Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Renaissance Faire

July 30, 2018July 29, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 82 Comments

The inspiration for this list was a question by the producer. “Have you done a Top Ten on a Renaissance Faire?” The answer was, “No.” So here it is. (I know pretty simple inspiration, isn’t it?) If you read to the end, I have a question about an idea given me by a regular reader. I would appreciate your comments. No poll just comment if you feel like it.

10 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not raise your hand when the wizard asks for volunteers. If you do, at best you might get embarrassed. At worst, the trick will go horribly wrong, and you’ll be sporting some Hellboy horns. (I think it was that stray goat that gave a The Fly like result, Emest. Don’t worry, maybe the wizard can reverse the spell. Yeah, maybe.)

9 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not boo Tiny, the WWF champ, when he walks onto the jousting field. If you do, at best he will have lost you in the crowd. At worst, Tiny who has been attending court-ordered anger management classes will accidentally let go of his mace as he nears the spectator stand. (You can place money as to where that mace will land, Emmanuele. No, that umbrella won’t help at all.)

8 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not accept the invitation to put your head and wrists into the stocks. If you do, at best you’ll get a humorous photo. At worst, the guy running the stocks exhibit forgot the keys, and now you have an afternoon of ridicule. ( It will be fun he said. How much fun is it, Enar? Oh, that tomato wasn’t quite ripe was it?)

7 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not think Three Card Monty is an easy way to pick up spending money. If you do, at best you may only lose a few dollars. At worst, you and the dealer will need to come to an equitable arrangement to cover that last bet. (I don’t think he will take a check, Engel.)

6 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not accept an invitation to attend the after hours cast party. If you do, at best you’ll need to leave early to take the babysitter home. At worst, you’ll be singing “Moma Told Me Not to Come” while trying to find the door out. (Whoever coined the term, “hangover,” Enyeto. How you feel is more like “lifeover.”)

5 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not join the music makers on stage if you are overserved. If you do, at best no one you know will see your performance. At worst, the videos were taken by the audience when you fell off the stage all went viral. (Hard to explain to your boss what you were thinking huh, Ephrem. He believes the head of HR should set a better example.)

4 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not throw your consumed turkey leg over your shoulder as a supposed imitation of Henry VIII. If you do, at best by chance it will hit a trash receptacle. At worst, you will catch someone’s grandma in the face with your trash. (That someone just happens to be the big guy wearing the barbarian outfit which is now holding you off your feet, Erikson. He’s not buying the accident story, and his club looks pretty substantial.)

3 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not dress in period armor. If you do, at best the day will be overcast. At worst, the temperature just hit a new record high. (Now you know what it is like to be in a sweatbox, Erroll. That authentic clasp on the back is just out of reach and everyone you ask to unhook it thinks you’re a perve.)

2 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not get carried away with the thought of quitting work and joining the cast. If you do, at best your audition will fail. At worst, you will be picked to play the blacksmith. (That hot furnace and pounding metal all day wasn’t what you had in mind, was it Eryk? Too bad you signed a seasonal agreement, and you only have six more months to serve. You found out too late that no one likes to play the blacksmith.)

1 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not think you have to talk to everyone in Renaissance English. If you do, at best no one will understand you. At worst, a large cast member will think you are making fun of his speech. (Might be a good idea to find a flagon of mead right now, Eskander. Better yet two flagons. One to share with the guy holding your neck.)

I would appreciate a comment on the following:

A reader has suggested that I do a Top Ten Things Not to Do at select historical events. For example, The Top Ten Things Not to Do at Louis XIV’s coronation. Or Top Ten Things Not to Do While Crossing the Delaware with Washington. These would all be ridiculous things (as usual) on a historical backdrop. I would appreciate it if you could let me know what you think.

Views of the Neighborhood -Surf Fishing

July 29, 2018July 28, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 58 Comments

As you can see it is a beautiful day. The surf is calm and the winds have slowed. All this means the surf fisherfolk will be out in force. Good time to cruise around and see what we can see.

A young man making breakfast. There is no fish but plenty of bacon. He obviously stayed the night.

Need to have a full bait bucket. He caught and released a shark.

This is how you surf fish. You wade out with a rod and cast as far as you can.

Getting that line ready.

Couple out for a day of fishing. That grill says they have confidence.

Here is a group who have circled the RVs. Pretty safe from wolves.

Here is a shot that could be called, “retrospective for a chair.” Wonder what happens if there is a bite.

You can barely see the guy on top of the camper in a lounge chair. Looks like a cool spot.

Here is how the resorts put up with the sun. Those umbrellas and chairs are set up by the staff.

They even have portable restrooms at this resort.

This is what they use to groom the sand on the beach.

A couple of poles. Looks like they ditched their owners.

Here is what we all hate. Some idiot from San Antonio putting up caution tape to reserve an area that could accommodate twenty people. The big question, “Where the heck are they?” Probably in bed while you are out here trying to find a place. “Go ahead cut the ribbon and pull in.”

Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt “T, Tea,Tee

July 28, 2018July 27, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 45 Comments

It is Stream of Consciousness Saturday and this weeks prompt is . . . Well, I’m going to quote Linda Hill since it is a little complex.

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “T, tea, tee.” Theme your post around “tea” or “tee,” or find a word that starts with “T” and talk about that. Bonus points if you manage to incorporate all three. Enjoy!

There you have it. If you would like to join the crew, visit Linda’s blog to find out how. Here is the link. https://lindaghill.com/2018/07/27/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-july-28-18/

T, Tea, Tee by John W. Howell © 2108

“Tremendous prompt.”

“What? Are you having a stroke?”

“No, I just got the e-mail with the prompt for Saturday.”

“Can”t be that exciting.”

“Well, maybe not for you but for an old prompter it is a doozy.”

“What is it?”

“T, Tea, Tee.”

“Come again?”

“A word that starts with T.”

“Uh huh.”

“Tea like the drink.”

“Okay.”

“Tee like in golf.”

“And what makes all these so tremendous?”

“Extra credit.”

“Extra credit?”

“Yeah if you use all three there is extra credit.”

“Like in one sentence?”

“I guess that would be one way. It would be better to make a story around all three.”

“So let’s hear it?”

“What?”

“The story.”

“You have eaten up most of the prompt time with your questions so it will have to be short.”

“Fine with me and I’m sure the fourth wall would thank you for keeping it short.”

“Yes, well here goes. It was a lovely day for a golf match. The greens were perfect and the temperature was ideal. The three golfers approached the tee with one thing in mind. They wanted to trounce the fourth. You see every week the fourth guy would take the total match with the tiniest lead. The other three could taste victory and conspired to try to work together to maybe see the fourth go down in defeat. After the first nine holes, it was apparent that the test the three thought to try was not working. They decided over a cup of tea to tamper with the fourth’s golf balls. While he was occupied with an Earl Grey, they touched each ball with some tincture of lead. They figured with the slight added weight, the ball would tumble out of control and one of the three would be the winner. When fourth returned, they all went to the tee. The three could hardly keep a straight face as the fourth place his ball on the tee and prepared to drive it to the fairway. He swung and with a loud “thwack,” the ball disappeared from sight. The three could not believe it. The ball looked like it was going to hit the green in one stroke.`The Three looked at each other with trepidation. They all teed off, and when they reached the green, they were traumatized. The ball had tipped into the cup as they approached. “That is a fine how do you do,” said the tallest of the three. “Tiddlywinks,” said the timidest. “Tar and feathers,” said the trickiest. The fourth won that day which brings up a lesson. If you are going to cheat, know your business. Tincture of lead does not a tricky ball make.”

“And?”

“What do you mean, ‘And”‘

“Is there more?”

“No.”

“Terrible tale, tacky, turkey.”

“Thank you. I just love reviews.”

Friday JohnKu – AKA – TGIF

July 27, 2018July 26, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 63 Comments

The week has been a quick one for sure. We continue to have hot and humid days here on the Texas Coast. Of course, people always ask, “So what did you expect?” I think to some degree they are right. Having lived in San Antonio during the summer, one cannot expect snow in August.

When the heat gets really bad, I tend to think back to the times when there was no air conditioning. I always wonder how folks could bear to sleep in temperatures above eighty degrees. I did it for two nights when the electricity was out during Hurricane Harvey, and I can double dog guarantee doing it for a longer time wouldn’t make it any easier.

I think our technology allows us to exist in areas where we probably should avoid. Also, that is the beauty of technology. Allowing expansion into areas that would otherwise be inhabitable. Today’s JohnKu talks about human destiny. I hope you have a super weekend.

From the earliest,

Humans have sought to expand . . .

Where is the boundary?

Thursday – A Little Personal – Too Hot to Play Outside

July 26, 2018July 25, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 69 Comments

“Hey, Bailey. Look at Lucy”

“Yeah. Looks like she is up and at em today.”

“Yeah, you two. It is too hot to play outside, so we have to think of things to do inside.

“I’m already doing it. Laying on the couch.”

“Come on Bailey you need the exercise.”

“How about you Little Potato. Want to play with this toy?”

“How do we play with it?”

“Right now it looks like a nice stole on you.”

“But that is not the intent of this toy. You grab it.”

“Then what?”

“You shake it like you would a wild pig.”

“Oh, my. Wild pig? Where do we find wild pigs?”

“Pay no attention to Lucy. She thinks she is a medieval hunting dog.”

“That is what I was bred for, Bailey.”

“So Twiggy. You shake the prey until you break its neck.”

“Ew. I don’t think I can do that.”

“Yeah, Lucy she’s a puppy and a French Bulldog not a hulk like you.”

“There you go, Twiggy. Tear out its throat.”

“Lucy for heaven’s sake. Frenchies are not hunters.”

“What do they do then?”

“They had been bred for non-sporting reasons since at least 1800, and so their use changed from a sporting breed to a companion breed.”

“Yeah, so can we get Lucy to let go of my neck.”

“Oh sorry, Little One. Got carried away with the hunt.”

“That’s it. I’m taking the prey . . . er, the toy.”

“I will be careful.”

“I think you need a time out.”

“You are not my mother.”

“You want me to tell mom?

“Okay, Time to rest little one.”

“Ah. It is so nice to have you as a big sister, Lucy.”

“Hear that big game hunter.”

“Yeah, I hear it. Thank you, Twiggy. It’s nice to have a little sister too.

Wednesday Story Day – AKA – Hump Day

July 25, 2018July 24, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 46 Comments

Oh no. I was told not to wake them until Friday. This is Wednesday

It is Wednesday Story Day again and last week Andrew (retired M.E.) and Larry agreed to give Perry (current M.E.) some direction on evidence preservation as well as contact the IT department and the forensic team. The idea is to see if there is the possibility of the existence of a backup file of the Sandusky autopsy report. This is the only way Andrew can substantiate his claim that he made an entry in the record that is no longer there on the hard copy. I see Andrew has headed off to talk with the IT department. Let’s stick with Larry as he has a discussion with Perry.

“Excuse me Perry, but do you have a minute?”

“Of course, detective. What can I do for you?”

“As you know, there seems to be a missing soft copy of the Sandusky autopsy report, and I want to make sure nothing else goes missing from this department.”

“Speak plainly detective. Do you think I had something to do with the missing file?”

“Oh, no of course not. You weren’t even here when the file disappeared. I’m curious as to why you would say such a thing?”

“Well, I get the feeling that you suspect something is all.”

“Yeah, well I think most people get that feeling around me. I am suspicious by vocation remember?”

“Understood, but I think there is a little avocation in there as well.”

“Okay, you got me. I’m totally suspicious of everyone.”

“So, what did you want to talk to me about?”

“We need to set up some safeguards to make sure no other files go missing. We also need to preserve all the information currently on hand in the Sandusky file.”

“Okay, that makes sense. How do we accomplish this goal?”

“We start by putting all your files in a protected space on the mainframe. We need to make sure you are the only one who can access that space.”

“I think our IT department can handle that.”

“Yes I hope so. Andrew is talking to them now.”

“What else?”

“I think you should get files that lock and not allow access unless people sign the material in and out.”

“Our file room has a lock on the door. Will that suffice?”

“it will if you have control over who has a key.”

“Yeah, that’s a problem. That door has been there a while and no telling who has a key.”

“Call maintenance and get the lock changed. Get as few keys as necessary to run your department.”

“Okay will do. I don’t think too many people need access to the files anyway.”

“Okay good. Also, my CSI team will be arriving shortly.”

“CSI? What are they going to do?”

“I want to dust the files and the servers. Just a sweep to see if there are any strange fingerprints or stray evidence lying around. I will need a list of anyone who has gone into the files recently.

“I thought the file was compromised then years ago.”

“Very true but I still want to see if there are any interlopers putting their hands where they don’t belong.”

“Ah very good. I like your precautions.”

“Thank you, Perry. Suspicious remember.

Tuesday – Anything Possible – Kreative Kue #184 by Keith Channing

July 24, 2018July 23, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 46 Comments

In Keith’s words. “Using this photo (below) as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put it (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before 6pm next Sunday (if you aren’t sure what the time is where I live, this link will tell you). If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here.

Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries, with links to your own blog or website, next Monday.”

“Excuse me, sir.”

“Yes, what is it.?”

“Do you have a moment to speak to KRIM News?”

“News? What about?”

“We are asking everyday citizens about how effective they think their government is performing.”

“Oh, my. I may be the wrong person for that kind of question.”

“Oh, come on sir. It is nothing hard. Just your opinion. There is no right or wrong answer.”

“I’m not sure.”

“How about your comrades. Maybe they might be willing.”

“They are with me and what I say goes.”

“Will you give them permission to speak.”

“Well, that is the whole problem. They only do what I say and don’t have a mind of their own.”

“How about the guy with the Fri-End jacket? What does that mean anyway?”

“Friend. The word is friend. He won’t have much to say. Okay, if you insist I will talk to you. Then we need to be on our way.”

“Super. Thank you so much. What I will do is ask your name— “

“No names. We need to be anonymous. In fact, we need to be off camera.”

“Er. I guess that will be okay. No name then. I will be explaining to the viewers that we are interviewing people about their government and then I’ll ask the first question.”

“What is the question?”

“What can you do to improve the government?”

“Oh, I like that. It will give me an opportunity to talk about what I like and dislike.”

“Terrific. This is going to be a swell interview. Okay, so standby. We will be recording in three, two, one. Hi, viewers, this is Sally Mae Masters reporting to you live from the central market. Today we are talking to everyday citizens about their feelings regarding the performance of our government. Our first guest is a young man who has asked that we not show him on camera. We are respecting that wish. Hello, young man.”

“Hello, Miss Masters.”

“So tell me how you think we can improve our government.”

“Well, Miss Masters since I feel our government has failed us miserably I think a massive disruptive event will underscore how the oppressed citizens feel.”

“Wow, that sounds like a powerful expression. What do you have in mind.”

“We think a large bag of red paint representing our rage dropped on an unsuspecting politician or even a TV personality should do the trick.”

“That sounds like it could be messy. Do you have a politician picked out?”

“Yes, we do. We are going to surprise Senator Smith. We are on our way there now.”

“Senator Smith is out-of-town.”

“You sure?”

“Yes, I covered his departure this morning.”

“Well, I guess it will have to be the personality then.”

“Who do you have in mind?”

“How are your ratings, Miss Masters?”

“Down, way down. This is Sally Mae Masters signing off. Excuse me I gotta go.”

“I think red is your color. Down with the government oppressors.”

Top Ten Things Not to Do When the Heat Index is Above 110 degrees F (43.3 C)

July 23, 2018July 22, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 74 Comments

The inspiration for this list was yesterday’s high temperature and high humidity.

10 If the heat index is above 110, do not do your 10K run. If you do, at best, your water will run out at 5K. At worst, passersby will wonder what you are doing in the community fountain. (Look like the police wonder the same thing, Edan. I think your reason better be a little better than, “Trying to cool off,” since only a fool, crazy person, or a drunk would be running today.)

9 If the heat index is above 110, do not fail to say “excuse me,” if you accidentally bump into Tiny the WWF Wrestling champ. If you do, at best Tiny will be too hot to care. At worst, Tiny who just walked out of his affiliation addiction support group will honestly believe you hit him on purpose. (Coupled with the heat and Tiny’s need to be liked I think you are headed for a harrowing afternoon, Edwald. Running will only make him madder.)

8 If the heat index is above 110, do not get out that lawnmower. If you do, at best there will be no gas. At worst, you will get halfway finished before the case of heat stroke hits you. (The sad part is in addition to the hospital stay you are in violation of your home owner’s association rules on lawn care. You better have someone finish the lawn, Efraim before Mrs. Jones spots that half done lawn cut.)

7 If the heat index is above 110, do not go tenting as planned. If you do, at best you won’t need a fire to heat your coffee water. At worst, sometime during the night, the local bear family gets the idea you are a specially prepared dish called a naked ape roasted in canvas. (Yeah, there is no way you are going to talk them out of a meal, Eisa. Might as well give up that sirloin you were going to have tomorrow and count yourself lucky at that.)

6 If the heat index is above 110, do not think you will make it home with that gallon of ice cream. If you do, at best you should take a spoon. At worst, you’ll arrive home with a leaking container of melted ice cream which will leave a trail across the new carpet as you head for the kitchen. (I think you might just continue out the back door, Elazar. Pretty hard to explain the new chocolate on the white wool decorating scheme. As you leave, I would do a serpentine maneuver. Harder for a shooter to hit.)

5 If the heat index is above 110, do not think being on a body of water is going to cool you. If you do, at best the boat has a canopy so you won’t die. At worst, you will remember the poem The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner as you whisper through parched lips, “Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink.” (Time to get on the radio and call for help, Elfred. Of course, you will be lucky if anyone will answer a crazy man.)

4 If the heat index is above 110, do not escape the heat in the corner bar. If you do, at best the bartender will allow you to stay while sipping one drink. At worst, you will think you have to keep consuming drinks while sitting on the bar stool. (Now that you have beaten the heat, tell us how you are going to get home, Elija. You certainly can’t drive and walking is impossible as well. Maybe if you could talk you could ask for a cab.)

3 If the heat index is above 110, do not go ahead with that cookout. If you do, at best your guests will all cancel. At worst, they all show up and take on available liquid at an unprecedented rate. (Too bad all you are offering is your famous trash can punch, Elkhanah. It seems that no one is still standing as you serve your equally renowned ribs. Good thing you have lots of floor space.)

2. If the heat index is above 110, do not ignore the power company warnings about conserving electricity consumption. If you do, at best everyone else does, and you have no loss of power. At worst, your electricity shuts down, and you are now faced with a night of sleeping in a house with a heat index of 120. (Why is it when the electricity goes off it gets hotter, Elmo? Must be a law of some kind.)

1 If the heat index is above 110, do not forget your children and pets need extra care. If you do, at best you’ll be lucky, and they will be fine. We don’t want to think of the worst case. (Just keep them cool, Elwin. And for heaven’s sake don’t leave anyone in the car, A/C or not.)

Views of the Neighborhood – When It’s Hot

July 22, 2018July 21, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 80 Comments

There is nothing like Summer in South Texas. The above heat index map was from yesterday at 11:30 AM. We live under the right side of the 0 in the number 103 F. (That’s 39.444 degrees C) The forecasted high could go to 110.

So what does one do to beat the heat around here? Let me tell you the beach and pools are way too hot.

How about a trip to the library?

Hmm. Boarded door and not accepting donations? I would say they are closed.

I know. A stroll through the Marie Science Educational Center.

Does the word, “temporarily” mean like in four or five minutes they will open? Probably not.

We could head over to the candy shop. Of course, it costs about 1000 calories an hour to stay cool there.

Now we are talking. How about painting a ceramic and having it fired? Let’s go inside.

The first thing you see is the pickup rack. This is where the clients pick up their ceramics after they have been fired. You can see some waiting for their owners.

This is Michelle Shook, the owner of Fire It Ceramics. She just moved into a new location after Hurricane Harvey severely damaged her previous shop. The fish she is getting ready to wrap was started by a client before the hurricane hit. It survived in the shop and is being picked up today.

This is a shot of the color rack. As you can see, there are about 280 choices to decorate your piece.

This wall chart gives the client an idea of what their finish will look like after it is fired. So what you do is select your color and then go to this display and check to see if what you have chosen will come out the way you hope. Michelle says, “You don’t have to know how to paint from an artistic sense to do ceramics. All you do is apply paint.”

Here are the workplaces. While we were there, a group was having a birthday. Their group was about ten, so two tables were put together.

Here are some of the ceramics on display. You choose your ceramic and then paint it.

Here are some more.

A supply table and some T-shirts waiting for design

More choices on what to paint.

Here is Michelle again with her large kiln. She had five kilns working at her previous location. She temporarily has two that survived the hurricane and more on order.

Of course, there is always some idiot willing to stick their head into a cut-out and pay considerable sums to get possession of the data file with the picture.

Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt – Organ

July 21, 2018July 20, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 49 Comments

It is Stream of Consciousness Saturday and this weeks prompt is “organ.” Linda Hill says we can use it any way we want. If you would like the challenge of using the word organ go to Linda’s blog and read how. Here is the link. https://lindaghill.com/2018/07/20/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-july-21-18/

“I know I see the word.”

“So you know what I’m thinking right now.”

“I think I do. You need to rise above your thoughts and do something uplifting.”

“Very funny. If you knew what I was thinking about the word “organ.” you would have never used the word uplifting.”

“Oh, whatever. Just get on with writing something that is out of the gutter.”

“How about I do the prompt describing a classical piece of music specially written for the organ?”

“I think that would be nice. We could all learn a little more about classical music.”

“I could talk about Johann Sebastian Bach and some of his music.”

“That would be nice.”

“And one of my favorites is the Organ Concerto in A Minor which is an arrangement of Vivaldi’s Violin Concerto in A Minor.”

“Wow, that would be terrific.”

“Bach composed some of the greatest music for the organ. He was an organist after all.”