Tag: humor

Weekend is as Weekend Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 38 Comments
English: Christmas decorations illuminating th...
English: Christmas decorations illuminating the exterior of the Ellen Lovell House, also called Oakenwald Terrace, a bed and breakfast on the National Register of Historic Places in Chatfield, Fillmore County, Minnesota. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Friday is here. Hoo Ray. Now is the time to start planning for an outrageous weekend. Those of you who are working full-time need to take some of the bosses minutes today and really think on how you want to spend the weekend. Go ahead the company won’t mind. After all you think about the company and your job on your time off don’t you?. . .  *crickets* . . .  Of course you do. You can’t fool and old fool. So what’s it to be? Here are a few suggestions to get the old thought process working:

Christmas is next Wednesday so how about packing up the kids, grandparents, and go shopping at the mall? Yes siree that sounds like a joyful thing to do. Don’t forget you will be out and about with thousands of your closest friends, enjoying the Yuletide spirit. If you have any luck you will be given the privilege of buying what you really didn’t want at a price you really didn’t want to pay. As a capper if you are really lucky you and the family will pick up a mild case of the flu that will progressively get worse by Christmas day.

Maybe you would rather go to an exclusive bed and breakfast just the two of you. There you can settle into a quant room that sort of reminds you of your grandma’s house. A degree of authenticity will be found in the mix of mothball, old sock, and camphor smell that you know and love. The real nice part is the cost of the room is just slightly below your month’s rent, but breakfast is included. Speaking of breakfast you will be able to join about ten of similarly minded people all dressed like you and all on their phones. The menu will include fresh squeezed gooseberry juice, cranberry scones with homemade elderberry jam, egg white omelet, and decaf cappuccino with soy foam. You are living now.

A final choice might be a simple weekend home with a few friends. Y’all can start on Saturday with the favorite punch before the football game. You remember it from last year. It’s that milk kind of thing with a rum base and kerosene taste finish. A few of those and you are suddenly transformed back to your undergrad days. You can try as hard as you will, but resistance is futile. Luckily the rest of the weekend will be a blur of football game on the TV, a pickup game of touch football in the snow, several bottles of wine and drinks, something for dinner, exactly what escapes you, and finally to bed in the car in the driveway. (Why you can’t explain) Sunday morning will be all about trying to figure out how many of the guests were offended by whatever when on before you went to sleep in the car. You will tread carefully until the Bloody Mary kicks in and then you will find out the whole truth. Of course you will never do this again.

Hope your choice is at least as good as these. Have a great weekend.

 

 

 

Top Ten No Nos is as Top Ten No Nos Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 23 Comments

Here is the 24th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

 

Cat-CatInCarFootWellWhichPedalMakes

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Traveling With a Cat

10.  When traveling with a cat by car, do not assume that your cat will not get car sick.  Take it for a short spin first.  Usually five minutes is long enough to determine if you will need to pull over to the side of the road and empty the pet carrier of the results of a double end evacuation response while keeping kitty contained in the car.

9.  When traveling with a cat by car, do not assume that because your cat sleeps all day, it will also sleep through a two-day trip up the coast.  At best, your cat will keep a running commentary in cat-speak attempting to convince you to provide a release from the confining pet carrier.  At worst, your cat will scream like a banshee and you’ll end up with hearing loss as a lasting souvenir of the trip.

8.  When traveling with a cat by car, and your cat is behaving in the worst-case scenario of #9, do not let your cat out of the pet carrier thinking it just needs a little room to stretch out.  At best, your cat will simply continue to howl, but now with the added advantage of being to do so directly into your ear.  At worst, your cat will nose-dive to the floor on the driver’s side, and you will narrowly miss a few or more accidents as you keep stepping on your cat while feeling for the brake.

7.  When traveling with a cat by train, do not try to sneak your cat on board what you know is a non-pet-friendly train.  Just because you’ve trained your cat to lay across your shoulders like an overfed mink stole, doesn’t mean that the conductor will be fooled.  One growl from Fluffy might be enough to find yourself and your cat dropped off at the next station, if you’re lucky.  If you’re not lucky, you’ll be charged with animal abuse and Fluffy will have the satisfaction of seeing you take the perp walk off the train.

6.  When traveling with a cat by train, do not think that your fellow travelers will find your cat’s antics as amusing as you do.  Hiding under your seat and swiping at every foot that passes by within an inch of Smoky’s nose is at best annoying to passengers trying to walk the aisle unmolested.  At worst, you will have forgotten to clip Smoky’s claws and so those needle-sharp claws will snag on every sock or exposed skin that passes by.

5.  When traveling with a cat by train, do not think it is okay to allow your cat to use the seat upholstery as a scratching post.  At best, you’ll simply be admonished by the conductor to put Tigger back in his pet carrier (providing that you are not guilty of #7).  At worst, you will be made to take a pair of scissors and needle and thread and attempt to repair the damage done by Tigger (and he will watch you the whole time with great satisfaction).

4.  When traveling with a cat by plane, do not think that once the seatbelt sign has been turned off that you can let Kitty out of the pet carrier stowed under the seat in front of you.  While you may think Kitty won’t bolt the second she senses freedom, in fact, she will.  In the best case, she’ll get no farther than the passenger next to you who just happened to bring a chicken sandwich on board.  In the worst case, she will go careening down the aisle and into First Class, lost to you forever.

3.  When traveling with a cat by plane, do not assume that Felix, who had never worn a leash and harness before, will remain calm while going through the security checkpoint.  At best, Felix will simply attach himself to your leg like Velcro and the TSA will defer giving you a full body scan.  At worst, Felix will make the Tasmanian devil seem meek by comparison and you will be held financially responsible for the “pain and suffering” of the TSA agents if not tasered first.

2.  When traveling with a cat on a cruise ship, well, first ask yourself why you would do that.  Then, if Merlin manages to escape from your cabin, the best you can hope for is someone finding Merlin huddled in the kitchen, sampling the chicken being prepared for that evening’s meal.  In the worst-case scenario, the ship’s crew will have found a new mascot.

1.  When traveling with a cat on a cruise ship, don’t let the staff talk you into working Snowy as a mouser in return for a discount on your ticket.  For one thing, there probably aren’t any little mice on the ship and what she comes across may just catch her instead.  For another, Snowy prefers Fancy Feast’s Beef and Cheddar Cheese Feast and will undoubtedly go on a hunger strike if she is served anything different.

Shopping Is as Shopping Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 20 Comments
Animated sequence of a race horse galloping. P...
Animated sequence of a race horse galloping. Photos taken by Eadweard Muybridge (died 1904), first published in 1887 at Philadelphia (Animal Locomotion). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Wednesday seems like a good day to tell a little story. I was thinking on what to post today and I tumbled a few ideas around in my head.(Nice thing there isn’t much in there to get in the way) I thought I would come up with a holiday story, but right now it is a little too far away for the story to have the same meaning. I also considered doing one of those surprise ending – mystery – type things, but felt the holidays were a little too close for something macabre. So, I settled on what you see here. It is a story of a guy caught trying to enter a department store with a horse while doing some holiday shopping. It’s titled Me and my Pal and I hope you like it.

Me and My Pal by John W. Howell ©2013

“Excuse me sir, but you can’t bring that animal into the store.”

“This so called animal happens to be a thorough bred horse.”

“Yeah I can see that, but you still can’t have it in the store.”

“Why not? He’s housebroken and cleaner than a lot of the folks I see in here. He wiped his feet before coming through the door.”

“He just may be cleaner, but he is still an animal and animals are not allowed.”

“What about service animals? Would you deny the entrance of a seeing eye dog for example?”

“No sir. We would not. Clearly your horse is not a service animal.”

“Oh but he is.”

“Sure sir. Your horse is a service animal. What service if I may be so presumptuous as to ask?”

“He is a gift horse.”

“A what?”

“A gift horse.”

“Okay I give, what is a gift horse?”

“A horse with the smarts to tell you when you have the right gift.”

“Sir I am going to have to ask you to step outside before I call security.”

“No I mean it. Watch I’ll show you. See this gift set of cologne, powder, and moisturizer?”

“Yeah I see it so what?”

“Well here. I’ll just pick it up and show it to the gift horse and ask if it is the right gift. The horse will nod his head yes if it is right and stomp his foot if wrong.”

“How does he know who the gift is for?”

“Oh that’s easy. I just tell him.”

“You tell him?”

“Yeah watch. I’ll hold this set under his nose and call him by My Pal. That’s his name.”

“Uh okay.”

“My Pal, does this look like a good gift for Judy?”

“He is stomping his foot.”

“See it means it is not the right gift.”

“Okay I have had enough. I need you and My Pal here to go outside.”

“Wait I have one more. My Pal, see this hundred-dollar bill? Would it make the right gift for this nice department store employee so you and I can continue shopping?”

“He is nodding yes. . . Did I hear you say he was housebroken?”

Top Ten No Nos Is as Top Ten No Nos Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 29 Comments

Here is the 22nd installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

dogdriving

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Traveling with Dogs

10.  If you are traveling with your dog by car, refrain from putting your pet in a pet taxi on the roof because there’s no room inside.  At best, it will be a short trip once you realize that the laws of motion sickness dictate a downward flow  over your windshield.  At worst, given your heartless demeanor your family may decide to strap you to the car’s roof on the way home.

9.  If you are traveling with your dog by car, avoid letting your dog drive, no matter how tired you may be and how good a driver you think he is.  At best, your dog will insist on making frequent stops at every fire hydrant he sees. At worst, your dog will confuse the stop and go lights at intersections since they can’t distinguish between red and green, and you will wind up having to explain to your insurance company and the police how your unlicensed operator dog wound up in your driver’s seat with the keys in its paw.

8.  If you are traveling with your dog by car, do not put your dog in the front passenger’s seat wearing sunglasses and clothes just so you can use the carpool lane.  It doesn’t matter how much your dog might look like your spouse.  Chances are you’ll be pulled over by a traffic cop who will then take a photo of your dog, put it up on Facebook tagged with your spouse’s name (which you were stupid enough to give), and you’ll have divorce papers or worse waiting for you when you get home.

7.  If you are traveling with your dog and planning to stay at hotels, be sure the hotel will accommodate pets.  A barking dog is bad enough in a pet-friendly hotel; but in a non-pet-friendly hotel, at best, you’ll be charged double for disturbing your neighbors.  At worst, you and your dog may have to take shelter at a shelter.

6.  If you are traveling with your dog and staying at a pet-friendly hotel, do not think that just because the hotel is pet friendly, everyone else is.  At best, some guests may just asked to be removed from your immediate vicinity due to the incessant (but to your ears, endearing) yapping of your young pug.  At worst, you and your dog may wind up like #7, taking shelter in a shelter.

5.  If you are traveling with your dog by plane, don’t think that just because you taught Hugo, your Great Dane, how to roll up into a ball, you can claim him as carry-on baggage.  At best, Hugo won’t fit under the seat and you’ll have his head in your lap for the whole flight.  At worst, the airport won’t be deceived by your efforts and will have the TSA examine you for other hidden dogs.

4.  If you are traveling with your dog by plane and your dog actually does fit into a soft carry-on bag, do not assume that the flight attendant will appreciate your frequent requests for water, doggie biscuits (because the ones you had on you were confiscated by TSA), or wee-wee pads.  At best, the flight attendant might simply douse you with water and suggest that your dog lick it off you.  At worst, the attendant will be so smitten with your Pomeranian and its pink bow, she  will offer to take her to the galley to feed her and that will be the last you see of either the attendant or your dog.

3.  If you are traveling with your dog by train, do not think that all the other passengers will find it entertaining if you let your dog run up and down the length of the train car for exercise.  At best, your dog might get tired from all the running and you won’t be able to coax him off the train when you reach your destination. At worst, you might find both of you dumped off at the next station, hundreds of miles from your destination as the Siberian winter sets in.

2.  If you want to take a cruise with your dog, do not try to pass your dog off as a service animal in order to sidestep the cruise line’s no pet policy.  While your dog might do quite well at acting the part of a service animal, chances are you will forget which disability you chose.  At best, cruise line staff might start following you around, suspicious that at one moment you claim to be deaf and the next you’re singing along to music from your iPod.  At worst, you might find yourself set in a dinghy tethered to the stern of the ship, while your dog gets to stay on board and play with the cruise line staff for the rest of the trip.

1.  If you are traveling with your dog on a pet-friendly cruise line, take precautions to make sure the cruise line stays pet-friendly.  For example, do not allow your dog to jump into the pool with the other passengers just because your dog loves to swim.  At best, you’ll be made to clean the pool by yourself.  At worst, you may find yourself taking a swim that is a bit longer than across   the pool.

 

Thanksgiving Eve is as Thanksgiving Eve Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 25 Comments

Thanksgiving

Wednesday seems to come quicker every week. I guess that is a good thing considering it is the first time in the week we think about being able to make the weekend. This week is kind of special in it is Thanksgiving Eve. I’m not sure anyone really thinks of a particular day in this manner. Hey, it is better than just letting the day before Thanksgiving go by without notice. In honor of Thanksgiving Eve I’m going to tell a little story on Fiction Favorites about “The Night before Thanksgiving.” Before I start, I need to set the mood. Ready? Okay here goes; a nice fire is in the fireplace, cats, dogs, kids and family gathered around.  Cranberry scone and a mug of hot pumpkin spice toddy (give me some slack, this is fiction) is in your hand. The CD player is set up with one-hundred of your favorite Thanksgiving songs and the soft Thanksgiving lights are twinkling on the Thanksgiving tree. I think we are there. Here is the story:

 

The night before Thanksgiving,

 

All around the place.

 

The family has gathered,

 

In every inch of space.

 

The turkey is soaking,

 

To thaw in water base.

 

The drinks, food are bought,

 

Stored, guarded by mace.

 

Teenagers seem quiet,

 

New games of face?

 

Mother-in–law has advice,

 

Need a fly to chase.

 

Dad in the cups,

 

Never liked that vase.

 

Sis is complaining,

 

Husband left, no trace.

 

Still it’s good,

 

Thanksgiving embrace.

 

Happy Thanksgiving y’all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Top Ten No No’s is as Top Ten No Nos Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 22 Comments

Here is the 21st installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy

turkey-eat-ham

Top Ten Things Not to do with Your Thanksgiving Turkey

10.  If you get a live bird for Thanksgiving, do not let your kids dress it up as a pilgrim. At best the bird might actually look good. At worst you’ll probably be having carry out for dinner after the kids discover what is going to happen to their new best friend

9.  If you decide to get a live bird for Thanksgiving, do not listen when it starts singing “gimmie three steps . . . gimmie three steps mister. . . Gimme three steps toward the door.” Chances are that your kids are playing Lynard Skynard too loud and you’ve already had too many celebratory drinks.

8. If you decide to get a live bird for Thanksgiving, do not watch the “Presidential Pardon” ceremony on TV with your kids. You will likely end up with the same problem as item #10.
7.  If you decide to go hunting for your Thanksgiving turkey, be aware the turkey population has ways of fooling you into shooting a cow or your hunting partner.  The turkey won’t care who gets hurts as long as it’s not a turkey.

6.  If you plan on deep-frying your Thanksgiving turkey, do not drop a cold icy bird into a giant vat of hot peanut oil. At best you will have an overflow of hot liquid that will take a lot of elbow grease to clean up. At worst you may burn down your house.

5.  If your turkey is still frozen on Thanksgiving, do not invent a game where the turkey is used as a bowling ball with empty beer bottles as pins. It may sound fun after you’ve had all those before dinner drinks, but the clean-up of thawed bird and broken glass will be hell.

4.  If you plan to serve fresh turkey on Thanksgiving, do not let the bird sit out as you would a frozen one. At best you’ll wind up with a precooked bird; at worst, you will all wind up seeing the friendly ER doctor in the early morning hours.

3.  If you plan to serve tofu turkey for Thanksgiving, do not try to dress it up to look like an actual turkey. Your guests won’t be fooled and might actually wonder if you have lost your mind.

2.  If you find that your turkey is too big for the refrigerator, do not put it out in the cold garage on the hood of the car. At best your cat may help itself and you’ll have shredded turkey for dinner.  At worst you may forget the turkey is there until you’re making that frantic dash to the store for eggnog at which point you slam on the brakes, your turkey rolls off the hood and into the street, and then is run over by a Hummer.

1.  If you have leftover turkey for Thanksgiving, do not try to disguise it in other forms. You are not on “Chopped” and good ole turkey is best served as itself.

 

The Best Workday Is as The Best Workday Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 20 Comments

cacfriday5

Friday is the day we have been waiting for. We started out the week on Monday and made some personal notes to self that we would never ever party like a rock star again. Look at us today. We are working our duff off so we can go out tonight for another meeting of the Bacchus Brothers Social Club. WHAT IS WRONG WITH US ANYWAY?  Did we not learn a valuable lesson last week? Did we not make it home in one piece? Did we not swear to the ceramic deity that we would never cast major dispersion onto the still waters again? Yet here we are looking anxiously forward to another Friday night and weekend. I think insanity has been described as repeating the same action expecting a different outcome. Okay so here is a question:

How many think that the number of drinks we had last week will not produce the same effect as before is we do it again this week? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? *Crickets*

I thought not. Of course the answer is, the same number of drinks in the same amount of time will produce the same results. You know  the results:

  • Speaking into the ceramic microphone.
  • Calling train arrivals such as, “Poughkeepsie,” and “Pittsburg.”
  • Walking around with a headache so big you wish for bolt of lightning to take you out.
  • Hands shaking so bad people think you’ve got at least three of each.

Well, since we never learn, here is a little Haiku to help you through the weekend.

Get Up By John W. Howell ©2013

Find the light today,

Yesterday is not too clear. . .

Tomorrow is life.

Have a great weekend.

Top Ten No Nos is as Top Ten No Nos Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 13 Comments

Here is the Nineteenth installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy. This list is in recognition of those who are planning to travel during the Thanksgiving holiday.

terminal

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Traveling

10.  If you decide to drive your car when traveling, do not pack the trunk and backseat so that all the passengers need supplemental oxygen to stay alive.

9.  While traveling in the car, do not think your favorite onion and Limburger cheese sandwiches will go unnoticed when you go for a snack. If you do, you may find yourself on the roof with grandmother.

8.  If you are the designated driver for a portion of the trip, do not think you can rest your eyes for even a moment. If you do, you may find permanent rest as well as a handsome marker on the side of the highway with your name on it.

7.  If you should experience a flat tire while driving on a trip, do not attempt to instruct your spouse or traveling companion on the intricacies of changing a tire while you stand-off to the side observing. If you do, you may be wearing the spare for the rest of the journey.

6.  If you decide to take an airplane when traveling, do not try to tell security why your religion forbids taking off your shoes. If you do, you may find a full body search applied as the viable alternative.

5.  When on an airplane while traveling, do not call a flight attendant by repeatedly pressing the flight attendant call button. If you do, your reward may just be a visit from Mr. Coffee in your lap.

4.  When on an airplane while traveling, do not complain loudly and frequently about the lack of food or water. If you do, the flight crew might insure that you may get the same experience as you would on the ground at Guantanamo.

3.  When on an airplane while traveling, do not attempt to recline your seat without asking the person behind you if it is OK. If you don’t ask, the passenger behind you may choose to see you later in the terminal where no air marshals are present.

2.  When getting off the airplane and you are seated in the back row, do not try to push your way forward while other people are trying to retrieve their carry-on bags. If you do, you chance being kidnapped by Somali pirates and held for ransom. (Oh, if it only worked that way.)

1.  When walking as a group through the air terminal while traveling, do not walk five abreast while counting the steps to baggage claim to see who wins the bet. If you do, here’s hoping a baggage cart slides sideways trying to stop, but connects with your group like you are ten-pins in a bowling alley.

Time is as Time Does – A Haiku

~ John W. Howell ~ 17 Comments

Friday

 

Friday has arrived (Ta Da) and it has been a very good week. The household managed to survive the Fall Back to standard time. We now get a lot of things done between six and seven when we used to lie around in the bed SLEEPING. The reason for this situation is, our two dogs cannot get used to the time change. I think the real issue is we never taught them how to tell time. They use little inner clues like; hungry, potty, and sunrise to let them know when it is time to alert their humans that the sleep cycle is over and it is now time to hunt.

Our boxer is used to placing her nose right under the sleeping human’s nose to detect life. (Or not) Once life is detected, the emotional glad-you-are-still-able-to-provide-kibble-and-a-walk lick is placed starting from the chin and ending at the forehead. No amount of holding breath or other forms of faking it works. When the lick is applied, the human is expected to throw back the covers and exit the sleep module. Failure to do so is challenged by a quick, but piercing bark followed by what can best be described as a butt sit. This is where all sixty pounds of the boxer is concentrated in  her butt which she promptly finds a spot to perch on you. If this fails to produce the results, she then goes to the Silky Terrier to generate a response which produces a round of barking that only the dead could sleep through.

Instead of this process beginning at six-thirty it now begins at five-thirty and there is no sign that it will ever change until we go back to Daylight Savings Time again.

Here is a little Haiku in honor of Friday and Central Standard Time.

Time by John W Howell © 2013

The alarm wakes some,

Dogs disturb the sleep…

Friday please have clouds.