“Using this photo (below) as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put your offering (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before Sunday evening UK time. If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here.
Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries next time.”
This post was published on November 21, 2016. Still good advice if you are a writer.
* * *
The inspiration for this list is thinking back on all my mistakes while trying to become a writer. Not that I made all of them, but maybe some. I hope you enjoy it.
Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Are a Writer
10 If you are a writer, do not kill a child or a pet in your story. If you do, at best, the fallout will blow over in two years or so. At worst, you will be cavorting with some strange characters in your new witness protection plan. (Don’t get cute with a pen name, either. They will find you)
9 If you are a writer, do not show friends and family portions of your work in process. If you do, at best, you’ll pick up some unwanted advice on plot direction. At worst, your family will now wonder how in the world you ever got the experience to write that sex scene. (Just how do you explain that one, Buford?)
8 If you are a writer, do not think you can take a vacation. If you do, at best, your characters will haunt your every moment until you get back to the manuscript. At worst, you’ll suddenly let your insecure inner self convince you to quit and become a McDonald’s employee. (At least the money will be better, huh, Clyde?)
7 If you are a writer, do not tell people at a cocktail party what you do. If you do, at best, they’ll smile and walk away. At worst, you will have to listen to a potential best-selling synopsis that takes over an hour to relate by someone thinking of writing a book. (Like it is the easiest thing to do, Ferd)
6 If you are a writer, do not think your life will end when the manuscript is done. If you do, at best, your story will take on epic proportions. At worst, you may get the heaviest book award from the New Apple Book Awards group. (You didn’t know that was a category? It was established primarily for you. No, your manuscript cannot be returned since the flatbed truck is unavailable.)
5 If you are a writer, do not let your characters take control of the story. If you do, at best, you’ll have a pack of amateurs running the show. At worst, your story will take on the appearance of a three-ring circus (You hadn’t intended to write about entertainment, did you, Ernest?)
4 If you are a writer, do not be in a hurry to get published. If you are, at best, you may have a plot hole that no one will notice. At worst, the grammar, plot, character, and continuity issues might gain you all the one-star reviews you can handle. (Quite a shock, huh?)
3 If you are a writer, do not think you need to do little else. If you do, at best, those few books sold will be gravy. At worst, your status as the great undiscovered but brilliant novelist will remain undisturbed. (Best to write your own eulogy as well.)
2 If you are a writer, do not plan to have your retirement income be solely based on your royalties. If you do, at best, you can cut expenses enough to survive. At worst, you are allergic to the kind of soup at the Salvation Army kitchen. (All your pals are really impressed that you are an author. Right, Bunkie?)
1 If you are a writer, do not argue with your reviewers. If you do, at best, the reviews will not improve. At worst, you may pick on the single reviewer who is classically trained in the martial arts and knows where you live. (Is that Tiny, the WWF champ tearing your front door off the hinges?)
Here we are getting ready for the Shark Week Scavenger Hunt part II. First of all, I want to apologize for the quality of the photos. The Producer’s images are sharp and clear; mine look like I developed them in a milk bath. Not sure what happened, but hope you can enjoy them anyway.
We are being catered by Anything’s Baked Potato of Austin, and our entertainment is Coldplay.
Main
Cajun – Shrimp, fried chicken, andouille sausage, corn, and cajun cream sauce loaded onto a baked russet potato
Brisket – Smoked BBQ brisket, beans, cheese, onions, pickles, and sour cream, loaded onto a baked russet potato
Sunny Side – Bacon, andouille sausage, cheese, and sunny side up egg loaded onto a baked russet potato
Portobello Veggie – Mushrooms, onions, bell peppers, garlic, and cajun cream sauce loaded onto a baked russet potato
Salmon & Asparagus – Brown sugar sautéed salmon, asparagus, and Thai chili sauce loaded onto a baked sweet potato
Loaded Baked – Bacon, cheese, sour cream, chives
Chicken Fried Chicken – Buttermilk fried chicken, collard greens, corn, shredded cheese, and country gravy loaded onto a baked russet potato
Chicken & Steak – Buttermilk fried chicken, steak, collard greens, and white cream sauce loaded onto a baked sweet potato.
Dirty Side – Andouille sausage, bacon, scrambled eggs, cheese, and cajun cream sauce loaded onto a baked russet potato
Stir-Fri Veggie – Stir-fried cauliflower, broccoli, sweet peppers, and onions with teriyaki sauce loaded onto a baked russet potato
Velvet Belly Lantern shark. Wonder who pet the belly to determine it was velvet?
The Maco Shark loves swordfish and is found wherever swordfish are found. Unfortunately, they are endangered due to fishing.
Bull Shark. All you freshwater fans should know these guys travel the Mississippi River.
Great name Izu Catshark and, as can be guessed, live only around Japan.
A reader had hoped G would be a different name. But, nope, Great White it is. No known predators and found everywhere. Just when you thought it was safe to go in the water.
Whale Shark – Largest 41,000 pounds and 61 feet. Loves tropical waters and eats plankton and small fish.
Angel Shark – Endangered. It is now found in the shelf sediment habitats in the Mediterranean Sea and eastern Atlantic.
Hammerhead Shark – Hammerheads are found worldwide in warmer waters along coastlines and continental shelves. They range in size from 3 feet to 19 feet and can weigh up to 1300 pounds.
Oceanic Whitetip Shark – The oceanic whitetip is found globally in deep, open oceans, with temperatures greater than 18 °C (64 °F). This shark is aggressive and threatened due to its fins and meat demand.
Port Jackson Shark – Lays eggs and does not need to swim to breathe. Found in the warm waters off the coast of Southern Australia.
So here is where we are on our scorecard and message key. I think by now, you noticed there is no 22. As hard as The Producer and I searched, we could not find it. But, we did figure out its letter. It is T.
Reminded me of the secret decoder ring on Christmas Story. Well, it is time to relax and eat and enjoy Coldplay live from Wembley Stadium on August 13th, 2022
In Keith’s words. “Using this photo ( Below) as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put your offering (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before Sunday evening UK time. If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here.
Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries next time.”
This post was initially run on November 7th, 2016. However, life is still the same, and I hope you enjoy it again.
* * *
The inspiration for this list is, well, frankly, my latest labor over the editing process. I hope you enjoy the list, and I have done some of these things.
Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Editing Your Book.
10 If you are editing, do not think glasses of wine make the work go easier. If you do, at best, you’ll just have to do it over. At worst, you might inadvertently delete several chapters of your book under the belief that you have better ones in mind. (Aren’t you glad you had that backup file Goof-ball?)
9 If you are editing, do not think you can watch the football game while you work. If you do, at best, you will catch all your mistakes on the second go around. At worst, you think you found them all only to discover in reading a review the question, “What does a touchdown have to do with the relationship?” (Hmm, you can explain that, can’t you, Bunkie?)
8 If you are editing, do not decide to change a character’s name with “find and replace.” If you do, At best, you’ll catch the ones missed. At worst, you will have a new character named JerryTinyO.” (That extra space sure made a difference. Oh, and Tiny would like to see you. He’s over at the gym straightening out horseshoes.)
7 If you are editing, do not believe long breaks will enhance your work. If you do, at best, you will be editing this book forever. At worst, your continuity will go out the window, and your book will read like a short story collection. (You had not intended to publish short stories, did you, Ferd?”)
6 If you are editing, do not ask your friends to read the new edits. If you do, at best, the opinions will be so varied you’ll be confused. At worst, you will realize you need new friends and a new book. (You now wish you had just given it to an editor, right?)
5 If you are editing, do not try to do the whole thing in one sitting. If you do, at best, you will be exhausted. At worst, you may stop caring how the stupid book comes out and just want to get the damn thing done. (Your two-star reviews aren’t much of a reward, are they?)
4 If you are editing, do not snack to reduce stress. If you do, at best, you’ll need extra exercise hours. At worst, your snacking will resemble a runaway train from which there is no return. (Getting a grip is much more complicated when more of you, isn’t it?)
3 If you are editing, do not believe the rest of the family understands your pain. If you do, at best, you’ll feel misunderstood. At worst, you will constantly think of ways to take your angst out on your characters. (This book has taken on a sinister air, hasn’t it, Stephen?)
2 If you are editing, do not abandon personal hygiene. If you do, at best, you will be alone. At worst, your family could seek council with the local mental health provider, and you’ll get more help than you need. (You can still type with that white jacket on. Right, Buford?)
1 If you are editing, know when it is time to stop. If you don’t, at best, you will never finish the book. At worst, you will suffer PETS (Post Editing Traumatic Syndrome) and never sleep again. (You need to stop going over the text in your head. It has been published already.)
This week we are going on a scavenger hunt sponsored by the Lakeway Parks and Recreation. Here is some information about the hunt.
26 shark pages are hidden along the walking trail at Lakeway City Park. One for each letter of the alphabet! You will find them along the sidewalk from the upper level, through the butterfly garden, around the lower level, and across the lookout point. If you want to know more about each shark, just expand the photo.
Use the answer key to unlock a secret message! Simply write the GREEN letter next to the corresponding number on the answer key to begin.
We will be catered by Forthright Cafe, and our entertainment is The Kings of Leon.
The menu includes anything you want to drink.
Americana breakfast – two Vital Farms free-range eggs, sourdough toast with house-made seasonal jam, garlic butter herb roasted red bliss potatoes & your choice of bacon, pork sausage patty, chicken sausage patty, or avocado.
Chilaquiles Verde – fried corn tortillas tossed in roasted salsa Verde, cotija cheese, charred poblano peppers, hominy, black beans, pickled red onions & two Vital Farms free-range eggs made sunny-side up.
Hash al pastor – smashed & fried red bliss potatoes, chipotle salsa, al pastor pork, onions, corn, black beans, poblano, blistered tomatoes & two sunny eggs.
Oyster mushroom hash – (v) roasted blue oyster mushrooms, fried red bliss potatoes, onions, corn, avocado, black beans, cherry tomatoes, tossed with chipotle salsa, served with vegan eggs.
JNL benny – smoked pastrami made in collaboration with Ben Lambert of JNL barbecue, two poached free-range eggs,& hollandaise on a toasted English muffin
Chicken & waffles – two boneless fried chicken thighs, honey butter, pecans, maple syrup, powdered sugar
Brunch burger – smash burger on a brioche bun with bacon bourbon jam, American cheese, avocado mash, and fried egg served with french fries.
Breakfast melt – two scrambled eggs with cheddar cheese and chipotle mayo on a brioche texas toast served with red bliss potatoes and with your choice of protein; bacon, pork sausage, fried chicken, ham, or avocado.
So jump on the bus.
Here we are with our first. An Epaulette Shark
Unknown species (Now that was sneaky)
Small-Spotted catshark
From the teaser A Nurse Shark
Also from the teaser, a Dogfish Shark
Lemon Shark
Frilled Shark
Yellow-spotted Catshark
Ragged Tooth Shark
Kitefin Shark.
Xenacanthus
Japanese sawshark
Quagga Catshark
So now our Answer Key looks like this.
Come back next week to finish the hunt or you could take a crack at the secret message.
Sit back and enjoy the food and entertainment. You have worked hard. I hope you have a good week.
“Using this photo (below) as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put your offering (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before Sunday evening UK time. If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here.
Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries next time.”
“I’m not slow. I just don’t have long legs like you.”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“I need to take three or four steps just to match your one.”
“You sound like a cry baby.”
“I’m just stating facts, is all. You asked why I was so slow.”
“Yeah, and all I get is excuses. Come on, man up, and let’s get going. There is a whole meadow to explore.”
“Man up, you say? I wish I could do that, and then I would walk your socks off.”
“Well, that’s not going to happen, at least in this life.”
“I have to wonder why you keep me around when doing so is so annoying to you.”
“Oh, here we go with the psych 101.”
“I’m serious. You and I are so different.”
“Sounds like you want to break up.”
“No, not at all. But you always seem so grumpy. I’m just wondering if it is me.”
“No, my precious, it is not you. I have a lot on my mind, is all.”
“Like what?”
“Like the upright farmer wanting to spray for ants.”
“What? I never heard that.”
“I heard him talking to his mate, so it worries me.”
“You worried? How about me? If he sprays, I’m a goner.”
“Don’t say that. We can figure something out.”
“Why I let you talk me into a relationship, I’ll never know. If it weren’t for you, I would be out in that field on a hill of my own. ‘Come live with me,’ you said. ‘It will be fun, you said.'”
“Hasn’t it been fun?”
“You know it has.”
“We can go away. Start a new life.”
“An ant and a dog? How far do you think we would get until someone decides we don’t belong together?”
