Tag: humor

Midweek is as Midweek Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 22 Comments

Wednesday

Wednesday has arrived once again. There is only a short time left if you need to get a ton of things done by Friday. The bright side says that Friday is viewable from Wednesday. One only has to cross the wasteland known as Thursday to make the golden appointment with the entryway to the weekend. The Golden Entryway to the weekend. I like the phrase as it describes Friday pretty nicely.

Since this is only Wednesday let’s not spent too much of Wednesday’s time on the merits of Friday. Wednesday has some really good points of its own. (It just occurred to me that I am making these days sound as if they are optional occurrences and I am working as an agent in trying to convince you to select them. Even though these days arrive and we are in no position to reject their arrival, I think it is productive to have some nice things to look forward to as they show up.)  So here are some nice things about my old pal Wednesday:

  • No one gets fired on Wednesday. A particular pleasure of management is to reserve the surprise of the pink slip to Friday so that it can be fully enjoyed over the weekend.
  • When national holidays occur on Wednesday you can elect to tag on two other days in the beginning or after to make the whole thing worth Five days instead of one.
  • Bosses day usually falls on a Wednesday and gives you the opportunity to make a number of brownie points that will serve you well for the remainder of the year.
  • A number of bars and clubs have drink specials on Wednesday which can be a great excuse to celebrate the middle of the work week.
  • Administrative Assistant Day is on a Wednesday
    in April of each year and gives you the opportunity to bribe thank your boss’s administrative assistant for all the wonderful and helpful things done for you.
  • The most DUI arrests take place on a Friday and the least on a Monday. Wednesday is right in the middle so your odds of avoiding a DUI arrest on Wednesday is very good. Your odds are really great if you don’t drink and drive.
  • Valentine’s day will not be on a Wednesday until sometime after 2016. This means you are safe on Wednesday if you tend to forget.

Can you think of any other good things for a Wednesday? If so why not share them. Here is hoping you have a good balance of the week

Wednesday is as Wednesday Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 26 Comments
Slow Time in Wrist Watch on Dry Leaf
Slow Time in Wrist Watch on Dry Leaf (Photo credit: epSos.de)

 

Wednesday shows up faster and faster each week. It is quite amazing how that happens. Here we are mid-week and it seems like we just left the weekend. I heard tell by some old folks one time that as you get older time moves faster. I suppose that is true when I think about being a kid waiting for baseball season to start. It looked to me as if it would never get underway when I was growing up.. As an old fart I turn around and the World Series is almost over in what appeared to be a blink of an eye from spring practice. That’s how it goes I guess. Given this train of thought I decided to list some the things that move fast in life and those that move slow. This list is very subjective and I wouldn’t mind if you wanted to take exception to what I perceive to be the timing of these events. Also you may have some of your own so feel free to use the comments section for those. Don’t forget the blog is called Fiction Favorites so don’t be afraid to make things up. I do it all the time.

Here is the list of fast and slow time movers:

  • Waiting in the rain for a bus, taxi, or car pool ride and you are wearing wool. – Slow Time mover
  • Preparing for an agent pitch that begins in a half hour and you had four days to work on – Fast Time mover
  • The time between the last anniversary, birthday, or mother’s day that you forgot and the next – Fast Time mover
  • The time that the seatbelt light goes off on a flight after you realize the BIG GULP you had with lunch needs to go somewhere. – Slow Time mover
  • The pay raise that you were promised shows up in your check – Slow Time mover
  • The extra taxes that you have taken out of your check – Fast Time mover
  • Time between in law visits – Fast Time mover
  • The amount of time on the meter where you parked your car – Fast Time mover
  • The time it takes to get a table after you have been seated in the bar – Slow Time mover
  • The time it takes to check out of the supermarket in the ten items or less lane – Slow Time mover
  • April 15th (Tax day in the US) – Fast time mover
  • The time spent in the doctor’s office after your appointment time. – Slow Time mover.
  • The amount of time left for your team to catch up from behind. – Fast Time mover
  • The amount of time the opponent’s team has to catch up from behind – Slow Time mover
  • The time between when your airplane takes off after a delay and the time the pilot said you were going to take off after the delay – Slow Time mover
  • The time between the notification by HR that your bosses boss wants to see you and the time your boss comes into you cube. – Fast Time Mover
  • The time to lunch when you decided to skip breakfast. – Slow Time mover
  • The time to dinner when you had no time for lunch – Slow Time mover.
  • The effects of alcohol on your system when you skipped breakfast, lunch, and dinner. –Fast Time mover.
  • The trip to Disney World with three kids from the time you leave home until you get there. (hint: “are we there yet?”) – Slowest Time mover

Well you get the idea. Happy Hump Day Y’all.

Top Ten No No’s is as Top Ten No No’s Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 22 Comments

Here is the Seventeenth installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy. This list is in recognition of Halloween which will be celebrated this week.

halloween

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Halloween

10. If you decide to dress up for Halloween, do not take this opportunity to show the world parts of your body that should be kept completely private. At best the parts that are visible will only lead the viewer to believe you are older, more out of shape, or hairier than you really are. At worst you end up trying to explain to a judge why you don’t need psychological care.

9. If you decide to take your kids trick or treating, try to refrain from going through the treat bag for the sole purpose of pulling out all the full size Twix and Snickers bars. Oh sure, you can pretend to inspect the candy for safety, just don’t get caught with that Hershey bar in your back pocket.

8. While trick or treating with the kids, try to refrain from making comments about the treats being handed out. When you least expect it, the spouse of the person handing out the treats will be behind you trick or treating at their own house. At best you may not know they are there. At worst you’ll find yourself groveling in front of your own children.

7. While handing out treats at your own house, refrain from asking the bigger kids about how old they are. It could be one of them is a parent accompanying a child or, worse, a disturbed teen just looking for an excuse to let the air out of your tires.

6. If you are invited to a Halloween party and the invitation clearly says “please come in costume,” refrain from ignoring that part of the invitation. Showing up and explaining that you are dressed for work won’t go over well with the hosts. Of course, the only exception to this would be if you are unemployed.

5. When dressing up for Halloween, refrain from wearing a costume that could interfere with the triage process at an emergency room. You never know what may happen but you certainly want the emergency room personnel to believe you are human and not a piece of food.

4. If you should run out of treats on Halloween, do not try to pass off leftovers, boxes of cereal, or fruit of any kind as your offering for trick or treat. If you try, at best you will look like a cheapskate. At worst you may need a power washer to get all the soap off your windows,

3. If you decide to set up an elaborate scheme to haunt little kiddies as they come to your house to trick or treat, try to understand that a child’s digestive system will take only so much surprise. After this amount is exceeded, the natural tendency is for the body to lighten its load to prepare for the flight response. Just dropping bags of candy will probably not be the sole items of evacuation.

2. When you decide to carve your pumpkin for Halloween, refrain from carving words that you would not be proud to carry into next Sunday’s church service. Although it is pretty fun to invent new things to say on a pumpkin carving, little minds may have way too many questions for their parents about what you have written and the parents may come to you for answers.

1. When helping the children trick or treat, refrain from drinking every drink that is offered to you by friendly neighbors. Time does get away from us while having fun and more than an ounce of alcohol per hour tends to impair certain judgment factors such as: when to go home and where to sleep. At best you may spend time stumbling around. At worst you may forget where you live and have to ask your kids for directions

Top Ten No Nos is as Top Ten No Nos Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 19 Comments

Here is the Sixteenth installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy. This list was put together at the request of Minion Leader Ionia Martin at http://readfulthingsblog.com.

library

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Library

  1. When at the library, refrain from using the stacks in the archived periodicals section to conduct an amorous liaison.  While you may think that few if any people browse those stacks, chances are there will be at least one lonely doctoral student who will trip over you while you are in flagrante delicto with the potential of causing all of you great distress.
  2. When at the library, do not try to sneak in food and drink from anywhere, much less a fast food restaurant.  Libraries prohibit food and drink as it is, but the aroma (or odor) of greasy burgers and fries will likely draw a sizeable crowd of children to your table, all of whom will want a bite of your lunch or, if gone, you.
  3. When at the library, do not try the patience of the reference librarian by asking questions like, “So, who first discovered drinking milk from a cow?” At best, the librarian will simply point you to the stacks on animal husbandry.  At worst, the librarian will pull out a cattle prod and demonstrate its use … on you.
  4. When at the library, do not think it is okay to talk loudly on your cellphone just because you found a “quiet” corner away from other patrons.  Sound carries and it is the mission of every librarian to ensure a quiet place for study.  You may get to finish your call before they find you, but it will be the last call you ever make in that library once the librarians are done with you and possibly your firstborn as well.
  5. When at the library, do not use library staff as free babysitters.  No matter how adorable your children might be, it is not the purpose nor necessarily the desire for librarians to break up squabbles between 3-year-old twins, assist your two-year-old to the toilet for a lesson in potty training, or chase after the 5-year-old boy who insists on running through the stacks to burn off the high sugary breakfast you gave him that morning.  The next time you show up to drop off your kids, the librarians might (literally) rope you into a game of dancing around the May Pole, with you as the pole.
  6. When at the library, do not commandeer the computers in the children’s section.  Just because these interactive computer games weren’t available when you were young (much less computers) doesn’t mean that you can push kids out of their chairs and take over the computer.  At best, the children will sulkily go away to another room.  At worst, the children will return with both parents (one of whom is a professional wrestler) and the head librarian in tow and you will quickly find yourself bouncing down the library steps on your bum.
  7. When at the library, do not think anyone would think it is funny or entertaining for you to take every copy of Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex and put them alongside The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Calculus, the Bible, and Mastering the Art of French Eating.  If you are caught by a librarian, you will likely wind up having to unstack and restack the Fiction section fifty times for penance, or, worse, an embarrassing request for a date.
  8. When at the library, do not return DVDs or CDs without first checking and cleaning them if necessary.  It would only be a matter of time before the librarians would figure it out that it is you returning DVDs and CDs after you’ve used them to play Frisbee with your cats or as coasters at your Saturday Margarita fest.  Once you’re found out, you’ll likely be sent to the basement where they will make you clean every DVD and CD in their collection, as well as rewind every cassette and video tape.
  9. When at the library, do not drop off your soiled and smelly paperbacks and magazines as donations.  Before long, the library patrons will associate the odd cat-wizz smell coming from the donations bin with the same  smell that consistently comes from your shoes. (Dear kitties love the warmth of your shoes and they seem to hold a lot.)  At best, they will have security bar you from dropping off your donations before you even enter the door.  At worst, you will be forced to clean each and every one of your donations until their smell no longer causes people to wrinkle their noses and start sneezing.
  10. When at the library, do not stack towers of books on a table, peruse a few of them, and then just walk away.  It may be the librarian’s (low-paying) job to return books to the stacks, but to horde books without any concern to the other patrons will cause you to fall into disfavor among the librarians.  At best, they will simply shoot you nasty looks as they retrieve your tower of books.  At worst, they will make a wall of said books and bury you behind it along with the convicted felon doing community service.

 

Top Ten No No’s is as Top Ten No No’s Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 16 Comments

Here is the Twelfth installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not To Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Little league

Top Ten Things Not To Do at a Little League Game

10.  When at a little league game, do not assume that your brief foray into sports during high school makes you an expert in the game your child is in.  Chances are the coaches are the real experts and the advice you try to give them will, if you are lucky, fall on deaf ears; if not lucky you might be told to butt out.

9.  When at a little league game, do not presume to call out penalties as if you were the referee unless you are prepared for the crowd of child worshiping parents from the other team to call you out and off the field.

8.  When at a little league game, do not assume the game is just a pint-size version of an adult game where gambling is commonplace.  Chances are the other parents will not take kindly to you placing bets on their kids’ losing, and you could be tossed out of the game minus your ante.

7.  When at a little league game, do not show up wearing your uniform from high school, especially if you’ve been out of high school for many, many years.  Chances are you’ll rip open your pants the first time you sit down on a bench, your kids will fumble the play from sheer embarrassment, and your spouse will impose a new diet on you starting that night.

6.  When at a little league game, do now show up toting your own keg of beer.  Chances are the BYOB you saw in the flyer advertising the game meant “Bring Your Own Ball,” not “Bring Your Own Beer.”

5.  When at a little league game, do not prowl the sidelines and try to make eye contact with your kid.  Chances are your kid will be too busy trying to play the game and not see to warn you that the ball just tossed is headed straight for your stomach.

4.  When at a little league game, do not spend the whole time pretending to be videotaping the game on your smart phone when in fact you are checking your email, the latest stock reports and weather updates.  Chances are the parents nearest you will see what you are up to and might use your phone for a spontaneous game of catch.

3.  When at a little league game, do not offer to take all the kids out for ice cream unless you own a Greyhound bus, the ice cream stand, or your name is Warren Buffet.

2.  When at a little league game, do not attempt to join the cheerleaders at any point during the game.  Chances are, if you attempt to do splits in the air, you’ll wind up dislocating your hips, an ambulance will have to be called, the game will be over, and your kids will never speak to you again.

1.  When at a little league game, do not shower insults on kids from the opposing team.  Chances are their parents will hear you, their parents will be bigger than you, and when they come to beat you up, no one will protect you because yelling at kids is just wrong.

Non-Activity is as Non-Activity Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 41 Comments

Activity diagram

I received a comment on a post celebrating looking forward to the end of the week. The comment was basically about non-activity. Non-activity being defined as something you do that could be considered nothing. This is not to be confused with wasting time since wasting time is an actual activity. Have I lost you yet? Well, in case I have, let me give you an example. Sleeping is a non-activity. It is something you do, but can’t really point to the event as if it were an accomplishment. The exception is, of course all the insomniacs who finally drop off to sleep.

So with that example, here is a list of some non-activities. You may have some you can add. If so go ahead and drop a comment below.

Non-activities:

  1. Remaining on hold while the service technician solves the problems of other customers. You have all been there. You dial customer service and then are told by a recording that other customers are more important than you. The excuse is that all calls are handled in the order that they are received. You really believe this? Somewhere a non-activity director believes you need some non-activity and so *plunk* there you are.
  2. Waiting in line to order a high-priced coffee drink from some stuck up, snot nosed barista who actually think they are a professional. I can’t think of a better non-activity than to take an already fragile and low self-esteem profile and squeeze it through the key hole of rudeness that is the hallmark of so many places today. If your self-esteem profile was high; you would tell the place and the snot nosed barista to shove it, rather than wait ten minutes for a legal beverage.
  3. Sitting in the waiting room of a car dealer waiting for them to finish fixing something on your car that should not have broken in the first place. You get the picture. All those magazines on auto mechanics, tires and cars lying around with no covers and the coffee machine with the out-of-order sign. You were told the repair would take just a few minutes by a big ol boy named Roy, but it has been over an hour and a half. If you are really lucky you will be sharing the waiting room space with a toddler who running back and forth screaming while coughing with the sound you last heard while in the Peace Corps serving in Calcutta. The final non-activity curse is the Wi-Fi is password protected and no one knows the password.
  4. Waiting for a replacement aircraft to be put into service so your flight that has been delayed for three hours can finally take off. This is another of the conundrum type of non-activity events that cause you to wonder who is running the Earth. Yes the aircraft you were scheduled to take needed to be replaced since a critical part is malfunctioning. The key question is “why the hell does it take three hours to find another aircraft that is working?” Don’t think about the fact that maybe the same part is going out at the same time on all the aircraft of this particular airline. Just concentrate on the non-activity. Sit and try not to scream.
  5. Waiting for the results of tests to come back. This one affects us all. It doesn’t matter the test; medical, academic, drug, driving either. We all have that period of time where life is almost impossible to go on normally until the results are known. We tend to be semi-frozen in a state of non-activity since we don’t want to proceed with plans until the test results are in. Once the results are known good or bad, then we can pick up and continue our lives with the new information. The non-activity director relishes the disruptive factor of test results.

Well those are a few of the non-activities that came to my mind. Maybe you can add some more. Have a great weekend.

 

Top Ten No No’s is as Top Ten No No’s Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 18 Comments

 

Since the football season is upon us here is the Eleventh installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Foot ball party

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Invited to a Football Party

  1. When invited to a football party, do not show up in your favorite team’s uniform if the game that is being watched does not include your team. You will immediately let your host know that you have no interest in the game and that you only came to drink up the beer and eat as much of the food as possible.
  2. When invited to a football party and asked to bring a dish, do not think you are fulfilling the host’s wish by hauling in a big bag of store-bought popcorn and liter of diet soda.  Actually, you won’t be fulfilling anyone’s wish with that contribution.
  3. When invited to a football party and you are welcome to bring a guest, do not think this includes a stranger you grabbed off the street or a distant member of your family. The host probably intended you to bring a date or spouse and won’t appreciate feeding extraneous random people.
  4. When invited to a football party and the host has no intention of starting a gambling pool, do not think it is your duty to correct what you think is an oversight. The host probably doesn’t want to put his guests on the spot to cough up a twenty which they will ultimately lose.
  5. When invited to a football party and none of the guests seem to understand fantasy football, allow them to remain blissfully unaware of the intricacies and complexity of the game that you and your office mates play every week.
  6. When invited to a football party and you see that the host does not have a fifty-inch HDTV, do not offer to buy everyone a drink at the local sports bar just because it has four such TVs. Your tab may wind up more than you can afford and your host may wind up wrapping one of the TVs around your head.
  7. When invited to a football party and the host does not have your brand of beer, do not turn up your nose and declare loudly: “well if you don’t have any I’ll just have water.” Go ahead and sacrifice your delicate taste buds on the beer that resembles carbonated defrost that your host is serving. After all, you don’t need to drink a barrel of it, although a barrel may be what you need to forget why you cared.
  8. When invited to a football party and you need to describe a great play, do not pick up a curio and ask that the crowd to imagine it as the football. It may be that the curio you just passed into the kitchen and that was dropped by your wide receiver was Faberge egg handed down by  your host’s great-great-great-grandmother.
  9. When invited to a football party and you realize the game is the most boring thing you have ever watched, do not pick up the remote and change the channel to a movie. You just may offend not only your host but the rest of the party as well. They may be reminded of the time the TV network cut off the last two minutes of the Super Bowl to air the move Heidi. You chance vigilante action.
  10. When invited to a football party and the game is over, it should be your signal to leave. Do not wait for your host to switch off the TV and start clearing the living room of empty beer cups, pizza boxes and paper plates of gnawed chicken wings. Your host is not making room for you and your guest to spend the night on the couch. They really want you to return to your own couch no matter what they say.