This post was initially run on December 16th, 2016. Parties and our behavior at them have not changed much, so I hope you enjoy it again. If you remember it from the last time, you probably don’t need the advice given here.

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The inspiration for this list has been an adult life-long fascination with human interactions. There is no time like the holidays to go out and get an actual feeling of how people interrelate. I may have published some of these points under a different context, but it still bears repeating some of the advice again. I cannot swear I haven’t done any of these, but I don’t think so. Also, a message to the Yale School of Psychology. This is all in fun and should not be used as part of the curriculum dealing with Holiday stress. With that disclaimer, here we go.

The Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Holiday Party

10 At a holiday party, do not assume because the drinks are free, you can have all you want. If you do, at best, you will find the next morning that the drinks were not free after all. At worst, you might wake up in the guest room bathtub and have no idea how you got there. (Your host was very pleased when you locked the door to the only bathroom in the house. Too bad the pounding on the door didn’t give you a hint, Bunky.)

9 At a holiday party, do not think an informal atmosphere will lend itself to getting closer to your boss. If you do, At best, you will only say one stupid thing. At worst, you wake up at 3:00 am realizing you told your boss exactly what you thought of the latest project. (Now you also remember the hurt look on the boss’ face since it was a pet project. Maybe you can say you had a brain aneurysm, huh, Ferd?)

8 At a holiday party, do not double dip from the crab spread. If you do, at best, no one will notice, and you’ll be safe. At worst, unfortunately, you chose the moment when the boss was doing a video panorama and are now a piece of history. (The playback at the office caused a noticeable groan from your co-workers, and several grabbed their zinc inhalers. Why you had to sneeze right after the double dip is anybody’s guess.)

7 At a holiday party, do not think of arriving without a host gift. If you do, at best, you might be able to sneak in unnoticed. At worst, the host had requested in the invitation to bring an unwrapped toy for a needy child. (That will teach you to ignore letters. You never sent an RSVP either, did you, Buster?)

6 At a holiday party, do not think everyone wants to sing carols. If you do, at best, you may be doing a solo. At worst, you will be so annoying that the host will ask his cousin Tiny, with WWF champ, to see you to the door. (Tiny’s method of seeing people to the door is very similar to his winning body slam in the ring. Don’t worry, nothing’s broken. It’s all fake, remember?)

5 At a holiday party, do not try to get away with bringing a  cheap bottle of wine as a gift. If you do, at best, no one will see you set it down. At worst, your host will thank you and suggest that you open it immediately to share with the guests. (Two-buck Chuck is so well-known, Oscar, that your face is now the color of the wine.)

4 At a holiday party, do not attempt to have controversial discussions with each conversation. If you do, at best, you’ll end up talking to the dog. At worst, you’ll spark a debate that will ultimately engulf the entire room and eventually lead to the arrival of a SWAT team. (Well, you did learn that politics is a hot subject, didn’t you, Bucky?)

3 At a holiday party, do not think you have to entertain everyone with your jokes. If you do, at best, you’ll find out quickly you are no Henny Youngman. At worst, most in attendance will enquire of the host about that strange person who is not funny. (The beautiful thing is your boss’ boss took down your name which should lead to some good stuff. Maybe at the next company, huh, Milton?)

2 At a holiday party, do not suggest everyone go out into the snow to see how beautiful the lights look. If you do, at best, no one will follow you. At worst, your host will open the front door and promptly slam and lock it after you are gone. (It seemed like a good idea at the time, didn’t it, Roscoe?. Now you need to call and get your shoes back.)

1 At a holiday party, do not ignore someone who asks for your keys. If you do, at best, you will be breaking the law. At worst, you could be responsible for hurting yourself and, more importantly, an innocent victim. (Obviously, we all should remember not to drink and drive this holiday season.)

The golf cart has become a significant form of transportation here in Lakeway. Mainly because the town was built around several golf courses. This post originally ran on December 4, 2017. Since I see golf carts everywhere, I think it is still valid.

10 If you are on a golf cart, do not think the safety belts are there as a bit of humor. If you do, at best, you’ll get a $150.00 ticket. At worst, you will find yourself outside the cart at the first bump. (You didn’t think nineteen miles per hour could cause you to pitch out onto the street, right, Chadwick?)

9 If you are on a golf cart, do not expect Tiny, the WWF champ who has just left his weight training class, to yield to you. If you do, at best, you will miss each other in the middle of the street. At worst, Tiny will stop your cart and then show you how he can press the hardware with you on it. (Watch that trip down when Tiny drops the whole mess on the street, Chalmar.)

8 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you can ignore the traffic rules. If you do, at best, you’ll get a warning. At worst, you and the cart will be under arrest. (You gotta envy the fact that the cart gets to stay outside the jail, don’t you, Chas?)

7 If you are on a golf cart, do not try a turn at full speed. If you do, at best, you may blow a tire. At worst, as you take the curve on two wheels, all your belongings and half your family will be dumped on the street. (You will have a tough time explaining your maneuver to those in the emergency room, Chauncy.)

6 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you can go twenty miles an hour under the speed limit on the main road. If you do, at best, you’ll realize soon you need to get off. At worst, an irate driver will help you, along with little concern for your welfare. (You didn’t know a golf cart being pushed by an eighteen-wheeler could go that fast, did you, Chetwin? Also, you didn’t have that white hair before the lift, did you?)

5 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you can carry more people than the number of places to sit. If you do, at best, the golf cart won’t have enough power to move. At worst, you will lose a couple of the standing-room-only passengers on the first turn. (You say one of those thrown into a cactus patch was your boss, Clemens?)

4 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you have the right of way because you are smaller. If you do, at best, you’ll just get an air horn warning. At worst, you will be trying to return a flattened golf cart. (The cart store proprietor doesn’t have much of a sense of humor, does he, Clovis?)

3 If you are on a golf cart, do not think the police will ignore drinking and driving. If you do, at best, your friends won’t let you drive. At worst, you’ll try to explain to the officer why you think a golf cart is just a toy. (Looks like the punishment is the same as a car, Cowen. Hope you have a spare $15,000.)

2 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you have to wave to everyone you pass. If you do, at best, you’ll be taken as an idiot. At worst, people will think you are a politician and will chase you off the beach. (Oh, you are, in fact, running for office, Creighton. I would move off the beach fast.)

1 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you have to display several flags. If you do, at best, folks will think you work for the circus. At worst, all that flapping in the wind will slow you down and make you lose your hearing. (You think that the “It’s five o’clock somewhere” flag is unique, don’t you, Cydney?)