The inspiration for this list came from looking at possible spa vacations and then deciding to pass after reviewing all the material. I hope you enjoy the list and for those who love spa vacations, I am very envious since you obviously have a good feeling about yourself.

Ten Things Not to Do on a Spa Vacation.

10 On a spa vacation, do not sign up for anything you don’t understand. If you do, at best you will learn what you don’t like at a high cost. At worst, those funny words turn out to mean “tortured until you confess.” (Sad thing is you don’t know what to admit huh, Bunky?)

9 On a spa vacation, do not fall asleep in the sauna. If you do, at best you will wake up before dehydration sets in. At worst, your dreams of lost in the desert will, in fact, be reality and that oasis is a mirage. ( Being a conscript in the French Foreign Legion wasn’t on the itinerary was it, Buford?)

8 On a spa vacation, do not think the phrase “essential oils” really means not optional. If you do, at best you’ll experience a new meaning to the term, “greasy.” At worst, you cannot find a place to sit, lie, or stand where you don’t slide off and end up on the floor or ground. (So everyone thinks you are drunk huh, Bosco. You shouldn’t care until CNN shows up)

7 On a spa vacation, do not think the robes are gifts of the hotel. If you do, at best you’ll pay the $75.00 each charge without complaint. At worst, the head of security will be called over the loudspeaker to look through your bags at checkout since housekeeping reported the robes missing.(Right now Tiny the WWF champ is walking across the lobby, and the look on his face gives you the chills. You sense he has been looking forward to this all day don’t you, Buster? Can you say strip search?)

6 On a spa vacation, do not sign up for the mud baths if you are unsure of the source of the dirt. If you do, at best you will imagine all kinds of things in that mud with you. At worst, once you realize that Bayou Baths is a combination of river mud, crawfish droppings, and decayed vegetation you’ll never feel clean again regardless of the number of showers you take. (The brochure said “all natural” so what’s the complaint, Furd? Sure you got a little in your mouth, but you’ve had worse.”)

5 On a spa vacation, do not think massage words are the same as outside life words. If you do, at best you were careful in describing the service you were expecting. At worst, the light-hearted comments about deep massage will have you begging to be saved.(Let’s not even mention how you mumbled aloud something about the ending, Tex.)

4 On a spa vacation, do not try to influence the music choice of the staff. If you do, at best you will be ignored. At worst, the esoteric music that you thought was annoying has now been replaced by heavy metal favorites played on a flute, harp, and oboe. (Makes the nails on the chalkboard analogy seem inadequate huh, Rube?)

3 On a spa vacation, do not ignore the hot stone warnings. If you do at best aloe vera will ease the pain. At worst, you will now be mistaken for an Olympic athlete who had undergone suction treatments. ( Of course, you could also be mistaken for an idiot who doesn’t pay attention to warnings, Stu. I Love that line of circles down your back.)

2 On a spa vacation, do not think a seaweed wrap is a luncheon menu item. If you do, at best your cries for rescue will be ignored. At worst, as you struggle to free yourself from the grip of the slimy seaweed you inadvertently roll into the hot tub. ( Now maybe the stuff will cook off huh, Buddy? Can you say Miso soup?)

1 On a spa vacation, do not think you can request your favorite food. If you do, at best you will get zucchini prepared like your favorite food. At worst, the staff will believe you need a “cleanse interdiction,” and you will spend the rest of your holiday fearing to be more than ten steps from a ceramic chair.(Man, that juice tasted so good going down didn’t it, Bubba? Do you think they put jalapeno peppers in there?)