The inspiration for this list is two-fold. One, we have had two nights of sub-freezing temperatures with daytime highs in the 30’s. Two, we have some people from up North who visit each winter. They are called “Winter Texans” and continually provide examples of what not to do. I hope you enjoy the list.

10 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not insist on wearing shorts and flip-flops. If you do, at best folks will think you are nuts. At worst, your blue knees and feet will frighten small children. (I know it’s 40 below in Minot. That is about the same temperature as 29 on the beach.)

9 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not think a beach fire will offset the cold. If you do, at best one side of you will be thawed. At worst, those winds will whip embers into the bed of your pickup to meet up with that gas can you keep there. (You don’t even have a boat so what’s up with the gas can Dudley?)

8 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not think the sixty-degree water will warm you if you go in. If you do, at best you’ll get the surprise of your life. At worst, you will need to call 911 and have the EMS crew standing by with thermal blankets. (Also the institution will be nice and cozy while you are under psychological observation, right Buford?)

7 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not try to salvage your vacation. If you do, at best all the games and beach toys will be useful someday. At worst, your family will not speak to you for a month. (It only took three hours to get their body temperatures back to normal, Idiot.)

6 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not think that tent is going to keep you warm. If you do, at best you’ll find a nice motel room after two hours. At worst, the thirty miles per hour wind will relocate your tent to the next county. (Hard to sleep with no shelter huh Bunky?)

5 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not think that water in your camper tank will not freeze. If you do, at best you’ll need to wait for a drink. At worst, your tank which was a one piece is now two. (Amazing about that wind chill isn’t it, Camper Dan)

4 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not try to interest everyone in smores. If you do, at best the attractiveness of frozen smores is at best marginal. At worst your youngest got his tongue stuck on the metal marshmallow roasting fork. (The fire department wasn’t amused and the CPS officer wants to ask you some question about child abuse. Ferd)

3 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not try to cut the line at the packed coffee-house. If you do at best, you will be asked to leave. At worst, the guy you cut ahead of is Tiny the WWF champ who just left his anger management class after receiving an F on his final exam. (Looks like you might need some help, Buster)

2 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not rent a golf cart thinking it a good way to stay warm while on the beach. If you do, at best you’ll wish you had heavier coats. At worst, you will try to return the cart only to find the fee is nonrefundable. (Looks like you spent about a hundred dollars an hour for something you should not have rented in the first place.)

1 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, resist the temptation to cruise the beach in your big ‘ole dually pickup truck. At best, you will not see anything. At worst, you will spew enough diesel smoke to take out a pack of seagulls. (Why not just stay in your travel trailer and wait until tomorrow when it will be eighty degrees)