Top Ten Gifts Not to Give on Valentine’s Day

Ten things not to do on Valentines Day


The inspiration for this list was an inquiry on Google asking for the top ten gifts given on Valentine’s day. There are lovely things passed from one to the other on the Hallmark occasion. There are also some significant landmines waiting for the unsuspecting or clueless gift giver. Here are just ten.


10 On Valentine’s Day, do not give your love a message ball foot massager. If you do at best, your concern for the treatment of Plantar Fasciitis will be noticed. At worst, the hard rubber ball can double as a weapon in the wrong hands. (I think the concern for health now turns to you, Dalziel. That lump looks pretty bad. Follow this pen with your eyes.)

9 On Valentine’s Day, do not give your love a thumbs up cell phone holder. If you do, at best the question will come up, “How many times do I need to set my cell phone down?” At worst, the recipient has discovered an alternate use of the cell phone holder. (So now you have a unique hat to wear to work, Danaus. How are you going to explain it to your co-workers since it doesn’t look like it will come off anytime soon?)

8 On Valentine’s Day, do not give your love sexy erotic lingerie with no back and three strings. If you do, at best you will have to field the question, “am I not sexy?” At worst, your love will decide to make an example and post a selfie with the question, “Would you wear this to bed or to a porn shoot?” (The photo went viral, and the consensus is for the porn shoot, Danell. Oh, and your boss wants to see you in her office, now.)

7 On Valentine’s day, do not give your love compression socks. If you do, at best they’ll be returned. At worst, you will not have an answer to the question raised in court, “and what message were you trying to convey with this pair of compression socks given on Valentine’s Day?” ( The judge is making notes, Danton. This does not look good for your side.)

6 On Valentine’s Day, do not give a Happy Bluetooth Beanie cap with built-in earphones. If you do, at best the temperature will stay at minus 10 degrees for a year. At worst, your attempt to provide a cozy way to listen to tunes will be viewed much like a blender. (You know the blender that you gave last year which is still in the box in the garage, Daphnis?)

5 On Valentine’s Day, do not give a plastic infuser water bottle. If you do, at best your love will have always wanted one. At worst, your love will go online and see you spent a whole $2.50 for this model. (Sure it’s the idea and not the cost that counts, Dardanus. This time though you struck out on both.)

4 On Valentine’s Day, do not give your love a fitness tracker. If you do, at best there will be a question about motive. At worst, the subject of fat will inevitably come up and as you know from other experiences around this word it will not end well for you. (Do not speak, Darick. You will only incriminate yourself no matter what you say.)

3 On Valentine’s Day, do not give your love a motion sensor toilet nightlight. If you do, at best your love will be gracious, and you’ll never see the contraption again. At worst, you will have reopened the great argument on toilet behavior that has been raging for years. (Trying to explain a nightlight for someone who never gets up at night is a losing proposition, Darrel. Might as well try to sell it as an improvement device for you.)

2 On Valentine’s Day, do not give your love a personal pepper spray defense weapon. If you do at best, it will be viewed as concern for safety. At worst, you’ll be in a position of giving something useful much like rubber gloves for washing dishes. (Okay so you talked fast and only got sprayed once as a test, Daryn, I would think this through next year.)

1 On Valentine’s Day, do not give your love a sign for the dishwasher that indicates clean vs. dirty. If you do, at best your new assignment will be the dishwasher. At worst, the sign could be used to show other items in the house needing your attention. (So here it is on the bedroom door, Davidson. You found out what it meant on the laundry hamper, but this is a mystery.)


  1. Brilliant suchi-set, dear John! A set of 10 socks & white slippers are not the best gifts as well. 🙂

    1. I would reconsider the person who gives that gift. Thanks, Maria. 😀

      1. Ha-ha-ha! And you would be right!

  2. You had me laughing from the start, John! Hilarious!

    1. Thank you, Jill. 😀 Glad you liked it.

  3. Honestly, #3 doesn’t sound that bad. Not sure what compression socks are. Sounds painful.

    1. Compression socks are for folks who have swelling in their legs. Usually older folks.

      1. Got it. Makes sense. Not for a Valentine’s Day present.

      2. Right. Don’t do it.

  4. Number 1 had me laughing out loud. This was great, John!

  5. This list was great, John. Fortunately, the Mrs. and I avoid this holiday.

    1. We do too. Our opinion is the day is for those who enjoy a reason to demonstrate their love. We don’t need a reason. Thanks, Dan.

  6. Ha! Riotous list, John. Interesting and unique collection of D names too.
    LOL… Valentines pepper spray. Loved #8 — do not give your love sexy erotic lingerie with no back and three strings… My ex would have put it on himself and modeled it for his friends… and forgot all about giving it to me. Being single is good.
    Happy Valentines Day my friend. Marvelous Monday hugs.

    1. LOL. There is a story there. I was going to put in the worst case “You’ll be forced to wear it to see how it feels,” but I thought it too obscure. Hugs, Teagan and Happy Valentine’s Day to you as well. ❤

  7. Before reading, I got my list of gifts that I’m considering. After reading this post, I now have a list with 10 items marked out. Damn …. But I think you forgot one … On Valentine’s Day, do not give your love nothing because there is no best or the worse will be more than you imagine. It’s that right Darrell! (Darrell other brother).

    1. Ha ha ha, Frank. Yes, nothing leaves nothing to the imagination.

  8. What we’re left with is dinner for two at her favorite restaurant. That way she won’t have to cook and that’s always appreciated. I can understand why you’d never give anything that could be used as a weapon. That’s asking for trouble. Great list, John. 😀 — Suzanne

    1. Thank you, Suzanne. Weapons come in all shapes and sized. Have to be careful. 😀

  9. Gwen Plano · ·

    Your #1 is especially hilarious. It gave me an idea for my husband. He has no idea if the dishes are clean or dirty and asks me every day. It’s one of those life mysteries. 😀

    1. A perfect gift then. thanks, Gwen.

  10. Reblogged this on Musings on Life & Experience and commented:
    A great Valentine’s Day don’t give list from John W. Howell.

    1. Thank you, Suzanne. ;-D

  11. Useful advice today. Can I call the new range a Valentine’s Day gift?

    1. Sure, if you like sleeping in the writing cabin.

      1. It gets cold out there.

  12. Hilarious list, John. Probably best to stick with the traditional candy, flowers, card, or dinner out. Number 3 — seriously??!

    1. Ha ha ha. Thanks, Debbie.

  13. Yep – not one appealing gift in the bunch.

    1. Ha ha ha. I hope not.

  14. D.L Finn, Author · ·

    You have come up with a really great list of things not to give on Valentine’s Day:) . A thumbs up isn’t the day of love’s message, I agree and fitness equipment could suggest toning up;) Another great list and and source of my Monday morning laugh!

    1. I’m so glad you could laugh. Thanks, Denise.

  15. Yeah, I wouldn’t dare give the pepper spray. Wifey can get moody at certain times of the month

  16. Thanks for the great list, John. I will keep it in mind when it comes to shopping for Valentine’s Day. 😅

    1. Yes for sure, Rhani. Thanks.

  17. Lol! Good ones, John. My personal favorite is the sensor toilet night light. 🙂 do they really make those?

    1. They do. It is on Amazon.

  18. lol … loved it! Ah … Good ol’ Valentine’s Day. It would have been fun back in the bad ol’ days … how did that pan out … Machine guns, gangsters, Al Capone … Now we’re talkin! 😛

    1. Now you’re talking’ indeed. I still want to hold up an armored car,

      1. Why? It doesn’t have wheels? Sigh.

  19. Good ones, John! I am playing it safe and baking heart-shaped cookies from my grandmother’s teacakes recipe as i have done for years. We will open a bottle of champagne and call it even. #3 is the worst!

    1. Sounds delightful.

  20. The list was great, Paul! Too hilarious! I hope you follow the advice.

    Happy Valentine’s Day. X

  21. Reblogged this on Author Don Massenzio and commented:
    It’s another great Top Ten list from John Howell’s blog. This timely post has the Top Ten gifts not to give on Valentine’s Day

    1. Thanks for the reblog, Don.

  22. These are super funny!! I will send to hubby.

    1. Thank you, Darlene. He will appreciate it. 😀

  23. Too funny, John! I think #1 is an awesome gift idea. Perhaps the day after Valentine’s, though. Thanks for the giggles. 🙂

    1. You are welcome. Natalie. Thank you for the visit.

  24. Ah, ha, ha! Some of these “Valentine’s Day” gifts are lacking creativity or maybe they’re too imaginative. I’m not sure.🤨 Great post, John!

    1. I’m not sure either.

  25. Reblogged this on Room With Books and commented:
    John W. Howell has done it again with his Valentine’s Day gift hints!

    1. Thank you so much, Patricia.

  26. Your gifts on V day are hilarious. Mars and Venus aside, I’m thinking the toilet motion thing could win awards! g

    1. Take the guesswork out of nighttime sitting.

%d bloggers like this: