This week marks the 74th anniversary of the first Cannes Film Festival. We all want to go, I’m sure so let’s pile into the Olds and head back there. Do not forget the list, so we all can avoid a time continuum tear. All set. Let’s go.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Cannes Film Festival in 1946 by John W. Howell © 2020

10 If you go, do not take that plastic water bottle with you. If you do, at best, everyone will be looking at movie stars and not see you. At worst, someone will observe your bottle and want one. (The problem is, Marion, the polyethylene terephthalate (PET) bottle was not invented until 1973. Now a person is yelling at you, demanding you tell them where you got the bottle. Oh-oh, A crowd and the gendarmes are headed your way.)

9 If you go, do not ask Tiny, the WWF champ, if he knows any movie stars. If you do, at best, he is pals with Lon Chaney. At worst, he does not know one. (This simple question, Markell, has caused Tiny to regress from his last group session on self-esteem. Tiny will assume everyone knows stars, and he is the only one who doesn’t. Prepare yourself for Tiny’s new wrestle hold called “The Pretzel.”)

8 If you go, do not ask directions to Palais des Festivals. If you do, at best, no one will know. At worst, you will ask a member of the planning committee. (Since the Palais des Festivals which is the home of the festival, was not built until 1952, you are now outed as either a spy or an alien, Marley. I think spy might be a better choice since there is no war going on, so you won’t be shot.)

7 If you go, do not ask which movie got the Palme d’Or this year. If you do, at best you’ll get strange looks. At worst, you’ll ask a member of the provincial government of France. (It just so happens, Marlow, that the member was in several meetings where the idea of a new award was tossed around. The current prize is Grand Prix du Festival. You now need to explain yourself. Quickly)

6 If you go, do not try to speak French. If you do, at best, no one will laugh. At worst, your American accent will cause most to walk away. (You have to realize, Marmion, not everyone appreciates you trying to speak the local language. In fact, here comes a representative of Berlitz Language Schools at the request of the locals.)

5 If you go, do not give your opinion about any of the films. If you do, at best, people will think you are a jurist. At worst, you may be overheard by a legitimate jurist. ( Now you are in it, Marque. These folks do not take impersonating a jurist lightly. Since there were only 18 jurists in total and the American was Iris Barry of MOMA, you didn’t stand a chance. Nice try with that wig.)

4 If you go, do not try to place bets that Lost Weekend by Billy Wilder will win an award. If you do, at best, no one will take the bet. At worst, even though the festival is being held in the Casino of Cannes, betting is not sanctioned. (It looks like the local gendarmes and French historian Georges Huisman acting as the Jury President want to speak to you. By the way, Marque you would have won all the bets. Too bad you can’t collect now that you are sitting in the hoosegow.)

3 If you go, do not argue with Italian director Roberto Rossellini about a better ending to his film Open City. If you do, at best, Roberto will think you are nuts. At worst, Roberto will take offense to your comments. (That glove slap to the face, Marsden means you two will be going outside for a duel. I hope you know how to use a sword or a cap lock pistol. Oh my. Well, maybe you can sneak off a Google them.)

2 If you go, do not say anything wrong about the Escargot served at the award banquet. If you do, at best, those around you may not like them either. At worst, your opinion will be overheard by the Chef. (You have to wonder, Marshal, how that person became such a renowned chef and yet be so thin-skinned. In any case, that butcher knife looks really sharp, and it may be time to test your 100 yard dash speed time.)

1 If you go, do not kid Alfred Hitchcock about the fact that his film Notorious’ three reels were shown in reverse order. If you do, at best, he’ll be preoccupied trying to find out who the projectionist was. At worst, since he’s not known as the most patient man, he will not appreciate your humor. (Alfred Hitchcock was once accused of saying, “Actors are cattle.” He violently denied the accusation, Martell, and corrected the accuser. “I never said Actors are cattle,” he argued. “What I said was actors should be treated like cattle.” So now he has a cattle prod, and you should be leaving.)