The inspiration for this post is the fact that I am held captive on a flight to the UK. The beautiful part is I will have landed by the time it is published.

10 If you are on an overseas flight, do not wander up and down the aisles like a zombie. If you at best, everyone will be able to sleep through your wandering. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ, who just graduated from Marvel’s Zombie Hunters School (With honors)  will use you as a practice dummy.(Notice how easy your arm comes off, Dope.)

9 If you are on an overseas flight, do not remove your shoes if you have foot problems. If you do, at best your neighbors will think the in-flight meal is mac and cheese. At worst, the captain will be forced to land due to a perceived threat of poisoned gas attack. (Those Marshalls look a little upset, Dudley.)

8 If you are on an overseas flight, do not think alcohol will help you cope with boredom.  If you do, at best you will pass out. At worst, you might end up in chains after trying to start a karaoke competition in First Class. (Those rich folk have no sense of humor do they, Bunkey?)

7 If you are on an overseas flight, do not think you are in a five-star restaurant. If you do, at best you will learn your mistake quickly on the first bite. At worst, you will get a visit from a grumpy crew member the first time you attempt to send the entrée back for “additional finishing.” (My goodness these people are sensitive about constructive criticism aren’t they, Buford.)

6 If you are on an overseas flight, do not try to make conversation with your seatmate if they are not interested. If you do, at best it is hoped you get the hint. At worst, your seat mate will finally get tired of your interference and call the crew for relief. (You are talking fast, Tex but I don’t think these guys believe you will mind your manners. Those handcuffs they are pulling out sure look uncomfortable.)

5 If you are on an overseas flight, do not over study the emergency procedures card in the seat back pocket in front of you. If you do, at best your neighbors won’t think anything of it. At worst, you will raise suspicions that you are going to do something funny during the flight. (Do you wonder why that big guy exchanged seats with your seatmate, Doofus? I wouldn’t make any sudden moves right now.)

4 If you are on an overseas flight, remember that you can’t hear how loud you speak with your earphones on. If you forget, at best,  those around you are wearing earphones as well. At worst, you will continually wake up those around you until one decides to take your earphones. (He the biggest guy you’ve ever seen huh, Brad? Just let the earphones go.)

3 If you are on an overseas flight, do not tell your seatmate the ending of the movie that you have already seen. If you do, at best the seatmate wanted to nap anyway. At worst, you have no made an enemy of someone you will be sitting with for the next eight hours. (Don’t close your eyes, Buster. No telling what they will do.)

2 If you are on an overseas flight, do not think you are the only passenger on the plane. If you do, at best you will be set straight sooner rather than later. At worst you will have alienated enough people to get you self a deluxe seat in the hold. (Pretty cold down here huh, Putz?)

1 If you are on an overseas flight, do not tell anyone you are an author. If you do, at best you’ll be ignored. At worst, you will have to sit through an eight-hour description of the story that your seatmate is sure will make a great book. (There is a simple answer to the question, “What do you do?” Just say you are a professional car thief, Pal.)