Top Ten Gifts Not to Give on Valentine’s Day

February 12, 2018February 11, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 63 Comments

The inspiration for this list was an inquiry on Google asking for the top ten gifts given on Valentine’s day. There are lovely things passed from one to the other on the Hallmark occasion. There are also some significant landmines waiting for the unsuspecting or clueless gift giver. Here are just ten.

10 On Valentine’s Day, do not give your love a message ball foot massager. If you do at best, your concern for the treatment of Plantar Fasciitis will be noticed. At worst, the hard rubber ball can double as a weapon in the wrong hands. (I think the concern for health now turns to you, Dalziel. That lump looks pretty bad. Follow this pen with your eyes.)

9 On Valentine’s Day, do not give your love a thumbs up cell phone holder. If you do, at best the question will come up, “How many times do I need to set my cell phone down?” At worst, the recipient has discovered an alternate use of the cell phone holder. (So now you have a unique hat to wear to work, Danaus. How are you going to explain it to your co-workers since it doesn’t look like it will come off anytime soon?)

8 On Valentine’s Day, do not give your love sexy erotic lingerie with no back and three strings. If you do, at best you will have to field the question, “am I not sexy?” At worst, your love will decide to make an example and post a selfie with the question, “Would you wear this to bed or to a porn shoot?” (The photo went viral, and the consensus is for the porn shoot, Danell. Oh, and your boss wants to see you in her office, now.)

7 On Valentine’s day, do not give your love compression socks. If you do, at best they’ll be returned. At worst, you will not have an answer to the question raised in court, “and what message were you trying to convey with this pair of compression socks given on Valentine’s Day?” ( The judge is making notes, Danton. This does not look good for your side.)

6 On Valentine’s Day, do not give a Happy Bluetooth Beanie cap with built-in earphones. If you do, at best the temperature will stay at minus 10 degrees for a year. At worst, your attempt to provide a cozy way to listen to tunes will be viewed much like a blender. (You know the blender that you gave last year which is still in the box in the garage, Daphnis?)

5 On Valentine’s Day, do not give a plastic infuser water bottle. If you do, at best your love will have always wanted one. At worst, your love will go online and see you spent a whole $2.50 for this model. (Sure it’s the idea and not the cost that counts, Dardanus. This time though you struck out on both.)

4 On Valentine’s Day, do not give your love a fitness tracker. If you do, at best there will be a question about motive. At worst, the subject of fat will inevitably come up and as you know from other experiences around this word it will not end well for you. (Do not speak, Darick. You will only incriminate yourself no matter what you say.)

3 On Valentine’s Day, do not give your love a motion sensor toilet nightlight. If you do, at best your love will be gracious, and you’ll never see the contraption again. At worst, you will have reopened the great argument on toilet behavior that has been raging for years. (Trying to explain a nightlight for someone who never gets up at night is a losing proposition, Darrel. Might as well try to sell it as an improvement device for you.)

2 On Valentine’s Day, do not give your love a personal pepper spray defense weapon. If you do at best, it will be viewed as concern for safety. At worst, you’ll be in a position of giving something useful much like rubber gloves for washing dishes. (Okay so you talked fast and only got sprayed once as a test, Daryn, I would think this through next year.)

1 On Valentine’s Day, do not give your love a sign for the dishwasher that indicates clean vs. dirty. If you do, at best your new assignment will be the dishwasher. At worst, the sign could be used to show other items in the house needing your attention. (So here it is on the bedroom door, Davidson. You found out what it meant on the laundry hamper, but this is a mystery.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Valentine’s Day

February 9, 2015September 20, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 41 Comments

This list was put together and published today since next Saturday is Valentine’s Day. Although a little early, it just wouldn’t do to publish it next Monday which would be the 16^th. Since most of America goes bonkers in trying to create the perfect Valentine experience, I thought it would be a good idea to list some things that just might cause the day to backfire. One thing to keep in mind, Valentine’s Day does not in itself become the measure of the value of a relationship. However, mess it up and there will be a definite discount on the relationship’s value for the foreseeable future. So here is the list. I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Valentine’s Day

10 On Valentine ’s Day, do not accept the phrase “We love each other and don’t have to show it on an obvious Hallmark holiday,” as the truth. If you do, at best you might be able to work your way back into good graces in due time (like at Christmas). At worst, your loved one will present you with the most touching card and gift which will immediately cause your scalp to sweat and the urge to run off a nearby cliff which can’t be covered with a last-minute run to Wal-Mart. (the only cards left at this hour are the big lace lined mushy verses to grandma and who wants to be a valentine with grandma? Well, maybe grandpa.)

9 On Valentine’s Day, do not plan an expensive dinner out as your gift. If you do, at best you will be seated next to the restroom after a two-hour wait. At worst, the waiter will announce the regular menu has been replaced with the $300.00 per couple Prix fix tasting menu which has everything you and your partner would call Terminix to get rid of along with ten flights of wine which only someone in trouble with alcohol could finish.

8 On Valentine’s Day, do not buy a gift even remotely related to sex. If you do, at best you may be using the gift yourself. At worst, you will be broadcasting a desire that may not be mutually felt and your partner will feel uncomfortable and pressured to engage in some activity that will probably end up badly not to mention an intervention by the local community police.

7 On valentine’s Day, do not think it is the thought that matters. If you do, at best you will survive with a thought next year you will part with a little more cash on a better gift. At worst, you will be forced to endure the sympathies of your partner’s friends as expressed on Facebook , Twitter, Pinterest and the notoriety that comes from the YouTube video of your paltry gift which goes viral with over a million views.

6 On Valentine’s Day, do not make anything by hand that you hope to pass off as a sentimental offering. If you do, at best be prepared to see your item on E-bay priced way below the cost of materials. At worst, the item you handcrafted for the occasion will more than likely be the item you uncover in a remote part of the garage two years from now as you are doing the spring garage clean out in preparation for the community garage sale and you notice the price on a tag of $1.50 which has been marked down from $25.00 from several previous garage sales.

5 On Valentine ’s Day, do not buy chocolate covered strawberries from a street vendor. If you do, at best your valentine will eat off the chocolate and not touch the strawberry. At worst, your valentine will wolf down the whole thing only to discover later in the ER after a healthy dose of Ipecac, the claim by the street vendor of 98% salmonella free fruit was way overstated.

4 On Valentine’s Day, do not buy a dozen red roses from the guy alongside the highway. If you do, at best you will make it home before the rose buds fall off. At worst, the roses will come packed with several kinds of insects including bed bugs from the local no-tell motel and, unfortunately, your partner has a rare and severe allergy to Japanese beetles who just have formed an independent state in the rose bouquet.

3 On Valentine’s Day, do not think the chocolate’s you froze from the last Costco truffle sale will not show signs of wear. If you do, at best the freezer burn will give you away and you will be forced to buy some See’s chocolate quickly at the mall. At worst, the truffles will somehow fall apart and you will need to invent a story on how the greenhouse effect has contributed to the instability of the common chocolate truffle which your partner will try to verify by making an inquiry on Google whose results are sure to render your story as a complete fabrication.

2 On Valentine’s Day, do not think the commercial cards say exactly what you want to say. If you do, at best you will settle on something that causes both of you to scream “AWKWARD” after the poem is read aloud. At worst , you failed to read the whole message and find at the end a little reference to being “good friends” which will spiral your partner into a space and only a qualified therapist will be able to talk them down.

1 On Valentine’s Day, do not think ignoring the day will eliminate responsibility. If you do, at best you might be forced to give up one who, at one time, thought you were pretty cool. At worst, the brother of the one who thought you were pretty cool and who served with the Navy Seals on three tours in Afghanistan has left word at all your normal haunts that he would like to talk to you.

Top Ten No Nos is as Top Ten No Nos Does

February 10, 2014February 7, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 22 Comments

Here is the 32nd installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Top Ten Things Not To Do for Valentine’s Day

10. For Valentine’s Day, do not get your sweetheart a 10-pound box of chocolates or a case of craft brew when you know your sweetheart made a New Year’s resolution to lose weight. At best, your sweetheart will accept the gift in the spirit in which it was given and just be grateful you even remembered Valentine’s Day. At worst, your sweetheart will eat or drink the whole thing and then make you pay for a new wardrobe when your sweetheart’s pants no longer fit due to the chocolate or beer-fed waistline.

9. For Valentine’s Day, do not send your sweetheart a Charlie Brown kind of rose bouquet or a pound of grass seed as a joke because you think of Valentine’s Day as just another “Hallmark holiday.” At best, your sweetheart has a private office where the offending gift can be hidden until it’s safe to throw it out and you will only be out the price and perhaps one chilly night in the bedroom. At worst, your sweetheart works in a “bullpen” where all coworkers and even middle management can see the pathetic offering and tease about it, resulting in your sweetheart coming home that evening and using the grass seed as porridge or bouquet, thorns and all, to teach you some lessons in respect.

8. For Valentine’s Day, do not take your sweetheart to a restaurant that claims to model itself on Chez Panisse unless you have plenty of cash on hand. At best, the restaurant will have an ATM in its lobby so when you get the bill and realize you had underestimated it by $300, you can quickly and discretely obtain more money. At worst, the nearest ATM is on the other side of town and, to “pay” the bill, you and your sweetheart wind up washing dishes at the restaurant for the rest of your “romantic” evening out.

7. For Valentine’s Day, do not think that Valentine’s Day is the perfect day to attract a certain member of the opposite sex by leaving Valentine’s Day cards and Valentine’s Day candy hearts that say “BE MINE” in every possible place that your adored one chances to be. At best, your adored one will simply think you are nuts, but maybe a little cute. At worst, an officer with an order to cease and desist will show up at your place of business, embarrassing you in front of your coworkers and your
boss and getting you typed as a stalker.

6. For Valentine’s Day, do not get your sweetheart sexy underwear or silk boxers with hearts unless you are certain of the size that your sweetheart wears. If you’re lucky, the sexy underwear or boxers are too small and that will be fine since neither of you expect the underwear to stay on for very long anyway. If you’re unlucky, the sexy underwear or boxers will be too large, and you might be forced to wear it yourself while standing outside on your front lawn in the bright light of day.

5. For Valentine’s Day, do not think that a romantic stay-at-home dinner will be that romantic if you expect your sweetheart to do the cooking and/or cleaning up alone. If you’re lucky, your sweetheart will gently suggest you cook and clean together and extend the romance to nightcaps in the bedroom. If you’re unlucky, your sweetheart will make a reservation for one at a fancy restaurant and leave you home to enjoy your “romantic” dinner by yourself.

4. For Valentine’s Day, do not allow your sweetheart to see or hear advertisements for expensive jewelry and watches for at least one month before Valentine’s Day. At best, your sweetheart will at first resent being kept from the TV and radio, but eventually come to appreciate the extra time for reading. At worst, if you are unsuccessful, your sweetheart might be tempted to go to the local mall on Valentine’s Day, with your credit card, and buy the most expensive Valentine’s Day gift available.

3. For Valentine’s Day, do not wait until the last-minute to buy roses or a tie if you know that’s what your sweetheart likes (and expects). If you’re lucky, you’ll only need to pay twice the cost to get a lovely bunch of roses or tie to your sweetheart before you meet for a romantic dinner. If you’re unlucky with the roses, they will be so far past their bloom that by the time you meet your sweetheart for dinner, most of the petals will have fallen off and you’ll only have some green stems to offer, which your sweetheart will likely plant in your water-glass before storming out of the restaurant. If you’re unlucky with the tie, it will not go with the suit your sweetheart planned to wear and you’ll never see it again.

2. For Valentine’s Day, do not think that an otherwise practical gift with hearts attached or in the color red will suffice for your lack of romantic feeling. At best, your sweetheart will have always wanted a heart-shaped waffle iron or hip flask and will just drop heavy hints for you to do better next year. At worst, your sweetheart will take the heart-shaped waffle iron or flask back to the store and use the refund as well as your credit card to go on a shopping spree, which you will be paying off for many Valentine’s Days to come.

1. For Valentine’s Day, even if you and your sweetheart mutually agree to not participate in the whole gift-giving extravaganza that is also known as VD Day, do not think that making a point to say “I love you” or leave notes to that effect around the house or in your sweetheart’s car will go unappreciated. At worst, your sweetheart will respond in kind. At best, your sweetheart will show appreciation in such ways to make Valentine’s Day your favorite holiday.