This post continues the Top Ten Things Not to Do with a historical background. Yesterday marked the anniversary of the first telephone call made by Alexander Graham Bell in 1876. He famously said, “Watson, come here. I need you” to his assistant Thomas Watson. If you happen to have a time machine and can get there, take this list and maybe you can stay out of trouble.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the first Telephone Call by John W. Howell ©2019

10 If you are at the first phone call, do not talk and laugh while Alexander is on the phone. If you do, at best you will be sushed. At worst, you will be sent to your room without dinner. (Why is it when someone gets on the phone you feel ignored, Gunner. Don’t worry the call only took two seconds.)

9 If you are at the first phone call, do not cut in the waiting line to make a call in front of Tiny the WWF champ. If you do, at best Tiny will ask you to leave. At worst, Tiny who just finished his assertive class will palm your head as if it were a basketball. (You know what will come next, Garfield. It’s that melon squeeze thing he made famous at the circus.)

8 If you are at the first phone call, do not ask Alexander if he has thought of Caller ID. If you do, at best he will give you a funny look. At worst, he will ask you to explain how it works. (Go ahead, Gifford. Tell Alexander Graham Bell exactly how Caller ID functions. Cat got your tongue?)

7 If you are at the first phone call, do not try to talk your way into an operator’s job. If you do, at best you will be ignored. At worst, Tom Watson will think you are taking his role. (Looks like old Tom has a pretty mean uppercut, Gregorie. Best not fool with him.)

6 If you are at the first phone call, do not try to call Alexander collect. If you do, at best he will think it’s a joke. At worst, he will block your number. (Now look what you’ve done Galin. Your phone number has been blocked for all eternity, and you have probably caused a rip in the time continuum.)

5 If you are at the first phone call, do not tell Alexander that he has won an all expense paid cruise. If you do, at best he will hang up. At worst, he will force you to make good on the offer. (So much for starting the first phone scam, Granger.)

4 If you are at the first phone call, do not try to phone prank, Alexander. If you do, at best he won’t bite. At worst, he knows where you live and has friends on the police force. (So much for the Prince Albert in a can joke, Gaagii. He was on to you immediately when he realized Prince Albert tobacco wasn’t available yet.) For the youthful readers, Prince Albert tobacco came in a can. The joke was to call a tobacco shop and ask, “Do you have Prince Albert in a can?” If the answer is, “Yes,” then the jokester would say, “Please let the poor fellow out.” Then the jokester and his buddies would fall about the place laughing.)

3 If you are at the first phone call, do not answer a call from Alexander on a speakerphone. If you do, at best he might disconnect. At worst, he will use his air horn to clear the line. (How is that hearing test coming along, Gabie. That horn had some decibel range huh?)

2 If you are at the first phone call, do not shout into the receiver. If you do, at best no one will be there. At worst the caller will think you are hard of hearing and You’ll end up in a shouting match. (That was a fun call, Gadi. Now go get a Ricola for that hoarse throat.)

1 If you are at the first phone call, do not think Alexander Graham Bell is a telemarketer. If you do, at best you won’t hang up. At worst, you will disconnect from a very historic call. (You could have been written into history, Gaillard. Instead, you are being cursed by Alex himself.)