Wednesday Story Day – AKA – Hump Day

June 23, 2021June 22, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments

Photo of Lucy and Twiggy on the floor — “Still Wednesday, Lucy?”
“Sure is Little one.”
“Any way to hurry Friday?”
“Not that I know of.”
“Drat.”

It is Wednesday Story Day again, and last week we all showed up at the house where we think the Cortez crowd and the hostages are holed up. As Mike was trying to get a megaphone from his car trunk, he was shot. Good thing Andrew is a doctor. Larry picked up the megaphone and announced to the house to the effect that they should give themselves up. I think we better get over there, so we don’t miss anything.

“I don’t see or hear anything, Mike.”

“Give them the announcement again.”

“Okay. ATTENTION YOU IN THE HOUSE. WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED. THIS IS THE FBI. THE AGENT YOU SHOT IS OKAY. SURRENDER NOW, AND NO ONE GET’S HURT.”

“Who’s phone is ringing?”

“It’s yours, Larry.”

“So it is, Andrew. This is one hell of a time for a robocall. Hello, this is Larry. Cortez? How did you get my number? Oh yeah. I remember now. I gave you my card in your office. What can I do for you? Uh-huh. Sure. I get it. Maybe we can work something out. No, I don’t think that’s going to work. I know there are a lot of innocent lives at stake. You need to put down your weapons and come out. Look, you are only facing a harboring kidnapper charge. We could probably mark that down to criminal mischief. You have nothing to gain by making this more than it is. There is a whole SWAT team out here dying to try out their new automatic weapons. Come on. Think it over. Sure, I’ll be here. No, we won’t rush the house for sure. Nice talk.”

“What the hell was all that about?”

“It was Cortez. He wants a safe passage to the airport. I told him that is not going to happen.”

“What was that markdown bit?”

“I just want him to think there are alternatives. How you feeling?”

“Like I got hit with a bolder.”

“How’s he doing, Andrew?”

“Lost a little blood, but he’ll be okay.”

“Good.”

“I don’t think the ADA is going to be interested in reducing the kidnap charge. The way it looks, he is not an accessory but a kidnapper.”

“I know, Mike. I just wanted to give him something to think about.”

“I had to laugh at you bellowing on that bull horn, and he calmly calls your cell phone.”

“When this is over, we will have a ton of laughs over a beer, but right now, I’m worried about those hostages. Oops, there goes my phone. Yeah, Larry here. Oh, hi Joachim. I’m listening. Um…Uh Huh. I really would advise against that, Joachim. You are escalating this matter for no reason. Hello. Hello Joachim. Shit.”

“What happened?”

“He says he’s going to toss a body out every hour until we guarantee safe passage to the airport. Then, he says he’s going to start with ADA Thomas.”

“We better move on the house.”

“Hold on, we have an hour to figure something out.”

Tuesday – Anything Possible – Kreative Kue # 317 by Keith Channing

June 22, 2021June 21, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 57 Comments

In Keith’s words.

“Using this photo (below) as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put it (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before 6pm next Sunday (if you aren’t sure what the time is where I live, this link will tell you). If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please also mention it in a comment here.

Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries next Monday.”

The photo.

“Yeah, I get the whiff of colliander, but I think it is more like wintergreen.”

“You have got to be kidding. I don’t get wintergreen at all. Maybe parsley but certainly not wintergreen.”

“I think you may be right. I must have been having an olfactory hallucination.”

“You have to keep your head in the game Trevor. This is important.”

“See, that’s just the point. Why is sniffing a bunch of flora so damned important?”

“Okay, let me review the situation for you. We are dogs. Got it?”

“Yes, so far.”

“We have great senses of smell, right?”

“Right.”

“Our boss told us to go out and track the flora, yes?”

“Yes, that’s correct. But —”

“So that’s what we are doing. Tracking the flora. What’s the ‘but.'”

“I think the boss was talking about tracking a person.”

“A person. What do you mean?”

“I heard him say, ‘Go track Floria.'”

“Floria? Who’s Floria?”

“He’s the guy who delivered the overripe peaches.”

“So what are we supposed to do when we catch him.”

“Have you just had a brain fart? You were there. He said to track Floria, corner him and start baring like a beagle.”

“I thought the boss was kidding.”

“He never kids about overripe peaches.”

“We better get going then.”

“I think I can detect the subtle essence of peach juice on the trail.”

“Yeah, right.”

“I’m serious. Floria is as good as captured right now. I can’t wait to bay like a hound of Baskerville.”

“Where do you get this stuff anyway?”

“I read books.”

“Maybe you out to watch a little more TV.”

“Tally-ho the peach.”

“Hopeless.”

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Get a Honey-Do List

June 21, 2021June 20, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 88 Comments

This post originally ran on June 22, 2016. honey-do lists never go out of style.

The inspiration for this list has been several years of being the recipient of lists of things that needed fixing. I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Get a Honey Do List

10 If you receive a honey do list, do not laugh at the items. If you do, at best, you’ll get one of those looks that turn brave thoughts to flee instincts. At worst, you’ll have to try to defend the undefendable fact that you haven’t kept up with normal maintenance. (The couch is pretty lumpy, wouldn’t you say?)

9 If you receive a honey do list, do not take shortcuts to complete the list. If you do, At best, the inspection will produce some embarrassing deficiencies. At worst, you find yourself in the do-over mode, and it will take longer than the original model would have taken. (Was that game you rushed to see worth it, Buster?)

8 If you receive a honey do list, do not try to substitute available materials for those that require a store trip. If you do, at best, the fix will last a month or two. At worst, you’ll find after the job definite evidence that you blew it. (How do you feel about a bedroom full of water? Bunky)

7 If you receive a honey do list, do not try to do it if you don’t know how. If you do, at best, you will need to call a pro to complete the work. At worst, you will need to call a pro to fix what you messed up and then finish the work. (Feel good about paying twice what the project would have cost in the first place?)

6 If you receive a honey do list, do not call your friends to help. If you do, at best, they will all but prevent the job from being completed. At worst, none of them will have the skills needed but will attempt to help with questionable results. (You did incur beer and food costs in addition to the repair of the repair costs, huh, Bud?)

5 If you receive a honey do list, do not ignore the instructions as to the desired outcome. If you do, at best, the job will never be satisfactory. At worst, your usual roundabout way of doing things will add time and cost to the project. (Maybe it wasn’t necessary to dig that hole and build a foundation for the flower box after all, right?)

4 If you receive a honey do list, do not fail to finish each item. If you do, at best, you will appear to be someone who needs planning help. At worst, you will be faced with someone who has been hired to complete what you start. (Man, those labor costs are killers, aren’t they?)

3 If you receive a honey do list, do not make excuses for not doing the items. If you do, at best, your excuses will fall on deaf ears. At worse, the excuses will be used as justification for engaging Expensive & How contracting. (What’s in a name? Whoa!)

2 If you receive a honey do list, do not put off getting to work on it immediately. If you do, at best, the list will only get longer. At worst, there will be a growing feeling that you will never get the list done, culminating in an introduction to Beaucoup Bucks & Sons. (Man, those sons sure have dirty shoes, don’t they?)

1 If you receive a honey do list, do not fail to report the results of projects completed. If you do, at best, there will be no record of accomplishment. At worst, you will not have confirmation that the job is complete, and it may just show up again. (You have to demonstrate you can get things done, Buford.)

Views of the Neighborhood – Rhythm and Reels

June 20, 2021June 19, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 86 Comments

The Lakeway Parks and Recreation people have set up a great summer program called Rhythm and Reels. For the next three Fridays, starting at 7 PM, there will be food, treats, and games for the community’s enjoyment. Corn Hole, Giant Jenga, Spike Ball, Can Jam, Ladder Ball, and much more. Residents are encouraged to bring lawn chairs and picnic blankets and pick a spot to lounge. Then enjoy the games. There will be burgers, fries, and ice cream too. In addition, a full feature film will be shown starting at 8:30. What is nice we are all invited too. Even though the event was held on Friday, the staff agreed it would be okay for all of us to visit using the time warp feature of the bus.

The event features food from P. Terry’s of Austin. We have burgers and fries on the menu.

Dessert from IceCream2U

Our entertainment will be The Lost Pines. Austin’s premier bluegrass and classic country band who joins us as a trio.

The movie is The Sandlot. In the summer of 1962, a new kid in town is taken under the wing of a young baseball prodigy and his rowdy team.

So let’s get on the bus and take a time warp back to last Friday.

The event announced downtown Lakeway.

There’s the food truck. Place your order

The bandstand and screen for the movie.

My kind of pop-up Persian rugs and all.

Safe lawn darts.

A field of corn hole games.

Kan Jam disk for a Kan Jam game.

Giant Jenga for the steady hands.

Spoon and egg game.

Ice cream would go well with the 92-degree heat.

A big ole bounce house and the drink station.

It looks like the trio is tuning up to play, so we better grab our lawn chairs and settle back for a night of entertainment. Enjoy the food, music, and movie. I hope you all have a terrific week.

A video of the full band playing their original Maybalee.

Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt – Hat/Het/Hit/Hot/Hut.

June 19, 2021June 18, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 55 Comments

Celebrate freedom. Happy Juneteenth.

It is Stream of Consciousness Saturday time again, and I was laying outback on the chaise lounge thinking of what kind of pasta to make for dinner. When the idea of an amatriciana sauce popped into my head, I was also hit in the same spot with a falling box. I had no idea where the box came from, but I suspect it was heaved over the back fence by a neighbor who received it by mistake. It only took a minute for the stars to clear and the sender’s name to become legable. None other than Linda Hill was the name in the left corner of the label. I ripped open the box with the help of my newly cleaned and polished teeth. Sure enough, the prompt was the only item in the box.

The prompt. “Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “hat/het/hit/hot/hut.” Choose one, choose ’em all, put ’em in your post. Enjoy!”

If you would like to enjoy this prompt, visit Linda Hill’s blog and read how easy it is. Here is the link. https://lindaghill.com/2021/06/18/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-june-19-2021/

“What are you doing?”

“Trying to figure out the prompt today.”

“Oh yes, Saturday Hill time. What’s to figure out?”

“Het.”

“Het?”

“Het. What does it mean?”

“Look it up.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Against the rules.”

“Cheat.”

“Will you keep it under your hat?”

“Maybe.”

“If not, I’ll get all het up.”

“Nicely done.”

“Well, will you?”

“Sure.”

“I put it in Google and got a hit on ‘het.'”

“What does it say?”

“Haven’t looked yet. Cheating makes my face hot.”

“For heaven’s sake. Who is going to know?”

“I’ll know.”

“So, what would be the consequence?”

“My mind would go into the hut of remorse.”

“Hut of remorse? Is there such a thing?”

“No, I made it up.”

“To finish up the prompt?”

“Clever, huh?”

“For one who is reluctant to cheat, you sure play fast with the rules.”

“Who’s post is this anyway?”

“Yours.”

“Right. I think my job is done here.”

“You want to go to the Brew Hut and hit on some hot tasting brewskis?”

“Let me get my hat. What about het?”

“Let’s leave him home.”

Friday JohnKu – AKA – TGIF

June 18, 2021June 17, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 79 Comments

“So what are we doing today, Little one?”
“Friday? Lovely sunshine? 98 degrees? Absolutely nothing but relax and stay cool..”
“I can handle that.”

Here we are on a Friday again. It is so nice to head into a weekend. I hope your week wasn’t too stressful. If it was, then you are only eight hours until relief.

I went to the dentist today. My teeth had not been cleaned since October of 2019. I was scheduled for one in April of 2020, but we all know what happened. I was rescheduled for September 2020 but canceled. I finally showed up today, and it was fine. The good news was the hygienist and dentist were surprised I hadn’t been cleaned for 21 months—the power of wine.

There has been a lot of talk about employers wanting employees to return to the office. But are employees ready to return?

NBC News has reported, and I quote, “a survey released in April by the American Psychological Association found that 49 percent of adults feel uneasy about returning to in-person interactions once the pandemic is over. Vaccination status did not affect that: 48 percent of those who have already been vaccinated say they, too, feel uncomfortable with in-person interactions.”

So this means folks would like to take more time at home, and hopefully, companies will be able to accommodate them. FlexJobs, which surveyed more than 2,100 people who have been working remotely during the pandemic, found that 58 % would quit if they were forced to return to the office. This has to be a wake-up call for companies.

The suggestion is companies take a slow approach and keep alternatives open for those who aren’t ready to return. How about you? Any desire to return to the office?

Today’s JohnKu talks about a return to the status quo. I hope you have an enjoyable weekend.

Pandemic concerns,

Are in the rearview mirror . . .

What is your normal?

Thursday – A Little Personal – Lucy and Twiggy Inspect the Work

June 17, 2021June 16, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 76 Comments

A short note. I am currently extending the downspout drains to take the water away from the center of the yard. During the heavy rains, the yard floods and takes a while to move away. Twiggy loves to play in the puddles, and Lucy hates to get her feet wet. In some of the later photos (By the glove), a tall white pipe is a cleanout. It needs to be cut and lowered by about six inches, so it is not as prominent.

I let Lucy and Twiggy into the construction area to have a look.

“Look at this pipe, Twiggy.”

“I see it. What’s it for, Lucy?”

“I heard talk of extending the downspouts. I think this is the purpose.”

“Extending downspouts? What for?”

“I think to take the rain away from the house.”

“I remember the puddle that used to form here when it rained. I loved playing in it. Drove mom crazy when I ran back into the house dripping wet.”

“Yeah, and that dried-up spot continues to be there.”

“Hey, there’s a stick.”

“I’m going to have a better look.”

“Can’t beat an old stick. This oak is a giving tree.”

“Now I see. The downspout is connected to this longer hose.”

“I just love the taste of oak.”

“Mom’s going to be mad if she catches you with a stick.”

“She hates it when I chew sticks. She’s afraid I will choke. Okay, I’ll stop.”

“You trying to get out of that gate, Little One?”

“No, I just wonder what it is doing here?

“To keep us out of this mess. That’s why.”

“Doesn’t work when Dad leaves it open. Oh, look some smelly stuff on the pipe.”

“Twiggy. Get away from there. That is the sealant. You’ll get stuck to the pipe if you put your nose in there. So what are you two doing in here anyway?”

“Inspecting the work, Boss.”

“What do you think?”

“See, that’s the beauty of being a dog, Boss. We don’t have to think.”

Wednesday Story Day – AKA – Hump Day

June 16, 2021June 15, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 74 Comments

“Lucy are you sure it’s not Friday?”
“I’m positive.”
“I guess I’ll call this my Wednesday sit-ups then.”
“Who in the world needs to name their exercises.”
“Makes them easier to do.”

It is Wednesday Story Day again, and last week, we saw Mike Moore, the FBI agent, organize a SWAT team to surround the house where Cortez lives. The tricky part is there are four hostages inside, and Mike doesn’t want to start a shooting war that could get them killed. He has decided to allow Cortez to surrender the hostages and give himself up. Let’s join up with Mike, Andrew, and Larry as they meet with the SWAT team.

“The names’ Moore and this is Dunfee and Cummings.”

“Agent Withers, agent Moore. What’s the situation?”

“We believe we have four hostages and probably four perps inside the house. We have a warrant for their arrest on federal kidnapping charges. The problem is we need to serve the warrant without getting the hostages killed.”

“Yeah, roger that. So you want to try some talk?”

“Yes. I need your men to surround the house, so no one gets away. I don’t want to be chasing these guys all over the state.”

“I get that. Okay, what if they don’t give up?”

“you have a standard protocol for that situation, right?”

“Yes, we do. We will keep them in place for as long as it takes. We have ways to escalate the situation but would only do that on your order.”

“I think we should wait to see what happens.”

“I agree. Okay, we will deploy around the house. Our comms are set at 360 Mh. You want to test that?”

“Okay. Can you read?”

“You are loud and clear. Keep me informed. I’m going to move out with the team.”

“Thanks, Winters.”

“Yeah. Do that when this is over.”

“Roger that. Hey Larry?”

“Yes, Mike.”

“You ever been in this kind of situation?”

“Can’t say I have.”

“Well. Let’s hope it won’t turn into something ugly. There are readers out there who want this thing to end peacefully.”

“I understand. There is also a writer out there who tends to make our lives difficult.”

“Hey, Winters?”

“Go ahead.”

“You guys in place?”

“Give us three more minutes. I’ll give you a shout when we are ready.”

“Roger. Okay, Larry, once those guys are in place, we will move closer to the house. I think we’ll take the car for cover.”

“I think that’s a good idea. You want me to drive.”

“No, that’s okay. I’ll just pull up in front of the house, and we will talk from the opposite side of the car.”

“Winters to Moore.”

“Go ahead, Winters.”

“We have the place surrounded. There is a back door and a sliding door off the patio. We have a clear view of the entire back. We don’t see any movement in the house.”

“Thank you, Winters. We are pulling up in front. I’m going to block the drive.”

“My guys are directly across the street. The drive will be perfect. We can keep tabs on you in case a firefight starts.”

“Somehow, that is not as comforting as you probably wanted it to be. We have pulled up in front. We are getting out of the car. Moore out.”

“So, do you have a megaphone?”

“Just so happens I do. It’s in the trunk.”

“Be careful.”

“Be right back.”

“Crap Andrew. What was that?”

“A shot, Larry. Looks like Moore got hit.”

“Stay here. I’m going after him. Mike, you okay?”

“Damnit, Larry. Some stupid son-of-a-bitch shot me. Winters, Moore here. I’ve been shot. Hold your fire and position. I’m giving the comm to Dunfee.”

“You okay, Mike.”

“I am for the moment. What a stupid thing to do. These guys must be really stupid. Here take this megaphone and tell them they are surrounded. Tell ‘em the agent they shot is okay and to lay down their weapons and come out. If they do, no one will get hurt.”

“Andrew. Get over here and take care of Mike. I’m not sure how badly he’s hurt. His Mouth is working okay for now. Okay, Mike, you are going to be okay. Andrew is a doctor.”

“There is a first aid kit in the trunk as well.”

“Okay, we got this. You take it easy. ATTENTION YOU IN THE HOUSE. WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED. THIS IS THE FBI. THE AGEN YOU SHOT IS OKAY. SURRENDER NOW, AND NO ONE GET’S HURT.”

Tuesday – A Little Personal – Kreative Kue #316 by Keith Channing

June 15, 2021June 14, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 55 Comments

In Keith’s words.

Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries next Monday.”

The photo.

“Okay, so when you come to a curve, just lean into it.”

“I get it. Your feet stay firmly on the track.”

“I think you might do a little better also if you could change your lead just before hitting the curve.”

“What do you mean?”

“You are in a right over left lead configuration.”

“Is that bad?”

“No, not bad but notice how my body seems to follow the curve. I’m in left over right lead, and it just fits better.”

“You do look more streamlined. I can feel my ears bouncing around.”

“So do a lead change, and you will smooth out.”

“Wow. That is wonderful.”

“Okay, then coming out of the curve, you can change the lead again if it feels better.”

“No, this is pretty comfortable.”

“Well, I think you are ready.”

“You mean it?”

“Yup. I think I have taught you everything I know.”

“So you think I have a chance?”

“They are some pretty fast dogs.”

“Yeah, but I have the heart.”

“Okay, heart does go a long way. What made you want to race in the first place?”

“I always loved how those dogs looked going around the track. Sleek and beautiful. I want to look like that.”

“You know looks aren’t everything.”

“Yeah, but you have to admit they are beautiful.”

“They are greyhounds, and you are a Russel terrier. You know that, right?”

“So, what does that have to do with anything?”

“If you don’t see the difference, then don’t let me dissuade you.”

“You have to follow your dream no matter how hopeless it may be.”

“Okay, then. Good luck tomorrow.”

“I’m a fine-tuned running machine. But thank you for the good wishes.”

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Wedding

June 14, 2021June 13, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 63 Comments

This post originally ran on June 15th 2015. It still appears to hold some water today.

Since June is wedding month, I can’t let it pass without making some comments on what we should all avoid if we are in a wedding, invited to a wedding, or married. I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Wedding (no matter who you are)

10 If you are a wedding guest, do not be tempted to pick up and shake a few of the wedding presents to see if there are sets of china or appliances inside. If you do, at best those observing you will know you bought a cheap gift or none at all. At worst, you will be asked to step away from the gifts by a large man with the word SECURITY above his left pocket. He also happens to be the brother of one of the celebrants, and you are now busted since he assumes you are looking to pick out one to go.

9 If you are a parent of the celebrants, do not tell anyone how you feel about not being good enough for your child. If you do, at best, you will be confiding with someone who knows the other and has not met yours and can’t wait to report your indiscretion. At worst, you might be told to mind your own business and quite possibly followed by a knuckle sandwich (hold the mayo).

8 If you are a second in a wedding, do not think your job is to complain about every detail of the process and how much the whole thing cost you in air travel and clothes. If you do, at best, people will assume the only reason you are at the wedding party is that you are family. (Whether you are or not) At worst, you will add a degree of declassé to the event and will not be forgotten when it comes time to remember the most idiotic attendees.

7 If you are the best person, do not think your toast needs to have several cringe moments, including a detailed description of the past fiancées. If you do, at best, the wedding guests will think your humor is a little bizarre. At worst, it will be assumed you are drunk and out of control that should prompt an intervention placing you in the back of the Quiet Acres van on your way to rehab.

6 If you are the person of honor, do not think your toast has to include rapid hand fanning and a bunch of tears. If you do, at best, the room will pray you faint quickly. At worst, you started without a tissue, and now the streaked mascara and runny nose have cleared out the tables within a ten-foot radius.

5 If you are officiating the wedding ceremony, do not think you can rely on the notes when it comes time to say the names of the celebrants. If you do, at best, you will stumble on the names as you have lost your place in the written word and demonstrate how shallow you are. At worst, you will be using last week’s notes and continue to call the celebrants by names that you have an indication are not correct, but hope are close to the real thing. (hint they’re not)

4 If you are the caterer of a wedding, do not think you can cut corners the day of the event to increase the bottom line. If you do, at best, you will be able to substitute for the few things that you are short. At worst, you will have the luck to cater the wedding of a family of lawyers and will be fighting the lawsuit of breach of contract for the next ten years wishing all the time you had settled out of court.

3 If you are a musician at a wedding, do not think your usual twenty-minute set break each hour will be tolerated by the marriage guests. If you do, at best, you will have several of them with you requesting songs no matter where you go. At worst, as the evening gets older, you will believe your life is in danger once the music stops. You will be reminded of a pack of wolves surrounding and closing in on the camper as the fire dies. ( Better keep playing).

2 If you are the venue manager of a wedding, do not think there will be any problem asking everyone to leave at the appointed hour. If you do, at best, your encounter with overserved wedding guests will be loud and unpleasant. At worst, you will be barricaded in your office praying the SWAT team arrives before the angry mob does what was subtly suggested when someone yelled, “Get some tar and feathers.”

1 If you are a server at a wedding, do not think you will get rich on the tips. If you do, at best, you will realize that people attending a free event think everything’s free. At worst, the tips you counted on receiving you already spent, and you will now need to work another job to offset the lost revenue. (Of course, you could turn into a pickpocket. Naw, that’s not right.)