“Using this photo (below) as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put it (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before 6pm on Sunday (if you aren’t sure what the time is where I live, this link will tell you). If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here.
Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries next time.”
Since it is Tax season, I thought you would enjoy a post from March 2, 2015, giving hints on what not to do while preparing your taxes. I hope you enjoy it.
Top Ten Things Not to Do When Doing Your Taxes
10 When doing your taxes, do not rely on the brother-in-law’s advice on what is deductible. If you do, at best, you may miss the audit lotto this year and be safe. At worst, you could be fielding several questions from several agents of the IRS. (Your brother-in-law has already received his whistleblower fee.)
9 When doing your taxes, do not ask your partner to find the receipts that you carefully put somewhere but can’t remember where. If you do, at best, you will have to endure a lecture about organization. At worst, the ensuing argument will consume the next three days until discovering the receipts in the back seat of your car. (See, a trip to the Mother-in-law has its benefits.)
8 When doing your taxes, do not think of waiting until the last minute, thinking there will be some miracle where the government will postpone the filing date. If you do, at best, you will overstress your already limited schedule. At worst, you will be so rushed that you will leave off-key required elements of the filing. The forms need to be signed, for example. (Forgetting essential elements will place you in the IRS slush pile of “those we want to talk to.”)
7 When doing your taxes, do not have large cups of coffee or a Big Gulp near your worksheets. If you do, at best, you may only have rings from the containers on your return. At worst, the biggest cup will be knocked over and inundate the work. (Your tsunami of soda forces a redo, and like that Ikea chest, there is stuff left out.)
6 When doing your taxes, do not think all your expenses are deductible. If you do, at best, you will not be audited and have missed a chance to lose twenty pounds in sweat. At worst, your case will be turned over to an agent nicknamed “Big House Harry.” (So named for the number of convictions sustained with his investigative prowess.)
5 When doing your taxes, do not think the extra cash you earned mowing lawns is not reportable income. If you do, at best, if caught, you can always cite your failing memory as the excuse and beg forgiveness. At worst, you and the head of a drug cartel nicknamed “shive” will be prosecuted under the same money laundering statute. (Better make nice on the short bus transport while handcuffed together.)
4 When doing your taxes, do not find the cheapest tax preparer who claims the largest refund. If you do, at best, you may be disappointed when your refund turns into an amount you owe. At worst, you are watching the evening news to see your preparer being hauled out of his office in handcuffs. (It seems he leads a tax fraud scheme where refunds are redirected to his offshore account.)
3. When doing your taxes, do not fill in the boxes if you do not understand what is asked. If you do, at best, you may cause your return to do just that return. At worst, you may unknowingly set up a farm or other type of account that during the audit, you will be asked to produce evidence of the cattle and chickens for which you inadvertently deducted the feed and vet care. (Testing the sense of humor of the agent with a picture of your dog is a bad idea.)
2 When doing your taxes, do not write off clothing donated to a charity when you are still wearing the items deducted. If you do, at best, the agent will not notice during the audit that the fuchsia sweater listed on the return is the same sweater under your raincoat. At worst, the agent doing the examination of your return used to work at Ralph Lauren as an accountant and has noticed the descriptions of a few of your donations are still on your back. (That RL polo shirt is hard to miss.)
1 When doing your taxes, do not spend your refund before you get it. If you do, at best, it will be a little late, and you’ll be on the hook for interest charges on your card. At worst, the return magically turns into IOU when the government corrects all the math errors. (A bill collector named “Crusher” is pounding on your front door.)
Today we were supposed to go to a charity walk/run, but unfortunately, due to the weather, it was canceled. So instead, we are going to visit some mailbox toppers. Some are old friends with changes, and some are new to us. We are being catered by Cavalier in Austin. Our entertainment is The Rolling Stones. (Yes, Mick owes me one.)
Menu
Full bar and beverage service.
Hop on the bus, and let’s go.
Our first stop is an armadillo we have seen before. He has a new sombrero and looks very distinguished.
Here is a new one. I call it the Hangover.
Let sleeping dogs lie. (The truth is overrated)
How about a flying pig or at least a pig with wings.
A blue turtle.
A naked armadillo.
Bluebird of happiness.
Siesta time.
The fox who had ice running off his nose last time now sports a plaid ribbon.
Here’s Bevo, the mascot of the University of Texas, in a different pose. I think the owner is upset at UT’s loss to Baylor that kept them out of this year’s Championship game (Which Baylor won against Oklahoma State.)
So relax and enjoy the food and music. I hope you have a great week.
After a decent night’s rest and a strong cup of coffee, the belief that permeates my thoughts is all the weird situations with Wilie E. Coyote have ended. The silence of the yard seems to confirm my conclusion. There is no little “beep-beep,” screeching, or implosion of a falling box as it terminates on the ground. But, just to be sure, a quick check of the Ring camera is in order. As I reach for my phone, a tone indicates something has entered the visual field. Looking at the screen reveals two grey upright things that look like plants.
Obviously, someone has placed something on the porch below the camera’s full view. This will require opening the front door to find out what is there. Having been burned in the past, it comes to me to use the speaker mode of the Ring camera to determine if anyone or anything is out there. “Hello,” I say.”
“Hello yourself, Doc,” is the reply.
The response causes me to ask about twenty questions answered with the simple phrase, “Open the door.”
A long sigh is followed by unlocking the deadbolts, releasing the chain, lifting the metal bar, and rolling the cage to the side. The door is opened to reveal a grey rabbit with white markings munching on a carrot. “What’s up, doc?”
The theme from Loony Toons goes through my head as the rabbit hands me an envelope. He indicates that I should open it and when I do, a letter floats out. The letter is from Linda Hill and reads. Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “rest.” Use it any way you like. Enjoy!
Macy, the Golden Retriever, Was Trapped Beneath Frozen Ground. A Chocolate Lab and Firefighters Helped Free Her
Here is a good news story found in Daily Paws and authored by Austin Cannon, Associate Editor.
Daily Paws brings you pet information and news and the story is reprinted in its entirety.
CREDIT: PHOTO COURTESY OF STREATOR ANIMAL CONTROL
A golden retriever who found herself trapped beneath the frozen ground has more than just firefighters to thank for her rescue. A passing Labrador retriever also played a vital role in reuniting Macy with her parents.
Macy went missing Friday morning at Marilla Park in Streator, Ill. As Streator Fire Department Capt. Fred McClellan—one of Macy’s eventual rescuers—understands she seemingly disappeared when her human turned away from her. The ground had collapsed beneath her, and unbeknownst searchers, including a drone, couldn’t find her.
Wrigley Photo: Streator animal control FB page
Before 7 a.m. the next day, Wrigley the chocolate Lab and his human were walking in the park when Wrigley ventured into the area where Macy was and stayed there, McClellan tells Daily Paws. He whined and barked, letting his owner know he found Macy, one of his park playmates.
Soon the Fire Department arrived for what would be a tricky rescue. Macy was only 4 or 5 feet beneath the ground, but she was bogged down in 4–5 inches of mud, McClellan says. The frozen ground was acting as a nearly unsupported roof to the hole. At first, the rescuers put a ladder down toward Macy to hopefully coax her up, but that didn’t work for the older dog with leg and hip issues.
McClellan had descended into the hole to secure Macy to a leash, so when the ladder didn’t work, they opted to lift her out using the leash. The attempt seemed to work initially, but the ground gave way under McClellan, who was standing right outside the opening as he tried to lift Macy out.
McClellan fell, but he was able to transfer full control of the leash to his engineer, Tim Redd, while he was semi-suspended over the opening. Redd and Wrigley’s owner were then able to pull Macy out as McClellan rolled away from the opening.
Macy, who’s about 11, seemed justifiably pleased to exit her cold, muddy prison after nearly 24 hours. She quickly greeted a woman who we’re guessing is her owner. She was very calm and helpful down in the hole, offering McClellan a paw when he was down there to affix her to the leash.
“She was doing really, really good,” he says.
A check from the veterinarian revealed Macy was unhurt—no doubt thanks to Wrigley, McClellan, and everyone else who helped out.
The Good News here is when friends stick together like Macy and Wrigley, good things happen. Today’s JohnKu talks about friendship. I hope you have a super weekend.
“Using this photo (below) as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put it (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before 6pm on Sunday (if you aren’t sure what the time is where I live, this link will tell you). If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here.
Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries next time.”
I have waited seven years to rerun this one. It originally ran on February 16th, 2015. I hope you enjoy it.
* * *
Today’s list has been created to provide a little satire surrounding President’s Day. (Happy President’s Day) This is a holiday that I have had a tough time getting my mind around. Other than getting a Monday off, I haven’t been able to see the significance of it all. Yes, Lincoln and Washington each have a birthday two days apart, which may be the only reason. Of course, there have been forty-five presidents, and most have made at least half of the population angry at one time or another. Let’s just say if a President were a member of the family, their birthday would, in a probability, be forgotten. So I’m making the supposition President’s Day is an invention of mattress and car companies for an excuse to have a sale. Here is a tongue-in-cheek top ten things not to do on President’s Day.
Top Ten Things Not to Do on President’s Day
10 On President’s Day, do not go to Wal-Mart and buy a giant Happy Presidents Day blow-up lawn thingy. If you do, at best, your neighbors will think you have a screw loose. At worst, a stiff wind will grab the lawn thingy and drag it and the tie-down through your neighbor’s front window. (There is no way to call upon the spirit of President’s Day for forgiveness).
9 On Presidents Day, do not plan to receive lots of President’s Day gifts. If you do, at best, you will sit under the cherry tree a very disappointed person. At worst, all the presents you bought expecting a significant gift exchange will all come due. (Just as your credit card company has a new policy on minimum payments required).
8 On President’s Day, do not try to organize a President’s Day office party. If you do, at best, your co-workers will request a transfer. At worst, the HR department will invite you to participate in the employee mental health improvement program. (Which will include three days in group therapy and an hour in ice and electric shock treatments).
7 On President’s Day, do not ask your neighbors to donate to a fund for the less fortunate. If you do, at best, you will never have to speak to them again. At worst, the local police will have you in for questioning. (It looks like one reported the potential for your request for donations to be taken as a scam).
6 On President’s Day, do not try to sing President’s Day carols in your neighborhood. If you do, at best, there will be several slammed doors and no invitations for hot cocoa. At worst, your neighbors might band together to organize an intervention. (And a free ride bound and gagged to the nearest institution).
5 On President’s Day, do not expect a bonus from your boss. If you do, at best, you will be disappointed. At worst, the money you spent in anticipation of your President’s Day bonus will need to be covered before the card company sends a collection notice. (The last time, the statement was delivered by a huge guy with a broken nose.)
4 On President’s Day, do not organize a picnic at the park to celebrate. If you do, at best, no one will show up. At worst, you will be shoveling three feet of snow just to find the barbecue grill. (Don’t even mention the crimp in the volleyball game).
3 On President’s Day, do not shoot off fireworks. If you do, at best, you will be the only one doing so, and your neighbors will know where to send the police. At worst, your massive fireworks display will ignite the neighbor’s roof, and since it is thirty degrees below zero, the fire department won’t be able to pump water. (To make matters worse, the neighbor is heading over to your house with what looks like a ball bat in his hand).
2 On President’s Day, do not sit in front of the TV thinking there will be a football game to watch. If you do, at best, your family will seek council from the local clergy. At worst, your friends will all come over and start eating your snacks and drinking your beer while betting on how long it will be until the ambulance shows up. (You might want to get in on the bet since the pot is at one hundred dollars).
1 On president’s Day, do not send Happy President’s Day cards to all your friends, family, and co-workers. If you do, at best, they will not know what to do or say. At worst, next year, they will all send you a Happy President’s Day card since you sent one last year. (This will cause you to check each off your list and only send a card the following year to those who sent you one).
Today, we will go to the park and check on the Friends of the Parks. They have a clean-up day (Although it was last week, we’ll pretend it is today), and we need to check it out. After observing hard work, we have a brunch catered by Moonshine in Austin. The entertainment today will be Chicago.
Menu
FULL MOON PLATTER two eggs any style, choice of (bacon, ham or sausage links), home fries, toast
SMOKED SALMON & JOHNNY CAKES poached eggs, dilled hollandaise, pickled red onion, home fries
PULLED PORK & JOHNNY CAKES poached eggs, green chile salsa, home fries
“Whatever,” I say out loud. The thought that the box is still in the driveway makes me want to go back to bed. But unfortunately, the call of the caffeine god turns me in the direction of the kitchen. As the cup finishes brewing, plans begin to form regarding what to do with that box. The appearance of Wile E. Coyote last week did nothing to aid in its removal. For all I know, the Canis latrans has moved into the box, is my troubling thought.
Taking a sip of the hot steaming stuff as I move toward the front door gives me the courage to open it. Stepping out onto the drive and close to the box, I gently rap on its side. Cocking my head to pick up even the slightest sound, I rap again. The wind in the trees seem to mock my apprehension, for it was the only audio detected.
A tap on my butt causes my natural instincts to kick in involuntarily. I can not explain how I got onto the top of the box and am now looking down at a smiling Wile E. Coyote. My coffee is mysteriously still in the cup clutched in my right hand. My mind drifts from concern about Wile and the box to wondering about the fact that the coffee remains intact.
I am brought back to reality when Wile asks if I would open the box. “Open the box?” I say. Wile explains that there is a latch on top and all I had to do was flip it open. I see the latch and flip it. The sides of the box fold out, and the top, including me, falls to the ground. The five-foot fall does nothing for my mood, nor does the fact that I am looking at a transparent ball just slightly smaller than the box. On the side of the ball is a stenciled logo that reads, “ACME Runner Ball. Be Ten Times Faster.”
Wilie gives me a thumbs up and opens a small door on the side of the ball. He climbs in just as that honking and screeching sound reaches my ears from behind. Turning around, I’m treated by another road runner visit and another note in its beak. I take the message, and the roadrunner runs off. Wilie starts running inside the ball and quickly catches up to the roadrunner. They both disappear around the corner, and I’m left with a note and a wooden box. The box will have to be chopped up. The message said the following Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “whatever.” Use the word “whatever” any way you’d like. Bonus points if you start your post with it. Have fun! If you want to have fun, go to Linda Hill’s blog and read how easy it is. Here is the link. https://lindaghill.com/2022/02/18/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-feb-19-2022/
