As you may know, I have a great deal of respect for the talent of Charles E, Yallowitz. He is a prolific writer of prose and poetry and has a marvelous sense of humor. We were discussing a guest post in support of the launch of his latest book The Mercenary Prince and I casually suggested that he do a Top Ten Things Not to Do list. To my surprise and delight, he did one. This is a list that made me laugh out loud and decided to run it on my regular feature day. I think you will enjoy it and know you would like Charles’ fantasy stories. So here is Charles and his list.
Thank you to John W. Howell for hosting this guest post, which I hope is entertaining. I step into the realm of the master with a ‘Ten Things’ list that relates to the latest volume of Legends of Windemere. So here we go with ‘Top Ten Things Not To Do If You’re A Mercenary in Windemere’.
- If you’re a mercenary in Windemere, don’t challenge Selenia Hamilton the former Mercenary Queen to a duel. Sure it sounds like a good idea because she’s been headmistress of her academy for years and must be rusty. Just realize that all of her students are smirking, the healer is already getting a bed ready for you, and Selenia has claimed a broom for her weapon.
- If you’re a mercenary in Windemere, don’t drink heavily before a big job. Your Dwarven friend might be able to do his job with a hangover, but you weren’t born with his constitution. Few things ruin your reputation more than throwing up on the feet of your enemy. Then again, some species consider that a marriage proposal.
- If you’re a mercenary in Windemere, don’t make fun of the local guards and soldiers. It might seem like a good idea at the time because you don’t have to follow orders and probably get paid more. Yet there’s that highly decorated archer in the corner who will not be held responsible if you’re standing in the wrong place at the wrong time.
- If you’re a mercenary in Windemere, don’t volunteer to man the front line of a dragon hunt during your first week. It may feel like you’re being ambitious, but everyone is getting the sense that you don’t know what a dragon is. The proud smile on your face isn’t helping and now people are taking bets on if you get stepped on, eaten head first, eaten feet first, burned to death, or run away after wetting yourself.
- If you’re a mercenary in Windemere, don’t track down the current Mercenary Nobles to prove you can beat them. They have their titles for a reason and might not be in the mood to let you walk away under your own power. No, you don’t get points for bravery because you need to know when not to pick a fight.
- If you’re a mercenary in Windemere, don’t moon an ogre from the middle of your allies and from a mile away. Ogres are known for throwing boulders over long distances with precision and your pale keister is just asking for it. On the plus side, you get your name on a list of warriors who have died the same way and will be forever remembered as part of the ‘Flatten Arse Army’.
- If you’re a mercenary in Windemere, don’t stand in the way of a caster’s spells. You sat through the explanation from the captain, heard the caster explain that fireballs do not magically miss allies, and even heard stories from friends about accidents. Yet there you are charging ahead while your friends stay in formation because a volley of attack spells was supposed to soften the enemy. Good job.
- If you’re a mercenary in Windemere, don’t steal the company priest’s holy wine. It is sweet and has a hint of cherries with no threat of a hangover. It has been blessed by the Goddess of Purity. Yet, you didn’t ask permission or give any prayers of thanks, so somebody is going to learn that the Gods and Goddesses of Windemere can be rather petty. Try not to get hurt in the next battle.
- If you’re a mercenary in Windemere, don’t eat what your Orc allies are having. It might smell good, but it has enough spice to make the eyes of your future grandchildren cry. They claim it hardens their body before a battle, but you think it has more to do with giving off toxic sweat. At least you would think that if you weren’t laid out in the healer’s tent hearing that you no longer having stomach lining.
- If you’re a mercenary in Windemere, don’t go it alone. Mercenaries aren’t like adventurers and there is success in numbers. Join one of the mercenary armies or team up with others that are looking for a group. Maybe you’ll make friends and a fortune at the same time. Just don’t join up with the creepy guy in the corner. Never work with the creepy guy in the corner.
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LEGENDS OF WINDEMERE: THE MERCENARY PRINCE
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