Top Ten No Nos is as Top Ten No Nos Does

February 10, 2014February 7, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 22 Comments

Here is the 32nd installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Top Ten Things Not To Do for Valentine’s Day

10. For Valentine’s Day, do not get your sweetheart a 10-pound box of chocolates or a case of craft brew when you know your sweetheart made a New Year’s resolution to lose weight. At best, your sweetheart will accept the gift in the spirit in which it was given and just be grateful you even remembered Valentine’s Day. At worst, your sweetheart will eat or drink the whole thing and then make you pay for a new wardrobe when your sweetheart’s pants no longer fit due to the chocolate or beer-fed waistline.

9. For Valentine’s Day, do not send your sweetheart a Charlie Brown kind of rose bouquet or a pound of grass seed as a joke because you think of Valentine’s Day as just another “Hallmark holiday.” At best, your sweetheart has a private office where the offending gift can be hidden until it’s safe to throw it out and you will only be out the price and perhaps one chilly night in the bedroom. At worst, your sweetheart works in a “bullpen” where all coworkers and even middle management can see the pathetic offering and tease about it, resulting in your sweetheart coming home that evening and using the grass seed as porridge or bouquet, thorns and all, to teach you some lessons in respect.

8. For Valentine’s Day, do not take your sweetheart to a restaurant that claims to model itself on Chez Panisse unless you have plenty of cash on hand. At best, the restaurant will have an ATM in its lobby so when you get the bill and realize you had underestimated it by $300, you can quickly and discretely obtain more money. At worst, the nearest ATM is on the other side of town and, to “pay” the bill, you and your sweetheart wind up washing dishes at the restaurant for the rest of your “romantic” evening out.

7. For Valentine’s Day, do not think that Valentine’s Day is the perfect day to attract a certain member of the opposite sex by leaving Valentine’s Day cards and Valentine’s Day candy hearts that say “BE MINE” in every possible place that your adored one chances to be. At best, your adored one will simply think you are nuts, but maybe a little cute. At worst, an officer with an order to cease and desist will show up at your place of business, embarrassing you in front of your coworkers and your
boss and getting you typed as a stalker.

6. For Valentine’s Day, do not get your sweetheart sexy underwear or silk boxers with hearts unless you are certain of the size that your sweetheart wears. If you’re lucky, the sexy underwear or boxers are too small and that will be fine since neither of you expect the underwear to stay on for very long anyway. If you’re unlucky, the sexy underwear or boxers will be too large, and you might be forced to wear it yourself while standing outside on your front lawn in the bright light of day.

5. For Valentine’s Day, do not think that a romantic stay-at-home dinner will be that romantic if you expect your sweetheart to do the cooking and/or cleaning up alone. If you’re lucky, your sweetheart will gently suggest you cook and clean together and extend the romance to nightcaps in the bedroom. If you’re unlucky, your sweetheart will make a reservation for one at a fancy restaurant and leave you home to enjoy your “romantic” dinner by yourself.

4. For Valentine’s Day, do not allow your sweetheart to see or hear advertisements for expensive jewelry and watches for at least one month before Valentine’s Day. At best, your sweetheart will at first resent being kept from the TV and radio, but eventually come to appreciate the extra time for reading. At worst, if you are unsuccessful, your sweetheart might be tempted to go to the local mall on Valentine’s Day, with your credit card, and buy the most expensive Valentine’s Day gift available.

3. For Valentine’s Day, do not wait until the last-minute to buy roses or a tie if you know that’s what your sweetheart likes (and expects). If you’re lucky, you’ll only need to pay twice the cost to get a lovely bunch of roses or tie to your sweetheart before you meet for a romantic dinner. If you’re unlucky with the roses, they will be so far past their bloom that by the time you meet your sweetheart for dinner, most of the petals will have fallen off and you’ll only have some green stems to offer, which your sweetheart will likely plant in your water-glass before storming out of the restaurant. If you’re unlucky with the tie, it will not go with the suit your sweetheart planned to wear and you’ll never see it again.

2. For Valentine’s Day, do not think that an otherwise practical gift with hearts attached or in the color red will suffice for your lack of romantic feeling. At best, your sweetheart will have always wanted a heart-shaped waffle iron or hip flask and will just drop heavy hints for you to do better next year. At worst, your sweetheart will take the heart-shaped waffle iron or flask back to the store and use the refund as well as your credit card to go on a shopping spree, which you will be paying off for many Valentine’s Days to come.

1. For Valentine’s Day, even if you and your sweetheart mutually agree to not participate in the whole gift-giving extravaganza that is also known as VD Day, do not think that making a point to say “I love you” or leave notes to that effect around the house or in your sweetheart’s car will go unappreciated. At worst, your sweetheart will respond in kind. At best, your sweetheart will show appreciation in such ways to make Valentine’s Day your favorite holiday.

Top Ten No Nos is as Top Ten No No’s Does

January 27, 2014January 25, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 19 Comments

Here is the 30th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy

Top Ten things Not to do While Grocery Shopping

10. When grocery shopping, do not go to the store on an empty stomach. At best, you will quiet your grumbling stomach with a candy bar or two while waiting in the check-out line. At worst, you will wind up devouring the entire rotisserie chicken that was to be your family’s dinner, guzzling a 64-oz bottle of Coke, and tearing into your kid’s favorite cereal, all before you reach the checkout.

9. When grocery shopping, do not assume that the shortest check-out line is indeed the quickest check-out line. At best, the person ahead of you with five items will want to use a personal check to pay and you’ll only have to wait an additional ten minutes while the cashier and store manager figure out a way to finally approve the check. At worst, the person ahead of you with only nine items will question the cashier on each and every item (naturally, all the items were supposed to be on sale including the ten gallon water jug which looks like it came from the employee break area), then proceed to call the store manager to further argue an unwinnable position, and now that you are stuck every line around you is so long the few minutes you thought you saved have turned into thirty minutes wasted.

8. When grocery shopping, do not assume that all the sale items, especially the 2-for-1 deals, have been entered into the registers. At best, the cashier will take a few minutes to correct the error if you see you were charged for each item instead of 2-for-1. At worst, you’ll be like the guy in #9, having to argue each item on sale and drawing the ire and ill-will of every other shopper behind you.

7. When grocery shopping, do not assume that your regular grocery store will always and forever maintain the floor layout to which you’ve grown accustomed. At best, your store might make only subtle changes like moving the eggs from beside the butter to beside the yogurt, but on the same aisle. At worst, one day you will walk in and become quickly convinced that you’re in the wrong store. You will spend hours trying to find the raisins which used to be on Aisle 3 among other dried fruits but are now on Aisle 36 next to the juice with the logic that fruit is fruit.

6. When grocery shopping, do not forget to wear ear plugs. If you do forget your ear plugs, at best, you will simply slow your pace and linger longer than planned due to the hypnotic effect of the “music.” At worst, the subliminal messages of “buy more, buy more, buy more” will enter your brain and you will wind up buying twice as much food as you originally intended, leaving your wallet half as full.

5. When grocery shopping, do not think that by leaving your credit cards and checkbook at home, you can avoid spending over your budget at the store. At best, the subliminal messages from #6 will cause you some mild embarrassment as you decide to forfeit the bottle of Merlot, Death-by-Chocolate cake, and fancy new plastic wine glasses (all items NOT on your shopping list) because you don’t have enough cash. At worst, either to avoid embarrassment or because you are still prey to the messages of “buy more,” you will leave your items at the register, dash to the ATM, withdraw as much as you can, and then promptly ask for a case of the Merlot (which you may need later when you realize how much you have spent).

4. When grocery shopping, do not think that the fresh fruit being offered as 2-for-1 is necessarily a great deal. At best, the fruit will be fine and edible until the next morning when you realize you will have to eat all of it since it is quickly going bad. At worst, after you come home and put all the food away, you decide to have some strawberries and cream. Then you discover that the 2-for-1 fresh fruit has one layer of fresh fruit atop moldy, squishy fruit which moves on its own, and causes you to lose your appetite and throw it all out.

3. When grocery shopping, do not think that the baggers are always well-trained. At best, you will have a bagger who knows enough to put the eggs on the top of other items in a bag. At worst, you will get a bagger who either wasn’t trained or doesn’t care, but you won’t know until you get home and find that a large bottle of laundry detergent was packed on top of your package of sushi rolls, which now resemble sushi pancakes.

2. When grocery shopping, do not think that slowly walking down the middle of an aisle with your head down while talking on your cell phone will not annoy anyone. At best, shoppers trying to get around you may just gently prod your shopping cart and alert you to the need to get out-of-the-way. At worst, you may find yourself pinned between your shopping cart and the cart of the person or persons who finally lost their temper with you and are now sending you, shopping carts and all, into the egg section.

1. When grocery shopping, do not think that being polite to shoppers on cell phones and oblivious to their surroundings will help you keep your temper. At best, you will quickly realize that navigating around these people is futile and that you should just park your shopping cart and step around the offending shopper to get the items you need. At worst, you will lose your temper, causing you to literally crash into the offending shopper with your cart, and the momentum will be enough to send you both into the egg section. As with automobile rear-end accidents, you will be the assumed guilty party and the store will likely make you pay for the broken eggs as well as clean them up.

My GRL BLOG Tour Recognition – Marie Ann Bailey

January 23, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 11 Comments

Marie Ann Bailey is a My GRL blog tour volunteer today. She is a wonderful person who dedicates herself to her job, her husband, her cats, her knitting and most certainly to her writing. Marie is the author of 1WriteWay a delicious combination of original work, collaboration, interesting reblogs and other supporting posts in favor of supporting other authors. Marie was also an editor for the Community Story Board in 2013 and was responsible for creating the post that was honored with the Freshly Pressed designation by WordPress.

I have also had the pleasure to work with Marie on the collaborative posts that are simu-published on each of our blogs on Monday. The idea came out of the fact there were numerous blogs on the subject of top ten. There were top ten cute animal photos and top ten ways to ask for a raise among a few. We could not find a top ten things not to do. Long story short we decided to create a feature of the Top Ten Things Not to Do. Next week we will be posting our 30^th.

Marie’s motto is,” I am therefore I write.” She is hoping to get a novel going and has posted the Writer’s Creed for all to see to give her inspiration. Perhaps it will inspire you as well. Thank you so much for the help Marie.

Top Ten No Nos is as Top Ten No Nos Does

January 20, 2014August 8, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 2 Comments

Here is the 29th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do If You Go Into a Car Dealer

10. If you go into a car dealer, make sure you really want to buy a car. If you don’t, at best you may walk away from a car that you fell in love with but can’t afford. At worst you might end up paying for that car the rest of your life.

9. If you go into a car dealer, do not say anything regarding your like or dislike of a car. If you do, at best you will tip your hand. At worst, you may end up with the one you dislike since it is priced so well.

8. If you go into a car dealer, do not drink a big gulp prior to arriving. If you do, at best you may need to interrupt your negotiations at a bad time. At worst, the sales rep may detect your uneasiness, interpret it as a sign of weakness, and hammer the negotiations until you agree to everything just so you can make a break for the bathroom.

7. If you go into a car dealer, do not wear any clothing with designer labels. If you do, at best you will impress all the people in the show room. At worst, you may pay thousands more for a car than the people at JCP.

6. If you go into a car dealer, do not bring the children. If you do, at best they will get hyped up on the sugary donuts the salespeople will feed them. At worst, the kids will want to sit in your lap just as you try to negotiate a good deal and tell the salesperson that you are just kidding.

5. If you go into a car dealer, do not park your car where it can be seen. If you do, at best the condition will tip-off the salesperson as to your trade-in before the deal. At worst, the sales person will get a heads-up as to how badly you need transportation.

4. If you go into a car dealer, do not accept anything to eat or drink if offered. If you do, at best you’ll take on extra calories you don’t need. At worst, you may feel you owe the dealership something and you don’t want to get talked into a thousand-dollar cup of coffee.

3. If you go into a car dealer, do not sign anything before you read it. If you do, at best you may have some expensive surprises when the car is delivered. At worst you may have sold your home for a dollar.

2. If you go into a car dealer, do not demand to see the manager if you’re unhappy with the deal the sales person is offering. If you do, at best you may be embarrassed to learn that the sales person is the manager. At worst, the employees will use the video tape of you ranting at the company party as the main entertainment.

1. If you go into a car dealer, do not even think of special ordering a car. If you do, at best you may pay too much. At worst, you may be riding around in something that lost fifty percent of its value the minute you drove it off the lot since Habanero Orange is not everyone’s favorite color.

Ten No Nos is as Ten No Nos Does

January 13, 2014January 10, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 25 Comments

Here is the 28th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do as You Return to Work after a Long Holiday Hiatus

10. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not expect your coworkers who did not take any time off to appreciate hearing how wonderful your vacation was. At best they will smile absently as you regale them with stories of all the reading you got done. At worst, they will regale you with stories of all the work that’s piled up on your desk, waiting for you and the fact you would be fired if it were not for them.

9. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not try to incur sympathy by complaining that you had to spend most of it with your in-laws. At best your coworkers will simply try to one-up your story of how your mother-in-law found fault with how you decorated your Christmas tree as usual. At worst, your complaints will be passed to your spouse at the next opportunity.

8. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not pretend to have been gone so long that you forgot your boss’s name. At best, your boss will play along and pretend to forget your name and your salary grade. At worst, your boss, who got called into work on Christmas Eve for an emergency that came up in your area, will purposely forget who you are and have security escort you from the building.

7. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not expect to find your office or cubicle in the same condition as you last saw it. At best, it might be cleaner since the cleaning crew actually had a chance to clean it while you were gone since most surfaces were uncovered. At worst, you will find things missing (like your favorite Lord of the Rings post-up notes) because your coworkers took advantage of your absence and treated your office like a come-help-yourself supply depot.

6. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, don’t expect you can spend most of your first day back getting “reacquainted” with your job. At best, your boss will grudgingly give you permission to spend the day reviewing stuff rather than doing stuff, but in the end it will cost you. At worst, your boss will offer you the opportunity to get “acquainted” with the new unemployment policies if you don’t step up.

5. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not try to make it sound like your break was more fun than it was. At best, you’ll only be competing with your cubicle-mate who, like you, basically stayed home and read all day. At worst, you’ll find yourself making up stories about scuba diving off the Florida Keys just because your supervisor hung out at a nude beach in Pensacola.

4. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, be sure to leave your house at least a half-hour earlier than usual. At best, you’ll get to work earlier and have some “quiet time” before the reality of being back hits you. At worst, you’ll need that extra half-hour because you’ve forgotten where you work and you get lost along the way. (You did drop crumbs didn’t you?)

3. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not bring with you all the cookies and cakes left over from your holiday parties. At best, your coworkers will just give you the evil eye since they had resolved to stop eating sweets after the holidays. At worst, the three-week old sweets that you left out for everyone else will mysteriously wind up on your office chair, in the shape of a horse’s head.

2. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not be surprised if the work you thought your coworker would do on your behalf didn’t get done. At best, you’ll find a neat stack of reports that need to be reviewed by close of business the day you return and the coworker who had offered to review the reports out on sick leave. At worst, you’ll find piles of documents strewn across your desk with no clue when they are due or who left them for you, and your boss standing outside impatiently tapping a foot waiting for your report.

1. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not expect everyone, including you, to be in a cheery, ready-to-get-to-work mood. At best, you all will just be experiencing temporary post-holiday depression that will lift after a few days. At worst, the reality that there are no more holidays until May will hit you like a sledgehammer and you’ll have a four-month long headache to show for it.

Paperbook Collective is as the Paperbook Collective Does

January 7, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 6 Comments

The Paperbook collective Issue number six is hot off the press.

The nice part about issue six is a couple of my cohorts have some interesting pieces in it. Marie Ann Bailey and Pam Beckford have each contributed to this issue. Their work can be found inside:

Marie Ann Bailey’s story What Lies Underneath begins on Page 17

Pam Beckford’s poem I Saw You yesterday begins on Page 32

Jayde-Ashe has done her usual fine job of editing and we all appreciate her dedication to the Paperback Collective.

Oh yes, I have a story in here as well, of The Day After New Year’ Day starting on Page 5.

Here are the links should you want to visit. I’m sure you will enjoy Pam, Marie and all the other fine artists.

PDF ~

The Paperbook Collective Issue Six 2014

ISSUU ~

The Paperbook Collective Issue Six 2014

Jayde-Ashe has a message for all artists:

I hope you enjoy Issue Six of The Paperbook Collective, and that it helps to start your year off with a bang.

Submissions for Issue Seven close on the 20th of January, so get writing, get snapping, get creating.

Big things are happening this year in Paperbook Land, so make sure that you are a part of it!

Cheers,

Top Ten No Nos is as Top Ten No No’s Does

January 6, 2014January 4, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 15 Comments

Here is the 27th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do as New Year’s Resolutions

10. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not put “Exercise Daily” or the word “exercise” anywhere on your list. At best, you will wind up paying for a gym membership you will never use because you always have an excuse not to go. At worst, while trying to cover up your lack of participation to your personal trainer, you will drop a 25-pound weight on your foot, resulting in an injury that uses up most of your sick leave and the remaining days of your gym membership.

9. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not include on your list: “Start the [fill in the blank] diet to lose the ten pounds I gained over the holidays.” At best, you’ll only lose a lot of water which, for a few days, may make you look and feel like you lost ten pounds. At worst, the minute you go off the diet, the weight will all come back, two-fold. What was with all that flushing anyway?

8. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not include in your list: “Quit smoking cold turkey.” At best, this item doesn’t apply to you because you don’t smoke. At worst, you do smoke and going cold turkey might get you through five minutes without a puff. Then you will tear through your house, upending the trash as you try to salvage at least one smokeable filter. Of course, even five minutes you don’t smoke is another five minutes your body gets a break.

7. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not put “Get organized” anywhere on your list. At best, it’s too vague (it could be mean get organized at work, get your kitchen organized, organize your bookshelf) and you’ll forget it anyway. At worst, you’ll think that you have committed yourself to organizing everything in your life, including your friends’ and families’ schedules, and they will commit you for a having a near-lethal case of OCD.

6. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not put “Read all the books on my To Be Read list.” In the best case, you only have two books on your TBR list and so you now have the whole year to read them. In the worst case, you (like so many of us) have a Leaning Tower of TBR in every room in your house. The only way you’ll get through them all is if you quit your job, quit sleeping and quit taking bathroom breaks (unless your bathroom also serves as a reading room).

5. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not commit yourself to reading every blog you follow every day. Much like item #5, that will only work if, at best, you only follow a couple of blogs. At worst, if you follow more blogs than there are seconds in a day, you may have a worse dilemma than that in #5. Unless you don’t mind taking your iPad or laptop to the toilets with you, bathroom breaks will cost you precious reading time.

4. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not put “Get last year’s NaNoWriMo novel (still in first draft) published in six months” anywhere on your list. At best (and least likely), you’ve already read through your first draft and am pleasantly surprised that it actually makes sense and will need little editing. At worst (and most likely), you’ll find your first draft is just a hodgepodge of random stories and blog posts and any attempt to put it in readable form by the end of the year (much less published) will likely drive you insane.

3. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not add “Save money by not buying books” to your list. Who are you kidding? At best, that resolution will last only until you receive your next Barnes & Noble 20% coupon. At worst, you’ll fill up your e-readers with free e-books until you realize that reading those books in print is much more fun. Before you know it, you will have spent your imagined savings and it’s only week 2 of the New Year.

2. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not add “Learn to do at least one risky activity a month, like sky-diving or bungee-jumping.” At best, you’ll learn about the activity but never get around to doing any of them once you understand the risks and decide life is too short to risk shortening it more. At worst (and if you don’t think life is already too short), you’ll try to make like Nik Wallenda over the Grand Canyon, but without the success.

1. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not set your resolutions so high that they remain forever out of reach, nor so low that it’s not even worth stooping to find them. Instead, for your New Year’s Resolutions, start each one with “Be grateful for …” Be grateful for your health, for all the great books and bloggers you have to read, for knowing when to live dangerously and when to live vicariously. Be grateful you are here for a New Year.

Top Ten No No’s is as Top Ten No No’s Does

December 30, 2013December 28, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 19 Comments

Here is the 26th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on New Year’s Eve

10. On New Year’s Eve, do not think you need to consume everything in the city. If you do, at best you may gain a few pounds. At worst, you will never ever feel better again.

9. On New Year’s Eve, do not think everyone is in love with you. If you do, at best you may get a new roommate. At worst, you may wake up next to a stranger who is now your spouse.

8. On New Year’s Eve, do not think you have to scream “Happy New Year” more than once. If you do, at best you will lose your voice. At worst, someone may in fact put a sock in it.

7. On New Year’s Eve, do not think you need to invent and issue resolutions for everyone else. If you do, at best you will lose some friends. At worst, your host may resolve to ban you to the patio.

6. On New Year’s Eve, do not think you have to help others drink more. If you do, at best you may be the last person standing. At worst, you may be named as a co-defendant on a DUI.

5. On New Year’s Eve, do not think you need to give everyone a kiss. If you do, at best they will all think you are a nerd. At worst, you may pick up a nice case of bubonic plague.

4. On New Year’s Eve, you do not have to sing “Auld Lang Syne.” If you do, at best, your off-key rendition will be recorded for playback when you are sober. At worst, you’ll not know the words and remove all doubt as to your IQ.

3. On New Year’s Eve, you do not have to tell everyone exactly what you think of them. If you do, at best, a few will want to take you outside. At worst, several will.

2. On New Year’s Eve, there is no reason to remove some of your clothes to be more comfortable. If you do, at best, you may not know when to stop. At worst, there could be additional records of your lack of discretion that you will need to pay handsomely to squelch.

1. On New Year’s Eve, there is no reason to get behind the wheel of a car after you have won the shots per hour contest. If you do you, at best you will end up in jail. At worst, you might just hurt someone.

Top Ten No Nos is as Top Ten No Nos Does

December 16, 2013December 12, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 23 Comments

Here is the 24th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Traveling With a Cat

10. When traveling with a cat by car, do not assume that your cat will not get car sick. Take it for a short spin first. Usually five minutes is long enough to determine if you will need to pull over to the side of the road and empty the pet carrier of the results of a double end evacuation response while keeping kitty contained in the car.

9. When traveling with a cat by car, do not assume that because your cat sleeps all day, it will also sleep through a two-day trip up the coast. At best, your cat will keep a running commentary in cat-speak attempting to convince you to provide a release from the confining pet carrier. At worst, your cat will scream like a banshee and you’ll end up with hearing loss as a lasting souvenir of the trip.

8. When traveling with a cat by car, and your cat is behaving in the worst-case scenario of #9, do not let your cat out of the pet carrier thinking it just needs a little room to stretch out. At best, your cat will simply continue to howl, but now with the added advantage of being to do so directly into your ear. At worst, your cat will nose-dive to the floor on the driver’s side, and you will narrowly miss a few or more accidents as you keep stepping on your cat while feeling for the brake.

7. When traveling with a cat by train, do not try to sneak your cat on board what you know is a non-pet-friendly train. Just because you’ve trained your cat to lay across your shoulders like an overfed mink stole, doesn’t mean that the conductor will be fooled. One growl from Fluffy might be enough to find yourself and your cat dropped off at the next station, if you’re lucky. If you’re not lucky, you’ll be charged with animal abuse and Fluffy will have the satisfaction of seeing you take the perp walk off the train.

6. When traveling with a cat by train, do not think that your fellow travelers will find your cat’s antics as amusing as you do. Hiding under your seat and swiping at every foot that passes by within an inch of Smoky’s nose is at best annoying to passengers trying to walk the aisle unmolested. At worst, you will have forgotten to clip Smoky’s claws and so those needle-sharp claws will snag on every sock or exposed skin that passes by.

5. When traveling with a cat by train, do not think it is okay to allow your cat to use the seat upholstery as a scratching post. At best, you’ll simply be admonished by the conductor to put Tigger back in his pet carrier (providing that you are not guilty of #7). At worst, you will be made to take a pair of scissors and needle and thread and attempt to repair the damage done by Tigger (and he will watch you the whole time with great satisfaction).

4. When traveling with a cat by plane, do not think that once the seatbelt sign has been turned off that you can let Kitty out of the pet carrier stowed under the seat in front of you. While you may think Kitty won’t bolt the second she senses freedom, in fact, she will. In the best case, she’ll get no farther than the passenger next to you who just happened to bring a chicken sandwich on board. In the worst case, she will go careening down the aisle and into First Class, lost to you forever.

3. When traveling with a cat by plane, do not assume that Felix, who had never worn a leash and harness before, will remain calm while going through the security checkpoint. At best, Felix will simply attach himself to your leg like Velcro and the TSA will defer giving you a full body scan. At worst, Felix will make the Tasmanian devil seem meek by comparison and you will be held financially responsible for the “pain and suffering” of the TSA agents if not tasered first.

2. When traveling with a cat on a cruise ship, well, first ask yourself why you would do that. Then, if Merlin manages to escape from your cabin, the best you can hope for is someone finding Merlin huddled in the kitchen, sampling the chicken being prepared for that evening’s meal. In the worst-case scenario, the ship’s crew will have found a new mascot.

1. When traveling with a cat on a cruise ship, don’t let the staff talk you into working Snowy as a mouser in return for a discount on your ticket. For one thing, there probably aren’t any little mice on the ship and what she comes across may just catch her instead. For another, Snowy prefers Fancy Feast’s Beef and Cheddar Cheese Feast and will undoubtedly go on a hunger strike if she is served anything different.

Top Ten No Nos Is as Top Ten No Nos Does

December 9, 2013December 6, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 45 Comments

Here is the 23rd installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Buying Gifts for Others

10. If you are buying a gift for a girlfriend, do not plan to give clothes unless you are double dog sure of the sizes. If you’re lucky, you buy something too small and she feels bad (yet happy) because you think she’s smaller than she really is. If you’re unlucky, you buy something too big and she makes you feel bad for thinking that she’s bigger than she really is.

9. If you are buying a gift for a boyfriend, do not plan to give him one of those latest mechanical gifts from an on-line gadget store. Best case: he won’t be able to figure out what it is for and will feel stupid. Worst case: he will know what it is for since he already has one.

8. If you are getting a gift for a mother-in-law, do not plan to re-gift something you received from a family member or even a complete stranger. In the best case, you’ll have left the gift receipt in the box with last year’s date. In the worst case, it will be the very gift your mother-in-law gave you two years ago. To make it even more embarrassing, you raved about how perfect the gift was when you got it.

7. If you are buying a gift for a father-in-law, do not plan to give any kind of hat. The best case is your mother-in-law will tell him he looks ridiculous in it. The worst case is he will actually like it and wear it just to spite the mother-in-law, and then you will be on the hook for the resulting friction.

6. If you are buying a gift for a spouse, do not plan to give them anything they asked for when you asked what they wanted for Christmas. At best, your spouse will consider the gift as a no brainer on your part and wonder why you didn’t get something else. At worst, your spouse will have changed their mind and you now have a new door stop.

5. If you want to give a gift to a teen-ager, do not buy anything. Simply give them the money you would have spent. If you do buy an unwanted gift, the best you can hope for will be an eye-roll followed by the teen-ager getting a cash refund for the gift. At the worst, you’ll soon find the gift, with the gift sticker still affixed, at your local thrift store.

4. If you are buying a gift for a co-worker, do not buy any intimate apparel or anything that could be considered personal. In the best case, you will be thought of as “kind of creepy.” In the worst case, you will be explaining to Human Resources what you had intended by the gift.

3. If you are buying a gift for the postal person do not give anything you have baked. The postal employee is fully capable of putting their own cookie together. At best, you will see your baked goods handed off to the next mailbox on your street. At worst, you will wonder why your mail stopped after the holidays.

2. If you are buying a gift for a white elephant gift exchange, do not buy anything you might not want to take home. The best case is you manage to avoid being stuck with what you brought. The worst case is you will be the proud owner of the gift you brought which then you will have to store away until next year or gift to your mother-in-law.

1. If you are buying a gift for your boss, do not try to keep up with his tastes. Simply get a gift card from Amazon and let him pick up a book. The best case is whatever you give other than the gift card will never cost enough. The worst case is you might actually spend enough to find out your boss has one of what you bought. Unless it is a new Ferrari, you will never recover.