Tuesday – Anything possible – Kreative Kue #252 by Keith Channing

March 3, 2020March 2, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 53 Comments

In Keith’s words.

“Using this photo (below) as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put it (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before 6pm next Sunday (if you aren’t sure what the time is where I live, this link will tell you). If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here.

Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries next Monday.”

The Photo

Kreative Kue #252

“Now, you have to be very careful with this.”

“I know, I know. You already explained that.”

“Yes, I did, but I want to make sure you know exactly how precious this is.”

“Please don’t lecture me on being careful. After all, you’re the one who dropped the last one.”

“Okay, that was an accident. I was jostled when we traded last time.”

“I’m just saying there is no reason to doubt that I won’t take care.”

“Okay, I get it. I didn’t realize you were so sensitive.”

“I’m not sensitive. You’re always giving me directions that don’t seem necessary is all.”

“Excuse me, but aren’t you the one who always gets nervous on new assignments?”

“You call it nervous I call it thorough because I want to do a good job, unlike some people I know.”

“You can’t be talking about me.”

“I am talking about you, Mr. Oops.”

“Where did that come from?”

“Oh, come on. Your little slip caused an entire system to implode.”

“Wait a minute. That system was tens of millions of years old. it was ready.”

“Says you. Okay, let’s forget it. I have the Orion arm solar system in my hand. You have a nice play day.”

“I will try now that I know you hate me.”

“Quit being a little child. You are a god for heaven’s sake. Act like it.”

“You are always so mean.”

“Cry baby.”

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Monopoly Game in 1933

March 2, 2020March 1, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 66 Comments

Top Ten Things Not to Do

This week marks the 87th anniversary of the invention of the board game Monopoly. The Game was developed based on a 1904 patent by Lizzy Magie for a game called The Landlord’s Game. This game was played one evening in 1932 Charles Todd, and his wife hosted Esther Jones and her husband Charles Darrow for dinner. After dinner, the couples played The Landlord’s Game. After that night, Darrow went on to distribute the game himself as Monopoly. Parker Brothers bought the copyrights from Darrow, and the game was distributed throughout the US and eventually the world.

It would be fun to go to that first game. Of course, itis imperative that we take a list of things not to do so that we don’t inadvertently cause a problem in the time continuum.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Monopoly Game in 1933.

10 In the first game, do not try to convince everyone that Free Parking should have a payoff. If you do, at best, someone will remind you of the real rules. At worst, you will convince them to put all the fines in the middle to be collected by whoever lands on free parking. (Why is that so bad, Kirk? Since you have landed on free parking six times, you tell me. I think your fellow players want to see you outside.)

9 In the first game, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ if he wants to trade his Boardwalk for your Baltic Avenue. If you do, at best, Tiny will think you are joking. At worst, Tiny has not attended his “scammed victims” support group for two sessions. (You see, Keanu, Tiny was scammed out of some stock and lost his life savings. He is in no mood to have that feeling repeated in a game. Yes, you are feeling the pressure of Tiny’s hands on your head. I would say, “Just kidding,” as soon as you can speak. Maybe you need to find a pencil and paper to write it out.)

8 In the first game, if you are the banker, do not forget to pay $200 when a person passes “Go.” If you do, at best, the person will remind you. At worst, the person thinks you are trying to cheat them out of their pay. (Now we have a situation, Keenan. Of course, you didn’t try to trick them on purpose, but it is tough to explain that $200 up your sleeve. Maybe a real $5 bill will help soothe feelings.)

7 In the first game, do not try to figure out whether it is cheaper to pay the income tax of $200 or 10% of your holdings. If you do, at best, you are playing with folks who have the patience of Job. At worst, you are performing with a pack of impatient twenty-somethings. (By the time you figure out your move, Kipp, all the rest of the players have moved on to playing ragtime records and drinking bathtub gin.)

6 In the first game, do not buy everything you land on with no rhyme or reason. If you do, at best, you’ll go broke. At worst, you have prevented anyone else from getting a monopoly, and the game will grind on for weeks. (No, you can’t have food and water, Koby. This was your fault, and you are lucky your game participants let you visit the facilities. Oh, wait, they are discussing that subject again.)

5 In the first game, do not insist on using your favorite token. If you do, at best, no one will care. At worst, that big guy across from you is not interested in giving up the car. (I think I would go ahead and use the iron, Kane. After all, the better part of valor is letting go. The worst part of valor is getting punched in the face.)

4 In the first game, do not laugh fiendishly when an opponent lands on Boardwalk, which you own along with a hotel. If you do, at best, they have the money to pay up. At worst, they don’t have the money and no desire to negotiate. (See there, Kiran. Your fiendish laugh, along with you wringing your hands, has caused your opponent to quit. You could have taken payment in properties by nooooo. Now the game is over.)

3 In the first game, do not think rolling doubles three times won’t land you in jail. If you do, at best, your fellow players will call you on the rules. At worst, your opponents will think you are trying to get away with something and will watch your every move from here on out. (Trying to sneak that Get Out of Jail Free card from the deck will end in disaster, Killian. You may even land in a real jail.)

2 In the first game, do not try to miscount the dice roll, especially if you are going to land on “Go to Jail.” if you do, at best, everyone will be talking and missed the fact. At worst, the guy with the most amount of money has called you out. (What are you going to do now, Karim? You’ve been caught, and by the looks of the guy, he has a less than zero sense of humor.

1 In the first game, do not throw the dice before your opponent has finished their move. If you do, at best, your apology will be accepted. At worst, Earth Quake Muldoon (Your opponent) has decided that you were doing that to rattle him. (I hope you can finish the game from that position, Kellan. I know it will be difficult trying to roll the dice with your feet. That’s gotta hurt right?)

Views of the Neighborhood – Looking for Spring

March 1, 2020February 29, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 79 Comments

Since not too much s going on in Lakeway this week, I set out to see if I could find signs of spring. Well, I did find a few, but not many. I hope you enjoy it anyway.

Views of the Neighborhood

The first thing I found was something that is not too common here in our part of the neighborhood. This is a large Red Bud tree. The photo is unusual cause this Redbud is growing on a lot where the house is being renovated, and the port-a-potty is right below it. I needed to crop that out.

Views of the Neighborhood

Next is a Texas Mountain Laural growing in a shopping center parking area. The tree is in full bloom with lovely grape colored blossoms.

Here is another Mountain Laural in full bloom.

A shot of the Winter Jasmin in bloom (Usually blooms in January )

Views of the Neighborhood

A large Mountain Laural in full bloom.

Views of the Neighborhood

Here is a Mountain Laural in my backyard. Notice it has a whole bunch of buds but has not begun to bloom as yet. except for the one in the close up below.

You can see with this closeup that the blooms are just beginning much like most in the area. The full bloom Mountain Laurels are in the minority

Short tour today since I couldn’t find much else broadcasting the arrival of spring. I hope you have a great week.

Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt – “etc”

February 29, 2020February 29, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 37 Comments

It is Stream of Consciousness Saturday time again, and this week’s prompt needs to be explained by Linda Hill. In her words.

“Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “ect.” Find a word with the letters “ect” in it, and base your post on that word. (Not to be confused with “et cetera,” which is “etc.”) Enjoy!”etc”

If you would like to join in the fun, go to Linda’s blog and read how. It is easy to go off the edge. Here is the link.

The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS Feb. 29/2020

“Well, this certainly is farfetched.”

“You seem upset. What has caused you to express this farfetchedness?”

“I’m looking at the latest Stream of Conscious prompt, and it is wretched.”

“Let me see. Oh my, that is the sketchiest.”

“I know, right? Anything I can think of right now is a stretch.”

“So, you have no idea? Mind if I kvetch?”

“For once, I think I could use something from your mental sketchpad.”

“I’ll take that as a yes. So here is my latest mind stretchability.”

“My brains are outstretched to welcome any idea.”

“That is a visual that’s not very fetching. Here we go with my idea. What don’t you build a dialog around words that have “etc” in them?”

“Like maybe a story about streetcars?”

“Whatever. The important part will be to include an “etc” word in each line. This will etch a commonality in the reader’s mind, and you will have met the prompt.”

“That sounds great. Then in the backstretch, I could do something really super.”

“This is not a horserace, but what are you thinking? I wouldn’t overstretch the concept.”

“Pull out a word that few will know. Like baronetcies.”

“Are you tetched? Why would you do that?”

“To outdo the prompt in the homestretch.”

“Guess what, wretch?”

“What is it, kevetchier?”

“There is a pint with my name on it that will take me away from this wretchedness.”

“And a burger and fries with ketchup?”

“Let’s go fetch it.”

“I have been letching for it all morning.”

“Letch no more my man.”

“How do we stop this kvetching?”

“Grab your coat, etcetera, and walk out the door.”

“Etc no more.”

Friday – New Book Launch – Grinders – By C.S. Boyack

February 28, 2020February 27, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 76 Comments

Friday’s for JohnKu

Today’s a little different…

Craig’s in the house.

I usually have a John Ku and also some thoughts about the week on Friday. Today is a little different. I couldn’t help but do a JohnKu, but the musings will have to wait.

I am delighted to be joined by Craig Boyack, who is launching a new book. I always enjoy Craig’s books and am looking forward to this one. So without any delay, Here’s Craig.

Thanks for inviting me back, John. I’m here to talk about my newest book, Grinders. Grinders is a cyberpunk story, and many of you might be wondering what that is. Maybe my best way to start off is by telling you what it isn’t.

Science Fiction is a huge category. You can divide it up by thinking about space opera and anything with aliens, then everything else. Cyberpunk falls in the everything else category. In that section you can find everything from Godzilla, to Jurassic Park, to Frankenstein, so let’s narrow it a bit more.

Many science fiction stories in the remainder consist of either dystopia or utopia stories. Nope, not those either, but now that we’ve narrowed the field, I feel like I can get into the topic.

Cyberpunk involves a futuristic world where things are not perfect, but not horrible either. It usually focuses on high-tech and a bit of corruption. (That’s the punk part.) In these stories the environment is important and it’s almost like a character itself. I really tried to get this across in my story.

Grinders is set in a futuristic version of San Francisco. I tried to take current events and imagine where we might be in eighty to a hundred years. People solved the energy crisis, but made themselves beholden to the new system. Seas have risen dramatically, but the sea wall never got completed due to political bickering.

Many sections of the city are underwater and parts of the coast are trash piles because of the buildings being destroyed. They managed to clean up some portions of the mess and used the debris to raise the ground where the airport is. I tried to keep this just part of the environment and not make direct and blunt points about it all. You’ll see references to places like Telegraph Island in the story. Those who know SanFrancisco will know this area as Telegraph Hill and it is not an island – for now.

My main characters work for the police department on the Grinder Squad. The city receives grant money for having a dedicated department. When the money arrives, they divert it to more glamorous details. Grinder Squad is the worst of the worst, and all the new cars, supplies, and choice assignments go elsewhere. In other words, political corruption.

Technology is huge in this story, and I tried to take the concept of Alexa or Ring doorbells and project them into the future. Grinders has a futuristic version of personal digital assistants. Advertising is pervasive in this story, and the people living in it can’t avoid a constant stream of ways to separate them from their income.

In other words, I tried to make it futuristic while keeping it more realistic to life in general. Obviously, we’ve ignored science long enough to have a problem with global warming. What might this look like in the future? What would unregulated artificial intelligence look like 100 years from now?

There are good things, too. The grid is a new way of generating cheap power, and I have a whole post planned around this one somewhere down the line. The artificial intelligence is also helpful in the story at times.

At the end of the day, my main characters have to solve the big problems in humanistic ways, and that seems logical, too. I really enjoyed coming up with this expansive environment, and I hope some of your readers will give Grinders a chance.

Thanks for having me over again, John.

***

Blurb:

Jimi Cabot made one mistake as a starving college student. When she went to work for the San Francisco Police Department, it nearly cost her the job. The union stepped in and they had to reinstate her. They did so by assigning her to the duty nobody wants, Grinder Squad.

Grinders are people who use back room surgeries to enhance their bodies with computer chips, and various kinds of hardware. Jimi is sure that if she can just bust one grind shop, it will be her ticket back.

Paired with veteran cop, she soon learns that Grinder Squad is a cash-cow for the department. They are nothing more than glorified patrol cops, and generally get the worst assignments.

Matchless is the most wanted grinder of all time. He disappeared years ago, leaving only the evidence of those he enhanced during his career. With these pieces, Jimi picks up the cold trail to try working her way back to more respectable duty.

Grinders is a cyberpunk story set in a world where global warming has eroded coastlines, and society has solved many of our current problems by replacing them with new ones. There are cyber shut-ins, cyber-currency skimming schemes, and more in this futuristic tale.

This book also takes the opportunity to poke a stick at current issues that seem to have lasted into the future. Entitled people, helicopter moms, overzealous homeowner associations, and lack of decent jobs are all present. Never preachy, these issues make up the day to day work of a patrol officer.

I hope you enjoy Grinders as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you.

Purchase link: http://mybook.to/Grinders

You can contact Craig at the following locations:

Blog My Novels Twitter Goodreads Facebook

Thursday – A Little Personal – Twiggy and Lucy at Play (A Little)

February 27, 2020February 26, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 86 Comments

Twiggy and Lucy

“Hey, Lucy. YOU AWAKE?”

“Um, I am now.”

“How about a game of Puma and Water Buffalo?”

“You get to be the Puma, right?”

“Well, let’s just ask ourselves. Who most resembles the Puma?”

“Sure, and who most resembles the Water Buffalo?”

“I will ask everyone out there. Who indeed.”

“Who are you talking to for heaven’s sake?”

“Just a couple of deer. Certainly, no one who can answer the question.”

“For a minute there….Ah, never mind.”

“So how about it? A quick game? After all, it is fifty degrees.”

“Okay, but don’t start whining when the Water Buffalo gores you silly.”

“The Puma begins the stealthy attack.”

“The Water Buffalo prepares to defend the herd.”

“The Puma stikes with razor-like claws.”

“Which the Water Buffalo deflects.”

Lucy and Twiggy

“The Puma decides to let the Water Buffalo live.”

“The Water Buffalo decides to let the Puma live.”

“That was fun.”

“Yes, it was. Makes a nap so much more beautiful.

Wednesday Story Day – AKA – Hump Day

February 26, 2020February 25, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 47 Comments

“Lucy, wake up. It’s Friday.”
“Nice try Little One. It’s Wednesday.”
“A girl can hope.”

It is Wednesday Story Day again, and last week Larry in his unsubtle way asked Wentworth directly if he sent thugs to kill and Andrew and him. Needless to say, Wentworth went off-hook and demanded Larry and Andrew leave his office. He even threatened to call, as he said, “The real police.” I see Larry is pretty red in the face, so let’s get back there, we don’t want to miss anything.

“What did you just say?”

“Get out of my office.”

“No after that.”

“I don’t remember.”

“Well. Let my friend here refresh your memory.”

“Larry, I wouldn’t do that.”

“Thank you, Andrew, but I know what I’m doing.”

“Have you met Mr.Glock, Wentworth.”

“I-I don’t know what’s going on. Be careful with that thing.”

“So, let me remind you of what you said since you seem to have forgotten your last insult. You said, “Or else I’ll call the real police.”

“I-I don’t remember.”

“Or choose to forget. Now there are some other things that you need to remember. First, Andrew and I are the real police, and we think you are up to your eyebrows in murder.”

“Y-you are threatening me?”

“What does it look like. You want to take a bite out of Mr. Glock? I can certainly arrange it.”

“F-for God’s sake. W-what do you want?”

“The truth, Wentworth. We want the truth and don’t give me that line about not being able to handle the truth.”

“Truth about what?”

“Let’s start with the conversation Cortez had with Rafferty before he was killed.”

“Cortez will have my ass if I say anything.”

“And guess who will if you don’t. By the way, I’m closer to you right now than Cortez.”

“You won’t dare shoot me. You’ll go to jail.”

“What are you talking about? I walked into your office. You charged at me. I had no choice. Right Andrew?”

“Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that, but if so, yes, that’s what happened.”

“So you want to sit down and tell us what you know, or do I start with your left kneecap.”

“My God, you are insane.”

“No, just pissed off. I have been running around chasing shadows for long enough. We have two Boston citizens dead and a whole lot of lying sons bitches laughing up their sleeve. Now we are tired of it all and want to get back home. You going to talk or not.”

“Okay, okay. Let me sit here at my desk. You guys take a chair. Can I get a drink out of my desk drawer? “

“Slow and easy, Sanford.”

“Look out Larry he’s got a gun.”

“Aw shit, Wentworth. Why’d you go and do that? Drop it.”

“Go to hell, Detective.”

*The compression of the sound of a shot rings in their ears

Tuesday – Anything Possible – Kreative Kue #251 by Keith Kreates

February 25, 2020February 24, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 58 Comments

In Keith’s words. “Using this photo (below) as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put it (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before 6pm next Sunday (if you aren’t sure what the time is where I live, this link will tell you). If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here.

Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries next Monday.”

The photo

Kreative Kue #251

“Well, folks. I have given the car a complete check over. I have some good news and some bad news.”

“Doesn’t surprise me there is bad news. That POC has been giving me fits for two years.”

“Now, darling. Let’s not be negative. Let’s hear what the nice man has to say.”

“Okay nice man. Give us the bad news first.”

“You sure you wouldn’t rather have the good news?”

“No, I’m a realist and need to deal with the downside of each issue foremost.”

“Very well, sir. The bad news is I don’t think your car is ever going to run again.”

“What do you mean? I just had the thing completely overhauled before we started on this ill-advised adventure.”

“Now, dear. We shouldn’t bother this nice mechanic with some of our petty feelings about this trip.”

“Not bother him. What about me. I said driving that heap would be a mistake. And who’s idea was it to take a trip to visit who’s mother?”

“Okay, Leonard. Now is not the time to start ranting about my mother.”

“I think it is a perfect time. We came all this way, and do you think she could have at least offered a cup of tea?”

“You know she’s not well.”

“Not well? That old warhorse is far more healthy than you, and I combined.”

“Well, she still has her challenges.”

“Challenges? Let’s call that little gin habit of hers what it is. She’s a lush.”

“Excuse me, folks, but I need to get back to the shop.”

“Ah, forgive us.”

“Yeah, please tell us the good news since the bad news says we are pretty much doomed to call my wife’s mother for help.”

“Wel,l even though your car will never run again, I can give you a tow to the garage.”

“Excuse me. Where is the good news in that? Are you saying you can tow us for no extra charge?”

“Oh, no, sir. The fee will be five hundred dollars.”

“That is exorbitant. I’m still waiting for good news.”

“The good news is I can still offer you a ten dollar coupon good on any service. The offer expires at midnight tonight.”

“Such good news, I’m overwhelmed.”

“We only have these coupons once a year.”

“Yeah, I’m not surprised.”

“You and your wife want to ride in the truck?”

“Or what? Walk?”

“Dark sarcasm in the classroom, sir.”

“Yeah, I know. How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat yer meat?”

“You said it, sir.”

“Here’s my card.”

#New Book – War of Nytefall – Eradication by Charles E. Yallowitz

February 24, 2020February 23, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 12 Comments

Is the Orb of Durag the key to Clyde and the Dawn Fangs destruction?

As Dawn Fang vampires are found dead across Windemere, their infamous leader will remember what it is to be afraid.

With the truce between Nyte and Nytefall nearing its end, an old enemy has emerged to rekindle the vampires’ most ancient feud. A Duragian priest is on the move and he is wielding a weapon that can depower and kill Dawn Fangs. This follower of the Sun God has claimed enough victims that Lord Tempest wants the weapon for himself and Clyde is beginning to worry that his fledgling kingdom is in danger of extinction. When it becomes clear that the mysterious relic and Clyde’s transformation into the first Dawn Fang are connected, he will be forced to face a past that he can barely remember.

What can Clyde do to defend his people, his life, and the child he does not know is on the way from the terrifying Fist of Durag?

Excerpt: Stirring

The thick darkness that greets Clyde’s eyes is suffocating and disturbingly familiar. A disconcerting numbness flows along his skin and plunges all of his senses into a mental fog. He groans as he sits up and touches the warm ground beneath him, his fingers finding it rough and jagged. The memory of being in Gregorio’s lair strikes his mind like a perfectly aimed arrow and he tries to stand up. A dull ache courses through his legs and forces him to remain on the floor, which trembles for a brief moment. Picking up a stone, he can feel the faint carving of half a sun with a grinning face. With a yawn, the vampire throws the rock away and waits for it to land, but the sound of it bouncing takes several minutes to reach his ears. Clyde scowls when the noise ends with a strange thud that reminds him of a fist punching flesh. The distant gurgling of a stream draws his attention to the right and he squints at a strange form that is gradually taking shape in the gloom. Finding the energy to rise, he gets to his feet and wipes the dirt from his body, which he learns is unclothed. The Dawn Fang’s senses steadily return to their full strength and he realizes that his vision has been blocked by his own hair. Luscious and tangled tresses cascade from his head to cover everything from his scalp to his elbows. Wrapping all of the strands around his left hand, he uses his right to slice them off and is about to use his fingers like scissors when his body locks.

The ruins of the Duragian temple are laid out before Clyde, their details making it clear that they are the genuine articles. Bodies of civilians and priests are strewn about the area, all of them having been drained of blood. A white-bricked wall has been marked with scratches that the vampire knows are a foolish attempt to keep track of time, which he abandoned after he had run out of prey. Far in the distance, he can see the tower where he was once held prisoner, its top seven floors having snapped off as it sunk. Light pulses from the enormous structure to drive the cavern’s darkness into the corners. Smaller shrines help to illuminate the streets, which are littered with debris. The smell of rotting meat is thick in the air, the stench emanating from the abandoned food and corpses. Not far away, the vampire sees a cleared area with a burn mark in its center. It takes him a moment to recognize the battered ruins of the execution square, its right side having slumped into a sinkhole.

A pang of doubt and anxiety races through Clyde’s mind as he recalls getting struck by the fake Fists of Durag. He begins to walk through the ruins in search of signs that he is being tricked, but it becomes clear that he is not trapped within an illusion. All attempts to see through the spell are met with failure, which feeds a primal rage in the pit of his soul. Coming to a broken fountain, he kneels and scoops up a handful of stagnant water to drink. The foul liquid makes his tongue burn and his stomach twists to the point where he has to vomit in order to avoid passing out. Focused on his own body, Clyde releases his severed hair when he realizes that his heart is no longer beating. Jamming a finger between his ribs, he touches the organ to find it wrinkled and still. With a growl, he swings his fist at the nearest building only to find that he cannot knock the whole structure over. The vampire stares at the hole in the wall and flexes his fingers, which make the gestures for a claw-growing spell. He curses loudly when he feels his nails lengthen and harden into natural blades.

“What in all of Windemere is going on?” Clyde asks.

Get War of Nytefall: Eradication on Amazon for $2.99!
Add it to your Goodreads To-Read Lists!

*****

Start the adventure from the beginning with War of Nytefall: Loyalty!

Then, follow the vampire-filled fun with War of Nytefall: Lost!

Afterwards, continue the action-packed journey with War of Nytefall: Rivalry!

Interested in more Windemere? Then don’t forget to check out Charles E. Yallowitz’s first series: Legends of Windemere

About the Author:

Charles Yallowitz was born and raised on Long Island, NY, but he has spent most of his life wandering his own imagination in a blissful haze. Occasionally, he would return from this world for the necessities such as food, showers, and Saturday morning cartoons. One day he returned from his imagination and decided he would share his stories with the world. After spending many years fiddling with his thoughts and notebooks, he decided that it was time to follow his dream of being a fantasy author. So, locked within the house with only pizza and seltzer to sustain him, Charles brings you tales from the world of Windemere. He looks forward to sharing all of his stories with you and drawing you into a world of magic.

Blog: www.legendsofwindemere.com
Twitter: @cyallowitz
Facebook: Charles Yallowitz
Website: www.charleseyallowitz.com
Instagram: https://www.i

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Mardi-Gras Celebration in New Orleans in 1827

February 24, 2020February 23, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 53 Comments

Mardi-Gras

This week marks the 193rd anniversary of the first Mardi-Gras celebration in New Orleans. This event just cries out for a visit. Of course, there are some precautions needed, so take this list and try to stay out of trouble.

10 If you are there, do not stand in the french quarter, expecting a big celebration. If you do, at best you’ll miss some crowds. At worst, you will lose the party. (You see, Ken, St Charles street was where the celebration started with a bunch of college students who were trying to duplicate the fun they had in Paris the year before. It looks like you may have to come back next year. Then again, since you are a time traveler, you can pick any year.)

9 If you are there, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ for some doubloons. If you do at best he won’t hear you. At worst, since Tiny missed his last three obsessive-compulsive paranoia group help sessions, he will not be sharing his doubloons today. (In fact, Kamal you have now caused him to believe you will try to steal his stuff. Don’t worry about the landing after that helicopter spin. Tiny usually tosses his opponents into the crowd. Most of them are pretty soft. The crowd, not the toss)

8 If you are there, do not take off your shirt, expecting someone to toss you something. If you do, at best no one will see you. At worst, your lack of a shirt will have been noted by the sheriff. (Looks like you are being written up, Kiley. Not for your public display, which one would expect but for the fact that you frightened several of the horses. How bout you put that shirt back on, okay?)

7 If you are there, do not go into a pub and order a Hurricane to drink. If you do, at best you won’t be understood. At worst, the barkeep will think you are making weather jokes and toss you out. (That’s because the Hurricane was invented at Pat O’Brians bar during World War II when whiskey was in short supply and rum plentiful. It looks like your landing on the street was less than dignified, Kameron. Don’t touch anything until you get a shower.)

6 If you are there, do not ask when the parade will begin. If you do, at best, people will not know what you are talking about. At worst, they will think you have been overserved and call the police. (You are a little early for parades, Kevan. The first did not happen until 1857 when the Krewe of Comus began the idea. (No matter how you try, Kristopher, you are not going to convince that policeman that you haven’t been drinking. Maybe they will name a parade after that wacky guy who kept asking where the parade was being held. Or perhaps not.)

5 If you are there, do not shout at people to throw you beads. If you do, at best you’ll get some strange looks. At worst, people will wonder if you have lost your mind. (The problem is, Kenton the idea of tossing beads from a float came about in the 1880s when a guy dressed as Santa started the tradition. Here come some guys with a costume they want you to try on. Yeah, they don’t call it a straight jacket for nothing.)

4 If you are there, do not tease the constable’s horse. If you do, at best, you’ll have your foot stepped on. At worst, the constable will take offense since he considers his horse a part of the family. (Also, Kofi you are courting a bonk on the head since the constable got a new billy club for his birthday, and he has been itching to try it out.)

3 If you are there, do not ask the Beignets vendor if he has one that is jelly-filled. If you do, at best he just arrived from France and can’t speak English. At worst, you have asked the president of the Keep the Beignet Free from the New World Contamination Society. (It is now time to put those running shoes to the test, Kristoff. That guy has a big knife, and I think he intends to do you harm. He had vowed to murder the next person who denigrated his precious Beignets, and the last one just left.)

2 If you are there, do not let a kid bet you that he can tell you where and when you got your shoes. If you do, at best you only lost a ha’penny. At worst, you were so sure he couldn’t, you bet him all your cash. (You now know, Kiernan that the kid told you you got your shoes on Bourbon Street right now. I guess you have no choice but to pay up. Besides those four big looking guys seem to be with the kid.)

1 If you are there, do not add Tobasco sauce to your gumbo until you taste it. If you do, at best you’re from Texas and can stand the heat. At worst, you will need a gallon of water and three days to recover your voice. (Running around screaming about the flames in your mouth will get you little sympathy, Keiren. You will be labeled a tourist from that time on, and people will avoid you at all costs.)