Mondays creep up on me sometimes. I guess I should remember how quickly the weekend goes and not be surprised. Needing to do another Top Ten list got me thinking about time and being under the gun so to speak. I decided to use this situation as an inspiration for this week’s list.

Top Ten Things Not to do When you are short on time.

10 If you are short on time, do not stop to talk to sweet old Mrs. Beagly while she walks her dog. If you do, at best the latest tale will have you captive until you are late. At worst, Mrs. Beagly will sense you are trying to avoid a long chat and in doing so she will believe she has cause to stick those pins she has been soaking in bat guano in that doll that has a lock of your hair on its otherwise bald little head.

9 If you are short on time, do not begin mouth to mouth resuscitation on the neighbor who has fallen and can’t get up. If you do, at best you will hurry the process and the neighbor will be able to tell you don’t have your heart in it.. At worst, in spite of hurrying the process you have yet to get a sign of life and because you are late and not that it matters anyway you call time of death about three minutes too early.

8 If you are short of time do not begin surgery on a brain. If you do, a best you may forget something in your haste to finish. (You know, like reconnecting the pleasure center) At worst, you will totally run out of time and unfortunately, once you start there is no good way to pack everything up and  plan on finishing tomorrow so your foursome will just have to find another player or go with three.

7 If you are short of time, do not begin building that rocket to Mars. If you do, at best you might finish with a number of nuts and bolts left over and the answer for this phenomenon is not “they packed extras.” At worst, you may rush through the job and actually finish  only to see your beautiful rocket light up the night sky over Disneyland just in time for the Main Street Parade finale.

6 If you are short of time, do not take flying lessons. If you do, at best you will know only half of what you need when the propeller on your airplane decides to visit a local cornfield. At worst, you will have rushed through so many of the classes dealing with things like fuel starvation, magneto malfunction, preflight check, and navigation that on your cross-country flight you might be intercepted by two F18s flown by two very unhappy looking pilots who signal you to follow them.

5 If you are short of time, do not attempt to prepare an elaborate dinner for your boss and her husband. If you do, at best they might overlook the rare chicken and concentrate on the bone in potatoes. At worst you will give your boss a bad case of salmonella from undercooked food and although you  try to deny it everyone will assume you did it on purpose so you could have he spot.

4 If you are short of time, do not start a mechanical fix on the family car. If you do, at best you may not have time to put the car back together again in time for work tomorrow. At worst, you hurriedly fix the car and while commuting to work you take notice of the tire passing you on the right followed by a loud screech and sparks from the hub hitting the road. This is only the beginning since the tire went on and found its way into the front seat after passing through the windshield of the police car in the oncoming lane.

3 If you are short of time, do not offer to help with the kid’s homework. If you do, at best you will not finish and the child will get an incomplete the next day. At worst, you will do the best you can in the time allowed and will be more than mortified at the failing grade your child received, as well as, the note attached to the homework reminding parents children should do their own work with a PS that the teacher would like you to come in and discuss the issue.

2 If you are short of time, do not offer to help coach your child’s soccer team. If you do, at best the parents will forgive a couple of your absences. At worst, the parents will blame you for the losing season and the stigma will stick with you and your child until the child graduates from high school and for their own good enroll in a college in Spain.

1 If you are short of time, do not offer to watch someone else’s kids for just a moment. If you do, at best the other parent will only be a few minutes late and there will be no harm done. At worst, the other parent will arrive way past the time you were to be at your meeting for the bid parameters on a building. The explanation will range from a “to die for” sale at Niemen’s to “I just lost track of time.” The net result is you have been excluded from the bidding on the new project whose scope has changed from one building to a whole shopping center.