Tag: Top Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Playing Sports with Friends

~ John W. Howell ~ 62 Comments
Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay

This post was run on March 31, 2014, and created by Marie Ann Baily and me. I think it might still be good advice.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Bowling, Golfing, Playing Tennis, or Eight Ball with Friends

10 When playing sports with friends, do not laugh at a missed shot. If you do, at best, they may laugh at you in turn. At worst, you may be wearing an embedded racket, club, or bowling ball on your trip to the hospital.

9 When playing sports with friends, do not play doubles with your spouse as a partner. If you do, at best, you will have a small argument about the missed shot. At worst, you might just end up asking your friends for a marriage counselor recommendation before the game is over.

8 When playing sports with friends, do not try to adjust the score to make your team look better. If you do, at best, you will get caught and look foolish. At worst, you may just win as a result of cheating and will need to atone for your indiscretion someday.

7 When playing sports with friends, do not try to avoid paying your fair share of the expenses. If you do, at best, you will be eventually found out and will have to pay anyway. At worst, your friends will figure out a way to stick you with a bill when you least expect it, which will require a bank loan to cover.

6 When playing sports with friends, do not purposefully try to outspend them on equipment and clothing. If you do, at best, your play quality will need to match the price of your clothing and equipment. At worst, your friends will come to some conclusion about your self-esteem, which may or may not be accurate.

5 When playing sports with friends, do not drink too much alcohol, especially if you are playing mixed doubles. If you become over-served, at best, you may be the cause of the team’s loss. At worst, you may just lose all inhibitions and decide to tell your friends and spouse what you really think of their playing ability, which will make for a quiet ride home and a bad morning after.

4 When playing sports with friends, do not come up with the idea to put money on the game. If you do, at best, you will only win a few dollars. At worst, you may lose a few friends.

3 When playing sports with friends, do not set yourself up as the rule cop. If you do, at best, everyone will get tired of your reminders. At worst, you may find yourself gagged and tied up on the twelfth green with a note to the groundskeeper to let you go if you promise not to say anything more about the rules.

2 When playing sports with friends, do not be the one who decides which game to play. If you do, at best, you will be blamed if the events turn out badly. At worst, you might be forced into a role of peacekeeper since everyone will assume the thing went badly because you suggested it.

1 When playing sports with friends, try to remember that the purpose of the game is to have fun. If you don’t, at best, you will be miserable. At worst, all those around you will be miserable as well and may not want to play with you anymore.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Trying to Get Published

~ John W. Howell ~ 89 Comments
Photo by Paolo Chiabrando on Unsplash

 

This list was posted in October 2013 and authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since many people are trying to get published, it may be useful today.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Trying to Get Published

10 When trying to get published, do not send a query letter to a publisher with the opening phrase “You probably have never heard of me, but that will change.” The publisher will no doubt get a big laugh, and your query will get a direct pitch into the trash can with the words, “Want to bet,” on the publisher’s lips.

9 When trying to get published, do not use cute gimmicks in your query letter to get the publisher’s attention. They will not appreciate whatever you send along with the letter, and may charge you for the cleanup later. This includes: glitter hearts, artificial snow, two tickets to the Bruins hockey game, a six-pack of beer, sand from your beach story, or anything else not on paper.

8 When trying to get published, do not think a personal phone call to the publisher will make a difference. You will only risk sounding like an idiot, even though you have thoroughly rehearsed your pitch. If you happen to find someone to talk to, being able to locate your query letter to receive the feedback you need may put you on hold permanently.

7 When trying to get published, do not, under any circumstances, show up at the publisher’s place of business in person. The publisher will be extremely embarrassed since they will have no idea what to do with you. Your query might just be placed in your back pocket as you are shown the exit into the alley.

6 When trying to get published, do not tell the publisher in your query letter that this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for them. The only thing that may be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity is the one second it takes for the publisher to pitch your query into the wastebasket with the words, “I’ll take that chance.”

5 When trying to get published, do not try to build rapport with the publisher with words like, “If I were in your shoes, I would be looking for a talented writer and by golly, I just happen to know one.” The publisher will have a nice laugh at your expense and will probably use your query in the next seminar on How Not to Query. Of course, he will be paid an enormous fee, and you will get…well…nothing.

4 When trying to get published, do not send a query letter before you have your fiction manuscript finished. Unless you are Stephen King, there is no publisher in business today who will jump at the chance to publish your story if it is still in the concept stage. Describing in detail what might be will probably get you a response of what actually is happening, a flat “no.”

3 When trying to get published, do not assume you have only writing in mind. The publisher will want you to carry most of the marketing work on your shoulders. Your query letter should stay away from self-descriptive words and phrases like: artist, literary principles, clean hands, introvert, higher calling, too good for others, filthy capitalism, save trees activist, reclusive researcher, and only want to write.

2 When trying to get published, do not admit you are only in this for the money even if you are. There may be a time when the publisher contacts you in response to your query. This is not the time to start pressing the publisher for a compact timetable because you need the money. Like banks do not lend money to people who need it, publishers know there is little money for authors and will pass on you for another, more motivated by non-monetary reasons.

1 When trying to get published, do not give up. There are a million potential reasons to keep sending queries, and who knows, your manuscript just might be the next million-copy seller.

Eternal Road – The final stop is on sale beginning today until July 14th. Here is the link. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08GL135KQ

The first book in the Eternal Road series has James and Sam battling Lucifer to save mankind.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Corporate Team Building Event

~ John W. Howell ~ 83 Comments

 

This post was published on October 20, 2014. Since corporation are still holding these events it might be useful.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Corporate Team Building Event

10 If your company is having a team building event, do not think your team relationships will last. If you do, at best, you will be seen as weak and someone to avoid. At worst, the next promotion will go to your new friend who explained to the boss how needy you are.

9 If your company has a team building event, do not fall for the old trust building exercise. If you do, at best, your trust will not be reciprocated. At worst, you will place your trust in someone who in the end wants to see you dead.

8 If your company has a team building event, do not get paired with the boss. If you do, at best, you will get low grades for being too subservient. At worst, your boss will think you are not made of the stuff originally thought and will introduce you to the meaning of the phrase persona non grata.

7 If your company has a team building event, do not believe the idea is to have fun. If you do, at best, you will be the only one. At worst, the note taker will immediately label you as someone who does not take work seriously.

6 If your company has a team building event, do not believe the wearing apparel instructions. If you do, at best, you and the company psychologist will be the only ones dressed in jeans and sweatshirt. At worst, the biggest boss on the planet will drop by the exercise to see how it is going and will inquire of your boss, “who’s the other psychologist?”

5 If your company has a team building event, do not try to be the best player in the skill competition. If you are, at best, your boss will believe you have too much time on your hands. At worst, your boss will appoint you as team leader for the next team building event.

4 If your company has a team building event, do not think the free food and drinks are on an all you can eat buffet. If you do, at best, you will be seen as someone who is obviously lacking self-control. At worst, your boss will wonder if you always take advantage of the company expense account and inform finance to conduct an audit of your expenses.

3 If your company has a team building event, do not think the truth hour is for telling the truth. If you do, at best, you and the company psychologist will become simpatico. At worst, your boss will be counting the moments until you and they will be alone so that the longer term franchise you were counting on can be terminated.

2 If your company has a team building event, do not try to bring any new ideas during creative hour. If you do, at best, your peers will poke enough holes in your idea to kill it. At worst, thinking outside the box will only convince your boss that perhaps your belongings should be in a similar container and both of you escorted out by security.

1 If your company has a team building event do not sing along when the psychologist puts the Queen CD in the player and “We Are the Champions”starts playing. If you do, at best, your co-workers will think you are a throwback to the 80s. At worst, your boss loves “We Are the Champions” and your off note singing is making the neck hair stand up which will be a reminder to ask HR to have you transferred to Guam before the next team building event.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Have Allergies

~ John W. Howell ~ 66 Comments
Photo by Allef Vinicius on Unsplash

 

This post was published on May 12, 2014, and co-authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since allergies don’t seem to go away, I hope you find it useful.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Have Allergies

10 When you have allergies, do not offer to house sit for friends with animals. If you do, the best that will happen is that your sneezing will cause the animals to hide from you. At worst, you may find yourself in the ER on a respirator, trying to remember if you left the front door open.

9 When you have allergies, do not accept an offer to go for a nice ride in the country. If you do, at best, your nice ride will turn into a sneezing nightmare. At worst, your companion will leave you beside the road with your address written on a note pinned to your shirt.

8 When you have allergies, do not eat anything out unless you know the ingredients. If you do, at best, you may have to go home early to get some medicine. At worst, you might cause those around you concern as you begin to swell and turn purple as a reaction.

7 When you have allergies, do not volunteer to drive the hay wagon at the school fundraiser. If you do, at best, you will be the source of too many “bless you’s.” At worst, your sneezing will cause the horses to spook, allowing for a runaway wagon and terrified children and adults.

6 When you have allergies, do not leave home without a spare handkerchief or tissues. If you do, at best, you will need to use anything at hand to cover a sneezing fit. At worst, there will be nothing at hand, and you will cause everyone near you to run away in fear since they will assume you have the bubonic plague.

5 When you have allergies, do not think those who do not have allergies will understand your symptoms. If you do, at best, you may get some concerned looks when the sneezing hits. At worst, you might be trying to explain to the EMS team called by a well-meaning person that you are having an allergy attack.

4 When you have allergies, do not leave your medicine at home even for a short time. If you do, at best, you will get by without any symptoms. At worst, you will find yourself curled in the fetal position, praying to be spared another sneezing attack.

3. When you have allergies, do not think you can go on a picnic in the woods. If you do, at best, you will survive with only sneezing bouts. At worst, you will be stung by some strange insect and find you are slowly losing the ability to raise your arms to get your EPI-Pen.

2. When you have allergies, do not offer to deliver flowers on special holidays, no matter how heavily medicated you are. If you do, at best, you could have a reaction to an unknown flower. At worst, you could deliver only the stems after your sneezing caused all the blooms to fly off the bouquet.

1. When you have allergies and are heavily medicated, do not operate heavy machinery. If you do, at best, you may injure yourself. At worst, you may just take down one wall too many and have a boss who expects you to pay for the damage.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Spending Time at the DMV

~ John W. Howell ~ 86 Comments

 

This post ran in 2014 and my last visit to the DMV validated that the information is still useful. My thanks to Marie Ann Bailey who co-authored this post back then.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Spending Time in the DMV

10 When spending time in the DMV, do not show any sign of impatience. If you do, at best, the clerks will slow service just to see you sweat. At worst, you will need a defibrillator to restart your heart after you go apoplectic from missing your turn because you forgot to take a number.

9 When spending time in the DMV, make sure all your paperwork is complete before your number is called. If you don’t, at best, the clerks will have a good laugh sending you back to the end of the queue. At worst, you will be tempted to say something like “Really?” in a heavily sarcastic voice which will result in you being banned from the DMV for the day.

8 When spending time in the DMV, make certain you do not leave the room until your number is called. If you do, at best, your number will be called the second you leave and you’ll rush back in time. At worst, your number will be called and then the next person served. You will need to wait until your number comes up again in a week.

7 When spending time in the DMV, be careful on what and how much you drink. If you don’t, at best, you will experience number eight while visiting the restroom. At worst, you will try to gut it out and the clerks will be able to tell you are in a dire situation and prolong your agony along the lines of number ten.

6 When spending time in the DMV, do not arrive during the hours of eleven and two. If you do, at best, you will be subject to the lunch hour slowdown and have a longer wait. At worst, you will be caught in a never-ending situation with only one clerk at a time working while the rest go out for drinks and to celebrate the hundredth slow down heart attack of the month.

5 When spending time in the DMV, make sure you bring something to read other than your phone, kindle or tablet. If you don’t, at best, you will be forced to ask your neighbor for something to read since the DMV is a digital dead zone. At worst, you will be forced to watch the slowly moving clerks for hours on end who appear to be sharing the same “look at this” joke and working two and three together on one problem.

4 When spending time in the DMV, do not make eye contact with any humans in the room. If you do, at best, you will be asked to help with someone’s paperwork. At worst, you’ll have to hear some sad story of why this person needs to get back to work to support the sick family and a request to trade places which you will find hard to turn down.

3 When spending time in the DMV, do not talk to any human beings in the room. If you do, at best, you will need to endure the endless complaining on the slowness of the system. At worst, you may find yourself in the company of someone who is getting ready to crack under the DMV waiting pressure.

2 When spending time in the DMV, do not dress in your finest. If you do, at best, you will be subject to endless requests for “just a dollar so I can get my license.” At worst, you might be asked to hand over all your money by a serious looking gent who swears he has a gun in his pocket.

1 When spending time in the DMV, do not attempt to numb your pain with any kind of substance, controlled or otherwise. If you do, at best, you might fall asleep and miss the call of your number. At worst, you might end up on the six and eleven o’clock news leading a riot in the DMV which seemed like a good idea at the time you were leading it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Traveling With a Cat

~ John W. Howell ~ 75 Comments

 

This post was published in December 2013 by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since summer travel time is upon us, maybe there will be some helpful hints here.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Traveling With a Cat

10 When traveling with a cat by car, do not assume that your cat will not get car sick.  Take it for a short spin first.  Usually, five minutes is long enough to determine if you will need to pull over to the side of the road and empty the pet carrier of the results of a double-end evacuation response while keeping kitty contained in the car.

9 When traveling with a cat by car, do not assume that because your cat sleeps all day, it will also sleep through a two-day trip up the coast.  At best, your cat will keep a running commentary in cat-speak, attempting to convince you to provide a release from the confining pet carrier.  At worst, your cat will scream like a banshee, and you’ll end up with hearing loss as a lasting souvenir of the trip.

8 When traveling with a cat by car, and your cat is behaving in the worst-case scenario of #9, do not let your cat out of the pet carrier, thinking it just needs a little room to stretch out.  At best, your cat will simply continue to howl, but now with the added advantage of doing so directly into your ear.  At worst, your cat will nose-dive to the floor on the driver’s side, and you will narrowly miss a few or more accidents as you keep stepping on your cat while feeling for the brake.

7 When traveling with a cat by train, do not try to sneak your cat on board a train that you know is non-pet-friendly.  Just because you’ve trained your cat to lie across your shoulders like an overfed mink stole, doesn’t mean that the conductor will be fooled.  One growl from Fluffy might be enough to find yourself and your cat dropped off at the next station, if you’re lucky.  If you’re not lucky, you’ll be charged with animal abuse, and Fluffy will have the satisfaction of seeing you take the perp walk off the train.

6 When traveling with a cat by train, do not think that your fellow travelers will find your cat’s antics as amusing as you do.  Hiding under your seat and swiping at every foot that passes by within an inch of Smoky’s nose is, at best, annoying to passengers trying to walk the aisle unmolested.  At worst, you will have forgotten to clip Smoky’s claws, and so those needle-sharp claws will snag on every sock or exposed skin that passes by.

5 When traveling with a cat by train, do not think it is okay to allow your cat to use the seat upholstery as a scratching post.  At best, the conductor’ll simply admonish you to put Tigger back in his pet carrier (providing that you are not guilty of #7).  At worst, you will be made to take a pair of scissors, a needle, and thread and attempt to repair the damage done by Tigger (and he will watch you the whole time with great satisfaction).

4 When traveling with a cat by plane, do not think that once the seatbelt sign has been turned off that you can let Kitty out of the pet carrier stowed under the seat in front of you.  While you may think Kitty won’t bolt the second she senses freedom, in fact, she will.  In the best case, she’ll get no farther than the passenger next to you who just happened to bring a chicken sandwich on board.  In the worst case, she will go careening down the aisle and into First Class, lost to you forever.

3 When traveling with a cat by plane, do not assume that Felix, who had never worn a leash and harness before, will remain calm while going through the security checkpoint.  At best, Felix will simply attach himself to your leg like Velcro, and the TSA will defer giving you a full body scan.  At worst, Felix will make the Tasmanian devil seem meek by comparison, and you will be held financially responsible for the “pain and suffering” of the TSA agents if not tasered first.

2 When traveling with a cat on a cruise ship, well, first ask yourself why you would do that.  Then, if Merlin manages to escape from your cabin, the best you can hope for is someone finding Merlin huddled in the kitchen, sampling the chicken being prepared for that evening’s meal.  In the worst-case scenario, the ship’s crew will have found a new mascot.

1 When traveling with a cat on a cruise ship, don’t let the staff talk you into working Snowy as a mouser in return for a discount on your ticket.  For one thing, there probably aren’t any little mice on the ship, and what she comes across may just catch her instead.  For another, Snowy prefers Fancy Feast’s Beef and Cheddar Cheese Feast and will undoubtedly go on a hunger strike if she is served anything different.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Traveling Through the Countryside of An Underdeveloped Country

~ John W. Howell ~ 88 Comments
Photo by Roger Starnes Sr on Unsplash

 

This list was published by Marie Ann Bailey and me in August 2013. It might be handy if you plan to visit an undeveloped country.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Traveling Through the Countryside of An Underdeveloped Country

10.  When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, do not forget to bring flip-flops or some such protection for your feet if you choose to stay at quaint inns.  Often, you will find yourself in a long line of other travelers and locals waiting to use the single shower in the multi-story building.  Besides standing in other people’s wet dirt, you may also encounter microscopic critters that tend to linger along the tiled floors and are happy to ride your feet back to your country of origin.

9.  When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, do not forget to practice squats several times a day to build up your quadriceps to prepare you for the inevitable pit toilet located in the backyard of the local inn.  Do not assume that you will always have the advantage of something to hang onto while you try to find that happy balance of getting your bum directly over the pit without getting it directly into the pit.

8.  When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, do not forget to carry at least two rolls of toilet paper with you.  One roll for the inevitable pit toilets that never have toilet paper anyway, and the other roll for when you do manage to find a private bathroom where you can spend the next several hours wishing you hadn’t drunk that tap water, even though you were outrageously thirsty at the time and nothing else was available.

7.  When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, do not drink tap water (see #4).  You may drink anything in a bottle, which means you may be drinking a lot of beer, leading us to the following item on the list.

6.  When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, do not allow yourself to be over-served even if you are feeling only mildly inebriated at the time and dining on a full-course meal.  Chances are, some amoebas are lingering on your plate (which was probably washed with tap water) or within the food, and you may eventually find yourself in the predicament of trying to balance your bum over a pit toilet while simultaneously trying not to throw up on your flip-flops.

5.  When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, do not expect that everyone will speak English, and you will not have a need to know the local language.  For example, learn to ask “Where is the bathroom?”  If you’ve read this far into the list, you know why you need to know this.

4.  When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, do not take a room in a hotel or inn directly across from a church.  After a few days of church bell ringing to announce the time (6 AM, noon, 6 PM), funerals and weddings (often on the same day), you may wind up with a loss of hearing to rival Quasimodo.

3.  When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, do not forget to also practice squats several times a day to prepare yourself for the strenuous hikes you may encounter, especially on rainy days when the landscape becomes wet and muddy.  You do not want a team of local boys to have to push on your bum to get you up the steep hill that was supposedly a shortcut to the inn where you’re staying.

2.  When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, avoid spending the evening with a U.S. expat who grows and smokes his own marijuana.  While it may seem safe at first, you run the risk of your host being a paranoid madman who may at any moment start ranting about the U.S. government and the CIA and the FBI and their collusion with the Peace Corps. You will suddenly be wishing you could slip away during those few all-too-brief moments when your host is not staring at you with wide, bloodshot eyes while sharpening his machete.

1.  When traveling through the countryside of an underdeveloped country, beware of clear liquids served by young children at a roadside stand, especially at night.  Chances are they are not selling lemonade, but instead are selling “firewater.”  The upside is that the firewater may kill all the amoebas that have taken up residence in your stomach.  The downside is you may become too quickly inebriated to appreciate it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Wedding

~ John W. Howell ~ 65 Comments
Photo by Matthew Essman on Unsplash
I was able to go back into the archives and found the third installment of Top Ten Things Not to Do authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me.  This one was from July 2013. Since we are coming into the wedding season, I hope you enjoy these. You will note, in the beginning, the lists were straightforward.
Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Wedding

10 If you are in the wedding party, do not take off your clothes, no matter what the circumstances may dictate or what you think the circumstances are dictating.

9  If you are not in the wedding party, see number 10.

8  If you are the best man or maid of honor, do not cry when you describe your love for the bride or groom in your toast, and eliminate the word “amazing” from your speech.

7  Do not try to set an all-time personal record in the number and kinds of drinks you intake simply because they are free.

6  If you do set an all-time personal record of kind and number of drinks, do not ask the bride or groom for a kiss or worse, for a date. (Same goes for the best man and maid of honor.)

5  If you are not in the wedding party, do not offer a toast even if several of your friends are clapping and saying your name, followed by the chant “toast, toast, toast.”

4  If you brought a wedding gift to the reception, do not take it home, no matter what.

3  Do not pretend to be someone else or use a made-up name when you are introduced to others, even if you may never see these people again, and you think it is so funny.

2  If you came with a date to the wedding, do not go home with someone else.

1. When you leave the reception, do not thank the bride and groom’s parents with a big juicy kiss

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Traveling

~ John W. Howell ~ 80 Comments
Photo by Dino Reichmuth on Unsplash

 

This post was run in November of 2013 and is co-authored by Marie Ann Bailey. Since summer travel is right around the corner, I think it has some merit.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Traveling

10  If you decide to drive your car when traveling, do not pack the trunk and backseat so that all the passengers need supplemental oxygen to stay alive.

9  While traveling in the car, do not think your favorite onion and Limburger cheese sandwiches will go unnoticed when you go for a snack. If you do, you may find yourself on the roof with grandmother.

8  If you are the designated driver for a portion of the trip, do not think you can rest your eyes for even a moment. If you do, you may find permanent rest as well as a handsome marker on the side of the highway with your name on it.

7   If you should experience a flat tire while driving on a trip, do not attempt to instruct your spouse or traveling companion on the intricacies of changing a tire while you stand-off to the side observing. If you do, you may be wearing the spare for the rest of the journey.

6   If you decide to take an airplane when traveling, do not try to tell security why your religion forbids taking off your shoes. If you do, you may find a full body search applied as the viable alternative.

5  When on an airplane while traveling, do not call a flight attendant by repeatedly pressing the flight attendant call button. If you do, your reward may just be a visit from Mr. Coffee in your lap.

4  When on an airplane while traveling, do not complain loudly and frequently about the lack of food or water. If you do, the flight crew might insure that you may get the same experience as you would on the ground at Guantanamo.

3  When on an airplane while traveling, do not attempt to recline your seat without asking the person behind you if it is OK. If you don’t ask, the passenger behind you may choose to see you later in the terminal where no air marshals are present.

2   When getting off the airplane and you are seated in the back row, do not try to push your way forward while other people are trying to retrieve their carry-on bags. If you do, you chance being kidnapped by Somali pirates and held for ransom. (Oh, if it only worked that way.)

1  When walking as a group through the air terminal while traveling, do not walk five abreast while counting the steps to baggage claim to see who wins the bet. If you do, here’s hoping a baggage cart slides sideways trying to stop, but connects with your group like you are ten-pins in a bowling alley.