Tuesday – Anything Possible – Kreative Kue #248 by Keith Channing

February 4, 2020February 3, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 40 Comments

In Keith’s words. “On to this week’s challenge: Using this photo (below) as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put it (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before 6pm next Sunday (if you aren’t sure what the time is where I live, this link will tell you). If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here.

Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries next Monday.”

The photo.

Kreative Kue #248

“I heard your phone, ding. Who is sending you a message?”

“OMG. It’s that boy I met on the bus yesterday.”

“What, boy. You never told us about a boy.”

“Well, I didn’t think it was necessary. You know how boys are. I didn’t expect to hear from him again.”

“How did he get your number?”

“We traded numbers.”

“My gosh, Aahana. Don’t you know how dangerous that is?”

“Oh, nonsense. It’s not like I gave him my home address.”

“Another ding.”

“Yes, he is sending me a picture. Oh, look.”

“Whoa. He is a handsome one, for sure. What is his name?”

“I don’t know. We didn’t trade names.”

“Well, ask him?”

“I can’t do that?”

“Why not?”

“It’s too personal. I should have asked when I was talking to him.”

“You give him your phone number, and you think asking his name is too personal?”

“Oh, wait. He is asking my name.”

“Ha.”

“Don’t ‘ha” me. That is a personal question. I don’t have to give him my name.”

“You now think he is too forward?”

“I do. I am going to ignore his texts. Look, he is now asking where I live?”

“Well, I would ignore that one for sure.”

“Here, I’ll take care of it and tell him I have no interest in him.”

“He sure is good looking.”

“So what. Probably raised in a barn. The nerve. Asking my name and where I live. Wait, he is sending me his address. Look at this.”

“Isn’t that the Prime minister’s address?”

“This might be his son.”

“Oh, Aahana. Did you send the text telling him you have no interest.”

“I did. Ours crossed. Oops. He just sent a sad emoji.”

“So tell him you didn’t mean it.”

“There is not a future anyway.”

“Why?”

“My dad voted against the prime minister and would never consent to a date.”

“You could tell him he’s a lawyer.”

“Even worse.”

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Spa Vacation

February 3, 2020February 9, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 75 Comments

Top Ten things not to do

Because of the Super Bowl getting in the way of my creative time, I am republishing a post from February 6th of 2017. I hope you enjoy.

***

The inspiration for this list came from looking at possible spa vacations and then deciding to pass after reviewing all the material. I hope you enjoy the list and for those who love spa vacations, I am very envious since you obviously have a good feeling about yourself.

Ten Things Not to Do on a Spa Vacation.

10 On a spa vacation, do not sign up for anything you don’t understand. If you do, at best you will learn what you don’t like at a high cost. At worst, those funny words turn out to mean “tortured until you confess.” (Sad thing is you don’t know what to admit huh, Bunky?)

9 On a spa vacation, do not fall asleep in the sauna. If you do, at best you will wake up before dehydration sets in. At worst, your dreams of lost in the desert will, in fact, be a reality and that oasis is a mirage. ( Being a conscript in the French Foreign Legion wasn’t on the itinerary was it, Buford?)

8 On a spa vacation, do not think the phrase “essential oils” really means not optional. If you do, at best you’ll experience a new meaning to the term, “greasy.” At worst, you cannot find a place to sit, lie, or stand where you don’t slide off and end up on the floor or ground. (So everyone thinks you are drunk huh, Bosco. You shouldn’t care until CNN shows up)

7 On a spa vacation, do not think the robes are gifts of the hotel. If you do, at best you’ll pay the $75.00 each charge without complaint. At worst, the head of security will be called over the loudspeaker to look through your bags at checkout since housekeeping reported the robes missing.(Right now Tiny the WWF champ is walking across the lobby, and the look on his face gives you the chills. You sense he has been looking forward to this all day don’t you, Buster? Can you say strip search?)

6 On a spa vacation, do not sign up for the mud baths if you are unsure of the source of the dirt. If you do, at best you will imagine all kinds of things in that mud with you. At worst, once you realize that Bayou Baths is a combination of river mud, crawfish droppings, and decayed vegetation you’ll never feel clean again regardless of the number of showers you take. (The brochure said “all-natural” so what’s the complaint, Furd? Sure you got a little in your mouth, but you’ve had worse.”)

5 On a spa vacation, do not think massage words are the same as outside life words. If you do, at best you were careful in describing the service you were expecting. At worst, the light-hearted comments about deep massage will have you begging to be saved. (Let’s not even mention how you mumbled aloud something about the ending, Tex.)

4 On a spa vacation, do not try to influence the music choice of the staff. If you do, at best you will be ignored. At worst, the esoteric music that you thought was annoying has now been replaced by heavy metal favorites played on a flute, harp, and oboe. (Makes the nails on the chalkboard analogy seem inadequate huh, Rube?)

3 On a spa vacation, do not ignore the hot stone warnings. If you do at best aloe vera will ease the pain. At worst, you will now be mistaken for an Olympic athlete who had undergone suction treatments. ( Of course, you could also be mistaken for an idiot who doesn’t pay attention to warnings, Stu. I Love that line of circles down your back.)

2 On a spa vacation, do not think a seaweed wrap is a luncheon menu item. If you do, at best your cries for rescue will be ignored. At worst, as you struggle to free yourself from the grip of the slimy seaweed you inadvertently roll into the hot tub. ( Now maybe the stuff will cook off huh, Buddy? Can you say Miso soup?)

1 On a spa vacation, do not think you can request your favorite food. If you do, at best you will get zucchini prepared like your favorite food. At worst, the staff will believe you need a “cleanse interdiction,” and you will spend the rest of your holiday fearing to be more than ten steps from a ceramic chair. (Man, that juice tasted so good going down didn’t it, Bubba? Do you think they put jalapeno peppers in there?)

Stream of Consciousness Saturday- Prompt – “Choices”

February 1, 2020January 31, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 57 Comments

It is Stream of Consciousness Saturday time again, and this week’s prompt is “choices.” Not just any choices mind you. Let’s let Linda Hill explain in her words.

“Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “choices.” Base your post on the subject of making small, uneventful choices. Enjoy!”

If you would like to have the same kind of fun, go to Linda’s blog, grab a big cocktail, and read how easy it is. Here is the link.

https://lindaghill.com/2020/01/31/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-feb-1-2020/

“A little bit of this or a little bit of that.”

“What are you doing?”

“I have some small, uneventful choices to make.”

“Linda Hill, right?”

“Yeah, but look at this.”

“Okay. What am I looking at here?”

“I’m trying to decide between Raisin Bran Crunch or Cheerios.”

“For breakfast?”

“No, that would be too eventful. I mean, a big bowl of either is a meal. That’s an event. Not in the rules.”

“Rules? What rules?”

“Linda’s rules.”

“Let me shut my mouth then. What do you need me to do?”

“See this little crumb?”

“Yes, I see it. I think.”

“Uneventful, right?”

“I would say so.”

“Okay, look at this crumb.”

“Yes. Looks like the other one.”

“Au contraire mon frère.”

“Dale will love you. So, what is it.”

“Like I said, I need to make an uneventful choice. This crumb is a Raisin Bran Crunch crumb, and this is a Cheerios crumb.”

“Can we get to the end of this before I need eye surgery? So what are you doing with these crumbs?”

“You know how I love to feed the birds.”

“I suppose. I have always had a mild concern about your motivation with that?”

“Oh, come on. I love birds.”

“So what about these crumbs?”

“I need to make a change in bird food.”

“I’m waiting for the punch line.”

“I thought I would put one of these crumbs on the feeder.”

“Are you kidding me? The birds won’t even see them, and you’ll base your bird food selection on a dubious experiment?”

“No. The bird food decision is a big one. This crumb decision has nothing to do with that.”

“THEN WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PUTTING IT ON THE FEEDER FOR?”

“Geez. Calm down. As I said, the rules say uneventful choice. This is about as uneventful as I can make it. The birds won’t see it, and even if they do, it will have nothing to do with my choice of bird food.”

“I think I need to take a nap.”

“That is pretty eventful.”

“Bite me.”

“Another event for history.”

Cover reveal and Pre-Order for The Reckoning Squad by Susanne Burke

January 27, 2020January 26, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 68 Comments

I am pleased to be part of the announcement and cover reveal for Suzanne Burke’s latest thriller. The regular Top Ten feature will be back next week.

I was fortunate to be part of the beta reader team for The Reckoning Squad and can say this is another great example of Suzanne’s talent for writing thrillers. Here is Soooze to fill you in.

Hello, and welcome to the Cover Reveal of my New Psychological Thriller.

“The Reckoning Squad.”

The Reckoning Squad

By

S. Burke

Available to Pre-Order NOW.
Release Date: Monday FEBRUARY 24th, 2020.
Mystery>Psychological Thriller & Suspense >

It is such an exciting time for an author when releasing a new book! I would be remiss in not sharing my heartfelt thanks to the marvelous people who gave of their time so readily to beta read my latest book. Their valuable insights helped me enormously when crafting “The Reckoning Squad.”

At long last, I’m able to share the cover and blurb for “The Reckoning Squad,” my latest Psychological Thriller.

“The Reckoning Squad ” is due for release on Monday, February 24th, 2020.

It is NOW available for Pre-Order.

I have many good friends sharing this cover across the blogosphere today and tomorrow, so you’re likely to see it pop up in various places. Thank you to everyone participating in my cover reveal splash, and to everyone dropping by to share in my excitement. Here’s my new baby . . .

With much gratitude to Eeva Lancaster at The Book Khaleesi for the cover creation.

Cover Created by Eeva Lancaster at The Book Khaleesi

Presenting “The Reckoning Squad” A Psychological thriller.

“The Reckoning Squad“

THE RECKONING SQUAD HIGH RES IMAGE of BOOKCOVER

BLURB:

The Reckoning Squad was the new name being whispered in the darkened corridors of the powerful in Washington. The name was whispered with awe, and the whispers grew louder.

Twenty people had been carefully vetted and recruited to undergo specialized training. Training engineered to break them utterly, intended to shatter everything they once believed themselves capable of surviving. Only the best of them made it through the twelve weeks of hell. They now formed a cohesive black-ops unit, known as The Reckoning Squad.

Their facility is breached, and the team’s numbers are decimated. The survivors know that they’re in a fight for their lives. They have been betrayed from within. Trust has now become a rare commodity. They want answers.

The betrayers don’t understand just what they’ve unleashed.

But they are about to find out.

The Reckoning Squad are coming, and they have just rewritten the rules.

Here’s an extract from the Prologue.

Prologue.

New York: November 8^th, 2003.

Chastity Adams checked the time, ran a brush through her long blonde curls and hurriedly grabbed her school books. She shoved them into her backpack and slipped on her gloves. One quick look from her bedroom window was enough to tell her just how windy it was outside. The last of the fall leaves still clung bravely to the branches, all the while knowing it was futile. The others swirled in small angry spirals across her backyard. She grabbed her coat, pulled on a beanie, and loosely draped a scarf across her shoulders. Chastity was unaware of how pretty she looked with her long curls falling in a soft curtain around her. Her mind was too busy to cloud it with vanity.

She suddenly recalled a decision she’d made yesterday.

Chastity hurried down the hallway to her brother Nathan’s room and knocked on the door.

Nathan stood looking down at her from his 6ft 3ins, rubbing his eyes and leaning on the wall. “What’s up, squirt?”

Chastity ignored the nickname, she’d be thirteen in a couple of days then she’d ask her big brother to quit using it, “I was just wondering if you had some gloves and maybe a beanie or scarf you don’t ever wear.”

“Why would you need them?”

Chastity flushed a deep shade of pink, “There’s this boy at school, he kinda always looks cold. He’s still wearing the same stuff he was wearing back in June. It’s way too cold now for shorts and a tee-shirt. So, I figured maybe his folks just didn’t have enough money to buy him some warmer stuff, you know? I mean he could have one of mine, but he already gets picked on enough and adding bright girl colored stuff would just make it worse.”

“You off on another one of your missions to save the world, squirt?”

“I’m not! But it just doesn’t seem right that some folks have too much, and some folks never have enough. That’s all.”

Her brother looked at her closely and nodded. “Okay. I guess I have some stuff I don’t really need.”

His sister flung her arms around him. “You are the best brother ever! You wouldn’t maybe have an old hoodie as well?”

Nathan knew he’d lose an argument with his kid sister. He had never been able to deny her anything. And the little minx knew it.

His eyes followed her as she left the room with her donated bootie. He tried to shrug off the thought that his friends may start looking at his kid sister a little differently, and soon.

Then he grinned and was comforted by the knowledge that the squirt was capable of laying them out flat on the ground, courtesy of the karate lessons she’d undertaken since the age of five. If she didn’t dissuade them, they’d have to come through him. That wasn’t about to happen. This whole big brother thing had suddenly altered in a way he hadn’t anticipated happening quite so soon.

***

Travis Wilson shivered as he stepped outside and hurriedly locked the front door behind him. The baggy shorts and tee-shirt he was wearing gave him no armor to fight off the cold November wind. He steeled himself to brace it, picked up his violin case and hurried to catch the school bus.

He climbed on and made his way quickly down to the back corner and grabbed the window seat. He spoke to no one and kept his eyes averted, but he couldn’t shut his ears off from hearing the nasty comments from the other kids that sat nearest to him. “You going away to a beach somewhere, freak? Don’t much like your choice of swimwear.”

The guy had secured himself a good laugh with that one.

Then the other comments started. Kids seemed to grow braver when they formed a pack. Travis knew they weren’t all cruel, not normally, but the need they had to belong trashed all over their distaste at what they were doing. Driven by the desire to be considered popular inspired them to be as cruel as they could be. Their words lacerated his already damaged soul and Travis felt his face darken with the shame of it. He didn’t respond either by word or action, knowing they’d soon become bored with their bullying of him, and move their spiteful tongues on to some other kid they deemed to be weak and an easy target.

He looked out the window and sighed with relief when he spotted Chastity Adams and her best friends readying to climb onboard at the bus stop. Chastity was different from the rest of them. He always felt a little better about his day when she’d seek him out and give him a smile. He looked across at her then, just as she turned. He knew she had caught the wistful look on his face. She simply smiled across at him and turned back to her chattering best friends.

He caught the smile and burned it into his memory. He would remember it when the darkness descended again. It would help keep him warm.

***

Purchase The Reckoning Squad on Amazon.com

Again my grateful thanks to the generous folks sharing my Cover reveal with you today.

I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

Suzanne Burke Amazon Author Page

On TWITTER.

My Blog

Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt “Last Call.”

January 25, 2020January 24, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 52 Comments

It is Stream of Consciousness Saturday time again, and this week’s prompt needs an expert to describe. So let’s drag Linda Hill from her warm cozy house and ask her to explain.

“Fine, John. You could have at least allowed me to get my coat, but never mind. Here it is. Your prompt for #JusJoJan and Stream of Consciousness Saturday is: “last call.” Talk about the enterprise (sales or service) conducted by the last phone call you received from a business you’re not associated with (i.e. your workplace), or talk about that phone conversation itself. Have fun!”

Thank you, Linda. If you would like to participate, visit Linda’s blog. Here take this coat with you. The link is.

The Friday Reminder for #SoCS & #JusJoJan 2020 Daily Prompt – Jan. 25th

“Why so glum chum?”

“I just got off the phone with the doctor.”

“Oh my goodness, what’s wrong?”

“No, nothing’s wrong.”

“Then why the long face?”

“I was given a clean bill of health.”

“And that bothers you, why?”

“No, it’s not that.”

“Do I need to pound the reason out of you?”

“Okay, here’s the scoop. My prompt this week is ‘last call.'”

“The fact that your whole life revolves around that prompt kills me. Go on.”

“According to the rules, I have to take the last call I received and talk about it.”

“Yeah, so?”

“A friggen’ doctor’s office call? Whats to talk about?”

“Describe the visit.”

“Hell no. Not a soul would care. Besides, there are laws protecting my medical privacy.”

“Not if you spill the beans.”

“You keep using ‘spill the beans’ in these posts. Why?”

“Don’t change the subject. What is the problem.”

“I had planned to talk about something more exciting.”

“Like what?”

“Like the new Porsche 911 Carrera Cabriolet.”

“Yeah, that’s exciting all right. What made you think you were going to get a phone call about a Porsche? Those things start at $110,000. That may be without wheels and steering wheel too.”

“I had it all planned. I phoned the dealer and asked to speak to someone and then pretended I had to go and asked them to call me back.”

“No call, I take it.”

“No., Just the doctor.”

“The dealer probably heard of you.”

“What do you mean?”

“They ran a credit check, and your score was so low, Experian was going to bill them for the report.”

“Very funny.”

“So talk about your doctor’s visit. Start with the part where you had to take off your pants.”

“I did not have to take off my pants. Just my shirt.”

“Okay, I’ve heard enough. I need something to kill the image.”

“A loaded gun?”

“Good one. Maybe a six-pack will do it”

“Make it two.”

“Done.”

Friday JohnKu – AKA – TGIF – Sunshine Blogger Award

January 24, 2020January 23, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 63 Comments

Sunshine Blogger Award

I was very honored this week to receive the Sunshine Blogger award from three terrific bloggers.

Mark Bierman

Ron Yates

Gwen Plano

I don’t usually do awards, but I was so touched that these three would ~~gang up on me~~ separately nominate me for an award that has anything at all to do with sunshine. Well, yes, I’m an outgoing, happy person, but sunshine? For example, I was called a curmudgeon, recently, and it wasn’t by the internalist doing my colonoscopy either.

So the rules are:

Thank the blogger(s) who nominated you and link back to their blog.
Answer 11 questions the blogger asked you.
List the rules and display the Sunshine Blogger Award in your blog post.
Nominate 11 new bloggers & their blogs. Leave a comment on their blog to let them know they received the award and ask your nominees 11 new questions.

Whew. That means 33 questions to answer and 33 to write.

Let me thank each who nominated me and link back to their blog.

Thank you, Mark, Ron, and Gwen. If you haven’t visited them before now, you should. They all have a lot to say and do it very well.

Rather than answer separate questions, let me make a summary statement that will cover a number of them.

I started blogging in March of 2012 and have been doing it every day since. So this year marks my eighth and so far I have over 300,000 views and over 90,000 comments.

My blogging philosophy is to present content that folks want to read. I like humor and prompts. Most of my posts could be considered on the fluffy end of the spectrum. I do this on purpose. Maybe someday I’ll get around to an “author” blog where I can write about writing. Right now, I would prefer to just write and leave the teaching to others.

I am a dyed in the wool panster, and many times on my blog, I have no idea what I’m going to write until the first word. In my novels, I lay out the last three sentences of the book and work to reach them. I’ve done this for six books now, and it seems to work for me.

I get my ideas from living every day. Most of what I write is made up. I do have some philosophical beliefs that wind their way into my stories, but they are rare.

The writing system I use is to keep at it until I have written at least 1000 words. Since I write every day, that is my daily goal in just my novels.

My advice to new writers is to write every day, no matter how much or how little. Grammarly tells me they have checked 10M words since I started. I’m still learning. I do intend to keep writing until they pry the keyboard from my cold fingers.

Thank you again, Mark, Ron, and Gwen. I’m honored that you thought of me.

Today’s JohnKu talks about peer recognition. I hope you have a great weekend.

You never expect,

The day would come, then it does . . .

A nod from your peers.

Thursday – A Little Personal – Lucy and Twiggy Face the Rain

January 23, 2020January 22, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 88 Comments

Lucy and Twiggy

“Okay, Ladies. Time to go out.”

“It’s raining out there.”

Lucy and Twiggy

“I just hate the rain, Lucy.”

“I know how you feel. The boss is not moving, though.”

“Which way you going?”

“Not sure, Little One. The rain seems to be coming down everywhere.”

“Oh, this is great. We have a wind chill of 44 degrees, and the door is closed.”

“Give it a whine and cry, Twiggy. That always works.”

“Here comes dad, Lucy.”

“I’ll put on my sad face. Maybe it’ll hurry him up.”

“Hey, Little One. This towel is for me.”

“You can share. I’m freezing.”

“So now you want to play with Flamingo?”

“What better way to warm up?”

“Hey, boss. Any chance for a treat? We survived the rain of 2020.”

“That’s pretty funny, Lucy. Who is going to straighten the mess you two made?”

“If you mean the mussed up couch cover, pillow on the floor, clownfish, Benny bones, and Flamingo strewn about, that’s all Twiggy.”

“I see a spec of dirt here, Lucy. That’s on you.”

Tuesday – Anything Possible – Kreative Kue #246 by Keith Channing

January 21, 2020January 20, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 48 Comments

In Keith’s words.

“Using this photo (below) as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put it (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before 6 pm next Sunday (if you aren’t sure what the time is where I live, this link will tell you). If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here.

Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries next Monday.”

The Photo.

Kreative Kue #246

“What are you doing up there?”

“I can’t seem to find anything.”

“What is the problem.”

“I have mislaid my bouncy ball.”

“Well, I don’t think you’re going to find it u there.”

“It could have bounced onto this shelf.”

“With the ladder in the way, I hardly think so.”

“It is possible.”

“Okay, I’ll admit the possibility is there I just doubt the feasibility.”

“You have a lot of bility. How about you giving me an idea of where the ball went.”

“Let me ask. Who was the last one playing with the ball?”

“Er. That would be me.”

“Okay, where were you playing with the ball?”

“In the yard, I think.”

“So, what makes you think it is on that shelf?”

“A hunch.”

“And you decided to follow your hunch?”

“Yes, that’s it. I followed my hunch.”

“The fact that a bag of treats is on that shelf has no relevance, huh?”

“T-treats. I don’t see no stinking treats.”

“Come down from there. Let me smell your breath.”

“Smsnbrrtlrthe brth.”

“Open your mouth.”

“Mmmbftth.”

“For heaven’s sake. You have a mouthful of treats.”

“Dgtjoegbthh.”

“Drop them.”

“Fine.”

“What do you have to say for yourself?”

“I’m a victim.”

“A victim? What are you talking about.”

“Dog abuse.”

“Come again?”

“The placement of the ladder was without regard to my natural instincts to hunt down the treats. Hello ASPCA.”

“I’ll ASPCA you. Bad dog.”

“Abusive language. I think I have PTSD.”

“Have a treat.”

“Bribery. Class D misdemeanor.”

“You’ve been watching too many cop shows. Go to your bed.”

“Solitary confinement. Against the Geneva convention.”

“So, sue me.”

“First how about a game of catch?”

“Where’s the ball?”

“In the yard where it’s been all along.”

Wednesday Story Day – AKA – Hump Day

January 15, 2020January 14, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 47 Comments

Twiggy and Lucy — “What is it Little One.”
“Thought I heard Friday.”
“Nope. Just Wednesday sneaking in.”

It is Wednesday Story Day again, and last week, we were in Jerry’s apartment when all hell broke loose. Someone is outside in the hall shooting at the door. Larry, Andrew, and Jerry move to the back bedroom of the apartment, and Larry lays prone on the floor with a bead on the entrance. Let’s get back there. Since it looks like whoever is out in the hall has decided to come inside.

“Okay, Andrew and Jerry. Stay low.”
“I can’t get much lower, Larry. My buttons are in the way.”
“No time for the jokes right now, Andrew. This is serious shit, and those guys are coming in. What’s left of the door is moving.”
“You three in there. We don’t want to kill you. Just to talk. Throw out your weapons.”
“Not on my life, whoever you are. You want us? Come get us.”
“Don’t be stupid. We have enough firepower to level this place. Lay down your weapons.”
“Are you a history fan?”
“Huh? What do you mean?”
“General McAuliffe was asked by the Germans who had him surrounded to surrender at Bastogne. You know what he said in reply?”
“You are a strange duck, detective. I give. What did he say?”
“Nuts.”
“Nuts?”
“Yup. So I say nuts. Lay down your weapons and put your hands on your heads.”
“You must be joking. We have you outnumbered and there is no escape.”
“The way I see it. I can shoot anywhere and not miss. Y’all make a lot of good targets. You want to make my day or what?”
“Yeah, okay, Dirty Harry. I hear some sirens, so I am going to leave you now. I must say you sure are a wiseacre for a cop.”
“You still have the opportunity to give up.”
“Bite me, Detective.”
“Rather, shoot you.”
“Not today. See ya.”
“We are going to find you, and when we do, you’ll be sorry.”
“I think they are gone, Larry.”
“I was just getting warmed up.”
“Do you know who those guys were?”
“I have no idea. I wonder who called the cops.”
“That would be me. sir.”
“Jerry? Good thinking, man.”
“I was scared.”
“Yeah, we all were scared.”
“You didn’t act scared.”
“Just an act, my boy. Just an act.”

Top Ten Things Not to Do on the Day Prohibition Goes Into Effect in 1920

January 13, 2020January 12, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 68 Comments

Top Ten Things not to do

This week marks the anniversary of the ratification of the 18th amendment prohibiting the sale or consumption of alcohol in 1920. For most of us, this might not be a trip we want to make, but for historical reasons, we should. Take this list with you so that problems are kept to a minimum.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on the Day Prohibition Goes into Effect in 1920.

10 On that day, do not ask your server for a before-dinner martini. If you do, at best, they may remind you that alcohol is no longer allowed. At worst, you’ll get some variation of bathtub gin. (Along with the homemade gin, Jago, you’ll also get a visit from some guys that look like Elliot Ness. Yes, those are handcuffs. Enjoy your martini.)

9 On that day, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ if he can find you a pint of whiskey to ward off the cold. If you do, at best, Tiny will bring you some cough syrup. At worst, Tiny just finished the lawman’s course on the ramifications of the 18th amendment. (You are in luck, Jahmar. Tiny has decided not to arrest you but rather to give you his famous helicopter overhead spin and body slam. It is guaranteed to make you incapable of drinking anything, let alone illegal booze.)

8 On that day, do not knock on the green door. If you do, at best it will be a flower shop. At worst, it is a speakeasy run by Bugsy Malone. (So you don’t know the password, Jai. Just tell em Joe sent you. Hmmm, wrong Joe? Yes, that is a gun. I think it is time to leave now.)

7 On that day, do not ask a prohibitionist for a sip of Old Dr. Kaufmann’s Great Sulphur Bitters. If you do, at best, they will refuse. At worst, they’ll gladly give you a jolt. (Don’t be surprised if you feel funny, Jairo. That Elixer was made especially for prohibitionists and contains 22 percent alcohol. How do you suppose they continue to appear happy?)

6 On that day, do not discuss the Mayflower Pilgrim’s drinking habits with a prohibitionist. If you do, at best they will not know anything about the subject. At worst, the prohibitionist will think you are mocking the movement. (The Pilgrims brought more beer than water on their voyage to Plymouth rock in 1620, Jajaun. So you can see that since they were drinkers the prohibitionist might take offense.)

5 On the day, do not bring up the fact with prohibitionists that the participants in the Boston Tea party had fueled up with rum before the event. If you do, at best you’ll get polite smiles. At worst, you will have to sit through another lecture on the evils of demon rum. ( You see, Jakub. The prohibitionist will point to the rowdy nature of the Boston Tea party as the perfect example of the rightness of banning alcohol. Also, they are asking you to leave.)

4 On the day, do not bring up Benjamin Franklin’s ditty about drinking. If you do, at best they will think you are kidding. At worst, you might be engaged in a fistfight. (so here is the ditty, Jalil. That virtue and safety’s in wine-bibbing found. While all that drink water deserve to be drowned. No wonder they got so mad. So next time, understand what you are bringing up. Here take this steak and put it on your eye.)

3 On the day, do not talk with a guy named Capone about driving a boat. If you do, at best he’ll want to waterski. At worst, he’ll make you an offer you can’t refuse. (How does it feel, Jameson. You. are now running hooch between Winsor Canada and Detroit. Sure, you want to quit. Turning in your two-week notice might get you a new pair of cement overshoes.)

2 On the day, do not start a joke by “a guy walks into a bar.” If you do, at best, the person will walk away. At worst, you’ll be telling the joke to Carrie Nation. (To say Carrie has no sense of humor about drinking jokes is to say a lion has no interest in meat. You’ll find the head of the Woman’s Christian Temperance Union has about the same reaction to people telling drinking jokes as a lion to a gazelle. I know you think she missed you with that hatchet, Jamin. Just try to shake your head.)

1 On the day, do not grab your guitar and start singing “Whiskey River Don’t Run Dry.” If you do, at best, the room will empty. At worst, you and your guitar will hit the street. (Sad thing, Jamon your guitar hit the road first and you on top. I think that last note it made as you landed on it was an A-flat.)