Tag: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do on the First Tax Day in 1861.

~ John W. Howell ~ 49 Comments
Photo by Jon Tyson Unsplash

 

Since August marks the anniversary of the first income tax’s establishment in 1861, I thought it would be fun to travel back and take in the atmosphere of what must have been an eventful time. The income tax was established to pay for the Civil War. Of course, we must follow some time-travel rules, so here is a list to help keep us from creating a time disruption or tear in the continuum.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on the First Tax Day in 1861.

10 On the first tax day, do not try to find an H&R Block office for relief. If you do, at best, it will be an ice supply house. At worst, you will raise so much concern from those you ask that they will point you out to the tax collector. (The belief that you are trying to avoid your tax obligation is what ended up with you behind bars, Issac. Just tell them you made a mistake and intend to pay, and maybe they’ll let you go.)

9 On the first tax day, do not tell Tiny the WWF champ that he can’t come in to assess your net worth. If you do, at best, he will come in anyway. At worst, Tiny, who just left his rejection support group meeting, will reduce the place to sawdust. (The upside to Tiny’s visit, Iulio, is you have no assets and therefore don’t owe any tax. Let’s not talk of the downside.)

8 On the first tax day, do not try to deduct your stay and meals as a business expense. If you do, at best, you will be laughed out of the room. At worst, the tax collector will call the Marshall, and you’ll be labeled as the first tax fraud case in the US. (The first tax was a 3% flat rate over 800 dollars ($13,000 today) of income, Iwdael. There are no deductions. Now tell the man you are sorry and cough up the money.)

7 On the first Tax day, do not carry your “No Taxation Without Representation,” protest sign. If you do, at best, no one will be able to read. At worst, you will be invited to spend the night at the Hoosegow Hotel. (These new revenuers have no sense of humor, Izeyah. I wouldn’t press my luck any further.)

6 On the first tax day, do not try to pay for your tax with corn. If you do, at best, the agent will think you are joking. At worst, they’ll assume you are trying to evade your taxes. (You have to admit, Izreal trying to unload 100 bushels of corn in the tax office looks a little suspicious. You’ll find a broom and shovel in the corner. Best to clean up the mess before you leave.)

5 On the first tax day, do not try to convince the tax collector that you are part of the 97% of the population that does not earn 800 dollars a year. If you do, at best the collector will respect your attempt at avoiding the tax. At worst, the collector just declared to his staff that the next person who tries to lie about their income will be shot. (I think you’d better cough up the tax quickly, Ian. That collector is resting his hand on a very big six-shooter.)

4 On the first Tax day, do not show up in your most elegant clothes on the best horse. If you do, at best, the collector won’t notice. At worst, since your clothes and horse are better than the collector’s, your bill will be higher than it should be. (At this stage, Ibrahim, you might as well just pay it. Why you didn’t think to wear those old shoes and overalls is beyond me. You could have parked your horse down the street too.)

3 On the first tax day, do not try to dazzle the tax collector with stacks of paperwork proving your lack of income. If you do, at best, they’ll ignore you. At worst, the agent will assume you are up to something illegal and double your tax assessment. (It would have been better just to tell them the truth, Igore. After all, 3% is not a lot to pay.)

2 On the first tax day, do not put in an application to join the IRS. If you do, at best, no one will understand you. At worst, you’ll give away your time traveler status since the IRS wasn’t established until 1862. (Well, easy come, easy go, Ishmael. It is now time to hit the bricks and get back to your own timezone. Otherwise, you might be spending a lot of time in a very damp and chilly place.)

1 On the first tax day, do not think you can tell the tax collector to send you a bill. If you do, at best, the collector will share a laugh with you. At worst, the collector will take measures to collect the tax today. ( That big guy in the corner is the enforcer, Ignatius. His job is to extract the payment right now. He has been known to hold some by their ankles until the money falls to the floor. Just save us all the misery and pay the bill.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Start of a New American Football Season

~ John W. Howell ~ 65 Comments

 

Photo by Keith Johnston on Unsplash

Yes, it’s true. We are beginning the pre-game season. I thought I would put together a list that will hopefully lead to a more enjoyable season for all. (Notice I labeled it American football in deference to the name the rest of the world calls soccer) This post ran first on August 19, 2019.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Start of a New American Football Season

10 At the start of the football season, do not try to change entertainment providers. If you do, at best, you’ll have a sports bar close. At worst, you will be hanging aluminum foil off a shirt hanger trying to pick up tonight’s game. (We all know that no matter how you hate your current provider, Isa the new one won’t work for at least 30 days.)

9 At the start of the football season, do not try to hire Tiny the WWF champ to do your yard work so you can watch the game. If you do, at best, he’ll come on Tuesdays. At worst, he will show up on Saturday and will have his broad nose pressed against your window to see the game. (By the way, Islam Tiny just left his separation anxiety group therapy session, and this is no time to tell him to get lost.)

8 At the start of the football season, do not try some tricky recipes for game day. If you do, at best there is still Pizza Hut. At worst, you will know your goose liver pate is being seen as meatloaf when someone asks for catsup. (You should have never tried, Istvan. Your friends would have sooner had meatloaf.)

7 At the start of the football season, do not vow to beat the Joneses with an elaborate tailgate scheme. If you do, at best, the Joneses won’t show up. At worst, Jones has hired an eighteen-wheeler. (To make matters even worse, Ivey, the thing is fully furnished, including a hot tub, kitchen, and a Garth Brooks live performance.)

6 At the start of the football season, do not join the one-hundred-dollar squares game at work. If you do, at best, you will only have spent $100.00. At worst, you didn’t read the fine print, and you are expected to ante $100.00 a week. (Don’t worry, Ixon. That guy with the big nose and muscles isn’t all that bad once you pay up. He may even buy you a beer.)

5 At the start of the football season, do not insist on wearing your team jersey to work on Friday. If you do, at best, your team is very popular with your fellow workers. At worst, your team is playing your bosses’ alma mater this week. (The boss does not look amused, Izod. I think you had better explain that you lost a bet and your team is really the bosses’ team. The boss is not going to buy it, but at least you have plausible deniability, especially if the bosses’ team loses.)

4 At the start of the football season, do not quote every single statistic about every single player during lunch. If you do, at best, everyone will be engaged in other discussions. At worst, sooner or later someone will ask you if you would like a big cup of shut the f–k up. (Now you know you need to be quiet, James. Otherwise, you will know what it is like to eat your lunch all by yourself.)

3 At the start of the football season, do not go shopping for a giant screen TV. If you do, at best, your store will be running a sale. At worst, since they know you and everyone else wants a big screen badly, your store will add 10% to the already outrageous price. (You should have made this purchase during the Fourth of July sale, Joshua. No one wanted a TV then.)

2 At the start of the football season, do not try the old mancave in the garage bit. If you do, at best, your spouse will nix the idea immediately. At worst, you’ll get the mancave set up only to be forced to make room for the cars. (You didn’t think this one out, Jonathan. You see the snow and ice on top of the vehicles is not suitable for them or you when it comes time to try and unfreeze the doors to go to work.)

1 At the start of the football season, do not try to exert dominance over the remote. If you do, at best, others in the house want to watch the same games as you. At worst, no one has any interest in the games you want to watch. (So there you are on the back patio, Jason. Yeah, that’s your breath, you see. I hope you are enjoying watching the game under the same weather conditions it is being played in. Another hot toddy may help.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First French Settlement in 1608

~ John W. Howell ~ 85 Comments

 

Quebec flag

The anniversary of the first French settlement in Quebec, in 1608, by Samuel de Champlain, is in July. It might be fun to go there, but there are some things we need to be careful about. Take this list, and maybe you will avoid an international incident or a tear in the time continuum.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First French Settlement in 1608

10 If you are at the settlement, do not think everyone should speak English. If you do, at best, no one will talk to you. At worst, you might be called a Britanique and tossed out into the snow. (These French take their language seriously, Issac. Best not mess with them.)

9 If you are at the settlement, do not mess with Tiny the WWF champ’s Molson Ale supply. If you do, at best, you’ll get a hand slap. At worst, you won’t have the use of your right arm for a few weeks. (Don’t be concerned, Ivan. The feeling should return. After all, no bones were broken.)

8 If you are at the settlement, do not ask for an order of Poutine (Cheese curds, French fries, and brown gravy). If you do, at best, you’ll get some strange looks. At worst, you’ll describe the dish, and everyone will rush to leave the room. (Any wonder you scared them, Isaiah? Although the plate was developed in Quebec, it did not become popular until the 1950s.)

7 If you are at the settlement, do not ask for pancakes and maple syrup. If you do, at best, you’ll get strange looks. At worst, your description of extracting sap and refining it into syrup will get you a few minutes in the dunk tank. (You have to remember, Ignacio. The giant Quebec maple syrup reserves are a modern development.)

6 If you are at the settlement, do not ask for a bag of milk. If you do, at best, you’ll be led to a cow. At worst, once you describe your request, you will convince the locals that you need to be given a foot warming on the stake. (You keep getting the modern confused with the ancient, Irving. If you keep it up, you may never get out of there.)

5 If you are at the settlement, do not ask for directions to the nearest Tim Hortons. If you do, at best, you’ll get a vague finger point meaning, “Out there, Eh?” At worst, when you describe Tim Hortons, you will have the entire settlement up in arms over a donut. (They are looking to you to deliver, Ira. Best get cracking on a donut-and-coffee delivery. That one guy looks particularly anxious. Yeah, the one with the musket.)

4 If you are at the settlement, do not wish out loud for a box of KD. If you do, at best, no one will hear you. At worst, a few will overhear your mutterings and want some too. (Now you have gone and done it, Isiah. You have created a demand for Kraft Dinner long before the product is available. Well, hopefully, they will all forget about it by the time it is introduced in 1937.)

3 If you are at the settlement, do not correct the spelling of certain words. If you do, at best, they will be changed back. At worst, the speller will become angry with your attempts. (Even though you may think it is okay to correct the spelling to American usage, Ingmar. I would fetch your own coffee if I were you.)

2 If you are at the settlement, do not attempt to describe Justin Bieber. If you do, at best, people will think you are joking. At worst, the elders will pass a resolution to hunt down anyone named Bieber. (You have made a time continuum mistake, Immanuel. Lucky, the elders also agree to deport any Biebers to America, where they will flourish for some unknown reason.)

1 If you are at the settlement, do not refer to a monetary coin as a loonie. If you do, at best, you’ll get a laugh. At worst, the population will wonder where you came from and, as a result, will need to have an inquisition. (The fact that the Canadian one-dollar “loonie’ was introduced in 1987 is not going to help you, Ida. I think you’re going to enjoy your time in the stocks. Better pray your butt holds out.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Helped Found Germantown, Pennsylvania in 1683.

~ John W. Howell ~ 50 Comments
Photo – Mystic Stamp Company

 

In 1683, thirteen families from Krefeld, Germany, arrived in Philadelphia to begin Germantown, one of America’s oldest settlements. The Top Ten Things Not to Do provides advice (maybe a little late) if you found yourself part of that event. This post ran in October of 2018.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Helped Found Germantown, Pennsylvania in 1683.

10 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not wear your “I’d Rather be in Philadelphia,” T-shirt. If you do, at best, your neighbors may wonder where your loyalties lie. At worst, you just might be left behind in Philadelphia to fend for yourself. (You are years away from the invention of the Philly Cheese Steak, Farvardin, so life there may be hard.)

9 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not try to tell Sehr Klein (Tiny) the GWF (German Wrestling Federation) where he can camp. If you do, at best, he won’t understand your American German. At worst, you caught him just as he was released from a program of forced restraint and now wants to be free. (Looks like Sehr Klein has designs on demonstrating his Step Over Toe Hold on you, Fay. You do know how to wrestle, don’t you?)

8 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not admit you don’t like beer and would rather have a white wine. If you do, at best, the rest will be grateful that there is more for them. At worst, the powers that be may conclude that you are French. (Now you have to worry about being invaded, Felican. Don’t worry, just surrender and all will be well.)

7 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not think clever nicknames will be appreciated by your explorers. If you do, at best, no one will answer when you use them. At worst, folks will get the idea you are possessed. ( If you hold your breath long enough, you may survive the witch’s dunk tank, Felton. You now regret calling the leader “Fritz,” don’t you?)

6 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not refuse to live in a cave-like dwelling. If you do, at best, you’ll find a tent. At worst, you will not have a place when the winter snows settle in. (The cave homes were temporary, Feri. I think you ought to change your mind before those blue feet fall off.)

5 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not suggest a night on the town in Philadelphia. If you do, at best, it is a six-mile walk, and you’ll have to go alone. At worst, you’ll get some friends to join you, and they will make you the designated transport person. (Nothing like trying to carry a couple of passed-out revelers, huh, Finnan? Too bad horses won’t be brought to Germantown for another three years.)

4 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not suggest solving the food shortage with a delivery from Domino’s. If you do, at best, your cohorts will think you’re crazy. At worst, you will be tasked with going out foraging for nuts, berries, and squirrels. ( Looks like your nut allergy is going to sideline your efforts, Fidello. Good luck explaining what a nut allergy is to these fifteenth-century roughnecks)

3 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not complain when you get a blister on your hand from chopping down trees. If you do, at best, you will become the laughing stock of the settlement. At worst, you will be assigned a new job that is even harder. (How do you like playing the Ox on the front of that plow, Fionan? That whip sure clears the sinus, huh?)

2 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not try to form a football team to play Philadelphia. If you do, at best, you might get one or two players. At worst, you’ll field a whole team and have to face the Phillies. (Did you think this through, Finnolaugh? Those guys are huge and don’t have to walk six miles to play.)

1 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not try to sell brightly colored cloth and jewelry. If you do, at best, you have no buyers. At worst, since the community is made up of Mennonites, you might be the recipient of a religious intervention. (Nothing more elegant than having a group of bearded elders trying to exorcize the devil, huh, Flainn? Wow, that red-hot poker looks wicked.)

Top Ten Things Not To Do While Doing Your Taxes

~ John W. Howell ~ 71 Comments
Photo by Sean Lee on Unsplash

 

This post was first written and published on February 17th, 2014, by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since death and taxes are always with us, I hope you will be entertained.

Top Ten Things Not To Do While Doing Your Taxes

10. While doing your taxes, do not allow the cat to sit on your keyboard. If you do, at best, you may miss a couple of deductions. At worst, your kitty may just add a few zeroes to your tax bill.

9. While doing your taxes, do not have a hot drink sitting on some of your worksheets. If you do, at best, you could tip it over and ruin the papers. At worst, you could tip it into your lap and jeopardize your love life till you heal.

8. While doing your taxes, do not allow your dog to play with the computer cord. If you do, at best, you may run out of battery. At worst, you may need to run out to the vet to help Fido overcome his electric shock treatment

7. While doing your taxes, do not allow the family to play video games on your computer between sessions. If you do, at best, some memory may disappear. At worst, the IRS may get a Madden football game instead of your 1040.

6. While doing your taxes, do not leave your computer without saving your file. If you do, at best, you might have to remember all your half-truths all over again. At worst, you may be unable to reconstruct your perfect return and might end up owing more than you had planned.

5. While doing your taxes, do not think the IRS is okay with rough guesses or estimates of the numbers. If you do, at best, you will never hear from the IRS. At worst, you will have to explain your numbers during an audit to a disbelieving agent with a cattle prod.

4. While doing your taxes, do not forget to sign your return even if you don’t believe it to be true. If you do at best, the return will bounce back. At worst, the lack of a signature will trigger a visit from the NSA, which will want to know all about you.

3. While doing your taxes, do not try to get away without attaching a check if you owe money. If you do, at best, the government will send you a nasty note. At worst, you will find out how little sense of humor the IRS really has.

2. While doing your taxes, do not drink alcohol even if you think it will help. If you do, at best, you might be shocked by the amount you deducted. At worst, you may be shocked to find you have already mailed the return on which you took too many deductions.

1. While doing your taxes, do not be discouraged enough to decide not to file. If you do at best, you will never sleep again. At worst, you may get your living expenses paid, but you will have a roommate who wants to go steady.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Library

~ John W. Howell ~ 82 Comments
Photo by Trnava University on Unsplash

 

This list was published on October 21, 2013, by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since we all go to the library, I hope it will be helpful.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Library

10  When at the library, refrain from using the stacks in the archived periodicals section to conduct an amorous liaison. If you do, at best, few, if any, people browse those stacks. At worst,  at least one lonely doctoral student will trip over you while you are in flagrante delicto with the potential of causing you great distress.

9  When at the library, do not try to sneak in food and drink from anywhere, much less a fast food restaurant.  If you do, at best, no one will catch you. At worst, the aroma (or odor) of greasy burgers and fries will likely draw a sizeable crowd to where you are hiding, all of whom will want a bite of your lunch or, if you’re gone, you.

8  When at the library, do not try the patience of the reference librarian by asking questions like, “So, who first discovered drinking milk from a cow?” At best, the librarian will point you to animal husbandry stacks.  At worst, the librarian will pull out a cattle prod and demonstrate its use … on you.

7  When at the library, do not think it is okay to talk loudly on your cellphone just because you found a “quiet” corner away from other patrons.  If you do, at best, sound carries, and the librarian will shush you.  At worst, you may get to finish your call before they find you, but it could be the last call you ever make in that library once the librarians are finished with you and possibly your firstborn.

6  When at the library, do not use library staff as free babysitters.  If you do, at best, they won’t call Child Protective Services. At worst, they will be so tired of breaking up squabbles, assisting your two-year-old to the toilet for a lesson in potty training, or chasing after the 5-year-old boy who insists on running through the stacks to burn off the high sugary breakfast you gave him that morning that the librarians might (literally) rope you into a game of dancing around the May Pole, with you as the pole.

5   When at the library, do not commandeer the computers in the children’s section to play games that were unavailable when you were a kid.  If you do, at best, the children will sulkily go away to another room.  At worst, the children will return with both parents (one of whom is a professional wrestler) and the head librarian in tow, and you will quickly find yourself bouncing down the library steps.

4  When at the library, do not think anyone would think it is funny or entertaining for you to take every copy of Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex and put them alongside The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Calculus, the Bible, and Mastering the Art of French Eating.  If you are caught by a librarian,  at best, you will likely have to unstack and restack the Fiction section fifty times for penance. At worst, an embarrassing request for a date.

3  When at the library, do not return DVDs or CDs without first checking and cleaning them if necessary.  It would only be a matter of time before the librarians figure out that you are returning DVDs and CDs after you’ve used them to play Frisbee with your cats or as coasters at your Saturday Margarita fest.  Once you’re found out, at best, you’ll likely be sent to the basement where they will make you clean every DVD and CD in their collection. At worst, you’ll be required to rewind every cassette with a pencil and videotape with an old VCR that keeps blowing a fuse.

2  When at the library, do not drop off your soiled and smelly paperbacks and magazines as donations.  Before long, the library patrons will associate the odd cat-wizz smell from the donations bin with the same smell that consistently comes from your shoes. (Dear kitties, love the warmth of your shoes, and they seem to hold a lot.)  At best, they will have security bar you from dropping off your donations before you even enter the door.  At worst, you will be forced to clean every one of your donations until their smell no longer causes people to wrinkle their noses and sneeze.

1  When at the library, do not stack towers of books on a table, peruse a few, and then just walk away.  It may be the librarian’s (low-paying) job to return books to the stacks, but to horde books without any concern for the other patrons will cause you to fall into disfavor among the librarians.  At best, they will simply shoot you nasty looks as they retrieve your tower of books.  At worst, they will make a wall of said books and bury you behind it in the company of the convicted felon doing community service.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Renaissance Faire

~ John W. Howell ~ 73 Comments

 

This post ran on July 30, 2018. I’m not sure how many of you have attended a Renaissance Faire, but if you do go, here is some advice.

* * *

The inspiration for this list was a question by the producer. “Have you done a Top Ten on a Renaissance Faire?” The answer was “No.” So here it is. (I know pretty simple inspiration, isn’t it?)

10 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not raise your hand when the wizard asks for volunteers. If you do, at best, you might get embarrassed. At worst, the trick will go horribly wrong, and you’ll be sporting some Hellboy horns. (I think that stray goat gave a The Fly-like result, Emest. Don’t worry. Maybe the wizard can reverse the spell. Yeah, maybe.)

9 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not boo Tiny, the WWF champ, when he walks onto the jousting field. If you do, at best, he will have lost you in the crowd. At worst, Tiny, who has been attending court-ordered anger management classes, will accidentally let go of his mace as he nears the spectator stand. (You can place money on where that mace will land, Emmanuele. No, that umbrella won’t help at all.)

8 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not accept the invitation to put your head and wrists into the stocks. If you do, at best, you’ll get a humorous photo. At worst, the guy running the stock exhibit forgot the keys, and now you have an afternoon of ridicule. ( It will be fun, he said. How much fun is it, Enar? Oh, that tomato wasn’t quite ripe, was it?)

7 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not think Three Card Monty is an easy way to pick up spending money. If you do, at best, you may only lose a few dollars. At worst, you and the dealer must come to an equitable arrangement to cover that last bet. (I don’t think he will take a check, Engel.)

6 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not accept an invitation to attend the after-hours cast party. If you do, at best, you’ll need to leave early to take the babysitter home. At worst, you’ll be singing “Moma Told Me Not to Come” while trying to find the door out. (Whoever coined the term “hangover,” Enyeto. How you feel is more like “life over.”)

5 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not join the music makers on stage if you are overserved. If you do, at best, no one you know will see your performance. At worst, the videos the audience took when you fell off the stage all went viral. (Hard to explain to your boss what you were thinking huh, Ephrem. He believes the head of HR should set a better example.)

4 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not throw your consumed turkey leg over your shoulder as a supposed imitation of Henry VIII. If you do, at best, by chance it will hit a trash receptacle. At worst, you will catch someone’s grandma in the face with your trash. (That someone just happens to be the big guy wearing the barbarian outfit now holding you off your feet, Erikson. He’s not buying the accident story, and his club looks pretty substantial.)

3 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not wear period armor. If you do, at best, the day will be overcast. At worst, the temperature just hit a new record high. (Now you know what it is like to be in a sweatbox, Erroll. That authentic clasp on the back is just out of reach, and everyone you ask to unhook thinks you’re a perve.)

2 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not get carried away with the thought of quitting work and joining the cast. If you do, at best, your audition will fail. At worst, you will be picked to play the blacksmith. (That hot furnace and pounding metal all day wasn’t what you had in mind; was it Eryk? Too bad you signed a seasonal agreement, and you only have six more months to serve. You found out too late that no one likes to play the blacksmith.)

1 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not think you have to talk to everyone in Renaissance English. If you do, at best, no one will understand you. At worst, a large cast member will think you are making fun of his speech. (It might be a good idea to find a flagon of mead right now, Eskander. Better yet, two flagons. One to share with the guy holding your neck.)

 

The Top Ten Things Not to Do When Talking to a Customer Service Representative

~ John W. Howell ~ 69 Comments

 

This post ran on April 2, 2018. I think it is still good advice.

* * *

I was inspired to create this list while in a discussion with a customer care representative. The positive side of that discussion is that it led to the creation of this list.

10 If you are talking with customer care, do not forget that “Customer Care.” is an oxymoron. If you do, at best, you’ll retain hope of getting your problem resolved. At worst, you will continue to pull on your hair until a large area of exposed scalp occurs. (Now, don’t you look good, Derwin. Folks will ask about that bald spot on the side of your head. I would make up some kind of medical treatment story.)

9 If you are talking with customer care, do not forget they have your address. If you do, at best, you won’t insult Tiny, the WWF champ. At worst, you will challenge Tiny to meet you outside. Tiny just graduated from his tenth stint of anger management, and he is more than glad to take you up on your offer since he still doesn’t get the management part. (Who’d a thought Tiny was in the next town, Deveon. I don’t think I would go out to meet him, no matter how many rocks he throws at your house.)

8 If you are talking with customer care, do not become impatient if the rep can’t understand or hear you. If you do, at best, they will hang up. At worst, you will be put into the penalty box for an hour cooling-off period. (One nice thing about being on hold, Deverel, is you get to listen to music that sounds like it is piped through sandpaper. Don’t get upset by that announcement every minute that tries to convince you of your importance to the company as a customer. They don’t give a rip.)

7 If you are talking with customer care, do not give any helpful information before the rep asks for it. If you do, at best, you’ll be repeating yourself often. At worst, the rep will become confused, and your problem will only be made worse by a duplicate shipment. (Yeah, that second shipment was as wrong as the first, huh, Deylin. This time, though, it cost twenty dollars more. Good luck on returning two.)

6 If you are talking with customer care, do not ask to speak to a supervisor. If you do, at best, you’ll get another rep worse than the first. At worst, you’ll get a supervisor who was told by the boss to reduce call times and refunds. (That was a delightful two-second conversation, Diarmid. I’ll bet you are trying to translate the phrase, “Get off the phone,” as it relates to your problem, right?)

5 If you are talking with customer care, do not try to be friendly by asking where the rep is located. If you do, at best, you’ll get “Somewhere in the World” as an answer. At worst, the rep will interpret your friendliness as a hostile threat much like the previous one hundred hostile threats before you. (That tone you hear means you have been disconnected, Dilan. Don’t call back for a while. Maybe that rep will need to take a break.)

4 If you are talking with customer care, do not try to impress the rep with your long-standing good customer profile. If you do, at best, the rep will not laugh openly in your ear. At worst, the rep will put you on speaker phone so that the rest of the reps in the calling center can have a good laugh at your expense. (Now that you think of it, Dimas, there are other outlets that might welcome your business.)

3 If you are talking with customer care, do not think the rep is qualified to solve your problem. If you do, at best, you will be confused as to why the solution is so difficult. At worst, you will end the call and give a ten out of ten rating only to find the problem is still there. (Not only is the problem still there, Dino, but now is complicated by a bill collector pounding on your door.)

2 If you are talking with customer care, do not mistakenly call another company. If you do, at best, the rep will spot the problem right away. At worst, the rep will provide excellent service to no avail when it is discovered you are not returning a John Deere tractor. (How could the customer service numbers for the two companies be so close, Dmitri? Are you sure you dialed correctly? Now give that nice person a ten-star rating. After all, you were only on the phone for an hour.)

1 If you are talking with customer care, do not call if you have anything else in the world to do. If you do, at best, you’ll finally give up for the lack of time. At worst, you will continue to hang on while that doctor appointment scheduled for three hours after you started the call will go unattended. (You know in your heart that the doctor was more important than getting the right lamp, Dolphus. You just felt you were close enough to victory to hang on just a little longer. Well, the doctor is going to bill you. Better you should have tossed the lamp and ordered another one.)