Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Spa Vacation

Top Ten things not to do

The inspiration for this list came from looking at possible spa vacations and then deciding to pass after reviewing all the material. I hope you enjoy the list and for those who love spa vacations, I am very envious since you obviously have a good feeling about yourself.

Ten Things Not to Do on a Spa Vacation.

10 On a spa vacation, do not sign up for anything you don’t understand. If you do, at best you will learn what you don’t like at a high cost. At worst, those funny words turn out to mean “tortured until you confess.” (Sad thing is you don’t know what to admit huh, Bunky?)

9 On a spa vacation, do not fall asleep in the sauna. If you do, at best you will wake up before dehydration sets in. At worst, your dreams of lost in the desert will, in fact, be reality and that oasis is a mirage. ( Being a conscript in the French Foreign Legion wasn’t on the itinerary was it, Buford?)

8 On a spa vacation, do not think the phrase “essential oils” really means not optional. If you do, at best you’ll experience a new meaning to the term, “greasy.” At worst, you cannot find a place to sit, lie, or stand where you don’t slide off and end up on the floor or ground. (So everyone thinks you are drunk huh, Bosco. You shouldn’t care until CNN shows up)

7 On a spa vacation, do not think the robes are gifts of the hotel. If you do, at best you’ll pay the $75.00 each charge without complaint. At worst, the head of security will be called over the loudspeaker to look through your bags at checkout since housekeeping reported the robes missing.(Right now Tiny the WWF champ is walking across the lobby, and the look on his face gives you the chills. You sense he has been looking forward to this all day don’t you, Buster? Can you say strip search?)

6 On a spa vacation, do not sign up for the mud baths if you are unsure of the source of the dirt. If you do, at best you will imagine all kinds of things in that mud with you. At worst, once you realize that Bayou Baths is a combination of river mud, crawfish droppings, and decayed vegetation you’ll never feel clean again regardless of the number of showers you take. (The brochure said “all natural” so what’s the complaint, Furd? Sure you got a little in your mouth, but you’ve had worse.”)

5 On a spa vacation, do not think massage words are the same as outside life words. If you do, at best you were careful in describing the service you were expecting. At worst, the light-hearted comments about deep massage will have you begging to be saved.(Let’s not even mention how you mumbled aloud something about the ending, Tex.)

4 On a spa vacation, do not try to influence the music choice of the staff. If you do, at best you will be ignored. At worst, the esoteric music that you thought was annoying has now been replaced by heavy metal favorites played on a flute, harp, and oboe. (Makes the nails on the chalkboard analogy seem inadequate huh, Rube?)

3 On a spa vacation, do not ignore the hot stone warnings. If you do at best aloe vera will ease the pain. At worst, you will now be mistaken for an Olympic athlete who had undergone suction treatments. ( Of course, you could also be mistaken for an idiot who doesn’t pay attention to warnings, Stu. I Love that line of circles down your back.)

2 On a spa vacation, do not think a seaweed wrap is a luncheon menu item. If you do, at best your cries for rescue will be ignored. At worst, as you struggle to free yourself from the grip of the slimy seaweed you inadvertently roll into the hot tub. ( Now maybe the stuff will cook off huh, Buddy? Can you say Miso soup?)

1 On a spa vacation, do not think you can request your favorite food. If you do, at best you will get zucchini prepared like your favorite food. At worst, the staff will believe you need a “cleanse interdiction,” and you will spend the rest of your holiday fearing to be more than ten steps from a ceramic chair.(Man, that juice tasted so good going down didn’t it, Bubba? Do you think they put jalapeno peppers in there?)

53 comments

  1. Gwen Plano · ·

    A good massage is heavenly; the rest – well – I’m still laughing….:)

    1. I never had a massage so I’ll have to take your word. I have yet to go to a spa as well. 😀

  2. […] I’m borrowing names from John Howell […]

    1. Excellent. Thanks, Dan

  3. Finally, we have a category for which I am in no danger. Never had a spa treatment, and I doubt I ever will. unless I lose a bet with Tiny. I’ve always thought I imagined the worst. I think you’ve stretched that today, John. Nice job!

    1. Thanks, Dan. I just can’t see myself in a “pamped ” mode. 😀

  4. I laughed so hard at this. xD I’ve never been on a spa vacation, although I always wanted to go but wasn’t sure if it would actually be my view of a ‘vacation’. Guess not xD

    1. So true. Thank you for the visit and the comments. I love the sound of laughter. 😀

  5. Never realized how stressful a spa vacation can be. So many pitfalls. Kind of shuddering at the ‘essential oils’ and ‘greasiness’ thing. Icky.

    1. Yes. Don’t sit down there. You’ll never hold on.

  6. Hilarious, John. A person would be lucky to escape alive from some of those mistakes Especially dangerous would be a strip search by Tiny. especially on one of his bad days which seem to be all the time. 😀 — Suzanne

    1. He does doesn’t he. Reminds me of an old boss. Thanks, Suzanne. 😀

  7. Hehehe! *noted*

    I’d better put the seaweed wrap down… I thought it was edible 😳

    1. It is in another place. Thank you, Amanda.

  8. Ouch! This had me headed for the biscuit tin in record time! 😀

    1. Best place to go under these circumstances. 😀 Thanks, Jan

  9. Yay, your feed is back in my reader. Think I’ll avoid a spa vacation. Seaweed stew doesn’t sound all that good. The Thee Mile Island mud bath might be entertaining though.

    1. Ha ha ha. On the Three Mile. Glad to be back. Thanks for letting me know. 😀

  10. Love the massages – but can pass on all the rest.

    1. Yup. Never had a massage. Maybe some day. 🙂

  11. I love massages too – especially the hot oil and the hot stones massages. Loved the “essential oils” warning… not to worry about CNN showing up because they’re just “Fake News”! Just ask The Donald! Great list, John!

    1. Thanks, John. I have called CNN Communist News Network long before The Donald made his ridiculous statements. Never did like their slant on things. Now I’ll have to shut up so that folks won’t think I’m a Trump follower. 😀

      1. Well, if they start calling you The John… you’ll know!

      2. Yes. True. or The Hoser.

  12. I had an essential oils with salt scrub and wrapped in seaweed and placed under a heat lamp. I felt like the next thing was to be going on the lunch menu.

    1. Ha ha ha. I could see Susan Rolls being very popular. 😀

  13. Hilarious, John! That meme…LOL! I’m probably to only person who finds no appeal in a spa vacation. The thought of strangers rubbing me…I’d never relax. 🙂

    1. I’m with you, Jill. The thought gives me the willies. 😀

  14. That Tiny sure gets around, doesn’t he?! Never been on a spa vacation. Something tells me I might not like it, ha!

    1. Well if you like others telling you what to do….me not so much.

  15. I’m with you and Jill on the whole Spa vacation thing. Instead of relaxing I’d tense up…especially after reading your post, LOL!

    1. Ha ha ha. Me too! 😀

  16. John, this is one of your best lists ever. Now my Monday actually is marvelous! You got me giggling with “Being a conscript in the French Foreign Legion wasn’t on the itinerary was it, Buford?” But you slayed me with the mud baths. Fabulous, fabulous list. Mega hugs

    1. Thank you, Teagan. You just made my day. 🙂 Hugs

  17. Somehow I don’t feel endeared to try this form of holiday…most enjoyable/disturbing John…

    1. Plus it cost through the nose. Thanks, Michael.

  18. 😂​😂​😂​ I hope you had a great weekend, John! Thanks for the funny Monday morning post!

    1. I did have a lovely one. Thank you, Ipuna. I hope the same for you.

  19. So funny! Book the spa vacation and you two try one of everything. 🙂

    1. Eek. I would rather not. Thanks though

  20. Brilliant John.. loved the hot stones.. and also have experienced the oily nature of essential oils following an Indian head massage… a story for another day… xx

    1. Ha ha ha. Thank you, Sally.

  21. Not a fan of seaweed, no matter how it’s served up. And hey! Theeeeeeerrrrrreeeeee’ssssss Tiny!!

    1. Yes. He says hey!

      1. He’s the best. Please make sure he knows I said that. 🙂

  22. OMG. I fell off my chair. The perception is so good, it’s awful and so awful it’s terrific.–you know what I mean, right? Is air freshener free? o_O
    “…more than ten steps from a ceramic chair.”

    1. You get free air freshener. Problem is it is essence of sushi. 😀

  23. I had a deep tissue massage once. It was wonderful, and I felt loose and relaxed the rest of the day. The next morning I could barely move! I was sore and stiff for days. My normal stretching routine didn’t work out the kinks. The mud bath…not going there, a facial? I had one once. I stressed that I have sensitive skin and need light oils and the less used is best. I had zits for days afterwords. She said it was the cleaning process. No! Haven’t had a facial since and won’t.

    I don’t think I’m a Spa gal. 🙂

    1. Me either. Thanks, Deborah. Made me laugh.

  24. Wow…this got me all tensed about the whole spa thingy 😀

    1. For good reason. Thanks for the comment. 🙂

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