I have waited seven years to rerun this one. It originally ran on February 16th, 2015. I hope you enjoy it.
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Today’s list has been created to provide a little satire surrounding President’s Day. (Happy President’s Day) This is a holiday that I have had a tough time getting my mind around. Other than getting a Monday off, I haven’t been able to see the significance of it all. Yes, Lincoln and Washington each have a birthday two days apart, which may be the only reason. Of course, there have been forty-five presidents, and most have made at least half of the population angry at one time or another. Let’s just say if a President were a member of the family, their birthday would, in a probability, be forgotten. So I’m making the supposition President’s Day is an invention of mattress and car companies for an excuse to have a sale. Here is a tongue-in-cheek top ten things not to do on President’s Day.
Top Ten Things Not to Do on President’s Day
10 On President’s Day, do not go to Wal-Mart and buy a giant Happy Presidents Day blow-up lawn thingy. If you do, at best, your neighbors will think you have a screw loose. At worst, a stiff wind will grab the lawn thingy and drag it and the tie-down through your neighbor’s front window. (There is no way to call upon the spirit of President’s Day for forgiveness).
9 On Presidents Day, do not plan to receive lots of President’s Day gifts. If you do, at best, you will sit under the cherry tree a very disappointed person. At worst, all the presents you bought expecting a significant gift exchange will all come due. (Just as your credit card company has a new policy on minimum payments required).
8 On President’s Day, do not try to organize a President’s Day office party. If you do, at best, your co-workers will request a transfer. At worst, the HR department will invite you to participate in the employee mental health improvement program. (Which will include three days in group therapy and an hour in ice and electric shock treatments).
7 On President’s Day, do not ask your neighbors to donate to a fund for the less fortunate. If you do, at best, you will never have to speak to them again. At worst, the local police will have you in for questioning. (It looks like one reported the potential for your request for donations to be taken as a scam).
6 On President’s Day, do not try to sing President’s Day carols in your neighborhood. If you do, at best, there will be several slammed doors and no invitations for hot cocoa. At worst, your neighbors might band together to organize an intervention. (And a free ride bound and gagged to the nearest institution).
5 On President’s Day, do not expect a bonus from your boss. If you do, at best, you will be disappointed. At worst, the money you spent in anticipation of your President’s Day bonus will need to be covered before the card company sends a collection notice. (The last time, the statement was delivered by a huge guy with a broken nose.)
4 On President’s Day, do not organize a picnic at the park to celebrate. If you do, at best, no one will show up. At worst, you will be shoveling three feet of snow just to find the barbecue grill. (Don’t even mention the crimp in the volleyball game).
3 On President’s Day, do not shoot off fireworks. If you do, at best, you will be the only one doing so, and your neighbors will know where to send the police. At worst, your massive fireworks display will ignite the neighbor’s roof, and since it is thirty degrees below zero, the fire department won’t be able to pump water. (To make matters worse, the neighbor is heading over to your house with what looks like a ball bat in his hand).
2 On President’s Day, do not sit in front of the TV thinking there will be a football game to watch. If you do, at best, your family will seek council from the local clergy. At worst, your friends will all come over and start eating your snacks and drinking your beer while betting on how long it will be until the ambulance shows up. (You might want to get in on the bet since the pot is at one hundred dollars).
1 On president’s Day, do not send Happy President’s Day cards to all your friends, family, and co-workers. If you do, at best, they will not know what to do or say. At worst, next year, they will all send you a Happy President’s Day card since you sent one last year. (This will cause you to check each off your list and only send a card the following year to those who sent you one).