Top Ten Things Not To Do When Traveling by Plane

October 13, 2025October 12, 2025 ~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments

This list was authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me, and ran on June 16th, 2014. Since people still travel by airplane, it might prove to be useful.

10. When traveling by plane, do not think that you can fake being 75 or older so you won’t have to take off your shoes, since you are self-conscious about foot odor. If you do, at best, the TSA agents will just roll their eyes as you stoop and shuffle over, and then will patiently insist that you remove your shoes since your ID makes it clear that you are not as old as you claim. At worst, the TSA agents will decide that you must have some mental health issues and flag you as someone to be examined in the TSA office, which causes you to miss your plane and totally gross out the TSA agents in the small examination room with your smelly feet.

9. When traveling by plane, do not expect that the happy, cooing baby seated behind you will remain happy and cooing once the plane takes off. If you do, at best, the parents will attend immediately to the baby whenever it starts to cry. At worst, the parents will ignore the baby, as apparently they always do, and it will be your eardrums that will suffer more from the baby’s ear-splitting screams than from the change in cabin air pressure that is causing the screaming.

8. When traveling by plane, do not assume that the carry-on bag you bought online for half price will actually fit in an overhead bin. If you do, at best, you’ll be the first to wedge your bag into the bin and can ignore the other passengers whose bags are smaller but unable to fit because your bag is so large. At worst, a big guy named Tiny will pull out your bag, drop it in your lap, and put his own in. You’ll be stuck having to check your oversized carry-on at the last minute unless you foolishly want to argue with Tiny.

7. When traveling by plane, do not think you can escape screaming babies by hiding in the lavatory. If you do, at best, you’ll only face a long line of angry passengers when you finally come out as the plane is preparing to land. At worst, the flight crew will summon an air marshal and forcefully extricate you at a most inconvenient moment.

6. When traveling by plane, do not think you can time your use of the lavatory to coincide with the smoothest part of the flight. If you do, at best, you’ll be lucky and only be slightly jostled about on the toilet as the plane hits some minor turbulence. At worst, the plane will hit an air pocket, causing the plane to drop sharply, you to accidentally open the lavatory door as you grab the handle for stability, and the flight crew to be forever marred by an image of your blue water-colored naked bottom half.

5. When traveling by plane, do not assume that the passenger behind you won’t mind if you put your seat all the way back. If you do, at best, that passenger and all the ones behind will be doing the same thing, causing a strange but convenient domino effect. At worst, the passenger behind you will show displeasure by choosing that time to pitch forward and have a sneezing fit over your head, making you wish you had brought an umbrella.

4. When traveling by plane, do not think it would be a fun idea to tease your fellow passenger’s cat while the passenger is in the lavatory. If you do, at best, the cat will only hiss and growl as it backs into the corner of the pet taxi when you stick your fingers through the grate. At worst, you’ll have a lot of explaining to do to the flight attendant and your fellow passenger when you ask for help in retrieving your hand from PsychoKitty’s clamped jaw.

3. When traveling by plane, do not think that you can imbibe several alcoholic drinks and somehow be sober when your 10-hour flight ends. If you do, at best, the flight attendant will be aware of your naiveté and water down your drinks so you can disembark without assistance. At worst, you drink yourself into a Bermuda Triangle stupor and wake up hours later in a TSA office, strapped to a wheelchair and not having answers to the questions being asked by Fritz, the head interrogator.

2. When traveling by plane, on your return flight, do not think your fellow passengers will find it amusing if you sing along with the movie Happy Feet, which you’ve seen several times already. If you do, at best, all the passengers will choose to use headsets to tune you out. At worst, you may be faced with a mass passenger mutiny, where walking the plank takes on new meaning at thirty-five thousand feet.

1. When traveling by plane, do not pull an Alec Baldwin and insist on taking a cell phone call just when the captain requests that everyone turn off their phones and other electronic devices. If you do, at best, a flight attendant will gently but firmly take your phone away from you and refuse to return it until your plane has landed. At worst, the captain and flight crew will pay a personal visit to your seat and escort you off the plane (after landing, if you are lucky), totally ignoring your claim to be a very important person.

Top Ten Things Not To Do on the Weekend

October 6, 2025October 5, 2025 ~ John W. Howell ~ 65 Comments

This post ran on June 9th, 2014, and was coauthored by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since we still have weekends, maybe it will offer some tips.

Top Ten Things Not To Do on the Weekend

10. On the weekend, do not attempt to catch up on all the sleep you missed during the week. If you do try, at best, you may miss a few meals. At worst, you might just find Monday morning arriving way too soon.

9. On the weekend, do not try to complete a week’s worth of exercise in one weekend day. If you do, at best, your body will remind you to take it easy next time. At worst, you will need to call the EMS to help you out of bed on Monday morning.

8. On the weekend, do not try to drink all the beer and margaritas you missed during the week. If you do, at best, you will still feel bad the following Friday. At worst, you could have a monumental lost weekend and wake up naked, restrained to a gurney at the county hospital with no idea how you got there nor how long you’ve been.

7. On the weekend, do not feel you must fill in every hour with an activity to make up for the sedentary week. If you do, at best, you just might need a vacation after the weekend is over. At worst, you may be in a position to regret not having a stress test a little sooner.

6. On the weekend, do not power shop to make up for the times you were at work during the week. If you do, at best, you may see the end of the available money before the end of the available time to shop. At worst, you ignore the end of the money warning and continue shopping until your credit card company mercifully cuts you off in the most exclusive store.

5. On the weekend, do not do a marathon of chores hoping to catch up on those you missed during the week. If you do, at best, you will run out of daylight before the work is done. At worst, you will run out of energy and be faced with the end of the weekend and the prospect of an exhausted Monday morning.

4. On the weekend, do not try to watch every show you recorded during the week. If you do, at best, you will feel you have worked all weekend just watching TV. At worst, you will show up on Monday with bloodshot eyes and pasty skin, leading everyone to believe you were in solitary confinement in jail for the weekend.

3. On the weekend, do not take a little work home with you. If you do, at best, you will have to sneak around to get it done before the family finds out. At worst, your boss will find out you are working during the weekend, so the little work will turn into two full days of business as usual.

2. On the weekend, if you are a writer, do not try to not write. If you do, at best, you will become increasingly grumpy until your family locks you in your writing room. At worst, you will be successful in not writing and then will be crushed by the guilt of ages simply because you are now two thousand words off your target, causing you to change genres from Romance to Horror Fiction.

1. On the weekend, do not forget to find time to relax and recharge. If you do forget, at best, your productivity for the next week will suffer. At worst, your nerves will probably be at the point of shattering, and all will let loose when your hapless boss asks you to stay for an hour more on Monday with significantly ugly results.

Top Ten Things Not to DO When Visiting the Zoo

September 22, 2025September 20, 2025 ~ John W. Howell ~ 64 Comments

This post ran on April 7th 2014 annd was co-authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since the last few days of summer still allow a zoo trip, hopefully, this will be useful.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Visiting the Zoo

10. When visiting the zoo, do not try to get the chimpanzees’ attention by throwing popcorn at them. If you do, at best, they will simply pick up the popcorn and eat it and continue to ignore you. At worst, they will reciprocate by flinging some dark, smelly stuff back at you, causing you and the family to have an uncomfortable ride home, with your shirt covered in chimp poop.

9. When visiting the zoo, do not think that just because the Siberian Leopard kitten is fast asleep, you can simply reach through the bars and scratch its adorable furry little head. If you do, at best, you might merely bruise your arm as you jerk it back when you hear the kitten’s mother roar. At worst, the kitten will wake up and decide to play tug-of-war with your arm while mama gets closer and closer, snarling the whole way.

8. When visiting the zoo, do not throw things into the elephant exhibit just because you think it is fun to watch elephants pick things up with their trunks. If you do, at best, you will be reprimanded by the zoo staff and told to leave the zoo. At worst, you will be tasked with cleaning up the elephant exhibit, which could be a lengthy process since the elephants never forget a litter bug and might think it is fun to pick you up with their trunks.

7. When visiting the zoo, do not try to mimic the Lemurs as they run through their exhibit, catapulting themselves through the air and landing upright on trees. If you do, at best, your efforts will result in some embarrassment and a rash on your bark from you ungracefully sliding down a tree that you tried to leap onto. At worst, the tree you leapt onto will turn out to be inside the Lemur exhibit, causing the Lemurs to see you as a predator and mob you until you are rescued by zoo staff.

6. When visiting the zoo, do not sneak in a pair of roller skates because you made a bet with your best friend that you can get through all the exhibits within an hour. If you do, at best, you will only draw the ire of the other zoo visitors, as they have to jump out of your way to avoid being run over by you. At worst, you might take one of the downhill paths too fast and find yourself nose-to-nose with a rhinoceros in its wading pool at feeding time.

5. When visiting the zoo, do not tap on the glass of the Goliath birdeater exhibit, thinking you can coax the tarantula to where you can see it better. If you do, at best, the tarantula will just hunker down even more, and zoo staff will be compelled to ask you to leave. At worst, before making you go, the staff will insist that you clean the cage of the birdeater, blindfolded with peanut butter on your fingers.

4. When visiting the zoo, do not try to entice a crocodile to open its mouth by holding food out over the fence. If you do, at best, the croc will simply ignore you since it probably is more interested in the Pekingese that someone snuck in. At worst, the croc will leap up and forward to get your hand as well as the treat in it, causing you to dislocate your shoulder as you try to get out of the way without falling over the fence and into the croc’s open mouth.

3. When visiting the zoo, do not think yelling at bears is a good and effective way to get their attention and make them active. If you do, at best, you will simply annoy the other zoo visitors until someone wads up a paper bag and stuffs it in your mouth. At worst, after stuffing the paper bag in your mouth, the other zoo visitors band together and toss you over into the bear exhibit, causing such a commotion that the bears then wake up and become active, thinking you to be a member of a rival clan.

2. When visiting the zoo, do not think that you can hide out until after the zoo closes because you always wanted to see the zoo at night. If you do, at best, you might become very bored very quickly because most of the animals are also done for the night and curled away in their beds. At worst, you try to entertain yourself by climbing trees, pretending to be a monkey, until you realize, much too late, that you’ve flung yourself into the lion exhibit, and since they hunt at night, they are all wide awake and waiting for you.

1. When visiting the zoo, do not try to pretend you are a member of the zoo staff just so you can arrange a close encounter with the zoo’s mascot, a yellow reticulated python named Lemondrop. If you do, at best, you will be found out because you have to keep looking at your badge to remember the name of the staff member from whom you stole the uniform. At worst, you get your close encounter with Lemondrop, who turns out to like you so much that the python can’t help but take you into its burrow to give you a big hug.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Signing Up With an Online Dating Service

September 15, 2025September 14, 2025 ~ John W. Howell ~ 55 Comments

First posted on April 21, 2014 by Marie Ann Bailey and me. I don’t know why we posted it back then but it seemed like a good idea at the time. Maybe it is still a good idea although neither Marie or I use dating services.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Signing Up With an Online Dating Service

10. When signing up for an online dating service, do not use your old high school senior photo in your profile. If you do, at best, your future dates might forgive you for being somewhat more overweight and wrinkled than your photo suggests. At worst, you might get sued by future dates for emotional and psychological trauma especially those who thought they were going to date an 18-year-old.

9. When signing up for an online dating service, do not say that you live in a foreign country because you want to appear exotic. If you do, at best, your future dates will be relieved to find out that you actually live within driving distance of them and they don’t have to pay exorbitant sums of money for a first date. At worst, your dream date who really does live in the country you claim to live in will out you to everyone else in the service and you will have to change your profile and your identity and actually move to a foreign country.

8. When signing up for an online dating service, do not claim to be a great cook when you still can’t make a decent peanut butter and jelly sandwich. If you do, at best, your future dates will prefer to dine out anyway and will never find out your lie. At worst, your dream date will wind up in the ER after you actually try to prepare a romantic, home-cooked meal for your first (and now last) date.

7. When signing up for an online dating service, do not inflate your educational background so you can appear to be more intelligent than you apparently are. If you do, at best, your future dates will not be interested in your opinion on the Dunning-Kruger effect anyway and you’ll be saved from having to present yourself as an example of it. At worst, your profile will be tagged as someone who suffers from the Dunning-Kruger effect (overestimating your abilities) which you will find frustrating since your last name is not Dunning nor is it Kruger.

6. When signing up for an online dating service, do not minimize your educational background to appear to less intelligent than you really are because you are afraid of intimidating anyone. If you do, at best, your future dates won’t be interested in degrees anyway just as long as you can enjoy conversations with each other. At worst, your future dates will look like the cast from “Duck Dynasty.”

5. When signing up for an online dating service, do not claim to be fluent in any language when all you can say is “Hello” and “Goodbye” in that language. If you do, at best, all your future dates have the same native tongue as you, but no foreign language fluency so they get excited when you say “Bonjour” and “Adios” in the same sentence. At worst, your dream date will be fluent in the language you claim to be fluent in (let’s say, French, for fun) and invite you to a romantic getaway to Paris where the best you can do is say “Bonjour” to everything anyone else says to you, with the result that two hours into the romantic getaway, your dream date leaves you at a café with just your French-English dictionary to help you find your way home.

4. When signing up for an online dating service, do not claim to not have cats when you do just because the dream date you picked out is allergic to cats. At best, you never get together with your dream date but the second best date not only asks you out but also happens to like cats (and then you live happily ever after). At worst, your dream date comes to your place for coffee and, within five minutes, develops red, itchy eyes, sneezing and coughing fits, and a facial rash, even though your cats are not in your house because you had them boarded. All of this results in you being on the hook for your dream date’s trip to the ER and allergy medication as well as the boarding fees for a date that went nowhere.

3. When signing up for an online dating service, do not use a glamour photo for your profile, even if your friends insist it will get you more dates. At worst, all your future dates also use glamour photos so no one can complain when none of you look glamorous in real life. At worst, see the worst case scenario for #1 and then double it.

2. When signing up for an online dating service, do not present yourself as a social butterfly when in fact you get panic attacks when you have to speak to more than one person at a time. If you do, at best, your future dates will be flattered when you say you prefer evenings alone so you can get to know them better. At worst, your future dates will think your Howard Hughes profile is creepy since they assumed you loved the party life and eventually leave you to your evenings alone as a party of one.

1. When signing up for an online dating service, do not pretend to be anyone but who you really are. If you do, a©t best, you will find someone who will actually like you for yourself and you will make some new good friends. At worst, you’ll be stuck with a revolving door of dates but no relationships. (On the upside, that could be fodder for some good stories.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do If Your Book Gets a Negative Review

September 8, 2025September 7, 2025 ~ John W. Howell ~ 86 Comments

This post was initially run on March 10, 2014, co-authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since there are still negative reviews out there, maybe it might be helpful.

Top Ten Things Not to Do If Your Book Gets a Negative Review

10. If your book gets a negative review, do not read the review, especially if the rating is one star. At best, the reviewer will admit the review is based on having read only a couple of pages of your book, and you can chide yourself for even bothering to read one word of it. At worst, you will read the review so many times you can quote it by heart, begin to believe it, and eventually get one star tattooed on your back to atone for imagined errors in your career choice.

9. If your book gets a negative review, do not respond to the review in any way. If you do, at best, the reviewer will ignore your comments and let others decide if you just have a case of sour grapes. At worst, the reviewer will take great delight in responding to your comments, goading you into an outraged frenzy, whereupon the website will block you from seeing any more reviews.

8. If your book gets a negative review, do not search for and then comment on other books that the reviewer has reviewed. Even if you have read those books, at best, you will be taking precious time away from your writing just to get even with the reviewer. At worst, the reviewer will realize it is you and seek a court injunction on the grounds that you are unstable, as evidenced by your spending so much more time reviewing other books rather than writing one.

7. If your book gets a negative review, do not ask your family or friends to target the reviewer with their own commentaries. If you do, at best, the reviewer will just ignore them, and eventually they will lose interest. At worst, they will all end up in an unsightly battle of words, and then they will all get banned from the website, and your family and friends will turn on you like a wounded Leopard.

6. If your book gets a negative review, do not assume a false identity and write reviews of your book to counter the negative review. If you do, at best, no one will know it’s you, and eventually, you will just feel as if you are a loser. (You think?). At worst, someone will uncover your identity and both you and your book will be pulled from the websites, leaving your readers to believe you’ve been arrested or kidnapped.

5. If your book gets a negative review, do not start a campaign against negative reviews, using the negative review as an example. At best, the campaign will quickly fizzle out as so many do without the reviewer ever knowing about it. At worst, the reviewer will see your campaign and accuse you of libel, slapping you with a lawsuit so expensive that you will be doomed to write PR copy for the Russians full-time for the rest of your life in order to pay it off.

4. If your book gets a negative review, do not think that you should suddenly switch genres just because one reviewer doesn’t “get” your book. If you do, at best, you might discover writing erotica causes you to take too many breaks during the day, so you can try out scenes with your significant other, and so your productivity suffers. At worst, you might discover that while you may now enjoy writing erotica, you can’t get your children’s literature agent or any publisher’s interest in your new book.

3. If your book gets a negative review, do not take the reviewer’s advice to quit writing and take up dishwashing as an occupation. At best, the long hours at the sink will only cause your imagination to go into high gear, and you’ll be back to writing within a few days. At worst, your brain will turn to mush from the dull drudgery, and by the time you can retire from said occupation, you will have forgotten how you got stuck as a dishwasher in the first place.

2. If your book gets a negative review, do not think one bad review trumps all your positive reviews. If you do, at best, your faithful readers will not mind that you’ve suddenly changed narrative styles because you are talented in any style you choose. At worst, you will find yourself writing solely for the reviewer who doesn’t care about you or your books, and your readers will have to stage an intervention to prevent you from reading any more negative reviews.

1. If your book gets a negative review, do not stop writing. If you do, at best, you will suddenly have more time on your hands than you know what to do with. At worst, you will disappoint your readers and they will accuse you of emulating J.D. Salinger, which, of course, you cannot afford to do until you actually become J. D. Salinger.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Labor Day

September 1, 2025August 31, 2025 ~ John W. Howell ~ 62 Comments

This post ran first on Labor Day 2015 and every Labor Day after that. I thought it was pretty good advice, so here it is again.

***

In honor of Labor Day, I’ve decided to boil the top ten list down to the most essential items. Let’s all remember those who make our lives easier and more pleasant. Of course, the remembrance includes us authors.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Labor Day

10 through 1

On Labor Day, have fun, but do not drink and drive. If you do, at best, you are a fool. At worst, you could hurt or kill an innocent person, not to mention your guilty self.

Happy Labor Day, all.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Attending a Parent-teacher Conference

August 25, 2025August 24, 2025 ~ John W. Howell ~ 74 Comments

Image from Pixabay

This post was published on April 29, 2014, by Marie Bailey and me. Since school has begun, it is time to prepare for the dreaded parent-teacher conference. Hopefully, this advice will help.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Attending a Parent-Teacher Conference

10 When attending a parent-teacher conference, do not assume your child is never at fault. If you do, at best, you might be disappointed. At worst, you may find yourself explaining certain behaviors that could only be learned at home.

9 When attending a parent-teacher conference, do not try to explain away your child’s behavior with some made-up medical excuse. If you do, at best, you might be questioned about your own veracity. At worst, you might have to explain to child welfare that a medical exam found no medical reason for the behaviors.

8 When attending a parent-teacher conference, do not try to deny providing unusual help on the term project. If you do, at best, you will appear to be someone who has issues with the truth. At worst, you could be accused of being a severely overprotective parent with recommendations for counseling.

7 When attending a parent-teacher conference, do not try to ingratiate the teacher with abnormal compliments. If you do, at best, you will look like you have something to hide. At worst, the teacher will think you are shallow and assign the same trait to your child.

6 When attending a parent-teacher conference, do not assume the teacher will be impressed with your professional or work title and your forceful personality. If you do, at best, you may be in for a rude awakening. At worst, the teacher will think you are a bully and report you to the principal.

5 When attending a parent-teacher conference, do not do all the talking. If you do, at best, you may miss some important information. At worst, the teacher will think you care more about yourself than your child and end the conference early with none of the issues resolved.

4 When attending a parent-teacher conference, do not bring along friends or relatives as support. If you do, at best, the teacher will feel outnumbered and end the conference early. At worst, the teacher will bring in several witnesses, and pretty soon, the conference will take on the appearance of a trial with you as the defendant.

3 When attending a parent-teacher conference, do not bring gifts. If you do, at best, the teacher will feel uncomfortable in giving you an honest evaluation of your child’s performance. At worst, the teacher will need to call the principal to witness turning down what they consider to be a bribe.

2 When attending a parent-teacher conference, do not call the teacher by their first name. If you do, at best, the teacher will believe you are rude. At worst, the teacher may get the impression that you are unnecessarily challenging the professional relationship, which will not bode well for the rest of the semester for your child.

1 When attending a parent-teacher conference, do not wear your most casual clothes. If you do, at best, the teacher will believe you are not serious about the conference. At worst, you may be unknowingly violating the school dress code and be asked to leave the building.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Writing the Great American Novel

August 11, 2025August 10, 2025 ~ John W. Howell ~ 53 Comments

This list was authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me and posted on September 30, 2013. We hope it is still useful.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Writing the Great American Novel

10. If you are writing the Great American Novel, do not begin your manuscript with the words, “It was a dark and stormy night.” These words have already been copyrighted by Snoopy, and you could find yourself in a nasty lawsuit.

9. If you are writing the Great American Novel, do not let your spouse read a word of it. Your spouse will want to protect you from yourself and make suggestions that could lead to annulment proceedings by both of you.

8. If you are writing the great American novel, do not use your friends, neighbors, or family members as easily identified characters. People tend to be a little touchy when they think you have exposed them for what they really are.

7. If you are writing the Great American novel, do not include sex scenes that at some later time you will need to explain “How did you know that?” to your spouse. Even worse would be the question, “Why haven’t we done that?”

6. If you are writing the great American novel, do not tell anyone you are doing it until it is all done. If you talk too much, the people you tell will give you several stories that they are sure you can use. Even worse, you will have to listen to all the stories about how they are also going to write a book, as if it is as easy as saying.

5. If you are writing the Great American Novel, do not start replacing frustrated moments with food and drink. The frustration will continue, but you might find yourself in a position where you need new clothes beyond your tattered, trusted terry-cloth robe for that book launch party. It could also be that you will need to seek help for your addictions.

4. If you are writing the great American novel, do not assume everyone in the world is causing you to come down with a case of writer’s block. The interruptions are a way for normal people to test whether or not you are still of sound mind and body. The writer’s block is all yours.

3. If you are writing the great American novel, do not try to get your family to understand why you would rather remain behind to tap on your keyboard than to go to the movies, theater, restaurant, bar, or sporting event. Simply pretend to have come down with a bout of the flu and let it go. You may have to create some unusual sounds, but as a world-famous author, you can do it.

2. If you are writing the Great American Novel, do not suspend everyday hygiene routines. The wild-eyed, disheveled, evil-smelling iconic view of an author is long past. If you are clean and look healthy, you will avoid unusual questions, not to mention the threat of intervention from loved ones.

1. If you are writing the Great American Novel, do not let anyone tell you that you are wasting your time. The fact that you just might be doing so is nobody else’s business but yours. You will eventually reach your goal (or not), but at least you had the faith to get there.

I will be on break from Friday to Thursday of next week – That is to mean totally off the grid.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Trying to Write at Work

August 4, 2025August 3, 2025 ~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments

This post was published on May 19, 2014, and co-authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me. I think some writers out there try to write on their day job, so maybe this list will provide some helpful tips. Apologies to the bosses out there who have writers on staff.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Trying to Write at Work

10 When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think that putting a black curtain across the entry to your cubicle will keep your boss and co-workers at bay. At best, your boss will simply think you are being antisocial and enroll you in a workplace team-building course. At worst, your boss will hear your keyboard clacking for once, suspect you of engaging in a double-cross with a competitor, and have company security pay a visit to your cube after hours.

9 When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think that arranging to work after 5 pm will allow you to play catch-up on the work you should have been doing earlier. At best, you will find out that your boss likes to cruise the cubicles and chat after 5 pm, making it difficult for you to concentrate and finish your work. At worst, your boss decides to spend the late evening with you in your cubicle, telling you such hair-raising stories about the psychopathic upper management, which (although good fodder for your writing) frightens you into giving up trying to sneak time to write at work just so you can spend less time there and more with the psychologist.

8 When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not steal your cubicle mate’s sign that says, “Do Not Enter: Breastfeeding in Progress.” At best, you are of the right age and gender to have such a sign on your door, but unless you have a baby, your boss may decide to move you to a low-walled cubicle in the bullpen. At worst, you are not the right age or gender, and your boss, who is renowned for lacking a sense of humor, decides to relocate you to the mailroom.

7 When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think that you can simply delete your erotic novel after saving your draft to a thumb drive. At best, you gain a small and unknown-to-you bevy of readers in the IT department who eagerly retrieve every installment of your book after you think you have deleted it. At worst, an installment of your novel is secretly emailed to your boss as evidence of your abusing work time and work equipment. Of course, your boss will wait until after you have finished the novel before hosting a tense one-on-one meeting with HR.

6 When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not choose to write during a period of competing deadlines and high activity. At best, you might be able to save and close your Word document safely every time your boss bursts into your office with yet another due-yesterday project. At worst, you become so frazzled by the constant interruptions that you inadvertently send your boss a synopsis of your romantic novel when you were supposed to send an Environmental Impact Report on a proposed shopping mall development, and now the boss looks at you differently.

5 When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think that getting to work early (and away from the chaos of your own household) will help you. At best, your colleagues who are already there will soon tire of your constant refusal to hang out with them in the break room until the work day officially starts. At worst, your boss is one of those who also shows up early and decides to take advantage of your presence by sending you more work earlier every day.

4 When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think you can gracefully shift from typing like a fiend on your personal laptop to entering data on your work computer whenever someone walks by your office or cubicle. At best, you learn how to position your personal laptop beside your work computer so it is out of sight and you appear as if you are working. At worst, you eventually develop such a bad case of carpal tunnel syndrome that you have to go on medical leave and abstain from writing altogether.

3 When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think simply hiding under your desk with your laptop will be enough to keep your boss from knowing what you are doing. At best, there is already so much keyboarding going on at your workplace that no one even notices the tap-tap-tapping of your laptop as you pound out another short story. At worst, you become so engrossed in your writing that you don’t realize that your tapping is the only sound in the workplace until you stop and peek out from under your desk to see your boss standing in the entryway, with your latest performance review ready for your signature in hand.

2 When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think that you can get away with writing another scene in your comedic screenplay during a staff meeting by making it seem as if you are simply taking notes. At best, another staff member is actually delegated to take notes, and so your boss just thinks you are being diligent and doesn’t ask you to share. At worst, since you are writing a comedy, you have to frequently stifle laughter, which eventually gets the attention of your boss, who takes your stifled laughter personally and decides to invite you to meet with HR via an email with the subject: Death of a Salesman.

1 When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think you can (for long) get away with claiming to have stomach problems and then trying to write on your tablet in the restroom. At best, you will become adept at balancing your tablet on your knees, but the words you type might not be worth the loss of lower-body feeling from sitting on the toilet for too long. At worst, you will learn more about your colleagues’ bathroom habits than any sane person should know, making you really afraid to touch the doorknob on your way out.

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Are Asked to Go to the Grocery Store

July 28, 2025July 27, 2025 ~ John W. Howell ~ 82 Comments

This post ran in 2020 but I think it is still good advice for now.

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You are Asked to Go to the Grocery Store

10 If you are asked to shop, do not buy anything that is not on the list. If you do, at best, you will be making a return trip for the returns. At worst, you will need to attend a special class on the principle of wasting money. (Nice job, Jerren. All those necessities determined by you are now waiting with you in line while that person ahead of you pays their water bill in pennies.)

9 If you are asked to shop, do not think you are empowered to make substitutions of items on the list. If you do, at best, your substitutions will be a welcome change. At worst, you will have selected a form of something that just doesn’t make sense. (Just when do pork rinds take the place of saltines, Jasen. The fact that you like them better will not help you.)

8 If you are asked to shop, do not fail to turn in the coupons. If you do, at best you will be allowed back in the house. At worst, you and the coupons will be making another trip to the store for a refund as well as attending that special class on listening and memory enhancement. (So, you had the coupons in your pocket, Javan. We all know the out of sight out of mind principle, but you would think the risk of life might offset it)

7 If you are asked to shop, do not go to a different store without permission. If you do, at best, some of the items will be unavailable. At worst, there will be a big difference in the prices, and your bill will be above the all-time high ever for the same items ( That will not be a good thing, Jayce. It’s going to be a long time till the $8.00 a pound grapes are forgotten.)

6 If you are asked to shop, do not think you can ignore the recyclable bags just this once. If you do, at best, you will be able to stuff the plastic into the trash without being caught. At worst, you will be subjected to another long class dealing with the evils of the plastic bag and its effect on the environment. (You have to remember, Jaye. Those cloth bags were an investment in the children’s futures. What is wrong with you? Don’t you care about the future?)

5 If you are asked to shop, do not think your newness will excuse you from checking out in the express lane when clearly you have more than the required items. If you do, at best, a few people will glower and may even say something. At worst, the manager will call your spouse and request a lifting of your shopping privileges. (Imagine the humiliation, Jayron. This one is not going to go away. It has the half-life of a thousand years.)

4 If you are asked to shop do not think, you can pack bags like the store personnel. If you do, at best you will have overstuffed bags. At worst, you might have several bags break in the parking lot, creating a puddle of mayonnaise paired with orange juice, pickles, and Black Butte Porter. (No, Jayvee. You cannot go back into the store and ask for a refund. You bought it, you own it.)

3 If you are asked to shop, do not go to the store hungry. If you do at best, you will only buy one or two extra things. At worst, you will have to explain the extra bags of groceries, including what will look like a year’s supply of beef jerky. (I have to admit, Jazmina the beef jerky did look good. That hickory-smoked variety looked especially delicious. No, I don’t want to buy it from you.)

2 If you are asked to shop, do not take Tiny the WWF champ with you. If you do, at best you will have unexplained extra stuff in your order. At worst, Tiny will insist you host a poker game this week, and require you to buy all the snacks and beer. (Explaining what happened, Jedi might be a best selling novel. Also telling Tiny no, especially after he has skipped his self-image group session might get you a free helicopter ride.)

1 If you are asked to shop, do not offer to take the kids with you. If you do, at best, you will learn the meaning of the phrase “no good deed goes unpunished.” At worst, you will have forgotten half the items on the list in addition to buying several impulsive things that the kids will be forbidden to eat. (That big box of chocolate marshmallow Trix might be difficult to explain, Jedrik. I certainly hope you enjoy it.)