Today I opened The Last Drive randomly to page 207. With eyes closed, I pointed to the page. The word “yelling” was closest to my finger. That is our prompt today.
This post was published on June 30, 2014, by Marie Ann Bailey and me. It was the last post we co-authored.
The Top Ten Things Not to Do on Your First Anniversary
10 If it is your first wedding anniversary, do not think your spouse will find it funny if you pretend to forget your wedding date. If you do pretend to forget, at best, your spouse will forgive you after you’ve recited a dozen mea culpas and treated your spouse to a romantic candlelit dinner at the most expensive restaurant in town. At worst, your spouse will demand, in addition to the mea culpas and romantic dinner, that you be solely responsible for cleaning out your cat’s litter box until your second wedding anniversary.
9 If it is your first wedding anniversary, do not assume your spouse will want to celebrate the anniversary with all your family, friends, and the same people at your wedding. If you do, at best, your spouse will grudgingly put up with a crush and the noise of partygoers. At worst, your spouse will commit a disappearing act (sneaking out of the house to have that nice, quiet dinner your spouse really wanted), leaving you to be solo host, as well as clean-up crew after the party.
8 If it is your first work anniversary, do not expect congratulations from your boss and coworkers. At best, you will get some recognition for having stayed in the job for a year since no one else (including your boss) has, an insight which might cause you to start looking for another job. At worst, you try to throw your own party during lunch time in the conference room, which coincides with your boss’s own planned luncheon with the CEO, CFO, CIO, and COO, and you wind up playing caterer to them since you are now too embarrassed to admit the food was for your own party.
7 If it is your first work anniversary, do not insist on going to the most expensive restaurant to celebrate with your boss and coworkers. If you do, at best, no one will complain that the only thing any of them (except your boss) can afford is the Caesar salad and a glass of ice water. At worst, in honor of your anniversary, your boss will publicly suggest you pay the bill for the entire table since your anniversary grants you a 1.0% raise, which, after taxes, translates to a 0.3% raise, which, after a year, will cover the cost of the meal.
6 If it is the first anniversary of your first date, do not think your significant other will be unaware of the fact. If you do, at best, your significant other will accept your apologies for forgetting, and you make a promise to yourself not to forget the second anniversary. At worst, your significant other will accept your apologies and then suggest it’s time to see other people, letting you know in no uncertain terms that there will not be a second anniversary.
5 If it is the first anniversary of your first date, do not think a simple greeting card will be enough to celebrate the event. If you do, at best, your significant other will simply sigh and make arrangements for a nice dinner at the restaurant where you had your first date. At worst, your significant other will make reservations at a very expensive restaurant you’ve always wanted to go to but never had the money. For the cherry on top, your significant other will abruptly leave, grabbing the foil-wrapped coq au vin, but leave the check, which, of course, you cannot pay except with long hours of dishwashing.
4 If it is your first blogging anniversary, do not think that no one will care if you ignore the event. If you do, at best, your readers will likely be confused when you start writing posts beginning “When I began blogging over a year ago ….” since it’s fairly common to celebrate such an event, and they won’t understand why you didn’t. At worst, you’ll be spotlighted into shame by your fellow bloggers who go ahead and post about their first anniversary while you sit and watch their readership grow as yours sinks.
3 If it is your first blogging anniversary, do not think you can crowdsource your way to a fancy restaurant to celebrate. If you do, at best you’ll gain enough for a tip, and your readers will just shake their heads over your impudence and continue reading your blog anyway. At worst, several fellow bloggers will show up at a fancy restaurant expecting you to share your crowdsourced meal for one with all of them, forcing you to pony up for the most expensive bill you’ve ever seen.
2 If it is the first anniversary of your book, do not think it would be gauche to promote the hell out of it on your important day. If you do, at best, an ardent fan will recognize the date and promote your book for you, giving you an uptick in sales you wouldn’t have otherwise. At worst, you miss your window of opportunity, and your first-anniversary sale post bombs because no one understands what a year-and-a-day anniversary is all about.
1 If it is the first anniversary of your book, do not hesitate to discount the price on that important day. If you do hesitate, at best, you’ll get lukewarm sales results from your lukewarm effort. At worst, your promotion will be so tepid that none of your readers will understand what you are promoting and miss the opportunity to purchase your book at less than the cost of a tall skinny Vanilla latte.
We can do this the easy way or the hard way, the message on my coffee machine’s touchscreen said. Using the keypad, an inquiry as to which was which was sent back to the machine brain. To my surprise, the machine fired back a message. It read: “We are out of milk, so if you want anything other than a straight coffee, you’ll have to go to the store.” Smiling while selecting the plain coffee, the decision was made to do it the easy way. One sip stopped the klaxon horn low caffeine warning in my head. The second sip, as you might have guessed, was the trigger for the Westminster chimes of the doorbell. Right in step was the crystal-cracking barking of Igor’s hounds.
Two bones tossed into the soundproof room, followed by a door slam, ensured that the window panes would remain intact and that the Waterford would be preserved. The security monitor carried an image of something that looked like the Tasmanian Devil cartoon character. No discussion was possible, so, with a sigh, the security shutdown process began.
The SWAT team needs to be put on standby. A quick text to the leader confirms that status. Also, the flight of A-10 Warthogs must be diverted. Another call to the commander puts that worry to rest. The SEAL team needs to be called off, and a call to the leader makes that possible. The MH-60 Jayhawk Helicopter hovering over the house is diverted. A call to the tow truck driver stops the deployment of an M1A1 Abrams Tank. The control panel simplifies the security system’s shutdown process. The boiling oil vats are put on standby, the turret mortars disengaged, the Trebuchet on safety, the concertina wire rolled, the Claymore mines reset, the tower Gatling guns on safety, the moat net dropped, the alligators fed, and the IEDs and shoulder-held rockets put away. The Proton torpedoes switched off. The gamma ray beams covered. The high-powered maser guns switched to standby, and the nanorobots were chained in the basement. The Klingons are called back, and the Targ is caged. Robbie’s Bot is sent to the basement. The Tasmanian Devil is directed to the food in his cage, and the door drops. The electronic jammer is kept active, given a situation with a robot not too long ago. The locks on the door are thrown. And the door opened.
The devil started whirling and was almost invisible in the tornado created. Out of the vortex flew an envelope and a clipboard. The place to sign was clearly marked. Once done, the clipboard was sucked back into the mailstorm along with several single-dollar bills that were sucked from my pocket. Slamming the front door to protect the rest of my money allowed me to read the message. It was from Linda Hill and read:
Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “easy/hard.” Use one, use both, use ’em any way you’d like. Bonus points if you get both words into your post. Enjoy!
Austin, TX — In a small studio at the Hill Country Galleria in Bee Cave, Kim Ortiz spends her days capturing beautiful wall portraits of families and their dogs. But in recent years, her camera has taken on an even deeper purpose.
Ortiz, owner of Kim Ortiz Portrait Art Studio, has launched a new initiative called Second Chances Dogs, a sponsorship program designed to help shelter and rescue dogs get adopted faster through professional photography.
Photo by Kim Ortiz
“I have five rescue dogs,” Ortiz said. “They have the best life. Every dog deserves a loving home, a bed to sleep on, a sofa to hang out on, not to live in a cage or a shelter.”
More Photos by Kim Ortiz
For more than 12 years, Ortiz has supported animal rescues through her studio. But as shelters in Austin and across the country became overcrowded after the pandemic, she knew she wanted to do more.
“A professional photo of a dog with good lighting highlights their personality,” she explained. “Especially black dogs. Without proper lighting, they just look like a blob in a cell phone photo. Studio lighting creates a glow on their fur. Every dog deserves a beautiful portrait.”
The program works by pairing local businesses and individuals with shelter dogs in need of updated adoption photos. Sponsors cover the cost of a professional photo session ($100 per dog) and, in return, receive a social media shoutout, recognition on program materials, and the knowledge that they helped a dog find a home.
Currently, 12 dogs have been photographed through the program thanks to the program’s founding sponsors, KOPA Real Estate Media and Amber Hart Homes. Those dogs include:
Ortiz says her focus is on long-stay dogs, those who have been in shelters for more than six months. At Austin Pets Alive alone, more than 50 long-stay dogs are waiting for homes.
“Shelter dogs can be more challenging to photograph,” Ortiz said. “They’re not used to lights or cameras. You have to be calm and patient. But it’s absolutely worth it.”
The professional portraits are shared on Ortiz’s social media pages, the Second Chances Dogs Instagram and Facebook pages, and are reshared by the shelters.
The program is now seeking 20 founding sponsors in total and hopes to partner with two additional rescue organizations.
“With the Second Chances Dogs program, we exist because businesses who truly love and support rescues sponsor the dog’s photo shoot,” Ortiz said.
For Ortiz, it’s simple: “Every dog deserves a second chance.”
The good news in this story is that Someone is helping dogs find a forever home. Today’s JohnKu talks about helping out. I hope you have a super weekend.
Today I randomly opened Eternal Road – The final stop to page 165. With eyes closed, I pointed to the page. The word closest to my finger is “passenger.” That is our prompt today.
“Here we are, YouTubers. This is the freight train switching yard in Peoria, Illinois, and boy, is it cold. Look, there’s someone who looks like they just got off one of the boxcars.”
“Sir, do you mind talking with me for a minute about your experience?”
“What are you recording?”
“I have a YouTube channel and am interviewing working folks around the country.”
“Okay, that sounds pretty harmless.”
“So where are you headed?”
“Trying to get to Florida.”
“You been hopping freights? Are you a hobo?”
“I prefer to call it a privileged passenger.”
“But you’ve been hopping freights.”
“Well, yes. I can’t afford the coach fare of a passenger train, and as you can see, the way I look would cause people concern.”
“Isn’t it dangerous hopping freight cars?”
“Not if you know what you are doing. For me, it’s pretty easy.”
“So why Florida?”
“Well, I have to eat, and opportunities up North get scarce when it gets cold.”
“So, you do outside work?”
“Yup. One hundred percent of the jobs I find are outdoors.”
“I can see why it would be better in Florida. You mentioned it was easy to hop freight trains. Mind sharing your secret?”
“I just hover over one of the cars and then slowly ease down for a perfect landing.”
“I’m surprised you can hang on.”
“See these talons. They grip anything. Plus, when I hunker down, I’m pretty much impervious to the wind.”
“It has been a pleasure talking to you. Mr. Ah.”
“My friends call me Victor.”
“It was great talking to you, Victor.”
“Likewise.”
“So there you have it. A discussion with Victor the Vulture. If you enjoyed the discussion, hit “like” below and we’ll see you next time.
This post was published on March 17th, 2014, by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day, hopefully it will be handy.
Top Ten Things Not to Do on Saint Patrick’s Day
10. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not dye any of your body hair green. If you do, at best, you will get strange looks and a possible reprimand from your boss. At worst, you will have to live with the color until the hair grows out or your divorce is final, whichever comes first.
9. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not try to wish everyone a happy day with a made-up Irish brogue. If you do, at best, you might offend a genuine Irish person. At worst, the genuine Irish person offended might just be the local police officer.
8. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not believe you need to bring your homemade corned beef and cabbage to the office to share. If you do, at best, you might have coworkers avoiding your cube since the smell of cabbage might lead them to believe it is something else. At worst, the hazmat team from office services will have foamed down your work area before you have a chance to explain.
7. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not think of Guinness stout as just like any other beer when you go out to celebrate with your coworkers. If you do, at best, you might have to find a ride home. At worst, you might have to rehearse your apology for your coworkers and your boss in an effort to salvage your job.
6. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not sing your favorite limericks, no matter how innocent you believe them to be. If you do, at best, you will start a round of Limericks that aren’t so innocent. At worst, the local authorities will be called in to calm the disturbance reported by those within earshot of what can best be described as X-rated songs.
5. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not follow the suggestion of a coworker to play a Leprechaun at the cake and coffee gathering. If you do, at best, you will be the laughing stock till next year. At worst, you will be asked by your boss to play the leprechaun at the family St. Patrick’s Day picnic, and there is still snow on the ground.
4. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not wish everyone Erin Go Bragh unless you know what it means. If you don’t know what it means and say it to the wrong person, at best, you may get some weird looks. At worst, you may find yourself embroiled in a political battle with someone with a different view.
3. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not think Bushnell’s whisky in coffee is no more harmful than sugar. If you do, at best, you may find yourself slurring your words when you say Erin Go Bragh. At worst, you may find yourself totally wide awake and unable to find your way home.
2. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not put any kind of green-colored hat on your head. If you do, at best, you will look ridiculous. At worst, several photos will be snapped that will live on the internet forever.
1. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not drink anything green. If you do, at best, you will have the lips of a lizard. At worst, you will need to schedule a dentist appointment to have your teeth restored to their original color unless you plan to attend a vampire convention.
The Lakeway Police Department hosted an event called Coffee with a Cop. It was an opportunity for the community to meet police officers and leadership informally. The event was on Friday, but through the miracle of time travel, we can go back. We are catered by Maie Day of Austin, and our entertainment is The Police
