepared. A full moon bonfire event usually has a collection of friends, a little food, and some adult beverages. The idea is to celebrate the moonrise with companionship and good cheer.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Full Moon Campfire on the Beach.

10 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not over rotate the demonstration of your fire building skills. If you do, at best your neighbors and friends will wonder if you have some problem with fire. At worst, the conflagration generated will take a company of firefighters and several thousands of dollars to get under control and damage repaired. (Boy, that gasoline sure went up quick didn’t it baldy?)

9 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not think volume alone will get everyone to like your selection of music. If you do, at best no one will hear you when you ask how they like the music. At worst, the accidental slip of your boombox into the tub of ice will generate a standing ovation. (You are just now beginning to suspect the fall wasn’t so accidental)

8 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not take the opportunity to talk non-stop about your favorite subject. If you do, at best you will end up talking to yourself. At worst, the generous folks who have put up with you for the last four full moon campfires will finally crack and will offer you a big cup of ” shut the f**k up.” (Wow! Where did that come from huh pilgrim?)

7 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not bring some exotic dish that only a food crank could love. If you do at best, you will have plenty of leftovers for tomorrow. At worst, someone will take a taste of your dish and ask loudly “who brought the dog food?” (So everyone didn’t care for charbroiled, sustainable, line-caught, tofu but did they have to be insulting?)

6 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not think you need to consume your weight in an adult beverage. If you do at best, you will fall asleep before anything embarrassing happens. At worst, you will be living down the suggestion that everyone go skinny dipping in the Gulf. (The funny part is  you were the only one and that moon was the brightest.)

5 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not think you need to instruct everyone on the fine art of marshmallow roasting. If you do, at best most will ignore your technique and burn them anyway. At worst, the youngsters will now see you as that old fart who doesn’t know how to mind their own business. ( Halloween will be the time for the payback)

4 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not misplace your shoes. If you do, at best you will give the impression that you have lost your faculties as well. At worst, while searching in the dark, you will have stepped any number of beasties not to mention that corkscrew that old man Jenkins dropped last month.(Makes you wonder why you didn’t just keep them on doesn’t it?)

3 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not scream at every passing vehicle to slow down. (This is in Texas only where driving on the beach is allowed) If you do, at best you will lose your voice in a half hour. At worst, that hulk of a guy getting out of the truck happens to be named Tiny and just broke up with his girlfriend who used to tell him to slow down all the time. ( I guess you know how to pick ’em huh?)

2 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not think you need that twenty million candlepower military surplus flashlight. If you do, at best those you illuminate won’t pass out. At worst, that helicopter above you from homeland security is thinking the source of the light is a danger and is requesting permission to let go with the equivalent of a thousand gallon water balloon. (Good thing you wore your bathing suit Bunky.)

1 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not believe all the attendees will benefit from a full lecture on the type and history of this full moon. If you do, most will ignore what you have to say and will keep offering you a drink. At best, you will be looking at the moon and discussing the fine points without noticing the group has moved fire and all a quarter of a mile away. (You thought they were are stunned into silence by your brilliance didn’t you Professor? (Sure is lonely at the top.)